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Newest Member: 2ndtimernd (45746)

Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Just another day surviving infidelity...
painfulpast
♀ Member
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 2:14 PM, July 15th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi SH, a few points.

First - thank you for understanding that my post was based on only what was posted. You certainly didn't owe me nor anyone else more detail, but thank you anyway - I can see many areas where I jumped to conclusions. One thing I stand by is that I do hope things continue to move forward. As I said, you seem willing to do what it takes, and each of your follow up posts confirms that belief. I apologize for the areas where I made assumptions without all the facts.

Second, this post:


Well, I'm the new mom. She even said as much. And I'm embracing that role. It's a pretty busy day working my own job and keeping the kitchen clean, and doing laundry, and taking care of the pets.
Son and I have been trying to take walks. I watch TV and play some xbox. I'll tickle the ivories and I'm trying to learn how to play guitar. I'll sit out with the neighbors and watch the kids all run around and play. That's my socializing right there.
I killed my friendship with AP's H. So nobody to go play golf with now. Sometimes I'll take my son over to Top Golf. Having male friends is the only piece of my life I never really had, but I managed just fine (or so I thought). So yeah, if you're in the Houston area and you're a guy and you want to hang out, let me know :) My son is thinking about joining the boy scouts in the fall, so that's something I could do with him and maybe meet some bro's there. I'm not too worried about it though. All I'm worried about is keeping my family together and regaining our happiness some day.

I love it!!! All the things you're doing with your son, and being part of the neighborhood - awesome, just awesome!

Third, and this is more of a question, and I hope you don't find it offensive - in your next post you discuss the fact that if you and your wife have to go through this again, she'll be gone. One area that comes up quite a bit in JFO and reconciliation is consequences. It seems, and I may be missing something here as well, but that this time, you realize that there won't be a next time, and you've decided what is important to you. In other words, more bad behavior will result in consequences you absolutely do not want. Is this a fair statement? I ask because often a BS is afraid to use boundaries and enforce them with consequences. Others (myself included) are of the opinion that if you don't give a person a reason to change behaviors then usually they won't change - particularly if there is something they gain from the behavior. I"m curious, and I'm hoping you'd be willing to give your opinion on this.

Thanks!!


The stones from my enemies, these wounds will mend
but I cannot survive the roses from my friends

Posts: 1898 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
seethelight
♀ Member
Member # 43513
Default  Posted: 2:50 PM, July 15th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Selfish husband:

The depth of her hatred reveals the depth of her love.

She loved you and likely still loves you but she is in deep deep pain.

If she did not love you, she would have filed already and walked away with half, and moved on.

The affirmations of you not being able to break her, are likely keeping her sane. She needs to take her power back.

The fact that you cheated once, and then again with her friend is huge. It seems as if you were trying to break her. Even if you were simply being selfish and self indulgent. How is she to know for sure your real motivations?

The fact that she lets you hear her sing, shows that she wants you to know her pain. Not a bad thing, in my mind.

Yes, she is likely still leaving the door open to divorce. As she should. Wouldn't you. Two betrayals, and one a double betrayal.

Perhaps if you are patient and continue to show her you love her and have changed, and want to change, she will come around.

But it takes time.......... Don't rush her. How long do you think it would take you to heal if the shoe were on the other foot?

I see a lot of self pity in your posts but also a lot of insightfullness.

I think you have a chance at R but don't rush it.

IMO, The mistake that I see a lot of waywards make is that they expect their betrayed spouse to take this huge leap of faith to open their hearts and trust that their spouse will never cheat again.

But in turn they don't seem to want to open their hearts and take the huge leap of faith that their spouse will not divorce them.

They seem to want a guarantee that their spouse will not divorce them.


ďIf two people truly have feelings for one another then they donít have an affair. They get a divorce and they sort out their feelings. You are accountable for the people you hold hostage in a marriage when your mind and heart refuse to fully commit

Posts: 1516 | Registered: May 2014
PenitentMan
♂ Member
Member # 43174
Default  Posted: 4:42 PM, July 15th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Third, and this is more of a question, and I hope you don't find it offensive - in your next post you discuss the fact that if you and your wife have to go through this again, she'll be gone. One area that comes up quite a bit in JFO and reconciliation is consequences. It seems, and I may be missing something here as well, but that this time, you realize that there won't be a next time, and you've decided what is important to you. In other words, more bad behavior will result in consequences you absolutely do not want. Is this a fair statement? I ask because often a BS is afraid to use boundaries and enforce them with consequences. Others (myself included) are of the opinion that if you don't give a person a reason to change behaviors then usually they won't change - particularly if there is something they gain from the behavior. I"m curious, and I'm hoping you'd be willing to give your opinion on this.

This is an interesting question. I think sometimes the only way to snap the person out of their fog is to present them with the realization that they're going to lose the person. My wife said to me "I'm done. I can't go through this again". And she meant it.

I didn't think there was going to be a next time after the first time. But I also didn't remain mindful. A month later, we moved on, and were getting drunk and doing naughty things with this couple -- all four of us. I crossed the line when it became two of us, but that was an easy line to cross when the time came. We should have worked on us and never should have gotten involved with this couple.

The horror that there was something seriously wrong didn't really set in until this second time.
I don't think it was the threat of divorce that made me wake up but the realization that oh my god this is happening again and this shit is real.

I can't help but wonder if we'd have been better off now, had she left the first time. We wouldn't have been with this other couple, and maybe I would've seen the light then, and worked my ass off to reconcile, and the focus would've been on us all along.

But... I'm glad she's still here. For however long.

I think it depends on the couple. They know their spouse better than anyone. If the BS feels there's no getting through to their WS without a serious consequence, then that needs to happen. If the BS wants to leave it alone, then that doesn't make them weak. And if their worst fears are realized after that, as I've also seen in general and JFO, then it does not mean the BS made the wrong choice by inaction. It takes a sort of strength and courage, I think, to stand by your spouse and want to see the best in them and help them. My BW could've left this time. I don't know if I wouldn't have left, if she had done this to me. I just don't know. I can't play what if, and I can't even imagine. All I know is in this particular case, fortunately for me, she's had the amazing strength to stick around and not rush to any conclusions. And she even said recently "Well, if this is going to work, then I need to make some effort too and put in my 50%".
Every situation is different. Once a cheater, not necessarily always a cheater.

We didn't have the right tools the first time. No forums, no MC, no IC, no books. Who did we unload on? That's right, couple #2. BW had just found out and didn't want to cancel the date night we had set up. I remember going to the supermarket to pick up steak and shrimp and venting to AP's H, leaving AP and BW to do the same. I was forgiven, and they became our good friends, or so we all thought. I remember even having serious talks with them about how we'd hopefully all be friends 10 years from now and how awesome our friendship was and how none of us could see any way we wouldn't at least all remain friends.


Me: FWH (39)
Her: BW (34)
DDay 1: March 2013 (EA/PA that *I* rugswept)
DDay 2: April 2014 (PA with double betrayal. OW was wife's friend)
Married: 13 Years
1 Handsome and Amazing Son (10)

Posts: 476 | Registered: Apr 2014
Topic Posts: 23
Pages: 1 · 2

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