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Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: If I had gotten what I needed...
ThatGuyNoMore
♂ Member
Member # 42899
Default  Posted: 11:18 PM, July 12th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think many of us waywards told ourselves, "If I had only gotten what I needed from my BS, I wouldn't have sought sex outside our marriage." It was the excuse we made to justify our affairs.

What I needed wasn't sex, it was worthiness. I didn't need to get that from other people, especially not other women. I needed to see and accept myself as worthy. The only person whose approval I needed was my wife's. But because I didn't see myself as worthy, I couldn't accept her approval as sincere. The affection and even adoration I got from my AP's was never enough. Nothing was good enough because I wasn't good enough. Through IC and self-help, I'm working on getting what I needed: self-esteem.

Ironically and painfully, it's hard to feel good about myself when I consider the damage that I've done to my wife, family, and friends.


Me and BW 48
Married 22 years, 4 kids
D-Day 3/5/14
I lied to everyone, including myself.

Posts: 211 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: US
LosferWords
♂ Guide
Member # 30369
Default  Posted: 11:33 PM, July 12th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The affection and even adoration I got from my AP's was never enough. Nothing was good enough because I wasn't good enough. Through IC and self-help, I'm working on getting what I needed: self-esteem.

Sounds an awful lot like me.

These are some good realizations. Keep digging. Keep plugging along. Keep doing the work. Onward and upward.


Posts: 7635 | Registered: Dec 2010
Matilda23
♀ Member
Member # 42807
Default  Posted: 11:37 PM, July 12th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

But because I didn't see myself as worthy, I couldn't accept her approval as sincere. The affection and even adoration I got from my AP's was never enough. Nothing was good enough because I wasn't good enough.
I felt the same way, because I never believed in myself. I was finding ways to feel accepted, but I was never accepted, because it never came from within. I am still fighting my worthiness.

Best of luck.


WGF - 24
BBF - MercilesslyNuked, 29
DDay 1 - 1/6/14
DDay 2 - 1/23/14

I Am Strong! I Am Beautiful! I Am Smart! I Am Worthy!


Posts: 131 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Colorado
badchoice
♂ Member
Member # 35566
Default  Posted: 11:45 PM, July 12th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Through IC and self-help, I'm working on getting what I needed: self-esteem.

Yep, I can relate.

I also projected all of my issues onto my BW.

I didn't trust her, because i was so untrustworthy. How could anyone be honest.


Me: fWH/BH 46

Separated transitioning to D


Posts: 730 | Registered: May 2012 | From: L.A.
BrokenButTrying
♀ Member
Member # 42111
Default  Posted: 2:23 AM, July 13th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I really relate to this, it sounds exactly like me.

Ironically and painfully, it's hard to feel good about myself when I consider the damage that I've done to my wife, family, and friends.

I understand this especially. The more I work on myself, the more I demonstrate change, the easier it is to feel good about the person I am becoming.

Keep going, TGNM. You're doing well.


Me - 27
Him - 27
Madhatters

My Ddays - 01/2010 & 12/04/14
His Dday - 23/12/13

Chin up. Unwavering. Fight. I can do this.


Posts: 1258 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: UK
DrJekyll
♂ Member
Member # 43618
Default  Posted: 6:10 AM, July 13th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

this hits home for me too.

it is a hard place trying to learn to trust, love, believe in, and have worth in myself after all of the damage I caused. Sometimes it feel like "I am pretty screwed up, so why don't I throw myself in a meat grinder to make all of this worse."

a thought I had was that my BS could have only loved my for my money. of course this was ridiculous. She married me long before I had any. And I seriously do not make that much. Enough, but not a lot of excess. But I have come to terms with, that was the only thing that I saw as valuable. And of course at the time, she did not have all of the facts. So she was immediately discounted.

i have always had self-esteem issues. which is funny. because I am somewhat successful and attractive man. But due to my FOO, I have never been smart enough, good looking enough, successful enough. I have always been in competition with my brother. He was my NPD mother's favorite. I was insignificant. So I totally get the need of worthiness. I have spent my whole life trying to earn her love. A love that I can never receive. She is incapable of it. I have finally accepted that she will never love me truly. Not in a healthy way. I will always be no more than an object to her.

Sorry for the long post, not hoping to T/J this just hit so home for me. I think this resonates with a lot of waywards.


I am no longer Dr. Jekyll or Mr. Hyde. I am me, and they are both part of me.

"If you don't eat the elephant in one bite, it might trample you while chewing"

ME: WH HER: BS (holesinmybucket)

I do not PM with Women


Posts: 746 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: United States
20WrongsVs1
♀ Member
Member # 39000
Default  Posted: 10:58 AM, July 13th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i have always had self-esteem issues. which is funny. because I am somewhat successful and attractive man.

ICR. It honestly shocked me, to realize (toward the end of A2) that I had low self-esteem. Me! I'd always carried and portrayed myself as self-confident, but I'd been faking it. Even to myself.

Which proves that self-esteem comes from within. Conventional physical beauty, wealth, career achievements...none of that really matters.


fWW: 42
BH: 52
DDay: April 21, 2013
Sweet DS & fierce DD, under 10
"Between stimulus and response thereís a space, in that space lies our power to choose our response, in our response lies our growth and our freedom." V. Frankl

Posts: 1249 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Redneck land
LostTime
♂ Member
Member # 42018
Default  Posted: 11:46 AM, July 13th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can't honestly say I ever blamed my BS for not giving me what I needed, but everything else is so fitting.

