Didn't lose the baby weight? Oh, right. So his vows only meant something if your BMI was in a certain range? What a POS for saying that to you. Nothing he's done is your fault, in any way. AND, if he was not happy, he should have found constructive ways to deal with it. Getting a girlfriend is NOT a constructive way to deal with problems, real or perceived.
Regarding yesterday, why did you hide away in the bedroom? He's tho one that should be hiding from shame, not you.
He has a history of being verbally abusive - when he's angry and he thinks that excuses to say things that you 'don't really mean'.
I know that feeling all too well. It's not fair and it hurts. Even if you know it's not true it still hurts that someone you love can be so cruel.
When you text, is it strictly baby and/or finance related? If not, I really recommend you keep it to those topics - the baby and finances. If he goes off-track, have a standard line ready to repeat, such as "I would prefer that we only discuss baby and financial responsibilities." Then, no matter what he says, just repeat this line. If he becomes abusive, say something like "I will discuss baby and/or financial matters with you. I will not engage in any conversation that includes your abusive comments. If you continue to be abusive, this exchange will end."
I'm so sad you're hurting. Please remember that this happened because your WH is selfish and has NO coping skills. You did nothing to cause this.
When do I start talking to him about the affair and potential other affairs? When do I start figuring out if reconciliation is possible or not? I'm in a limbo with him where we don't talk, don't work through anything that he did and that happened and I know that he thinks that will eventually lead to me 'getting over' it and us just pretending nothing happened..
When do you start talking about the affair? You don't. I assume you've confronted and that's why he's moved out. He knows you know, and he needs to become remorseful. If not, and you R, then effectively he got what he wanted - he waited you out, and then you took him back, basically pretending nothing happened.
This isn't what you want to hear, and it's scary as hell, I know, but you need to let him come to you with ANY talk of reconciliation. If you bring it up, you're saying (without actually saying) "I know you cheated, but I still want you back, so cheating is ok as long as you don't leave." I know that's not the message you want to send, and it's not the life you want, so please, for you, don't do it. Don't discuss anything other than the baby UNLESS it is him apologizing. Blaming you is completely unacceptable. Waiting for you to just 'accept' it and ask him to come home is unacceptable.
So what happens if he never does that? Well, you have your answer. That's the scary one, right? What if this is it? What if he never comes around and apologizes? None of us wanted to face that possibility, but if you want to move forward, and not just rugsweep, then you need him to be the one to initiate any talk of R.
I suppose the one thing you might do is, and this is only one time so he knows this is where you stand: You could text, once, saying something along the lines of
"I have known for X days that you have had an affair. In that time, you have blamed me, blamed baby weight, insulted me and not even had the decency to apologize. If you are not willing to take even the smallest steps towards healing the damage your affair has caused, I am going to start planning my life without you. I will not wait for you forever, and I absolutely will not act as if your affair has not done significant damage to me and to this marriage. If you want to discuss this, I am willing to have a conversation regarding my needs, boundaries and requirements. I am not willing to be insulted, belittled, or blamed. You chose to have this affair. I will not be blamed for your choices."
I wouldn't offer him any more than that. Let him know that you're serious, that waiting it out won't work, and that you're prepared, if necessary, to move on. He may respond with something nasty at first. If he does, ignore it. He'll probably stew on it for a day or two before anything real happens.
Forgive me - but if he's waiting for you to just 'move on', I'm guessing that in the past that's how the fights have gone - you get upset, he becomes abusive, you eventually cave, and you both just move on, business as usual. Is that correct?
You need to get to a LAWYER.
You don't have to suffer for what he did. You're CHOOSING to.
Stop hiding in the shadows and allowing this egotistical jackass to dictate how you act, think and feel. Why would YOU hide because he's an irresponsible loser who thinks NOTHING about deserting his wife and child? His sorry ass should be hiding from everyone - out of pure shame and humiliation - for reaching an all-time LOW in basic human behavior.
Get to a lawyer NOW. Get a child custody agreement hammered out so you don't have to be a sitting duck whenever HE suddenly decides he wants to play daddy for an hour - when it's convenient for HIM, of course. Way to parent.
STOP letting him call the shots.
More importantly, you need a CHILD SUPPORT order in the works pronto.
Lastly, cut off ALL communication with this jerk and tell him if he needs to talk to you to do it through your lawyer.
Stop hiding in the dark from this verbally abusive ass and get to a lawyer today.
[This message edited by NeverAgain2013 at 8:45 AM, July 14th (Monday)]
After DDay, whenever he'd try his old tactics, I'd remain calm (or as calm as possible) and refuse to let the topic change. He'd bring something up, I'd say 'if you want to discuss that, do it later. We're discussing X right now." He'd keep on, and I'd stick to my guns. I'd leave the room, he'd chase me, still trying to attack me for some off topic thing, and I'd just keep saying that's NOT the topic, and he needs to bring that up later. It took a few fights, but he finally figured out I wasn't going to always be on the defense.
He can't twist things if YOU stay on topic. It's hard, trust me, I know. It's so hard - but you can do it. You'll catch yourself moving towards his new topic, but pull back. Don't let him do it. If he starts being verbally abusive, tell him you're not going to be abused and if he wants to discuss the topic like a grown up to let you know.
It's amazing how quickly they'll change when they realize you aren't falling for their mind games any longer.
You can do this Tigaress. You don't have to accept less. If you play his game this time, what's next? Don't send the message that cheating is ok. It's not. And you may as well show him that you aren't up for the headgames he's so found of. You're both parents now. The behaviors you both exhibit are the traits your child will pick up. Right now, your child will either be abusive or abused. I know you want neither for your baby - something needs to change.
Let karma take its time with him and try to trust that it will catch up.
D-day #1 Jan 31 2007
D-Day #2 March 25 2007
Roll on Roll on Roller Coaster
We're one day older and one step closer
Roll on there's mountains to climb
Roll on we're on borrowed time
Working on Re
Take a look back at what you have written over the last few weeks and try to view your story from an outside perspective, Does he seem like the sort of man who deserves your love? Is this the kind of person you want to grow old with?
You are not to blame for his affair (it is doubtful with the vain personality you describe that he has been celibate for 18 months). Take a stand and do something for yourself, you deserve so much more than what he has given you. Don't be his victim.
Gently, he's gas lighting & being abusive. You have to decide what is acceptable for you, and what will give you the most calm.
Sending hugs and strength your way!
It's just not that simple.
OW - multiple, just found out about ALL of them, Husband coming out of years of fog due to multiple childhood and military events.
Hopeful but cautious
6 years of TT, hidden STD & false R
Separated 5 mos+; he will not commit
Someday I will be okay
Do you want me to tell you something really subversive? Love is everything it's cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about it.