I don't know what you are reading, but it must have been written by someone who wanted to cheat. That advice doesn't make sense at all. Go to the healing library at the right and read up there. Giving him space to do whatever he wants, stay out all night with her, and then come home to you for laundry, meals and for sex with you will NOT get him back.
WH says marriage is over: May 15, 2009.
EA#2 July 20, 2009. Legally sep: Aug 16, 2009. DIVORCED!!!! Signed Nov 23, final Dec 24, 2010, adultery listed.
While you have been nice..he has continued to have a girlfriend..he is having sex with both of you. You are sharing your husband.
If you want to save this marriage, then you're going to need to gather some strength and tell him he can date her all he wants..but he can not be your husband while he does it. He either needs to commit to you and the marriage, or he needs to leave. What's the alternative? Sharing your husband with OW.
Does OW have a husband? Boyfriend? have you investigated her at all..or do you only know what your husband has told you.
It is not your fault that he cheated. Kids, etc. Not your fault. He may have felt lonely, but instead of turning to you, he turned to her. This is ALL on him.
Until he commits to you, and sends OW a NC message..and commits to NC..please stop having sex with him. He is exposing you to whatever possible STD's OW might have. You need to get tested..and insist he get tested also..before you have sex with him(and you get the written results!).
Right now, he is now loving you. Love is an action. He is treating you like an option. You need to show him you're not.
He may be a wonderful, amazing, loving man. But right now he is a lying cheating husband who is shitting all over you and his kids. He is risking their happiness, their stability, and their family..all for sex with some coworker.
[This message edited by confused615 at 2:56 PM, July 13th (Sunday)]
..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.
You can't wear your heart on your sleeve. Read about The 180 and give him a taste of what life might be like without you.
The 180 is really about strength - for you!
Sorry you are going through this. Hope things work out for you!
Also THIS IS IN NO WAY YOUR FAULT. Even if he was lonely, that did not give him the right to cheat on you, emotionally or otherwise. DO NOT ACCEPT THE BLAME. This is his to bear. You were not wrong in sharing your feelings. I also advise you to be tested for STD's. He his having sex with both of you. I also would not have unprotected sex again until all tests are done.
The 180 is a link in the just found out forum. I will bump it up if it is not already up there.
You can also Google it. "What is the 180 infidelity"
His affair is not your doing. It is not your fault. Don't accept blame for his horrible choice. He had many options. Breaking his marriage vows was one of the worst options available.
Whatever that crap book is, you need to burn it.
You can't "nice" someone into loving you. You can't "nice" someone into coming back to your marriage. What you're actually doing is giving him an all expenses paid ticket to walk all over you and show you zero respect.
You need to cut him off at the knees NOW.
First off I'm sorry for your pain and sorry you had to come here but since you made it please make sure to read and let it sink in all of things you've been told here by people who genuinely know where you've been, where you are now, and where you can go from here.
Like everyone else has said this is not your fault. Your poor wittle husband was aww awone? You're blaming that on him going and having an affair? You were trying to take care of y'all's baby and letting him get some rest and this is your fault? Think about what you just said, read it over, and think about it again. First things first, you're married to a selfish prick right now. He's abusing you by saying "I love you and want to be with you forever, let's make love five times a day" to "you don't make me happy anymore".
Kick this son of a bitch in the nut sack and watch him fall off that fence he is sitting on. You need to say it to yourself "I'm being abused by a man that is supposed to love me" and let it sink in. It's not your fault that you've felt this way because you obviously didn't know any better. Throw all of those books that you've been reading and get something worthwhile like Not Just Friends. He is responsible for 100% of the affair. All marriages have problems but an affair isn't the answer and any mature selfless person who is giving 100% to the one they promised fidelity to knows this.
I'm not attacking you or your husband I just want to see you tackle this problem in the correct manner otherwise you're going to have years of heartache ahead. Read that 180 real hard and apply it to him. He needs to feel the consequences of the affair because this type of behavior comes with a heavy price. See an attorney and learn your rights, perhaps even file for divorce. This doesn't mean your getting a divorce you just have to be willing to lose it in order to save it. You need to mean it and he needs to believe it. This may not make sense now but it will if you keep at it. Tell him to go to the other woman, show him to the door with his clothes. Tell him he can go to her all he wants but not while he is your husband. This he will do as a divorced man. You have nothing to lose right now because he is already gone and blinded by the reality of the situation.
