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Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Just found out I'm an OC
Lost74
♀ New Member
Member # 43422
Default  Posted: 9:42 AM, July 15th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was adopted at birth and I have always known that I was adopted. My BH and I have been searching for my birth family for several years. We just wanted to get important medical information and just out of curiosity. Long story short, a few weeks ago the private investigator we hired located my biological mother's family. They have been great! Very welcoming and excited to find me after 40 years. Unfortunately, my biological mother passed away four years ago so I will never have the chance to meet her. However, my mother was a divorced woman who had an affair with a married man I learned. I asked My biological mother's sister why she didn't abort me instead. She told me that my biological mother believed that the MM was going to leave his wife and his family for her. She was already six months along with me when she realized he wasn't going to do this. The MM, my biological father, is still married to his same wife of 45 years and they have three kids. One of their kids is only three months younger than me Which means he had his wife and the OW, my biological mother, pregnant at the same time. I just found this out and my emotions all over the place I don't even know what to think or what to do. My BH and I are working towards R and it is a struggle. To say that this new information has triggered my BH and myself is an understatement! My adoptive parents never knew why I was given up for adoption so my whole family is just trying to digest this information. I don't even know how to cope with being OC and a WW. I don't expect anyone to have any answers I just wanted to share my story.


Me: WW, 39
Him: BH, 40
DDay: 12-29-13
Ds: 7&9, dd: 12
Married 15 years, together 20

Posts: 17 | Registered: May 2014
SadieMae
♀ Member
Member # 42986
Default  Posted: 9:53 AM, July 15th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There isn't a stop sign, so I hope it's ok that I am posting.

The situation of your birth parents has nothing to do with you. You may have been created as an OC, and I can't imagine what that must feel like to find out. I am so sorry for that pain. But I do understand adoption. You were adopted by a family that loves you. You are who you are and who you are working to be. Please process this information, but don't let it redefine, or change, or set you back.

I am so sorry you found out something so painful.


Me: BW 40
Him: SAWH 40
Together half our lives.

Posts: 89 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: North Carolina
badchoice
♂ Member
Member # 35566
Default  Posted: 9:55 AM, July 15th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You are not alone.

I found out the whole story of my bio dad 2 years ago. I was always afraid to ask…I am an OC too.

My father was married when he and my mother were dating (my mom told me that we was separated at the time and she thought he was leaving his wife)…She told me that he forced her to have sex with him, and she got pregnant. How much of that is the truth vs what my mom told herself I don't know. My mother gave me my fathers last name- I grew up in a family of cousins, aunts, uncles, etc, and I was the only one with my last name. It was very confusing. My mother and sister (older 1/2 sister) shared the same last name. I always felt like an outsider.

Anyway, I found out after my A that info, I have an older brother, so my fathers wife was pregnant when he got my mom pregnant too.

I have not reached out to my father, and I think reaching out to my 1/2 brother would not be fair to him. I struggle with the idea of reaching out to my father still. Not sure if I am ready mentally - or if I even want to.

I am glad you found out your origin story. There is comfort knowing the truth, no matter how upsetting that truth is. There is power knowing the truth, even if it hurts.

Thank you for sharing.


Me: fWH/BH 46

Separated transitioning to D


Posts: 730 | Registered: May 2012 | From: L.A.
BrokenButTrying
♀ Member
Member # 42111
Default  Posted: 10:03 AM, July 15th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

LostTime, this must be an extremely upsetting time for you and your family. I'm so sorry the discovery of your birth family was not a happier occasion.

I completely agree with Sadie, this is not your fault. The situation of your conception and birth is not a reflection on you as a person.

Are you in IC? I think it would be to process your thoughts and feelings about this with a counsellor.


Me - 27
Him - 27
Madhatters

My Ddays - 01/2010 & 12/04/14
His Dday - 23/12/13

Chin up. Unwavering. Fight. I can do this.


Posts: 1253 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: UK
Summerluv123
♀ Member
Member # 43876
Default  Posted: 10:06 AM, July 15th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Another BS here (did not see a stop sign).

