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Newest Member: DontWantToWakeUp (45711)

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User Topic: Have you considered cheating on your cheater?
deceivedguy
♂ Member
Member # 44049
Default  Posted: 9:43 PM, July 12th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am a month and a hslf out from my DDay.
I suspect my WW is with OM again, or a different OM.

We have had sex since the lid was blown off the A however, WW will only do it on a weekend morning (takes way less time), and she doesn't participate at all. Just lays there, awkwardly trying to figure out where to put her hands. This charity sex is simply to pacify me (in her mind). She thinks, as long as home life is back to normal and I'm getting SOMETHING, we can just move forward.

She doesn't know about my search for a divorce attorney.

I just started doing the 180, and haven't had sex with her, all week. This is killing me on so many levels. I don't want to have sex with her because i'll feel awful after however, she is perfect for me physically, and it's driving me insane, not having sex with her.

Before I found SI, I had considered Ashley madison and other cheating sites, as well as trying my luck at bars, to try and find a willing partner to help transition away from WW and her perfect mortal coil.

Have any of you considered or successfully found someone else while waiting for your WS to fess up, or waiting for the M to completely collapse?

I don't know if I could, but even if I could, i'd be afraid of getting caught and having it screw up custody after i eventually serve WW with DIV papers,


Me (49), WW (44), 2 Awesome DDs
DDay 6/2/2014 - 16 years married
Possibly new or continuing A, currently.
Worst experience of my life. Still having a tough time dealing with this. I appreciate your support, more than I can express.

Posts: 178 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: Indiana
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 10:03 PM, July 12th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

now if I could, but even if I could, i'd be afraid of getting caught and having it screw up custody after i eventually serve WW with DIV papers,

Um.... What about losing your integrity? Are you in IC?


his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

“Follow your intuition. Be smart, be brave. Tell the truth and don’t take any shit.”


Posts: 5491 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 10:15 PM, July 12th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I never considered it because of my special circumstances (symmetry limited my choices to a man or a woman who I thought was terribly unattractive, neither of which appealed to me), but I think most BSes do.

Going through with it is a very different matter.

This soon after d-day, you're probably still in shock. You're not thinking as competently as you usually do, so you're much more likely than usual to be make a mistake. More important, perhaps, since many WSes wake up when they're served, you may find yourself with a remorseful WS with whom you'd like to R. A revenge A will be a big hindrance.

Preserve your integrity. You'll be glad you did.


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10570 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
RidingHealingRd
♀ Member
Member # 33867
Default  Posted: 10:20 PM, July 12th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Have you considered cheating on your cheater?

No, I have far more self respect than that. Never would I abandon my morals. I would leave the M before I would cheat.


ME: 54 BS
HIM: 61 WH
Married: 28 years
D'Day: 10/29/10
in R 4 years and it's working but he is putting 200% into it (as he should) to make it right again.

The truth hurts, but I have never seen it cause the pain that lies do.


Posts: 2133 | Registered: Nov 2011
soccermom9
♀ Member
Member # 43805
Default  Posted: 10:20 PM, July 12th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Deceivedguy,

I think it's normal to feel that way but acting on it would likely only lead to many more problems compounding an already horrible situation. My WH told me this week that he is worried that I will go have "revenge sex"! Lol - guess even though I am not going to, I will let him think it! But then I think I am stopping to his level and that gains nothing!

Keep your head up! If the M doesn't work then go out and find your Ms. perfect! The one who won't cheat! Believe me she will be there and likely scarred from someone breaking her ─▄█▀█▄──▄███▄─ ▐█░██████████▌ ─██▒█████████─ ──▀████████▀── ─────▀██▀───── too!


Me: 44
WH: 43
Dday: 6-20-14
He admitted to drunken sex at massage parlor!
Attempting reconciliation

Posts: 66 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Kentucky
mhca
♂ Member
Member # 41920
Default  Posted: 10:32 PM, July 12th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The idea of it makes me sick. Maybe this is why my WW accuses me of black and white thinking. I wish she was more black and white sometimes.

