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User Topic: How to tell he is a multi-dater early on?
cmego
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Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 10:21 PM, July 12th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OK, my latest OLD crashed...yet again. I've learned so much...but this one confused me.

Good guy, very good on paper. He pursued me not too much, not too little in the beginning. BS, D for several years. Has had some serious relationships post D, but all with kinda unhealthy women (slight yellow flag...but we all learn through dating.)

The only thing I noticed is that he seemed slightly...complimentary. Like telling me I was awesome after the first date. Or had a pet name for me after the first date that he called me once or twice...I didn't reciprocate, but told him those kinda things come "later" for me. It took a week to have the first date (in 1-2X per day contact before date via email), it went great. Asked me out immediately, but a week later before schedules would work. We emailed/texted all week.

During that second/going into 3rd week wait, he had a major incident with his exWW. He told me about it. She may go to jail for stealing money from HIS Mother, who is an alcoholic. He does have FOO issues, and told me he has done years of therapy for it. Very open, which I took as a great sign.

On our second date, we talked for 5 hours. About his childhood and his exWW. He told me how much he appreciated that I would just listen to him. I shared some of my past...and he was a great listener. Told me again how amazing I am. We then moved to a wine bar and got cozy. We discovered more and more things/hobbies/activities we have in common...talked dating pasts, and and I heard a few KISA things from him, he admitted that he picked the wrong women in the past but was working on it. It was a great date. He started looking into my eyes...like he really wanted to kiss me.

I asked if he was dating anyone else, and he said, "If someone emails me...I tell them I'm dating someone (meaning me), but I didn't think I should take down my profile." and "I don't date for sport..." I told him that if we weren't on the same page (that I was feeling something, very interested in getting to know him...to tell me now. He said, "Nope. We are on the same page.") I told him I only date one at a time and if the guy is multi-dating, I can't relax. He said "Understood". He did say he went out with someone else around our first date...but it was a "non-starter".

We then walked to my car where we had a good 15 min make out session and plans for a third date. Again telling me I'm beautiful and awesome and our next date was going to start with making out since I cut it short to go home to the babysitter. We made vague plans to play ping-pong. I wasn't worried, I knew we would figure it out.

The next day I realized we didn't set that "let's see where this is going...not dating anyone else" line. He texted me in the morning and I replied. Later, that afternoon, I told him that I wasn't sure we established "not seeing anyone else" and I wanted to discuss. I explained, for me, that once the physical stuff starts...I'm not dating anyone else because I want to see where it goes....and if the guy wants to multi-date, then I needed to withdraw since it goes against my values.

He kinda dodged the answer. So, I dropped it and asked to talk later. Didn't hear from him much the next day, then on Thursday evening, he texted me again like all was well. I texted about 20 minutes to see if he would address this. He didn't. I again said, "can you please think about this and let's discuss... it is important to me". He said, "Will do".

Haven't heard from him since. He is back and active on OLD after not being active for a week.

I'm not interested in discussing the pro/con of multi dating. I CANNOT multi-date. I've tried. It isn't possible for me. It goes against everything for me. I can't get physical with a guy if he is dating others...and the physical part is important to me.

If a guy thinks that making out with me...and me being OK with him making out with everyone else...I mean...really??? REALLY? This is OK? I get that I am on the more conservative end of physical, but if I'm sleeping with you by the 6th date, which is about typical for the guys I have slept with...then by the 3rd date we should not be seeing others.

I'm still kinda flabbergasted. The last several guys...when you have that, "Are you dating anyone else?" on about the 2-3 date when the kissing really starts...they are all like, "NO. You are cool. I want to see where this goes!" I think I knew when he didnt' say that ("nope, no one else"), we were on different pages.

When we were discussing the second date (where to go), he said, "I'll be happy anywhere as long as I'm getting to see you! I can't wait to see that smile".

How do you go from ^^^ to a serious make out session and planning date 3...to making sure your options are open??

What did I miss? I did not read this guy correctly. He seemed totally into me until I told him that I couldn't relax physically if he was multi-dating. What guy thinks a woman is going to be OK with this?

I can't think of any other way I could have handled this that would be in-line with my values. I'm very open that I don't multi date if I'm interested in you. (I wasn't controlling or bitchy. I just said "these are my values and I'd like to discuss with you") I wondered if I should have asked "...at what point do YOU take down your profile?"

He didn't want to say, "I want to multi-date, so I guess we need to end"...he wanted me to just drop it so he could continue to date me..didn't he?


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced

"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings


Posts: 4153 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
Salt
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Member # 43726
Default  Posted: 10:41 PM, July 12th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Boy you know I think this is why I can't handle OLD. It's just too fast for me. How do you even know a person after seeing them for 6 times?

