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User Topic: Am i sabotaging R?
Christy516
♀ Member
Member # 42546
Default  Posted: 9:34 PM, July 13th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Things are going really well for us as we are trying to reconcile. Idk if we are actually in R. I think by definition we are bit i find myself afraid to post in R. I know that sounds silly. And right after i joined SI i went almost immediately to that forum to post, like going there meant we are farther along than we were. I think that is what I'm struggling with now. We are arguing. Not over current issues. Over the past. And he handles it well. Is supportive, remorseful etc. for about as long as any person could be. Until i push it too far. And i am pushing it too far. Not arguing fairly or constructively. And Iknow it. IIt's almost like I want him to get mad and give up so i can say "see i knew it wasn't true. I knew i couldn't count on him"

Why am i doing this? Is it fear? If i can push him away then i won't be caught off guard again if he ever cheats again? How do i stop? Because if i don't stop then i will eventually push him away. Things really are very good when I'm not doing this. Better than they ever have been in our marriage.


Me: 44
Him: 39
DD: 1/5/14 (the final one)
Trying to recover

Posts: 118 | Registered: Feb 2014
MovingUpward
♂ Guide
Member # 14866
Default  Posted: 10:34 PM, July 13th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Until i push it too far. And i am pushing it too far. Not arguing fairly or constructively. And Iknow it.

You answered your own question. You are sabotaging your R. And I do think it is fear. A fear of letting yourself be vulnerable again. For the relationship to grow from here you will have to open yourself up more and more. I don't have any tips on how to stop yourself, but if you can't find any then looking into counseling to help with this issue would be well worth it for you.


AKA Moo

Think of the haters in your life as sandpaper; they’ll scratch you up time and time again but in the end you’re polished, smooth, and spotless..while they end up useless

We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give.


Posts: 52148 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Big Blue Nation
Ostrich80
Member
Member # 34827
Default  Posted: 1:38 AM, July 14th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with movingupward. It's scary to trust again. Do you think you could be pushing to see if he will take it? You know like to prove he wants to R. Maybe your subconsciously testing him to see if he will just say forget it or if he will fight harder for your marriage.


BS..me
WS..him
Been with him over half my life
4kid
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-12-12 discovered it never ended
OW..nothing special. Just your average skank
Status..#$%@????

Posts: 5028 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: midwest
Christy516
♀ Member
Member # 42546
Default  Posted: 11:18 AM, July 14th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think that is exactly what I'm doing. But i don't think it's a healthy thing. I think i need to decide if I really can take the chamce with him again. Funny thing is he recognises what I'm doing too. This morning as i was leaving for work, he stops and kisses me and says maybe we can talk more tonight. I answer yes we can, i think i know what's going on. He then says "you mean you see you are trying to push me away to see if i will leave because you are scared? I'm not. And I'm not ever going to put either one of us through that again". I guess he knows me pretty well.


Me: 44
Him: 39
DD: 1/5/14 (the final one)
Trying to recover

Posts: 118 | Registered: Feb 2014
Chinadoll30
♀ Member
Member # 43131
Default  Posted: 12:06 PM, July 14th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am doing the same thing. I think it is a test, I think it is fear, and I think it is because I WANT him to suffer. I need him to suffer. And even though I know that he is suffering, it still doesn't feel like enough. I want him to be as broken as he made me. And I can tell myself that he is, but I just don't know. I know at some point I will have to work towards forgiveness or acceptance, but I am just not there.


"We must see all scars as beauty. Okay? This will be our secret. Because take it from me, a scar does not form on the dying. A scar means 'I survived'." -Chris Cleave

Posts: 292 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Philadelphia
seethelight
♀ Member
Member # 43513
Default  Posted: 12:19 PM, July 14th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Christy:

Your inability to trust him is normal.

You will never be able to trust him 100 percent, nor should you.

The question is can you live with that?

Maybe you are trying to push him away because the answer is no.

The other thing, is maybe on some level you feel that he was never a good husband, and not worth fighting for.

This is the point where I am at, thanks to individual counseling and MC.

I can see that my husband always had unrealistic expectations of married life.

As a result, I tried too hard to give him the freedoms he insisted on which led to his cheating.

In doing so, I put up with a lot of emotional abuse. Things that I did not see as abuse until I received counseling.

Counseling has helped clarify for me that my wayward was never 100 percent into the marriage. He was married but he still wanted to be single.

