Worked for a company that was open 24 hours a day, seven days a week. Had it good for a while, was on day shift with a weekend day off. Was great having nights off and a partial weekend with my wife. Then things started to turn. Was forced to work the night shift. 10 hour shifts that usually wound up being 12 to 14, split days off. Any, well, all time off I spent sleeping. During this time I was diagnosed with depression and put on Cymablta. My attitude towards my job was diminishing, and I was becoming agitated towards some coworkers. I sometimes took lower dosages or skipped all together my Cymbalta, costing 75 a month, and one night I paid the price for that. Lost my tempter, lost my job. We were somewhat ok for a little time with my retirement funds, but that was short lived. Finding a job that paid good was a hopeless search. I kept lowering my standards in my searches, never getting a response from any applied for job. We had to borrow money at times to make ends meet, and filed bankruptcy.
During this time, my self esteem was gone. I looked at my wife and could see a form of resentment. I knew what had happened was my fault, and we were now struggling because of it. Somewhere along this time, I made the biggest mistake I have ever made. I don't remember if I clicked on a spam mail or went directly to it, but wound up on adult friend finder. I don't remember what I put on it, I made it, and left it. So now that I did that, here comes all the spam. So and so looked at you. So and so sent you a message. Yeah right....I don' think I had put any information there to get a response. Out of curiosity I think I tried to log in, and could not. Forgot password or I don't know, I just could not get back in. So like a dumbass, I made another one (she reminded me that there was two, I could not remember). Same thing, made it and left it. ***Side note. During this time, I was on a generic Zoloft instead of Cymbalta due to cost. After it "kicked in", I noticed that my head was cloudy, I was having trouble concentrating, and could not remember things. I quit taking it when I left school to come home and could not honestly remember where I was going. So no antidepressants for a few months, now taking vnlafaxine, day 3?***
I just wanted to add that side note because of memory problems.
Where was I? I pretty much dismissed aff off as a being ridiculous, but made things worse by looking at craigslist. Don't ask when, I don't remember. I first started replying to some under a new email I created. No real replies, a lot of spam. A lot. I decided to amp it up and include pics of my,,,, and see what would happen. This pretty much had the same result. As some of you may know, there are a lot of fake listings on CL that hook you to a site. Pretty realistic, some even do follow up emails to help coax you. I fell prey to one (free) which was like facebook for adults. Another bad move. I decided to see what would happen by posting my own listing on CL. Yes, complete with pictures. Everything was the same result. Now what was I looking to get out of this? Online play. I went as far with some emails to give general location, times of day, but that was to separate the spam. I say this because spammers don't know the location, or time of year for that matter. Had a reply or saw a post, don't remember which, that said it sure is raining hard. It was 100' out! I don't know why I kept doing it. My thought process was it was anonymous online play.
Well, I think that is it, probably remember something else, or maybe not. I think I have it all here.
I made a comment that she denied hitting me, but I misread the email. I am not putting blame on her, and the hitting has stopped, but I understood the anger.
Regarding the violence aspect, I get she was irrational and hurt and upset and that this is probably not the norm for her to physically assault you. What you did to her, knowing her history, is entirely, not ok. What she has done to you, knowing she can only control herself and not you, is entirely, not ok. If the cops had been called, she'd be in jail right now, whether you wanted her there or not. You have stated the hitting has stopped. Just like cheating, even once is never ok. I hope that you are both safe for both your sake's.
Are you looking to trying to reconcile with your wife? This isn't her first rodeo. Her beating you up indicates the last thing for either of you is reconciliation. With that said, it doesn't mean that you don't have a crap load of work to do on you, on recovering yourself and healing you.
"If you don't eat the elephant in one bite, it might trample you while chewing"
ME: WH HER: BS (holesinmybucket)
no stop sign = BS always welcome
I gave in to temptation for self gratification.
I gave in to temptation for self gratification.
This is a good start right here. MJ has asked you to look at that further. Yes, this is hard. It is really hard when we look in the mirror and see what we have done. The road we chose to walk. The only way off that road is to look at ourselves and to figure out how we got there. You have taken your first step. Keep going.
I didn't see anywhere on those medications where it said a possible side effect is infidelity.
And, unfortunately, I started taking care of myself just about every other day.
[This message edited by DrJekyll at 12:17 PM, July 15th (Tuesday)]
These are the things you need to be thinking about. You went down a very bad road and it started with some bad decisions early on. Why did you give yourself permission to just start going down your own road here?