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User Topic: Can't get over bfs being wayward, now I'm wayward too
♀ Member
Member # 18682
Default  Posted: 10:54 PM, July 14th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've been on this forum a bunch of times just always in the betrayed section.
My boyfriend and I have had quite the turbulent relationship. He cheated on me end of November ( )
and I truly can not get over it. He has done everything he said he would do since then, he's got a new job like he promised, he relocated to Boston so we can start a new life like he promised, he doesn't talk to the OW at all. I thought we were finally on the right track, and I was so in love with him before I found out about OW and my world has come crashing down since.
So why can I not stop thinking about it?
I never was a cheater in my life. I went through a whole 10 year marriage from age 21 to 31 without even THINKING of cheating or RA on my exWS.
Recently I went on a work trip to Europe. I work with male fashion models.
We had a dinner for the models, about 90% I already knew, but there was this one guy I didn't know there..instantly we had a connection, but I ignored it. At the end of my dinner, we casually talked, he asked what hotel we were staying at, and I gave him my card.
He asked us all if we wanted to go out in the city, as he was meeting friends, and I declined as this seemed like it could be a bad idea.
I go home, and he's texting asking me to come out. I say no and that I'll probably see him in a social setting again before I leave Milan. He is texting me telling me he felt a connection and wants to see me. I ignore.
I go to sleep and wake to about an hour later, him at my door. He just shows up...this gorgeous guy at my door.
He comes in and we talk until the sun comes up. We feel like we've known each other forever...we have amazing sex and this continues in secret from everyone else until I leave Italy.
Fast forward now 25 days later, we still talk every day. He says he loves me and is coming to New York (where I live) in September for a few months and we can spend our time together.
I had reconciled with my wayward bf. He is waiting for me to move to Boston to be with him!
He has done everything right since I found out about OW in March. Only I never got over it, and I find myself in this situation. I am not saying I am right, but
this is not me, this is out of character and I can't make sense of it. I want everything with my bf to be better again, but I just can't forget. I needed to have "an eye for an eye"
I have not told my boyfriend and I don't plan to.I also can't seem to stop talking to this Italian guy. Do I just crave attention from being hurt? Am I crazy? Am I just settling for my wayward bf? Will I ever get over it? I'm very, very confused. Does anyone have any insight to my situation?

[This message edited by eurotrash at 11:04 PM, July 14th (Monday)]

me: BW- (31);him- WH (35) married 10 yrs;2 kids (3) (9);
dday 03-31-08; tried R immed. (false) broke NC-05-13-08 by going out w/ OW in a group. Again on 11/12.
Found out about OW2 on 12/15 Seperated on 11/13, divorced.
Now I'm 37 in a new r

Posts: 174 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: New York
♀ Member
Member # 42111
Default  Posted: 1:27 AM, July 15th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi eurotrash,

I'm sorry you find yourself in this forum. Posting here for the first time takes a lot of courage so well done.

You are now a madhatter, when both spouse's have cheated in the same relationship. There is a thread in the ICR forum specifically for those with MH status.

I think the first thing to do is figure out if your boyfriend's A was a dealbreaker for you. It doesn't sound like you've healed yourself from the trauma of his infidelity, get into counselling and work on yourself. If you really can't accept it (I don't think anyone ever gets over it) and heal from it, then you need to tell him that you're done and end the relationship.

I am surprised at your decision not to confess. Being able to see the BS side of this means you should get why it's so important that your boyfriend knows.

Counselling will also help you figure out why you cheated. At the moment you're blameshififting onto your boyfriend. It's not his fault, just like it wasn't your fault that your boyfriend or your XWH cheated. That stuff works both ways!

There is no such thing as getting even. An eye for an eye and the whole world goes blind, right?
Infidelity is unfair. His cheating is unfair and so is yours, you haven't settled the score or made things even, you've made things a million times harder. But you already know this deep down.

As for the AP, do you know for certain that he is single? There might be a wife or a girlfriend, in which case you are the OW in their relationship. How do you feel about that?
You know that affairs are built on lies and none of the feelings are real. You state several times that you are not a cheater and this is out of character, do you really see a future with a guy who would actively help you to betray yourself in the worst possible way?