I do think one good way to have handled this situation would have been to turn things around and simply ask him questions, such as you suggested: what are your thoughts on multi-dating? When do you take your profile down? He may tell you what he thinks you want to hear...

But I think you are right, he wanted to multi date, not tell you and continue to see you.


BS, 54 Divorced 2012
I read and walked for miles at night along the beach, writing bad blank verse and searching endlessly for someone wonderful who would step out of the darkness and change my life. It never crossed my mind that that person would be me.

Posts: 89 | Registered: Jun 2014
norabird
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Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 12:22 AM, July 13th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with Salt, he was hoping to rug sweep (iPad first changed this to 'slugs weep', which I also like!) this question and be able to keep seeing others and you and keep his options open.

I am multi-dating right now kind of inadvertently and I feel a little uncomfortable about it. If someone told me they wanted to be exclusive at the moment I would tell them I wasn't ready to feel so serious and try to talk to them about it and maybe to look within myself about WTF I'm doing and looking for anyway. You know? Accepting the dialog. I definitely am never trying to lead someone on but sometimes I think this is a gender thing...women are kinda supposed to receive compliments, so men maybe feel that they are supposed to dole them out generously as a matter of course. Sometimes that may be tactical on their part, sometimes it is just how they are used to interacting with someone they are attracted to, and damn the long term consequences.

But I don't think you 'overlooked' anything--you caught this relatively early because you were upfront about your values. And it seems that he is someone you are much better off without--he is clearly chasing a kind of future faked insta relationship that doesn't have the actual substance of something committed. It's hard to pick up on that right away. Some people do just want to see your smile--others want to have that feeling but don't have the substance behind it, you know? Like they're always on stage and auditioning you for the role. When really they aren't healthy enough to be with someone for real.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4190 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
Red Sox Nation
♂ Member
Member # 26358
Default  Posted: 12:46 AM, July 13th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No, I don't think he lied to you. From the way it's written, my guess is that he felt pressured. That feeling you get when you walk into a china store and the tables are too close together. Maybe it's better to leave the store before you break anything.

I had a case like this. Met at a meet-up event, and she became close friends with a female friend of mine. Both were of Indian descent. The Meetup woman was quite attractive. I asked my friend about her status. My friend told me that this woman was just a little bit past divorce and was from a very conservative part of India and if I hurt her, she (my friend) would never speak to me again.

So I remained aloof and we started doing things as a trio. Aloofness apparently worked for her, because she went for it when we were having dinner together. And I wasn't sure I wanted to date her seriously. Pretty, and likeable, but some flags. My friend had me convinced she was quite breakable. So I rejected the advance, with predictable results. Leading to two less friends, unfortunately.

This may seem completely unrelated, but I don't think it is. The problem was that there was too much information - too much worry about hurting someone before anything got started. That I'd have to commit to a relationship before I even knew whether we had any chemistry at all.

I think not multi-dating early on is a very good thing, but I don't want to micro-manage it in someone else. Yes, if I found out a woman was multi-dating, I'd walk away. But we don't get to quiz people about these things. We just have to trust ourselves and, yes, before the clothes come off, have a brief conversation about exclusivity.

You have to trust yourself to ask the right questions in the heat of the battle - not in negotiated texts when you're not together. Texting is an absolutely horrible way to discuss this kind of issue. I think you set off his high-maintenance flag, and he worried that there would be no easy way out if things didn't work out.


When someone tells you who she is, listen; when someone shows you who she is, listen carefully.

Posts: 1882 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: Midwest
cmego
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Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 8:53 AM, July 13th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

But I don't think you 'overlooked' anything--you caught this relatively early because you were upfront about your values. And it seems that he is someone you are much better off without--he is clearly chasing a kind of future faked insta relationship that doesn't have the actual substance of something committed. It's hard to pick up on that right away. Some people do just want to see your smile--others want to have that feeling but don't have the substance behind it, you know? Like they're always on stage and auditioning you for the role. When really they aren't healthy enough to be with someone for real.

^^^This is where I think he is. This is very well said, Norabird. Thank you. It is a fine line between guys that compliment you at a normal level..and ones that go a bit overboard, which is probably the flag.

We had a long talk about his FOO issues and I think he is a KISA. He wants a strong, normal woman and told me he had a serious crush on me...but the second I said that I can't deal with multi-dating and I would like to discuss...he avoided and poofed. He has done enough therapy that he will see his tactic soon enough. His past relationships all sounded a bit like the women were pretty...but needy/not emotionally healthy and he had no problem committing to those relationships.