She actually told me that she'd understand if a had my own A -- I think she thought that would take some of the guilt away or something.

[This message edited by mhca at 10:42 PM, July 12th (Saturday)]


Me: BH 47 STBXWW 47 (Lklb5)
M 19 years, DS 15, DS 11
DD#1: 12/24/2013
TT/Broke NC/False R
DD#2: 4/15/2014
TT 4/23, 4/24, 5/31, 7/19
Divorcing

Sample recovery plan, feedback welcome: http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=539961


Posts: 852 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: California
nomistakeaboutit
♂ Member
Member # 36857
Default  Posted: 10:36 PM, July 12th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Think of it as part of the "bargaining" phase of this horrible process we all have to go through. "Maybe if I have a revenge affair it will make things better, or more equal, or give pay backs, or whatever."

Your wife wouldn't be hurt the same way you've been hurt. She would know if was simply for revenge. You would then be lowered to her level, she feels better, you feel worse and as a bonus, you get to possibly take home your very own std.

People do go without sex for periods of time, and I think this might be one of those times for you. You really have bigger fish to fry right now, which I know you know - starting with that VAR.

[This message edited by nomistakeaboutit at 10:37 PM, July 12th (Saturday)]


Me: BH 58.........Her: WW 45
DD: 8..........DS: 5
Married for six years.
DDay: 12-25-11 Divorced: 7-15-12
...................................
"It's like a nightmare within a nightmare, which in and of itself is a nightmare!"

Posts: 966 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: U.S.A.
Feelthrownaway
♀ Member
Member # 33772
Default  Posted: 10:42 PM, July 12th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I thought about it. I knew he would be expecting it. Then in his mind we would be even. Then I decided I respected myself more than that.


BW- 48
FWH-49
D-day- aug 16,2011
Married 23 years- together 25

What doesn't kill me, scars me.


Posts: 1205 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Down South
tired girl
♀ Member
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 10:51 PM, July 12th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Get your D first. Then you can maintain your integrity, she can remain the cheater. There is always time to find someone else. Do you really want to be on the same level that she is?


Me45 Him 45 Hardlessons DS 25,23,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt

Posts: 5155 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
deceivedguy
♂ Member
Member # 44049
Default  Posted: 11:10 PM, July 12th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have never cheated and never will. Not even back during high school days. I'm not considering it.
The thought crossed my mind and I just threw it out there as topic of conversation. I was just curious if anyone else had considered or did this.
AGAIN, I don't need advice regarding this, I'm incapable of doing it.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts!

[This message edited by deceivedguy at 11:11 PM, July 12th (Saturday)]


Me (49), WW (44), 2 Awesome DDs
DDay 6/2/2014 - 16 years married
Possibly new or continuing A, currently.
Worst experience of my life. Still having a tough time dealing with this. I appreciate your support, more than I can express.

Posts: 178 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: Indiana
norabird
♀ Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 12:53 AM, July 13th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Do not sink to her level.

Do not use someone to fill the hole you feel.

Build yourself up from within, on your own, the right way. It's slow, but it will pay dividends.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4203 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
Ostrich80
Member
Member # 34827
Default  Posted: 3:09 AM, July 13th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No I really haven't.


BS..me
WS..him
Been with him over half my life
4kid
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-12-12 discovered it never ended
OW..nothing special. Just your average skank
Status..#$%@????

Posts: 5238 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: midwest
solus sto
♀ Member
Member # 30989
Default  Posted: 7:21 AM, July 13th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It never crossed my mind. I mean, what kind of solution would that be? Why would it be all right for me to use--and potentially hurt-- another person that way? Why would I want to add another layer of fucked up?

Look. Seriously. This is not about sex. This is not about scratching an itch. You keep saying it is, but it's not. Dig deeper and ask yourself what it IS about. Then ask yourself whether you want to become another person who harms himself and others in an attempt to fix the broken. (And that's not a judgment; none of us are unbroken, on the heels of d-day.)


