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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Strike 3?
Gemini71
♀ Member
Member # 40115
Default  Posted: 3:19 PM, July 13th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Contacting the AP is usually a waste of time unless they didn't know your WW is married.

Contacting the other BS or BGF/BBF is usually encouraged. They deserve to know what their partner is doing and need to get STD tested. Most of us would rather know about our spouse's cheating than continue to live a lie. In fact, I'd be very pissed off at someone who knew about my WH's cheating and didn't let me know.

I'm going to harp on the subject because liars lie! You need to get STD tested, especially since your WW needed the morning after pill. She obviously didn't use protection.

There are no miracle cures, but there are couples who do the hard work and save their marriages. They tend to be in the reconciliation forum. They will all tell you that it will take BOTH of you to fix this. You cannot do it by yourself. Good luck.

[This message edited by Gemini71 at 3:22 PM, July 13th (Sunday)]


Edited to correct stupid typos.

Two steps forward and one step backwards, is still progress.


Posts: 1803 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Illinois, USA
NeverAgain2013
♀ Member
Member # 38121
Default  Posted: 4:46 PM, July 13th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow, you're going to forgive her a 3rd time?

You have to ask yourself what your magic number is before you finally say 'no more.' Is it 5 affairs? 10? 15?

Because if you give her another 10 years, she'll have at least 3 more (if not more) under her belt, by then.

I was married to a serial cheater a long, long time ago.

I left him.

He's STILL a serial cheater.


Be careful - that 'knight in shining armor' may very well be nothing more than an assclown wrapped in tin foil.
ME: 50+ years old and cute as a button :-)
Ex-WBF: Just a lying, cheating, gravy-sucking pig - and I left him in 2012.

Posts: 1766 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: USA
Badhurt
♂ Member
Member # 41947
Default  Posted: 4:50 PM, July 13th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Strike 3

How much more disrespectful to you can your wife be than to have an affair while with her family. So they were oblivious that she was off hanging another man.
I would not focus at all at this point on contacting the OM over men. The problem is your wife !
The fact that this has not been a love affair with one OM three times means that she is obviously not happy being in a traditional marriage with you. She wants to have sex with other men, and you have allowed it now three times that you know of with no consequences other than a little questioning and uncomfortable conversation. There may have been others you do not know about. The fact that she says not means nothing because she would have confessed nothing if not caught.
You can't heal yourself until you decide whether or not you can spend the next years living in this constant doubt. No therapy is going to cure her quickly.
If you decide to stay there needs to be no more trips anywhere without you and a lot of snooping on your part. Before you do that au would try to fake her out a little and just ask her if she would like an open marriage that you are willing to openly accept. I think she will say yes, and then you have your answer to what she really wants. If she says no, then you set up the boundaries you can accept if you can accept any.
You are not dealing with this so called affair fog bull shit. You are dealing with a woman who truly likes the excitement of other men but wants to be married to you. That can be more difficult than just breaking the spell of one OM

[This message edited by Badhurt at 4:52 PM, July 13th (Sunday)]


Posts: 1097 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Eastern USA
Schadenfreude
♂ Member
Member # 43075
Default  Posted: 5:17 PM, July 13th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Read up on 180 for your own mental health and learn how to detach from her.

See a lawyer about separating finances such as bank accounts and charge cards.

Talk with her only about kids and day to,day finances.

Let her learn the more difficult side,of the single life.

You caught her three times in ten years. That doesn't mean three affairs. There could have been many more you never discovered since she's not the long term affair type it seems. I'd wager many more,affairs..

Which endangers your health and the continuation of your family.

Why is remaining married worth a thing to you?

Finally,,read other stories here about those who lve their wandering spouses to much to envision life,without them, Not pretty stories and all too often sad endings. By clinging all you do,is,prolong your agony. She's perfectly content to bang any guy who catches her fancy and will continue to do,so as she faces no consequences except the occasional,pregnancy worry.

Take,action,


Posts: 892 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Midwest
Bigger
♂ Member
Member # 8354
Default  Posted: 6:06 AM, July 14th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Can you save a marriage after three affairs?
Well… Yes… And we have numerous cases here on SI that support that “yes”.

But for each success case I guess we have at least the same number of failures.

Furthermore – although you can save a marriage after numerous affairs then you really don’t have any obligation to do so.

What I can tell you is that I don’t know of a SINGLE success story that didn’t include a couple that wanted to work on the issues, a remorseful wayward spouse, intense IC and MC and lots and lots of work.

OK – So let’s look at the “positives”.

To start off with: Her decision to have an affair has nothing to do with you per se. There is nothing you did or did not do that made her go think reaching out to someone else is a good idea. If she felt something was missing from the marriage her correct response would have been to talk to you about it, demand change or possibly divorce. But going out and actively hunting for a lover… No. So don’t go looking for the reasons for her straying in you. Won’t find it there.

Another “positive”: When I see people having multiple affairs it confirms my view that in the vast majority of cases the affair partner isn’t relevant. This can actually be confirmed/supported in the low success rate of relationships that start in infidelity. I recall seeing research that showed that less than 5% of infidelity-founded relationships last more than a year.

Your WW selected her OM based on the fact they were available – not on the fact that they were so special. The reason this is a “positive” is that it makes detaching from the OM easier. However… she has to realize why she cheats and associate her affairs to those emotions rather than the OP.