I hope you are getting IC because that is really what helped me more than MC


“If two people truly have feelings for one another then they don’t have an affair. They get a divorce and they sort out their feelings. You are accountable for the people you hold hostage in a marriage when your mind and heart refuse to fully commit

Posts: 1127 | Registered: May 2014
Christy516
♀ Member
Member # 42546
Default  Posted: 12:40 PM, July 14th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Seethelight - i am having a hard time knowing i can nevertrust 100%. And I'm not exactly talking about trusting him not to sleep with othrr women. I mean trust him with ME. That part in a relationship that protects, nurtures, is always on your side, doesn'tlet you get hurt. That part that is partners, a tteam, us against the world. That is the biggest betrayal. He "left"me on my own, threw in with someone else so to speak. And ddidn't bother to even tell me. He watched me struggle and suffer as he took his A underground for 6 months, giving me just enough to keep me here. How is that anything close to love? It wasn't. His love and loyalty at the time were with her. Real or not he thought it was.
I know iI'm supposed to understand the A wasn't about me. But deep inside I don't. Because if he thoughti was good enough or sspecial or that what we had together was precious he could never have treated me that way.
I will say that he so different in the last 6 months since NC. Different than in our whole marriage. But how do you truly believe the same person that looked you in the eyes when you felt like you were dying from the pain and lied?


Me: 44
Him: 39
DD: 1/5/14 (the final one)
Trying to recover

Posts: 118 | Registered: Feb 2014
seethelight
♀ Member
Member # 43513
Default  Posted: 4:07 PM, July 14th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Christy:

I wish could answer that question for you in a soothing way.

The truth is only YOU can answer that question because only you are in a relationship with that man.

Going forward you need to look for actions, not words, to help get your trust level up to at least 90 percent.

Is he being transparent, with his phone, and computer, does he let you surprise him at work.

If he traveled for work was he willing to give up his job for one that did not involve travel, to help you feel safer.

..But deep inside I don't. Because if he thoughti was good enough or sspecial or that what we had together was precious he could never have treated me that way.

He knows you are special and good. Your relationship was precious to him, and that's likely why he hid the affair. He wanted the thrill of the new fling and the safety of your precious and secure love.

The affair was about him. His selfishness. It most likely wasn't about a lack of love for you.

It was about him, not being able to handle the stresses of a long term marriage.

People can change, but only you can be the judge of whether or not your spouse is capable of change.

If you take a peek in the wayward forum, you will see many men who regret their affair, and are trying their darndest to make their wives fall back in love with them.

Is your husband trying to win your love back?

Does he realize he is only going to get one more chance with you to make things right?

With that said, I often have the same feelings you do.

I, too, am around the two year marker. I read the around the two year marker, things can sometimes seem worse.

Sending hugs.


“If two people truly have feelings for one another then they don’t have an affair. They get a divorce and they sort out their feelings. You are accountable for the people you hold hostage in a marriage when your mind and heart refuse to fully commit

Posts: 1127 | Registered: May 2014
veronique12
♀ Member
Member # 42185
Default  Posted: 4:21 PM, July 14th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think many of us do this to a degree, especially early on. I know I do sometimes. I can get caught up in the feeling that the A shows that I mean so little to him and I need proof showing otherwise in order to stay in R--so I push and push to see how much he will take. And that somehow will prove that I and our M are worth fighting for.

I consider this a normal response, esp for people with self-esteem issues (which is like 99% of BS's!), but probably not healthy for the M long term.

[This message edited by veronique12 at 4:22 PM, July 14th (Monday)]


BW: me (38)
WH: 43
OW: false "friend"
D-Day: 11/29/13 (4 month EA discovered); 12/19/13 (discovered was also PA); TT thru 2/14
Married: 2001; Together for nearly 20 years
2 beautiful young kids

Posts: 494 | Registered: Jan 2014
Christy516
♀ Member
Member # 42546
Default  Posted: 8:48 PM, July 14th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We are actually only 6 months past last DDay. Coming up on one year of first found out about this A.

He is as transparentas a person can be. Calls if his plans change. Always where he says he will be. I have all passwords and his blessing and eencouragementto look at wwhatever i need.

He changed jobs. Less money but his last job allowed him the freedom to contact and meet her during the day. This is a more physical job that seems to leave him more satisfied at the end of the day.

He has always struggled with depression. Visited his doc and had a med change that seems to help tremendously. He had refused to do this for the year of the A.

He is trying very hard to win me back and it is very clear this is it. We are trying to communicate and get to a point of trust that if ever "feeelings or temptations" come along we can talk about it and handle it together.