BS-me, 52
WH (Trac-fone), 53, PD
2 kids-DD25, DS18
multiple d-days
DIVORCING
Alone, most strangely, I live on~Rupert Brooke

Posts: 9008 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
Chinadoll30
♀ Member
Member # 43131
Default  Posted: 7:52 AM, July 13th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think about it. A lot. WH has even given me "permission". That sure took the wind out of my sails. OW's BH propositioned me. I said "no". It's a nice revenge fantasy, but in the end I am a woman of integrity. I will not let him rob me of that along with everything else he has taken from me.


"We must see all scars as beauty. Okay? This will be our secret. Because take it from me, a scar does not form on the dying. A scar means 'I survived'." -Chris Cleave

Posts: 337 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Philadelphia
Gemini71
♀ Member
Member # 40115
Default  Posted: 7:59 AM, July 13th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I thought about it for about 10 seconds. The OW/xBFF told me to cheat with her BH because at least then she'd know he was having sex with someone. But the whole idea is just revolting to me.

For me, sex was/is an expression of love. I can't do that with some stranger for revenge. Defeats the whole purpose. If I want meaningless physical exercise, I'll sleep with Dipshit STBXH.


Edited to correct stupid typos.

Double Betrayal D-Day 7/26/2013
Divorced 11/18/2014

Two steps forward and one step backwards, is still progress.


Posts: 1950 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Illinois, USA
lilflower1000
♀ Member
Member # 36634
Default  Posted: 8:20 AM, July 13th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have certainly thought about it, but I don't think I could ever go through with it. As the others have said, it will not have the same effect on her as she knows it is just revenge and it brings you down to her level.

Stay the better person, if you ask any of the mad hatters here I am sure they will tell you not to do it.

I think you should continue to 180. Hang with friends, go to gym, focus on any other hobbies you have... Sex with her... Hmmm.... I'm not sure you should be doing that right now at all, especially if she might be sleeping around. If you do, I would double wrap it... ( that also might make her think about her choices).

Don't stoop to her level. Come out of this the better person.


lilflower1000
Me: 44 BS
Married 12 yrs
Dday:8/1/2012
True R: 12/2012
4kids(11, 8, 5, 4mos)+ 2 Step kids I love like my own

Posts: 315 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Georgia
PurpleRose
♀ Member
Member # 33129
Default  Posted: 9:16 AM, July 13th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Considered it?

Well, for about 2 minutes I did. The OWs then BH was willing and wanted to "get back at them" but there was no way I could cheat. Just had no desire to stoop down to the level of pond scum, you know?

I'm so,glad I never did, either. I'm divorced from the doosh now and can still say no when asked if I ever cheated on my husband.

Don't do it. Get divorced forts, or fox your marriage, but don't be a cheater... Can't you see all the destruction that choice causes by reading here?


divorced the Dooosh
*****************************
even if you find your voice,
sometimes it does not matter anymore,
when you speak to a man who is deaf by choice.
~dodinsky

Posts: 3629 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: Happyville
SpecialK
♀ Member
Member # 42372
Default  Posted: 9:32 AM, July 13th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No


Posts: 364 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Florida
WarehouseGuy
♂ Member
Member # 6037
Default  Posted: 10:15 AM, July 13th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No.

Two wrongs don't make a right. And you have to look at yourself in the mirror every morning.

Can you live with that? Or is it better to take the high road and keep your integrity and moral compass straight? It's your choice. Make the right decision. Just my 2 cents.

whg


If you see your ex with someone else--don't be jealous. Our parents taught us to give our old,used toys to the less fortunate.

Posts: 5453 | Registered: Dec 2004 | From: Michigan
kernel
♀ Member
Member # 27035
Default  Posted: 10:25 AM, July 13th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No, never considered it.


"On particularly rough days when I'm sure I can't possibly endure, I like to remind myself that my track record for getting through bad days so far is 100% and that's pretty good."

Posts: 5336 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Midwest
Topic Posts: 22
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