The situation of your birth parents has nothing to do with you. You may have been created as an OC, and I can't imagine what that must feel like to find out. I am so sorry for that pain. But I do understand adoption. You were adopted by a family that loves you. You are who you are and who you are working to be. Please process this information, but don't let it redefine, or change, or set you back.
I am so sorry you found out something so painful.
I found out the whole story of my bio dad 2 years ago. I was always afraid to ask…I am an OC too.
My father was married when he and my mother were dating (my mom told me that we was separated at the time and she thought he was leaving his wife)…She told me that he forced her to have sex with him, and she got pregnant. How much of that is the truth vs what my mom told herself I don't know. My mother gave me my fathers last name- I grew up in a family of cousins, aunts, uncles, etc, and I was the only one with my last name. It was very confusing. My mother and sister (older 1/2 sister) shared the same last name. I always felt like an outsider.
Anyway, I found out after my A that info, I have an older brother, so my fathers wife was pregnant when he got my mom pregnant too.
I have not reached out to my father, and I think reaching out to my 1/2 brother would not be fair to him. I struggle with the idea of reaching out to my father still. Not sure if I am ready mentally - or if I even want to.
I am glad you found out your origin story. There is comfort knowing the truth, no matter how upsetting that truth is. There is power knowing the truth, even if it hurts.
Thank you for sharing.
Separated transitioning to D
I completely agree with Sadie, this is not your fault. The situation of your conception and birth is not a reflection on you as a person.
Are you in IC? I think it would be to process your thoughts and feelings about this with a counsellor.
My Ddays - Jan 2010 & 12/04/14
His Dday - 23/12/13
Chin up. Unwavering. Fight. I can do this.
I too am adopted and from my non-identifying info it looks like I am also the product of an A or possibly even a rape. I do know my bio-M did divorce after I was born (was in the process while pregnant). In my state adoption records are still sealed so I have had no luck finding any of my adoptive family.
I do know that one of my FOO issues is my adoption (not really how I was conceived) but the feeling that I did not belong. Granted I never had an A, but I do have lots of issues that caused problems in my M. This is the next topic my IC is going to start working on.
Lost~ I hope you are in IC as it is helping me greatly sort through all of my FOO issues. I am the only adopted person I know personally so it is nice to know there are others out there that have issues from adoption as well. Whether you are a WS or a BS (or neither) adoption does affect the person we have become. As sad it is to say, this experience (WH's A's) has given me a giant wake up call that I need to find out who I am and how I fit in this world. Good luck to you!
I have decided not to pursue it any further. She is 72 years old and after all these years I can't imagine coming into her life and bringing so much pain and devastation on her.
I can only imagine the impact of the information you have uncovered. I'm very glad to read that you are in counseling. This is a big deal, Lost, and it will take time and work to process it. I understand that your main focus is on reconciliation, but your self care is a huge part of that, too. ((((Lost74))))
"If you carry joy in your heart, you can heal any moment."
- Carlos Santana
I am not in a place where I am prepared to have contact with OW - she knew my WH was married, she pursued him, and so I am comfortable to allow her to bear the consequences of her choices in this. But if the OC ever wants to have a relationship with my WH later in life, I would not oppose that at all.
You might be surprised to know that there is a tremendous amount of guilt as the BS in these scenarios... I am the reason that child won't grow up with his father. I did not choose this, but I feel broken hearted for that child and I pray for him. I don't know about your circumstance, but don't assume you wouldn't be welcomed with open arms. ((Lost))
Edited: I'm sorry, I just read your other comment about your bio father and his wife. I am sorry, but I will say again that it is not your fault and I am sorry that he is unwilling to meet you. That does make me very sad.
[This message edited by plainpain at 9:15 PM, July 15th (Tuesday)]
I hope you find peace with it. I believe there is impactful trauma in being an adoptee who began life with a stressed bio mother. But hopefully we integrate it into the fabric.
Sending you support.
I am a BW and I am an OC. I have never met my father and there are siblings I have never met.
I have carried the shame of this my whole life and I guess to some extent it has overshadowed all my relationships.
I'm happy to chat via PM further with you about it if you like.
The situation of your birth parents has nothing to do with you
you are NOT just a "complicated rat, running a complicated maze" to also quote a famous behaviorist (skinner)
Do not limit your reality to your DNA
WH is katumus and I am not reading his posts but we talk a lot and working on listening better!
married 17 years
Hope you don't mind me chiming in. I found out when my son was almost seven years old that he is an OC. I never lost any love for him when I found out that he is biologically OM's son. I still consider myself 100% his dad.
The people who raised you are your parents. I can understand you wanting to go back and find out about your biological ancestry, and find out more about these people. I think that is a natural curiosity.
Just know that you are loved by your true parents - the ones that raised you. You are their daughter because they chose you.
Hope that helps in some way.