I too am adopted and from my non-identifying info it looks like I am also the product of an A or possibly even a rape. I do know my bio-M did divorce after I was born (was in the process while pregnant). In my state adoption records are still sealed so I have had no luck finding any of my adoptive family.

I do know that one of my FOO issues is my adoption (not really how I was conceived) but the feeling that I did not belong. Granted I never had an A, but I do have lots of issues that caused problems in my M. This is the next topic my IC is going to start working on.

Lost~ I hope you are in IC as it is helping me greatly sort through all of my FOO issues. I am the only adopted person I know personally so it is nice to know there are others out there that have issues from adoption as well. Whether you are a WS or a BS (or neither) adoption does affect the person we have become. As sad it is to say, this experience (WH's A's) has given me a giant wake up call that I need to find out who I am and how I fit in this world. Good luck to you!


BW - 46 (me)
WH - 47
M - 29 yrs
Together - 30 yrs
2 kids - over 18
3 A's - 2000, 2012 and 6/14
In R (lots of therapy!!)

Posts: 85 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Southern US
Lost74
♀ New Member
Member # 43422
Default  Posted: 10:31 AM, July 15th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you all so much for the support! I am in IC and actually have an appointment today. My main focus is on reconciliation with my BH. We are almost 7 months out from dday so it is still very new. I'm so grateful and blessed that he wants to work it out with me and has not left. My Bh actually contacted my biological father and he admitted to knowing about it and basically said he wants nothing to do with me and that we should never contact him or his children or wife. His wife knew of the affair and the pregnancy, but he told her that I was aborted. So she believes that there is no OC. I have decided not to pursue it any further. She is 72 years old and after all these years I can't imagine coming into her life and bringing so much pain and devastation on her. I guess this is the right thing?


Me: WW, 39
Him: BH, 40
DDay: 12-29-13
Ds: 7&9, dd: 12
Married 15 years, together 20

Posts: 17 | Registered: May 2014
nowiknow23
♀ Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 10:44 AM, July 15th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have decided not to pursue it any further. She is 72 years old and after all these years I can't imagine coming into her life and bringing so much pain and devastation on her.
Your decision to let it go is a very personal one. There's no right or wrong answer, as long as you are at peace with it.

I can only imagine the impact of the information you have uncovered. I'm very glad to read that you are in counseling. This is a big deal, Lost, and it will take time and work to process it. I understand that your main focus is on reconciliation, but your self care is a huge part of that, too. ((((Lost74))))


You can call me NIK

"If you carry joy in your heart, you can heal any moment."
- Carlos Santana


Posts: 25774 | Registered: Aug 2011
Lost74
♀ New Member
Member # 43422
Default  Posted: 11:50 AM, July 15th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you NIK.... I'm thinking about everything. My mind is all over the place.


Me: WW, 39
Him: BH, 40
DDay: 12-29-13
Ds: 7&9, dd: 12
Married 15 years, together 20

Posts: 17 | Registered: May 2014
plainpain
♀ Member
Member # 40139
Default  Posted: 9:13 PM, July 15th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am a BW, and my WH has an OC. At present we have NC with the child or OW. I am not sure if that is our choice, but it is hers - at least for now. I am sorry for your pain, and I just want to say that I in no way hold anything at all against the OC. My WH asked her not to have an abortion, and I am glad she didn't. Your life is precious, and however you cane into this world most certainly you are loved and wanted and there is purpose for your life.

I am not in a place where I am prepared to have contact with OW - she knew my WH was married, she pursued him, and so I am comfortable to allow her to bear the consequences of her choices in this. But if the OC ever wants to have a relationship with my WH later in life, I would not oppose that at all.

You might be surprised to know that there is a tremendous amount of guilt as the BS in these scenarios... I am the reason that child won't grow up with his father. I did not choose this, but I feel broken hearted for that child and I pray for him. I don't know about your circumstance, but don't assume you wouldn't be welcomed with open arms. ((Lost))

Edited: I'm sorry, I just read your other comment about your bio father and his wife. I am sorry, but I will say again that it is not your fault and I am sorry that he is unwilling to meet you. That does make me very sad.