You have a very hard road ahead of you, painful self realisations, hard work and changes to make. But we are here for you, keep posting.

[This message edited by BrokenButTrying at 1:29 AM, July 15th (Tuesday)]

Me - 27
Him - 27

My Ddays - 01/2010 & 12/04/14
His Dday - 23/12/13

Chin up. Unwavering. Fight. I can do this.

Posts: 1258 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: UK
♀ Member
Member # 37091
Default  Posted: 6:10 AM, July 15th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You're BF cheating has nothing to do with you cheating. I just wanted to state that right away. If you cannot get over what be did that's fine, it can be a deal breaker but then you break up with him right? Instead you are watching him do everything you needed him to do and having sex and falling in lurve with this OM. What prevented you from making it clear to OM that you were off limits? When you told him no to going out did you even mention your BF? What made it okay in you to go have sex and share yourself emotionally with someone else and please don't say because he cheated first because that's an excuse. Someone else cheating does not all of a sudden make you capable of cheating that behavior is something you have within you and something you let yourself do. Now to figure out why. Why was it okay? Why was it a solution?

Next I agree being a BS how in the world do you feel it is a good idea go keep this from him? Youre not giving him the opportunity to make an informed decision about his life. As for OM you cannot let him go because he is being used to fill a void within yourself that you need to fill a void that you don't know how to fill and have ignored. It feels good when he "connects" with you and the sex is amazing because you don't allow yourself to think of the man you'll destroy when OM is sexing you. what kind of man is he really knowing he is having sex and falling in love with with a woman in a relationship? Is this what you truly want? Maybe its time to take a step back from everything I make a decision and either way confess to your BF....

Heartbroken madhatter trying to rebuild

No longer together

"To be loyal to myself is to allow myself to grow and change, and challenge who I am and what I think."

Posts: 2767 | Registered: Oct 2012
♂ Member
Member # 40484
Default  Posted: 6:37 AM, July 15th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi eurotrash, welcome.

but this is not me, this is out of character and I can't make sense of it.
Most of us think this at first. But with a lot of work you will realise, 'it is you', 'it is not out of character' and you will 'make sense of it'.
It takes a while. Keep posting for guidance.

Her:BS,50+ (WantToWakeUp)
Married 33yrs
Dday Dec 2009

"Do not say a little in many words but a great deal in a few." Pythagoras

There are two kinds of people in the world.
Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.

Posts: 390 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Limbo in Oz
♀ Member
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 8:20 AM, July 15th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As a BS, I just had a long response typed out. There's no point really. I just want to say this:

You blaming your wBF for your affair, and you asking this

Will I ever get over it?
while you are actively cheating, is beyond comprehension.

You are responsible for your actions. No eye for an eye. When your wBF discovers this, and remembers all the talks you had regarding his A that occurred after you found a boyfriend, how exactly are you going to feel? When BF #2 shows up in a couple of months, and BF #1 is showing up since you've left him hanging in Boston, what possible justification are you going to have?

Being a BS does NOT justify this behavior, at all. If anything, it makes it more difficult to understand.

BS to BS - stop blaming your wBF for your actions. You made this decision alone. He's not responsible for your choices.

[This message edited by painfulpast at 8:21 AM, July 15th (Tuesday)]

The stones from my enemies, these wounds will mend
but I cannot survive the roses from my friends

Posts: 1898 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
♀ Member
Member # 42651
Default  Posted: 9:51 AM, July 15th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Finding that *connection* with AP, *feels like we've known each other forever* really sounds like text book A talk. It's convienent that your H had an A too so you can use that as a probable reason you did, but it doesn't sound like revenge A rationale to me. Sounds like this A is filling your bucket which is low on water for reasons that you need to take time to figure out.

this is not me, this is out of character and I can't make sense of it

I think all of us think that. But the more you continue this behavior the more your actions show it is really you. Do yourself a favor and stop now, quickly. This A is changing you and your character every day. Trust me that it will not get easier to stop. Go back to your marriage and figure out if that's where you want to be or not. Having both relationships is not sustainable. It will end eventually, and likely in disaster if you don't take action soon.

Posts: 229 | Registered: Mar 2014
Topic Posts: 6

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