OK – SO what to do?
Well… DEFINITELY don’t do what you have done to-date.


I think a good heart-to-heart with your wife is in order. You would want to get the following messages across:
-Ask her whether she thinks this situation is sustainable.
-Does she think a marriage that has already had 3 affairs that you know of is healthy?
-Tell her that you simply assume that there were others. Don’t blame her for others or accuse her of others. Simply state the obvious: Since she has cheated three times that you know of there might be others you don’t know of.
-Tell her that right now her word has little value to you. Her denial that there were 4-5-6-7… affairs has no weight at all.
-Tell her that right now – as things stand – the only thing you know and is definite is that if nothing is done she is going to cheat again. It’s not a question of if but only when.
-Then tell her that the ONLY WAY YOU can ensure you won’t be cheated on again is by divorcing. After all – if you are no longer her husband then she won’t be having affairs per se, but rather relationships.
-Point out the fact you are there talking to her rather than simply having her served speaks volumes. It shows that IF you are offered the right path, the right commitment you are willing to work on the marriage.

-Then ask her what SHE wants.
-Make it perfectly clear that she’s free to divorce. The process to terminate a marriage is a known one and you two can find ways to do so in an amicable manner.
-Make it clear that you prefer divorce to being cheated on again. If she won’t commit to the marriage then PLEASE be honest about it and set you free.
-If she wants to work on the marriage you have some requirements that need to be met. Be open for discussion on the requirements but don’t omit or negotiate on any of them without asking us. (The requirements are below).
-If she needs to then give her some time to digest and reply. But no more than 6-8 hours. PRESS for a reply.

IF she commits to the marriage then she needs to meet some standards:

She needs IC. This is a MUST.
Now – normally an IC focuses on his/her patient with no thought for the spouse. But in your case I would recommend you take part in a consult because you want to get the message across: Your wife does not have to remain married to you but while she is then you don’t want to share her.

You two need MC.
In your case it might be beneficial that the same person is WW IC and your MC.

Accountability.
She has to be an open book. Right now the trust you have is sub-zero. It’s going to be that way for a long long time. One of the goals of MC is to rebuild realistic trust but for now you need to know everything about where she is, whom she’s with, what she’s got planned…

I would also suggest you spend time with an IC. Infidelity is traumatic and it’s an experience that can really strike at the core of our existence. I did a lot of self-evaluation and goal-setting after my d-day and it was key in my personal recovery.


"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

Posts: 5559 | Registered: Sep 2005
Brandon808
♂ Member
Member # 35619
Default  Posted: 11:40 AM, July 14th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You need to file for D because you cannot reconcile.
You cannot reconcile, truly reconcile, because at this point your WW has shown no remorse, no transparency and no accountability.

I rugswept my first dday. It led to three more.

You can't convince her to do anything.
There is no combination of words that will make her see your pain and realize the enormity of her actions. The M had indeed been destroyed but it is her responsibility to start recovery. New that's not to say you don't love her. Wert know you do. However, it takes both people for a M to be sustainable and she is actively choosing to wreck it.

[This message edited by Brandon808 at 11:41 AM, July 14th, 2014 (Monday)]


xBH
D final 8/2012

Posts: 3882 | Registered: May 2012 | From: southeast
steppingup
♂ Member
Member # 42650
Default  Posted: 11:55 AM, July 14th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My thoughts are you are like me have a serial cheater unrepentant, she needs to have a very good therapist show her that she has a psychological problem, she cannot say no to the approach of another man and is constantly looking for validation.

3, the number is likely much more. My WS is at 3, but I'm thinking it is more like 6.

Denial then blame, denial then blame.

that is the cycle, don’t buy it. We will keep being victims as long as we let them victimize us.

Those are my thoughts.

For me I just wish the complexity of children and not having family nearby were not in the picture, otherwise my decision is a clear as the view from the surface of the moon.


Her (WW 40s) Me (BH, 40s) very young DS & DD

“Whatever follows after DD is much more crucial than the infidelity action itself” Quote by SI Member Melian40

"I'm a good man, not an option" - Steppingup


Posts: 427 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: CALI
norabird
♀ Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 11:58 AM, July 14th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The only way you can get to happy ending is by finding the strength to demand the marriage you need-one with only two people in it. That means being willing to walk away if she won't agree. you have to show her you are serious or she will continue cheating.

And again, I doubt it has only been three times.

It is not what anyone wants to hear. I'm sorry for that. But it is the voice of collective experience. Listen to it. What you've been doing is not working for you.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4190 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
seethelight
♀ Member
Member # 43513
Default  Posted: 12:02 PM, July 14th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bowledover:

The major problem is that both her prior affairs, were rugswept and she used blameshifting to divert attention from her own obviously suspicious behaviors.

You might have a chance at reconciliation and she may finally stop cheating, if she gets individual counseling and you both get some marriage counseling.

Personally, I found the individual counseling more helpful.

The marriage counseling was very helpful for the first few months, though.



“If two people truly have feelings for one another then they don’t have an affair. They get a divorce and they sort out their feelings. You are accountable for the people you hold hostage in a marriage when your mind and heart refuse to fully commit

Posts: 1234 | Registered: May 2014
Topic Posts: 29
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