If he humbles his self and starts showing remorse and is willing to live in a transparent manner then slowly he can regain yor trust. My wife has been this way for the past year and I don't trust her as far as I can throw her but it's better than it was a year ago that's why I say slowly. Like I said you have nothing to lose right now. Don't worry about "running him off" by demanding respect, loyalty, fidelity, and all the things that one decent being does for another that they truly love. If he doesn't want to do those things then you are much better off without him and he can be replaced by one who is willing to do those things. It's hard to see it now but the closer you get to being fed up the better it sounds. I wish you the best of luck. I've said enough, probably too much I just get riled up at people who blame theirselves for their sorry excuse for a partners choices.
As others said, begin the 180 now. You're not ready to make a decision yet so the only decision you need to make is to take care of YOU. Your children need you now, be well for them. I know it's hard, but focus on you and the kids, not him. Hugs to you and good luck!
I agree, burn that book or whatever you're reading. It's awful advice - you can't "wait out" an affair. What an ego trip for him to have his girlfriend on one side and his wife trying to nice him in hopes he'll stay no matter what he's done on the other
Unfortunately, ti is likely they were already physical prior to you learning about it. He didn't just run off and have permission to have sex with her because he said he was leaving you. It was likely already happening.
Definitely read up on the resources in the Healing Library in the upper left. You deserve to be treated better your children deserve better. You are worthy.
My H is genuinely an amazing man, very kind and loving with a good heart.
FYI I want to save our marriage regardless of what he has done
I love him unconditionally, my love is not going to fade because of his behavior or because hes human and made a mistake. I just want him to realize the mistake hes making
I'm a newbie to the forum so I'm sure the resident experts will put me right if needed but it seems to me from the quotes that you're totally dependent/co-dependent on your WH.
I've realised that I'm dependent on my WW and it's an awful thing to have to admit to yourself. As much as I want to save our marriage it takes two.
How long are you willing to have your heart broken in the hope that he might come back to you...6 months... 2 years... eternity?
Whilst I hope for the best between you and WH you must unfortunately prepare yourself for the worst.
Sorry to sound so negative. It's a crappy place to be for sure and your D-day is very recent. You will go through the whole range of emotions.
You may want to consider some IC.
[This message edited by sillyoldsod at 5:26 AM, July 18th (Friday)]
DD - 25/02/2014 (our wedding anniversary!)
Married 19 years, together 25 years.
FOO issues or no FOO issues, mid life crisis or no mid life crisis... I'm divorcing her!
Welcome to SI. It is a place where people understand your hurt, pain and confusion. We've been there.
It is also a place of honesty and advice based on experience.
Sure, every situation is unique but cheating also has many common factors as well.
Head to the Healing Library at the upper left hand corner. Read, read, read.
You are in denial.
Even though you know in fact your WH is having an affair, you continue not to really believe it. Denial provides a buffer zone from the reality of what has happened.
This denial is centered in believing that things are still the same and then coming up short to realize the person you married is not the person you thought they were. There is a very strong to desire to continue life as it was before.
need to be patient because affairs usually dwindle down after a year
No, no, no. Do you really want to live your life like this for a year? With him coming and going? Sleeping with another woman and disregarding you and your children?
This is not true nor logical. What happens when it doesn't "dwindle" down? What then?
because he's human and made a mistake
This behavior and his continual choices to cheat are not mistakes. They are malicious, intentional acts that cause you and your family harm. Once is a mistake, twice is a habit.
You need to fight for you and your children.
If you allow him to treat you like a choice, he will. You're better than being an option.
You cannot nice or love your WS back. I know this from personal experience. I did just about everything wrong. Again, the wish I had found SI back then.
You have already had advice about knocking him off the fence (Uhtred). You need to do that or he will continue to eat cake - you and OW. He needs to be made to realize what he is about to lose. He needs to be made to realize that you will not share him. He is with you exclusively or not at all.
I am a Christian. The Christian community is too easy with "forgive and forget" which is totally unfair to the betrayed spouse and sets up for a repeat performance down the road - no consequences of any substance. There is a book by Dr. James Dobson called "Love Must be Tough" that goes counter to that and I suggest you try to find it and read it. I got it off Amazon but is also in lots of book stores. Dr. Dobson is a Christian but says that the traditional Christian approach is fraught with danger and bound to fail. You must be tough and lay down some tough conditions with the expectation that severe consequences will follow with failure by the wayward.
As others have said - this is not your fault. It is entirely on him. He needs to get knocked off the fence hard. It needs to happen early because IMO the longer it goes the more difficult it is (my experience again).
My thoughts and prayers go out to you.