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New Beginnings Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: If you have different dating styles....
thyme2go
♂ Member
Member # 12908
Default  Posted: 2:38 PM, July 16th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Reminder - as I have said many times, when a guy is truly interested in you you will not be left waiting and wondering. And he most certainly will not be multi-dating.

-t2g


BH - no longer 48
3 DD's - (27, 24 and 17)
Divorced on 8/6/09

Posts: 9188 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: Eastern Washington
cmego
♀ Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 2:51 PM, July 16th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hear you, thyme2go.

BUT, the men that act "that way" are the ones that leave. I have been left without a doubt that the last few guys were totally into me. By 3-4 months, all have gone. My ex was the exact same way. I knew he was all in, we were engaged at 5 months.

I knew this guy was interested. I was surprised when he tried to explain that he..I don't know what he was trying to say. I think that was the problem. We weren't hearing each other.

RSN is saying he basically functions identical to this guy.


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced

"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings


Posts: 4185 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
thyme2go
♂ Member
Member # 12908
Default  Posted: 3:18 PM, July 16th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I do not multi-date and I try to be very clear about my intentions. Nor do I leave after 3-4 months.

I would surmise that the guy you are seeing is playing the field in pursuit of scoring as much as possible. He is being vague for a reason - to keep you off balance and confused. I know too many guys that are just like that - including my own brother.

This guy clearly (to me) is not a good candidate for a LTR. IMHO dating the "right person" is much easier than what you are experiencing.


BH - no longer 48
3 DD's - (27, 24 and 17)
Divorced on 8/6/09

Posts: 9188 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: Eastern Washington
cayc
♀ Member
Member # 21964
Default  Posted: 3:18 PM, July 16th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If someone emails me on OLD, I tell them I'm dating someone...

I have learned that on the OLD service I'm currently using, *most* men (except for the wacko nudity lovers) will like my profile or my photo, but won't actually reach out. Idk why ... but when someone does I often contact them. Recently I sent an email who had like my photo months ago when I first put up my profile (then took down when I realized it was too soon). He responded with the above, he thought my profile was awesome but he was dating someone and wanted to see where it went.

When I told people about this, some advised that I tell him he needs to take his profile down, that it's unfair to his girlfriend, but I took it like RSN has described, he wants to see what happens with the girl he's dating, so he's taking it day by day because he hasn't committed to her yet. My response to him was a nicely put thanks and good luck b/c my reaction to him telling me was merely my own disappointment (the eye roll and frustration of why bother respond ya big dork! lol), I didn't think there was anything wrong in what he was doing per se.

From the way you describe these scenarios, I still feel like you are negotiating from a position of fear. You're worried about being conned (understandably, we all are) so it's hard to navigate the early period of maybe-land. It always tugs at us and can make us draw lines in the sand when we don't really have to do that.

You're responsible for enforcing your own boundaries, and equally for pulling back when you realize that you didn't honor them, as opposed to pushing a guy to meet that boundary now that you've stepped past it. It would have been just as easy to say "whoops, kissing you is awesome, but since we're not exclusive yet, I need to pull back". Then he can make a move toward you or not, but that way you are talking about YOU and YOUR actions, not his (thereby giving him negotiating room and not acting in a accidentally ultimatum-ish giving sort of way) and addressing your discomfort by putting yourself back into your own comfort zone.

It'll be interesting to see how your date with him goes. I'll keep my fingers crossed for you that you get the resolution you need.


"The difference between involvement and commitment is like ham and eggs. The chicken is involved, the pig is committed." -Martina Navratilova
"The question isn't who is going to let me; it's who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

Posts: 3120 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Mexico
cmego
♀ Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 3:50 PM, July 16th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

t2g, my BFF's H thinks he is just out to score too.

I didn't really get that feeling, I actually think he is more on the "awkward but covering it with bravado" side. One thing I know for sure is there will be no sex for quite some time if we managed to survive this bump.

cayc...I may be still reacting from fear, or confusion. I still feel defensive and "on guard" and I'm trying to work it out before I see him tomorrow.