We also talked about my continued feeling of being not enough tonight. He said he didn't give a rat's ass about himself and that made him incapable of truly caring for me the way he should have. He has done a lot to address those feelings in himself.

I don't know if there is anything else he could humanly do. If i was able to direct his actions at this point i wouldn't have a thing to change. I think I'm afraid of taking that leap into trust again. Things are going so well i find myself back in further than I'm ready for if that makes sense. I want to be slow, to really see so i don't miss anything.

I think I'm freaking out a little bit about the upcoming anniversary. I hope now that I've recognized why I'm doing this, i can handle it better.


Me: 44
Him: 39
DD: 1/5/14 (the final one)
Trying to recover

Posts: 118 | Registered: Feb 2014
Christy516
♀ Member
Member # 42546
Default  Posted: 8:52 PM, July 14th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Also thank you all so much for helping think this through! I don't know what i would do without this site. Actually, i think i would be doing everything wrong, lol!

And sorry for the typos. It's hard on the phone.


Me: 44
Him: 39
DD: 1/5/14 (the final one)
Trying to recover

Posts: 118 | Registered: Feb 2014
Ostrich80
Member
Member # 34827
Default  Posted: 12:46 AM, July 15th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think that a sad part of infidelity, I don't feel like I could ever have that 100% trust again with anyone. That innocent blind trust is destroyed.


BS..me
WS..him
Been with him over half my life
4kid
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-12-12 discovered it never ended
OW..nothing special. Just your average skank
Status..#$%@????

Posts: 5028 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: midwest
stunnedmullet
♀ Member
Member # 42975
Default  Posted: 2:49 AM, July 15th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Seethelight - i am having a hard time knowing i can nevertrust 100%. And I'm not exactly talking about trusting him not to sleep with othrr women. I mean trust him with ME. That part in a relationship that protects, nurtures, is always on your side, doesn'tlet you get hurt. That part that is partners, a tteam, us against the world. That is the biggest betrayal. He "left"me on my own, threw in with someone else so to speak. And ddidn't bother to even tell me. He watched me struggle and suffer as he took his A underground for 6 months, giving me just enough to keep me here. How is that anything close to love? It wasn't. His love and loyalty at the time were with her. Real or not he thought it was.
I know iI'm supposed to understand the A wasn't about me. But deep inside I don't. Because if he thoughti was good enough or sspecial or that what we had together was precious he could never have treated me that way.
I will say that he so different in the last 6 months since NC. Different than in our whole marriage. But how do you truly believe the same person that looked you in the eyes when you felt like you were dying from the pain and lied?

Christy516 - this is exactly, exactly how I feel too. We were a team, our marriage was sacred, or so I thought. He was a good husband and father for the majority of our married life. For the past 12-18 months that slowly changed and then he had his affair. He is back pretty close to the man he was before all of this, but the fact remains that for at least six months he didn't care at all about me, he blatantly lied to me whilst I tried to talk to him about our decaying relationship. He paraded her to his work mates, he took my kids on a date with her, but most of all, she meant everything to him then and I didn't. I don't know if I can get past that hurt, he has destroyed the most important things to me. I loved being his wife and a stay at home mum, and he crapped all over that. I keep asking myself how I can look at him the same again, knowing that our relationship is forever scarred by his affair. How can I love someone that could intentionally destroy our past 19 years.

I don't know what the answer is. I struggle to live each day with this pain, the only thing keeping me from ending it is not leaving my kids with that stigma.

I don't know Christy but I wanted to let you know, I understand exactly how you feel


DD April Fools Day 2014 (unfortunately no joke)

BS (me) 40
WH 38
OW - a friend of WH for 5 years

4 month EA which turned into a 5 month PA

Us together 20 years, married 17 and 6 kids

I always thought I was enough but obviously not!


Posts: 184 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Australia
FeelingMN
♂ Member
Member # 32240
Default  Posted: 8:59 AM, July 15th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

At 6 months out from your last dday the roller coaster of emotions is still a pretty wild ride. Definitely was for me. It's still early in the process and normal to put yourself in defensive mode. Hopefully your BH will continue to do all the right things for healing and there won't be any new ddays. If he does and R is what you want then it's going to take time.


Me 41
fWW 37
DD(19), DS(17), DD(11) (Mine, hers, ours)
Together 14y, Married 12
DDay Aug 2010, 4 mos TT & gaslighting
ONS + EA after 15yr Class reunion out of state

Posts: 267 | Registered: May 2011 | From: Minnesota
Topic Posts: 14

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