I think not multi-dating early on is a very good thing, but I don't want to micro-manage it in someone else. Yes, if I found out a woman was multi-dating, I'd walk away. But we don't get to quiz people about these things. We just have to trust ourselves and, yes, before the clothes come off, have a brief conversation about exclusivity.

RSN, ^^^ this paragraph is the exact reason this is confusing. You even said, if I found out she is multi-dating I walk, yet you aren't allowed to quiz someone. That makes no sense, I am NOT going to simply blindly trust a guy. I have to ask, and generally it is a very brief, one or two sentence conversation...as things are getting heated.

You have to trust yourself to ask the right questions in the heat of the battle - not in negotiated texts when you're not together. Texting is an absolutely horrible way to discuss this kind of issue. I think you set off his high-maintenance flag, and he worried that there would be no easy way out if things didn't work out.

I am the furthest from high-maintenance and he commented on how cool I am. Which I am. I allow the relationship to go a few weeks assuming he IS multi-dating. He even shared two stories of women who did not handle this part correctly:

The first one he said that on date 3, they went to a winery and he, being friendly, was chatting with the waitress. His date said, "That was so inappropriate! When you are with me you only pay attention to ME." He said on the 4th date she told him that she couldn't tell if he was interested, so he needed to buy her something to prove it. He then ended it with her, but I wondered, after the 3rd date when she got so nasty with him...why did he go on a 4th?? He didn't have an answer.

The other girl, on the 2nd date, left earrings in his car. On their 3rd date, she purposefully left shoes in his car. When he got out of the car, retrieved the shoes and gave them back to her, she screeched, "Is there a REASON I can't leave my shoes in your car???". He said it got nasty with her yelling.

So...obviously he has run into this little issue before. I very calmly brought it up in conversation expecting him to say, "Yup. You are cool and I want to see where this is going..." just like the other guys 99% of the time say. I realized he was avoiding. So, I brought it up later and told him to think about it and then we would TALK later about it. I explained that *if* he wanted to multi-date, I don't handle that well and I needed to withdraw from going any further. I demanded nothing from him, and I offered a discussion. He avoided. I said nothing except that I was interested in him and wanted to see if we have anything "there", so for me to relax and go further (sexually, making out, whatever), I needed a safe zone of neither of us multi-dating.

I honestly think I handled it very well, now that I'm not hurting quite so much. This is on him.

So, I have my answer. Not emotionally healthy enough to have a conversation about expectations with an "awesome, beautiful, cool girl."

Too bad. He was a really interesting man.


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced

"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings


Posts: 4153 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
gonogo1
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Member # 25518
Default  Posted: 9:53 AM, July 13th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He is a multi dater you found out . You were upfront told him your needs and he poofed . Enough said , you kept your values , he was not for you . Move on , he was emotionally unavailable and a player . Next !!

Posts: 1623 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: East Coast
gonogo1
♀ Member
Member # 25518
Default  Posted: 10:00 AM, July 13th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ps Don't waste your valuable time thinking about the jerk . Enjoy being you, pursue your own dreams , some day maybe ,this year maybe years from now you may meet someone that clicks but stop pursuing it and pursue you . You may be happier .And not wasting valuable time on someone who was only looking for another scalp on his belt . Think of it as a lucky break!!

Posts: 1623 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: East Coast
cmego
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Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 10:02 AM, July 13th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am

Still stings, though. I am ready for a real relationship. I'll be fine in a couple of days. Need to get through the "Oh, can't wait to hear from him!" phase.

Oh, I've done everything "right". I have a great life full of friends and family and hobbies and in grad school pulling a 4.0. I've done the therapy, taken the long breaks from dating and I know I'm in a very good place now. I just can't find a guy that has his shit together.

[This message edited by cmego at 10:05 AM, July 13th (Sunday)]


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced

"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings


Posts: 4153 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
cissi
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Member # 21737
Default  Posted: 1:12 PM, July 13th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't think there is anything wrong with multidating, especially when you are meeting on a dating site. I think the problem is having a set plan of when you are going to sleep with the guy, have a set plan on if you know you are going to do that then by the third date one should have the talk about being pretty much exclusive. In my opinion, things should be taken more on a date-to-date basis and not have a plan. That isn't to say you have to compromise your values in any way at the same time. Just relax and see where things go without having such firm ideas.

After all, these places are called "dating sites" not "looking for a long-term committed relationship immediately" sites.


Posts: 1417 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Southern California
devistatedmom
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Member # 24961
Default  Posted: 1:38 PM, July 13th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If you normally have this talk on the 2nd date, and it's "just" your first kiss...I think you might be scaring them off.