The other thing I have done, and I know it is self-protection, is I've put myself back at zero. I expect nothing, so anything "above and beyond" will be a pleasant surprise. If I get nothing, then I won't be hurt because that is the expectation. He asked to go somewhere nice, and I shot that down immediately. I don't want to be "woo'd" by a nice restaurant. Let's go get coffee and muffins, dude.

But, I think this is perfect. Perfect.

whoops, kissing you is awesome, but since we're not exclusive yet, I need to pull back". Then he can make a move toward you or not, but that way you are talking about YOU and YOUR actions, not his (thereby giving him negotiating room and not acting in a accidentally ultimatum-ish giving sort of way) and addressing your discomfort by putting yourself back into your own comfort zone.

That was what I was trying to say, and just didn't know how to say it. "oopsie! Awesome make out session, but I gotta back this kissing truck up! beep. beep. beep. beep."


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced

"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings


Posts: 4185 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
thyme2go
♂ Member
Member # 12908
Default  Posted: 4:02 PM, July 16th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Keep your approach as light and breezy and you will be fine.

-t2g


BH - no longer 48
3 DD's - (27, 24 and 17)
Divorced on 8/6/09

Posts: 9188 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: Eastern Washington
Lostly
Member
Member # 43953
Default  Posted: 10:12 PM, July 16th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dating can be very frustrating, especially in the beginning. I wouldn't give up just yet. It sounds like you have a lot in common. I would wait and see what he says tomorrow.

Its a good sign that he would like to take you to a nice place. I doubt he would offer to do that if he was going to end it, or tell you something that would have you potentially end it. I also think its good that he wants to see you and not discuss it over the phone. If he wasn't that interested in you he would tell you over the phone and be done with it, he certainly wouldn't want to take you out.

Please keep us updated, and good luck tomorrow!

[This message edited by Lostly at 10:17 PM, July 16th (Wednesday)]


BW 48 - Multiple d-days
Divorced 2012 after 19 yrs
6 smart, beautiful, amazing kids Dd 19; Ds 17; Dd 15; Ds 13; Ds 11; Dd 10

Sometimes I hear my voice, and it's been here, silent all these years. I've been here, silent all these years.


Posts: 106 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: Australia
cmego
♀ Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 12:19 PM, July 17th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

****update*****

I'd say, overall it went very well.

I kinda said, "So...did we ruin this??" He said, "No, I don't think so..."

I owned my shit and apologized. He owned his shit and said he is very guilty of "rushing things" and has to work at going slow. Then he admitted to his FOO of "shutting down" (which looked like a poof to me). I simply said, "If you need space, just tell me, I'm happy to give it to you." He said "OK".

Then we talked about a ton of benign stuff. Just light and getting to know each other more. We did discuss about going out again, I told him I liked him, he said he that I was pretty awesome and we ended with a hug and a kiss on the cheek.

We shall see.

Thanks everyone for helping me to see that I gave him a quasi-ultimatum. I'm very pleased that he owned his shit too.


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced

"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings


Posts: 4185 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
Lonelygirl10
♀ Member
Member # 39850
Default  Posted: 2:57 PM, July 17th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Soooo... what did you decide about multi-dating? Is he multi-dating?


30 Bgf
Dday: April 2013
Relationship ended: January 2014

Posts: 1205 | Registered: Jul 2013
cmego
♀ Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 3:56 PM, July 17th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Soooo... what did you decide about multi-dating? Is he multi-dating?

I didn't ask....at this point I don't feel like it is any of my business. I don't even know for sure he is going to ask me out again.

I am talking to one other guy on OLD, and if he asks me out, I'm going to go.


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced

"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings


Posts: 4185 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
Lostly
Member
Member # 43953
Default  Posted: 10:20 PM, July 17th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am glad it went well. Either way you can be proud that you followed through and stood your ground. That takes guts!! Besides, this next guy may end up being better than the last!

Are you doing ok? Stuff like this can be tough....


BW 48 - Multiple d-days
Divorced 2012 after 19 yrs
6 smart, beautiful, amazing kids Dd 19; Ds 17; Dd 15; Ds 13; Ds 11; Dd 10

Sometimes I hear my voice, and it's been here, silent all these years. I've been here, silent all these years.