[This message edited by plainpain at 9:15 PM, July 15th (Tuesday)]


Me: Believer; 40s
Him: Liar; 40s
Married 19 years
1 year EA/2 month PA/incidental infidelities I can't begin to process
OC born 2014
OW:21
In successful R, but still in just plain pain.

Posts: 807 | Registered: Jul 2013
Twentyplus
♀ Member
Member # 39593
Default  Posted: 9:57 PM, July 15th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am a (big time LTA) BW who is also an OC. I found out about my birth history in 2000, a decade before first DDay, right in the middle of the WH 20 yr A. My emotions on that aspect of my life story are not yet completely resolved. Working it some in IC. Was not able to make connection with bio mom due to Alzheimers & she is now deceased.

I hope you find peace with it. I believe there is impactful trauma in being an adoptee who began life with a stressed bio mother. But hopefully we integrate it into the fabric.

Sending you support.


"But we must supply our own light." - Stanley Kubrick


Posts: 67 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: The Big Blue Sea
Blackhair
♀ Member
Member # 39451
Default  Posted: 4:28 AM, July 16th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am a BS here, never heard anyone in my life is OC, so I don't have any advice, just want to send you a big hug! My support!


M: 10 years
DD:5 DS Twin: 2 yrs old
DDay: Earlier 2013, WS flew/met many times with a Philippine girl found online (20 yrs younger)
SA finalized 6 months after DD. divorcing...
I am determined to fly even with broken wings and a broken heart!

Posts: 177 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Canada
Lost74
♀ New Member
Member # 43422
Default  Posted: 7:46 AM, July 16th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just wanted to thank you all for your support. S I has been such a lifesaver of support for me! I truly appreciate all the BS responses also. Plainpain-thanks for sharing your story and your perspective on the OC. Many blessings to you and your family!


Me: WW, 39
Him: BH, 40
DDay: 12-29-13
Ds: 7&9, dd: 12
Married 15 years, together 20

Posts: 17 | Registered: May 2014
Sadmumma
♀ Member
Member # 42192
Default  Posted: 7:15 AM, July 17th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lost. Welcome to the crappiest club filled with the nicest souls.

I am a BW and I am an OC. I have never met my father and there are siblings I have never met.

I have carried the shame of this my whole life and I guess to some extent it has overshadowed all my relationships.

I'm happy to chat via PM further with you about it if you like.


On any given day you have the power to say "my story is not going to end like this"
Me 41 BS
Him 41 WH
6 kids...7 weeks, 5,7,9,11&13
D day jan 29th 2014

Posts: 536 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Land down under
Merida
♀ Member
Member # 42437
Default  Posted: 5:08 PM, July 17th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The situation of your birth parents has nothing to do with you

this

you are NOT just a "complicated rat, running a complicated maze" to also quote a famous behaviorist (skinner)

Do not limit your reality to your DNA

(((Lost74)))


"The Will of God will never take you where the Grace of God will not protect you."

WH is katumus and I am not reading his posts but we talk a lot and working on listening better!

BW 45
WH 46

married 17 years
3 kids


Posts: 212 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Maryland
LosferWords
♂ Guide
Member # 30369
Default  Posted: 6:37 PM, July 17th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lost74,

Hope you don't mind me chiming in. I found out when my son was almost seven years old that he is an OC. I never lost any love for him when I found out that he is biologically OM's son. I still consider myself 100% his dad.

The people who raised you are your parents. I can understand you wanting to go back and find out about your biological ancestry, and find out more about these people. I think that is a natural curiosity.

Just know that you are loved by your true parents - the ones that raised you. You are their daughter because they chose you.

Hope that helps in some way.

Losfer


Posts: 7559 | Registered: Dec 2010
Topic Posts: 15

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