I'm with you. I can't/won't multi-date. But on the 2nd date, you are still just feeling each other out, seeing if you have enough in common, if the chemistry is there. Yeah, once I start to want to kiss them, I don't want them kissing anyone else...but I think you need to have a few more dates before you bring up not seeing anyone else. It just makes it sound like, "you must choose me NOW, if not, go away!" Sounds like he went away.

Of course, I'm not even trying to date anymore. At least at the moment. So maybe I don't know what I'm talking about. It's just, if some guy I was out on a 2nd date with started talk that sounded serious, long term, lets look to the future, part of me would be thrilled, and part of me would want to run away.

One guy I was seeing, met through a mutual friend was great. I really liked him, he really liked me. I was thrilled, wanted to see where it would go. We talked daily, texted, went out a couple of times...seemed like we were going in the right direction...then, just a couple of weeks in, he started talking about changing me, like, controlling what I would eat so he could "get that fat off me if I was going to be his woman" and crap like that. I ran for the hills.


BS(me) 46, Two wonderful teens.
He is no longer my best friend. Repeat until it sticks.

WH says marriage is over: May 15, 2009.
EA#2 July 20, 2009. Legally sep: Aug 16, 2009. DIVORCED!!!! Signed Nov 23, final Dec 24, 2010, adultery listed.


Posts: 5513 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Canada
cmego
♀ Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 2:07 PM, July 13th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yeah...I hear 'ya.

But, in my experience, this seems to be the general pattern. About the 2-3 date the "are you seeing anyone else" convo happens. Hell, I'll totally admit that I slept with the last guy on the third date...the chemistry was through the roof, but he poofed at about 2.5 months in. That, btw, was very unusual for me. I tend to be like a 6,7,8th date person. I do like sex. I want sex, and I want to know if we are compatible. Only a few guys make it that far. I can generally tell by the second to third date we are/are not compatible. And, with this guy, it was a week between dates. So, we had a ton of conversation/texting between.

It was when the compliments and the "As long as I'm with you, I'l be happy!" started, that is what sent MY radar up. I'm thinking, "Now...how many other people is he telling the same thing to? Am I *really* that special to him?" I'm not sure I would have asked him if he hadn't been kinda over the top in the compliments that were dinging my radar.

I agree, I think the talk about others was a little early.....but physical stuff was happening (initiated by him...). I may have been able to wait until the 3rd date, but we were talking about headed to his house for date 3. I'm not stupid, or that naive, I know when we have a "house date", more physical stuff is going to happen. In my experience, 3rd date is when the physical stuff really starts. I don't mind, I want to make out and go explore with the guy by that point too...but I'm simply not doing that if he is making out with other women. It is just...ick...to me. What I thought was going to be an easy "yes, I want to see where this is going", turned out to be the end of the dating.

I can't figure a way around this. And, honestly, I haven't had to. By third date, the guy is as interested in me as I am in them. It falls apart later. I haven't had a guy who is really interested in me (as he appeared to be) to back off when I ask if he is multi-dating. Most are very happy to have met me and it has never been an issue.

If he didn't agree, I do wish he was at least willing to hear my reasoning (I want to make out and get physical and I can't do that if you are dating others) or hear HIS reasoning as to why he wanted to continue to multi-date. If he would have just talked to me instead of trying to get me to rug sweep it...who knows. Maybe we could have come to an agreement to slow down the physical and go on a few more dates.


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced

"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings


Posts: 4153 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
devistatedmom
♀ Member
Member # 24961
Default  Posted: 2:20 PM, July 13th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yeah, I think it's the physical you have to slow down...I mean, yeah, I want to kiss a little to know if he CAN (not slobber all over me like a puppy! ) pretty early, but instead of approaching it as, "I need to know you aren't seeing anyone else now that we are getting physical" can you approach it more as, "Look, I'm attracted to you and I think you are to me too; but I really don't want to have the physical stuff go much further until we both know we are exclusive?" Maybe that doesn't sound so...ulimativey? (Yeah, I know that's not a word )


BS(me) 46, Two wonderful teens.
He is no longer my best friend. Repeat until it sticks.

WH says marriage is over: May 15, 2009.
EA#2 July 20, 2009. Legally sep: Aug 16, 2009. DIVORCED!!!! Signed Nov 23, final Dec 24, 2010, adultery listed.


Posts: 5513 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Canada
better4me
♀ Member
Member # 30341
Default  Posted: 2:37 PM, July 13th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Look, I'm attracted to you and I think you are to me too; but I really don't want to have the physical stuff go much further until we both know we are exclusive?"
ooh, I like this approach. Letting it come up naturally and more conversationally sounds like a good approach. And, I think texting is an impossible way to work out issues (learned this lesson the hard way with "I feel much more comfortable doing this in text" man),

And this ulimativeyis now a word!