Posts: 106 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: Australia
Red Sox Nation
♂ Member
Member # 26358
Default  Posted: 11:18 PM, July 17th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It reads that if someone better comes along on OLD...you (or he) is going to go check her out. Which, I am sure he has several more "starters" going by now.

Oh, not at all. Quite the opposite. Anyway, it sounds like you've moved on. Hopefully, you'll break it to him gently if he calls again.


When someone tells you who she is, listen; when someone shows you who she is, listen carefully.

Posts: 1895 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: Midwest
cmego
♀ Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 7:54 AM, July 18th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

RSN, I haven't moved on at all.

I told him how much I liked him, and I took his hands in mine at the end of the "date".

I'm just kinda giving him some space to think. I think he is more of a thinker than I realized.

Plus, he looked...guarded...on the date. He didn't relax and lean toward me until the end.

He did text me a photo of his tattoo last night, to which I commented, "Oh...you don't play fair..." because he knows I find them very attractive.

I honestly don't think he has met anyone like me. I like him...very much...but I have doubts that he is healed enough to be in a "healthy relationship". He even mentioned yesterday that his IC told him that he married his disfunction. So, his picker needs work.

Maybe I should be clear with him and tell him that I do like him and I would love to go out with him again, but for now, I'm giving him space to think.

[This message edited by cmego at 7:55 AM, July 18th (Friday)]


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced

"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings


Posts: 4185 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
Red Sox Nation
♂ Member
Member # 26358
Default  Posted: 12:16 PM, July 18th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm a little confused, not that there's anything much to be confused about.

I am talking to one other guy on OLD, and if he asks me out, I'm going to go.

When I met my wife, I had been talking to one other person from OLD by phone. It was a slow-moving contact. Both of us were people who liked to know more before meeting.

So I went out with my wife - we ended up having two dates in two days, though both dates were entirely in public so there was nothing intimate. I knew after those dates that I wanted to see where it went.

I then emailed the other contact, said while ordinarily I would want to meet for a casual dinner or something at this point, that I had met someone else and was going to take my profile off-line. She wished me luck, I wished her luck, and I hid my account on OKC.

I did so without telling my wife. Didn't want to put pressure on her in case she was still undecided about liking me (in fact, I think she was until a couple of dates later).

It's nice that my last first date is also my wife.

If you like this guy, and since you've said multi-dating doesn't work for you, why would you be open to going out with someone new? There's absolutely nothing wrong with that, but I'm just curious about the mindset. That kind of thing would tear me apart inside. It's not for him. Obviously, it's none of his business whether you make new contacts at this point. It's about your own internal comfort level.

I honestly don't think he has met anyone like me. I like him...very much...but I have doubts that he is healed enough to be in a "healthy relationship". He even mentioned yesterday that his IC told him that he married his disfunction. So, his picker needs work.

Maybe I should be clear with him and tell him that I do like him and I would love to go out with him again, but for now, I'm giving him space to think.

My advice... though you may see advice from me and have an urge to do the exact opposite... let him come to his own conclusions.

Right now, everything you do in dating is for your comfort and your development. If someone doesn't fit, you just walk away.

You may well be on exactly the same page, but you have to learn each other's communication styles to discover that. When pressured, our instinct is to withdraw. I think (and I may be wrong) that your texts about commitment and if you tell him the above would feel like too much pressure for this stage of dating. You're presenting a desire to control too much - his reactions, his feelings, even his readiness to date.

He shared something very personal with you, and if you turn that around and tell him you're worried he's not ready to date, that will feel like a slap in the face.

Personally, from what you've written, I think you may well have met someone you will really click with. Let him figure that out for himself.


When someone tells you who she is, listen; when someone shows you who she is, listen carefully.

Posts: 1895 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: Midwest
cmego
♀ Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 12:44 PM, July 18th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, RSN, all I feel like I've done is made it clear that I'm interested. Nothing more or less. It's up to him if he chooses to ask me out, and my bets are on he won't. He has made no indication that I"m...anything to him. I can't guess what I mean to him. I can only go on the facts given.

