Some background - 2 years ago was Dday 2 and I was devastated. I knew immediately it would be divorce. Friends were there for me, supporting me and trying to help me trust that D wouldn't be the end of my family. My parents responded differently when they found out. While my mother tacitly supported a plan to D initially, they both ended up basically very much against it. In the end I decided to R.
Skip ahead 2 years and here I am again. Feels like such an I told you so, moment for me. I remember people warning me it would happen again. I hoped against hope it wouldn't. My friends were again supportive when the first found out - and very angry at WH. But it's generally pretty quiet. Feels a bit like compassion fatigue and I wouldn't be surprised.
WH told his family (we are actually taking a 2 week road trip out East to have a vacation and visit them, on Friday). His parents were devastated and his father tore a royal strip off him.
My mother knows and is downplaying it, hoping I guess that it will be rug swepped and everyone can get on pretending. His parents reached out to me and sent their love and support (I have a good relationship with them, but they are far away). His mother now is sending him supportive messages, checking to see how he is. She sent one to me, but less so. The worst is that she contacted my mother who expressed to me her dismay at WH telling everyone, and seemed like she felt it was overkill. I heard that she replied to WH's mother, singing his praises as a father. It was WH's birthday last week and my mother got him a gift, asked what I got him, etc.
What upset me so much was the way it just seems so easy to disregard the impact on me. Why isn't my mother able to imagine how it must feel for me to have had 3 Ddays (3 PA's now known, plus online indiscretions). How can she imagine I will be able to have a loving relationship with WH? Why don't I get thought of here?
In my life I have been the good one, a pleaser, diplomat, afraid to stir things up. How is it that the one who so brutally betrayed my trust is receiving the support? (as an aside WH is doing everything he can to show me things will be different, he said I need to speak to my mom, and he keeps responding to his own mother by saying it's me who needs support now.). Is my biggest cheerleader and support in this mess, my very own WH?
What a mindfck! It has reduced me to tears more than any other part of this so far. I feel so very alone in this right now.
Is it possible that other's reactions are because it doesn't seem "that bad" since it was "only" talking, texting instead of physical contactlike in the past? I am in no way diminishing what he did but unless you have lived with it, you ddon't know how it feels. Especially if his mother and yours are used to making excuses for him. Just a thought.
Please hang in there and don't sell yourself short. I did for 6 months of the A going underground. I know what that feels like. A living hell. Stand up for yourself and demand the respect you deserve. I am angry on your behalf!
I'm going to play devil's advocate WRT your mother.
I don't think she is unsympathetic to what has happened, I don't think she doesn't care. She is aware of the fact that last time you didn't D, you tried R, so she's accounting for the fact that she might have to have a continuing MIL/SIL relationship with WH.
Whatever the outcome of your M to WH, he is the father of your children. Is it such a terrible thing that your family are able to treat him with civility and kindness? It would be pretty awful for your kids if they have to worry about family members arguing and ruining special moments in their lives.
I'm a BC (betrayed child) I cannot tell you how stressful planning my wedding was because of infidelity in my parent's marriage. Or even scheduling family visits to see my newborn children just so certain family members avoided each other.
I would however discuss with her why it's important that people know about the new Dday. Other people do have a hard time getting it but try to talk to her about it. You need her support right now.
[This message edited by BrokenButTrying at 1:47 AM, July 15th (Tuesday)]
My Ddays - 01/2010 & 12/04/14
His Dday - 23/12/13
Chin up. Unwavering. Fight. I can do this.
My parents and his both minimized the affsirs and told me to just move on. Well...did that for 12 years. But not anymore. I found SI snd it gave me the strength and knowledge to realize how f'd up our families were.
Before Szi, i believed it when everyone blamed me for the xSO affairs. I believed that if i were just better,that he wouldn't have been forced to cheat. They made it seem like i held a gun to his head and forced him to have sex with other women! And i believed it
Long story short...now 3 years out from telling everyone and i rarely talk to anyone in my family and never his. And life is much less stressful. It wasnt until IC etc fromaffairs that i realized just how toxic my family is and any prolonged contact basically destroys me. The families are now nonfactor in my life and i am healthier for it.
I wish i were sorry or felt bad about being estranged from family, but i dont. I have developed friends and their families whose love and support i can count on.
Since WH and I have been in IC (a few weeks now) it has really been eye opening for both of us. I am not sure if you and your WH have started any type of therapy, but I now see how FOO issues and WH's depression have played a big part in our M as well as the fact that we got M so young. We have had problems for years prior to the A's starting.
Right now we are attempting R, but are taking this very slowly. Friends and family are standing behind whatever we choose, but want us to be happy and healthy. Rebuilding our family, trust, and our M are important, but I know WH needs to rebuild himself and his self esteem. I will be there for him and he seems committed to be there for me as I work on my issues.
No one on this planet is perfect, but we have to make that personal decision on what is best for us. Please don't let the reactions of his parents be the catalyst for D. If you want D then by all means work towards that end, but if you need time to examine your wants and needs do that. His parents are basing their reactions on their own life experiences and may have been raised to view infidelity in a different way. We all have FOO issues.
I know FOO issues are behind WH's behaviour. But he knows that too and learned all about that in IC 2 years ago. Had a big personal awakening about his narcissistic injury and all the ways he grew to seek validation, attention, etc. Made some changes to his life, but as I saw him gradually engaging in the same old attention seeking behaviour (e.g. posts on FB), he would not listen to my concerns and defended himself, minimized, and told me how he was always working on himself - and often told me that I need to look at myself, blah blah...I digress...
I know that the most important thing is for me to focus on what I need in the long run, and how I can make all this work - kids, work, $, and our co-parenting relationship. It is exhausting to think about. I am also currently sole breadwinner and mom to 3. WH is a good father and home for the summer with kids, but won't earn much come September. In the last R attempt I really struggled to not get angry and hopeless when we fought, often thought, 'what i have to live with the reality of 2+ affairs, plus deal with his ridiculous defensiveness, reactivity and blaming? I know I can't do that again. Though...WH vows constantly that now everything is different, I will be emotionally safe from his outbursts, he now knows he was projecting his unmet FOO needs on me, his own dissatisfaction with himself on me...He wants to commit the rest of his life to being the best father to the boys and partner/friend/whatever to me. Is that possible when I can't love him back? At least not for many many many years?
One thing that makes this so very difficult is that we are all co-existing in the same house and he IS being all of these things. Makes it hard to hang on to my reality which is that he betrayed me yet again, lied to me yet again. It is hard to access anger and hurt, which makes it hard to see all this clearly.
Summerluv - You sound like such a forgiving person. I have sat by WH as he cried over his FOO issues - even though it was discovered after his betrayal to me. I know that in my situation, support and empathy for WH just enables him to somehow justify his bad behaviour.