DDay 11/17/2010 BW:52
Divorced

Posts: 3156 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Iowa
cmego
♀ Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 2:56 PM, July 13th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So...do you guys think I need to reach out to him and say,

"Boy...I fucked up, didn't I?"


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced

"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings


Posts: 4153 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
devistatedmom
♀ Member
Member # 24961
Default  Posted: 3:24 PM, July 13th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't know if that would work with this guy cmego...I was talking in the future tense the next time you get to this point.

With this guy? It might not hurt to reach out and just say hey...did I do something to scare you off? and see where it goes. If he doesn't answer, you are no worse off than you are now. If he responds, maybe you two can talk it through and see where things go. Depends how much you liked him, I think, and if you are willing to hear what he says.


BS(me) 46, Two wonderful teens.
He is no longer my best friend. Repeat until it sticks.

WH says marriage is over: May 15, 2009.
EA#2 July 20, 2009. Legally sep: Aug 16, 2009. DIVORCED!!!! Signed Nov 23, final Dec 24, 2010, adultery listed.


Posts: 5513 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Canada
cmego
♀ Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 3:41 PM, July 13th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, I did like him. We have a crazy amount of things in common. I'm not crazy that he avoided the conversation. I don't mind a guy taking me down a peg or two if I need it, so I'm open to listening to anyone. That is why I post/vent on SI. To check myself.

I mean, I'm just going on my experience. I know I don't multi-date well. I know I don't have casual sex, but at the same time I want sex. So...I'm a little clueless how to slow down the physical part when I want it too. I've solved this in the past by saying, "Are we seeing where this is going?" and the answer has always been yes...so game on!

I need to think. I'm torn. I don't think I handled this perfectly. But, he has avoided the topic, which isn't a great sign for future communication.


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced

"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings


Posts: 4153 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
wonderingbull
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Member # 14833
Default  Posted: 4:22 PM, July 13th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I believe you did not intend to come across as he heard it...

After two dates with no sex and just one makeout session a woman asks me for exclusivity? It didn't sound like he was a "let's go to my place" guy... He saw it as a lasso...

Two dates, Interesting conversation, some connection... Texting is not seeing and being with each other... Knowing someone mostly through text is not an accurate knowing... I would have liked to have spent more time getting to know you in person to see if I believed we were compatible enough to focus on you exclusively...

I don't think a dropping a note to him can hurt...

Just me...

WB


The secret of life is enjoying the passage of time...

James Taylor


Posts: 5976 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: A better place
cmego
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Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 4:53 PM, July 13th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OK, just working through this a little. I decide to reach out and see if we can discuss this. I kept thinking that I planted the seed and asked to talk to him. He read it as a lasso and bolted. We are both wrong.

I don't mind extending the olive branch, explaining I did not handle this well.. and asking to talk or email and see if it is worth going forward.

He has committed in relationships in the past, but...again...it sounded like he was a KISA in those relationships.

So...how do I handle me not multi dating, because I am clueless, yet he IS multi dating? I won't be able to do it for very long...


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced

"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings


Posts: 4153 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
wonderingbull
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Member # 14833
Default  Posted: 5:00 PM, July 13th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You know... I believe you have to keep your heart out of sight for more than just two dates... I don't think at our ages we can trust the heavy infatuation if there is any...

A couple of more dates and more access to his mind and listening (really listening) to what he's saying would have told you a lot more about his style and character...

Just my thoughts...

WB


The secret of life is enjoying the passage of time...

James Taylor


Posts: 5976 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: A better place
cmego
♀ Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 5:19 PM, July 13th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My heart isn't in. We did connect very well and I do/did like him. I felt he was moving fast in the "words" area and we talked about it. I didnt' want him to feel I wasn't interested because I wasn't reciprocating the compliments. I was honest and told him those come later from me once I'm "in".

I guess I will have to stop most physical contact, because that is where I get messed up. Once I'm kissing you...that means I like you. I don't kiss for giggles. Never kiss on first dates, and rarely kiss on second dates. But, the date/connection warranted a kiss, and the kiss was hotter than I expected and it turned into making out. The World Cup was on, and we didn't take our eyes off of each other. We finally had to ask the waitress what the score was after the game ended. A great 5 hour date.

I have to find a way to kiss him and not have those bonding hormones flooding me. Maybe it is all that extra estrogen I take.

Let me think about it. I guess I could take a chance and see if we can talk through it.


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced

"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings


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