I haven't said anything to him about what I see going on...that is for him to figure out. I never said (to him) I felt he wasn't ready to date, all I did was say IF he wanted to, I am open to it. I haven't told him I'm chatting with someone else...at this point, it is none of his business.

But, in the meantime I am giving him space and going on with my life. Hence, accepting a date (he hasn't asked me yet, still emailing) from a new person.

In my experience, people with this many FOO/ post-D issues don't pull through and like someone like me. I'm too..."pulled together". In a good way for me, this means I can accomplish a lot in my life. I get a lot, "I don't know how you do it all..." I just do. I'm supposed to be pulled together, a grad student, great mom, great and supportive friend and daughter, and in charge of everything in my life EXCEPT dating.

I only know how to be me. I can't help that I am a planner, I need to be for my life. I have to plan studying and child care and dates and errands and doc appots for all 3 of us, and summer school for one child and summer camps for the other, and volunteer work and time with friends and babysitting coverage if I want to do ANYTHING. So, yeah...most guys don't get that I have to PLAN in order to do anything.

I do hear you, and I had already figured that out. I let him know I"m interested and I walked away. The rest is kinda up to him.

*edited for clarity.

[This message edited by cmego at 12:58 PM, July 18th (Friday)]


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced

"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings


Posts: 4185 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
cmego
♀ Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 4:48 PM, July 18th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

****and second update****

OK. He texted to ask me out for this weekend. We couldn't mesh schedules. Then he asked if I wanted me to go sailing with him and a guy friend and another couple for tomorrow (all day) and I declined since he mentioned wanting to catch up with the friend (and I don't have dog care). I replied, "Very cool and very sweet. Thank you for asking. Go have fun with your friends."

Since we can't get our schedules to mesh, he said, "What say we make plans for a sail well enough in advance to line up child and pet care and its not a mad scramble?"

I'm throughly confused. I cannot read Mars. Venus is having problems with Mars right now.


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced

"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings


Posts: 4185 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
caregiver9000
♀ Member
Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 4:57 PM, July 18th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He invited you. He wants you there. Can you lock the dog in the kitchen and resign yourself to a mop when you get home if necessary?

I think he sees you fitting into his life/hobbies and he has expressed that. He is trying to figure you out and how much planning/notice you need to accompany him on a longer day/date.

I don't think there are mixed messages here!


Me: 44, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 13 DS 10
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 5859 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
Red Sox Nation
♂ Member
Member # 26358
Default  Posted: 5:29 PM, July 18th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Maybe if he stood on his head and unfurled a banner that said "I like you," it might be a little more clear.

You're making this awfully tough on him. I'd almost say the ball is entirely in your court if you want to go out with him in the future.

[This message edited by Red Sox Nation at 5:29 PM, July 18th (Friday)]


When someone tells you who she is, listen; when someone shows you who she is, listen carefully.

Posts: 1895 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: Midwest
cmego
♀ Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 6:22 PM, July 18th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I said "YES!" at first, until he said that the friend that he had been wanting to catch up with was going to be there and they *might* do an overnight trip depending on weather. That felt a little awkward. Two men, one I don't know at all, one I barely know, on a boat for a possible overnight? ummm....

He apologized for the short notice (wanted me there at 9am) and if it were just he and I, then I think I would have gone. But, how do you explain to an old friend that this lady you just started dating is showing up? And maybe an overnight depending on weather and I have a dog at home with no care and a paper due (that I would have probably stayed up all night finishing...)? It was a lot.

I thanked him and said how sweet and cool it was to ask me.

Unfurled banner would be nice, RSN

Of course, now I"m wondering what to do with this other man that is going to ask me out any moment now.


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced

"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings


Posts: 4185 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
norabird
♀ Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 2:14 AM, July 19th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He sent a very clear signal of wanting to make something work with his invites--I hope you're able to.

I would hold off on the new prospect date for now, since you haven't wrapped this up and it definitely seems to be on from his end. Are you pulling back because you're afraid of his shutting down again? Sometimes it's a risk we have to run.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4196 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
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