It wasn't about sex or wanting OW. It was worthiness. I never felt good enough or worthy of true lasting love so despite the total giving and giving from my BS (to the detriment of her self worth) I didn't trust it and projected my lack of self worth onto her.

I just didn't realize how deep this lack of worthiness ran and how negatively I put my issues onto my BS.

Thank you for this post and good luck on your journey to find your worthiness.


Me: WS - 38
Her: Beautiful, amazing BS - 38
5 beautiful amazing kids ages 2 - 14.
Separated and hoping for reconciliation one day.

Posts: 139 | Registered: Jan 2014
Merida
♀ Member
Member # 42437
Default  Posted: 11:02 PM, July 13th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

thank you for posting this nugget - hits the nail on the head, as they say

As the BS this is what I am finding is hard to handle - my words/actions of affirmation, love, whatever you want to call it, are discounted - because of that kind of perceptional framework.

Not saying I am not working to change how I communicate to avoid the assumptions, judgments, criticisms etc. but it's still hard for me to accept that my gifts may be rejected in that sense.

My husband was brave enough to share with me that he felt insecure when asked to write about what he loves most about me, and then what he feels about what he just wrote... insecure

he didn't feel happy, nor honored, not lucky, not content warm-fuzziness

he felt insecure

when I asked him to clarify his feelings he likened it to a being a guitar player who is playing this local bar when his idol walks in and hears him playing and so he feels all self-conscious and doesn't know what to do in that guitar player's presence... he doesn't feel worthy

man, I never realized my best friend could still feel so emotionally empty even when I was saying and doing everything to show him how much I loved him... I feel so lost as to what to do

since I know really I can't do anything other than empathize with that kind of pain... and I wanna go bop his mom and dad for shaping that messed-up mentality

ugh

hopeful at this point we are at a bottom and only able to be climbing

but yah, thanks for sharing and I am definitely in agreement we deal with that issue as well


"The Will of God will never take you where the Grace of God will not protect you."

WH is katumus and I am not reading his posts but we talk a lot and working on listening better!

BW 45
WH 46

married 17 years
3 kids


Posts: 213 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Maryland
familyfirst
♀ Member
Member # 42651
Default  Posted: 9:34 AM, July 14th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I completely agree that
What I needed wasn't sex

is common for all of us.


Posts: 230 | Registered: Mar 2014
Wayflost
♀ Member
Member # 41583
Default  Posted: 12:04 PM, July 14th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The only person whose approval I needed was my wife's. But because I didn't see myself as worthy, I couldn't accept her approval as sincere. The affection and even adoration I got from my AP's was never enough. Nothing was good enough because I wasn't good enough.

Ouch. ICR, this is exactly what I struggle with as well. I never felt worthy, so I went out and made myself unworthy of my BH's love and respect. He sometimes will tell me that he doesn't need me. He's right. Sadly, for me, I desperately feel like I need him. I'm getting stronger, and as I get stronger I still want him.

Thank you for sharing.


Me: WW
Him: BH (totalheartbreak)
Both: 30s

Posts: 428 | Registered: Dec 2013
redsox13
♂ Member
Member # 43391
Default  Posted: 12:08 PM, July 14th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think every BS wants to hear this:
I'm getting stronger, and as I get stronger I still want him.


BS - 45
WW - 43
In R for 5 years, still hurting but finally letting go

Posts: 276 | Registered: May 2014 | From: nh
alwaysrunning
♀ New Member
Member # 43897
Default  Posted: 12:33 PM, July 14th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm getting stronger, and as I get stronger I still want him.

Yes!! Everything I want to say about my journey so far in such a simple sentence.

I used my BH's emotional abandonment during a loved ones traumatizing death to justify my A. It was so hard for me to let go of the thought "Well, if YOU would have been there for me while X was happening, I wouldn't have had an A". An affair is not a normal reaction. Leaving that justification behind and owning my actions was very hard for me. But I am better for it and I love my BH now more than I ever have.


Me: fWW
Him: BH
Married: 9 years, together 14
1 young child
EA began in July 2011, PA followed in August 2011.
DDay#1 December 27, 2011.
DDay #2 March 2012
Separated Oct 2012-December 2013
R started Dec 2013

Posts: 6 | Registered: Jun 2014
outtamymind
♂ Member
Member # 33607
Default  Posted: 6:12 PM, July 14th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This hits home with me as well.

For me, it was never about the sex. In fact, the sex between my ex and I was great. I couldn't have asked for better.

I always had self-esteem problems. Still do. But I am getting better with it. I have found that cheating, lying and everything else associated with "wayward behavior" just leads to more guilt and embarrassment...and doesn't help improve self-esteem at all.


Me: FWS 45

Divorced


Posts: 330 | Registered: Oct 2011
RegretsTillIDie
♂ New Member
Member # 42412
Default  Posted: 9:47 PM, July 14th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for your post that continues to make me think deeply about who I am and what has been driving me. Insecurity, mother-issues, low self worth, trying to be someone I imagined I wanted to be Ė all are parts of the puzzle that Iím still working to piece together. And can guess who has been my biggest help, supporter, critic and overall personality? You guessed it, the woman I betrayed. Without her incredible self sacrifice and desire to keep our family together I would have swept all of this under the rug and it would have festered and grown and repeated itself once more. I owe my life and my sanity to the most adorable, beautiful, understanding, passionate woman in the world and I intend to keep working at myself and our R until I take my last breath. I only wish I had embraced this and lived it out before I made the choices that have caused so much pain. And I wish you growth as you continue to see life with new eyes. Thanks


Me: WH 55
Her: BS 55
Married: 30+ years

Posts: 24 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Midwest
Topic Posts: 15

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