Honey, he is telling you he is not safe. Can I ask why you feel he is not a danger to your son?
..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.
Thank you so much for your support and your sympathies.
Thank you for your note. I'm hoping you can help me with what is maybe a blindspot on my part. What do you see as the danger of SAWH being unsupervised with the baby for stretches of time, sometimes up to 3-4 hours? Is it just that SAWH is in a fantasy state while taking care of DS? Is there a specific fear about him molesting the baby or is it something else? Thank you in advance for clarifying.
Right now, my risk-benefit analysis is that the risks DS face by being stuck with an overwhelmed mom as his only caregiver outweigh the risks of short periods of time with his sex addict dad. He carries GPS and a VAR at all times. I have no evidence (or inkling) that he has sexual attraction to children. What am I missing?
6 years of TT, hidden STD & false R
Separated 5 mos+; he will not commit
Someday I will be okay
Second - I'm limiting my advice to: you deserve, and your child deserves so much more than what you are stating you are willing to SETTLE for...a platonic relationship with a man who treats you horribly, who has serious psychological issues that put you AND your child in harms way.
Beyond that, I'm am leaving you in the capable and experienced hands of the other members who have walked this exact path before you.
Be safe and value yourself and your child more than a piece of paper that keeps you bound to this man.
I also want you to remember this:
You are in no way at fault for the nightmare you find yourself in.
You deserve more than what you have.
Being alone is not nearly as awful as being lonely in your own marriage.
Your primary goal needs to be protecting your son, and sometimes the best way to do that is to leave a toxic co-parent.
Strength and peace to you.
They don't all end up like that. BUT I would never take the chance living with someone who is an active sex addict. He has told you he is not safe.
Thank you too. I agree that sometimes the best thing is to leave a toxic coparent. I've decided that we need to involve a forensic psych and get an evaluation on SAWH's risk level to DS. He's agreed to it, too. We have to find someone but I want to involve a pro in some way.
I hear you. I believe him. I'm not moving back in with him but for now I'm comfortable with him caring for DS for short periods of time without me present. I'll keep evaluating the situation and like I said above, we're going to involve a forensic psychiatrist in this discussion.
[This message edited by determinata at 2:26 AM, July 24th (Thursday)]
Nobody forgets what happens, the secret is learning to live with it.
Your SAWH has such deep problems that it makes my head spin. I'm not sure he'll ever be a safe partner for anyone. Hopefully I'm wrong and with years of help, he gets better.
I hope you can find some peace in your life. This is too much for one person to have to deal with.
Congrats on the interview!
He's been more pleasant since he's been abstaining (he says) from masturbating recently. I think he's 17 or 18 days masturbation-free and he seems much more clear headed. I have to be careful, however, not to get sucked back in. He has many years of work ahead of him. It's awful that he didn't do this before we had DS because now he is going to miss out of big chunks of his childhood but it was his decision to lie about being in recovery all those years. I just have to remember that new sobriety changes nothing and not start falling for the idea that we can be a family again.
I still have not found an IC and am having a lot of reservations about continuing the hunt. I've not given up but I've lost a lot of my motivation.
And in the best news, my interview went well. They asked for references and if those check out, would like me to meet with the firm's partners for a second interview. I had so panicked about what to wear that I almost laughed hysterically when, wearing my dark suit and pumps I entered a vast office full of people wearing jeans, t-shirts, flip flops and ratty sneakers. I cannot believe these people do billion dollar projects.
I think returning to the world of work is going to be great for my mental health.
[This message edited by determinata at 12:28 AM, August 1st (Friday)]
SI can be really validating and help pull us out of our fog/shock, into liberation and action.
You're wise to keep H at bay. He has a looooooong road ahead of him.
One possibility for IC is to find someone online, who can do internet video. This may open avenues. It's not the same as in person, but may allow you to fi d the right IC and allow you to stay at home, too.
I'd love to hear updates on your interviews :) congrats on the positive response after the first one.
I think returning to the world of work is going to be great for my mental health.
I think so too! Being able to go each day to a place where people thought of me as together and competent is good for my self-esteem. Having positive, interesting things to fill up my brain keeps me from dwelling so much on my grief. And being less financially dependent on you WH is a relief. Best of luck to you, D!
meleanoro Our ridiculous insurance doesn't cover any counseling that doesn't happen face-to-face so that's not an option right now. It's a good suggestion, though, and I appreciate it.
krsplatThank you very much. And I see you have a really recent DDay. Big hugs to you. I know this must be a really horrid time and thank you for taking the time to comment.
scaredyKat Somehow I forgot that Dr. Magness worked with spouses too--too busy thinking about my SAWH's recovery and not my own, I suppose. I'm going to follow up. Thank you, thank you.
I've been invited back for a second (maybe final?) interview with the firm I mentioned a couple of weeks back. It has hit home in the past few days that I won't be able to get home until about 7 PM if I do get this job and that hurts. I'll miss my little bean so much.
How am I going to get through 12 hours a day without this?
I'm moving forward. I won't talk too much about legal issues since my H is a member on this forum. But I am making childcare arrangement for DS and I am trying to walk myself through every day.
For now, SAWH's visitation schedule has been cut back for my sanity:
Sat-noon to 8:00 (bedtime)
Sun-9:00 to 5:00
For a lot of you all, that's crazy, I'm sure but given that a few months ago he was sleeping over three nights a week and staying 4-5 hours every other day, it's much improved.
Right now, for whatever reason, I'm in a lot of pain. A lot of pain. It hit me (I don't know why) that again my husband doesn't love me; no man I've loved has ever loved me. And I feel so stupid and small and worthless. He was the one who was supposed to make it better --the shitty childhood, the abusive ex who strung me up and beat me until there was nerve damage in my hands, the guy who tried to rape me, the cousin who molested me, all the guys who just basically didn't give a shit-- because, you know, he'd had it rough too. His childhood was bad too. Bullshit. He was just using me for all these years. I was a center of gravity, a status symbol, a cover for dysfunction. He never loved me. He didn't love me the first time we got married nor when we renewed vows on our 5 yr anniversary in the midst of false recovery or reconciliation. And he doesn't love me now, which is why he isn't contesting anything about our marriage ending. I'm so sad. I'm so broken right now.
I know this won't hurt forever. And now my priority is healing. Not lifting the rug so he can use the broom to push the dirt underneath. He's broken and too damaged, narcissistic, whatever to love me. Nothing is going to change that.
[This message edited by determinata at 2:26 PM, August 13th (Wednesday)]
You are an incredibly strong woman for being able to handle all the shock and trauma and still persevere and move forward. Please know it is normal to have some extreme depression, panic attacks, disassociation, and PTSD from what you have been thru. I am in IC also because my WS was a sociopathic SA and he had me totally fooled for 4 years before I found out his depravity. Mine actually videotaped us having sex (on one of the rare occasions we did, I should have known something was up) and it is on the internet somewhere. I have children. I think I would kill him with my bare hands if I ever saw him again.
I am so glad you are working on seeing an IC and I am extremely angry with the one that totally dismissed you when you were seeking her help. That is extremely unprofessional and she should be reprimanded. Not all therapists will be equipped to deal with sex addiction and the traumatic outcome of the victims from SA, but they should gently refer you to someone who is. There are good and bad therapists just like there are good and bad everything else....
I agree with the posters who are saying to please be careful with your child around him. He may not have any interest now, but like knutz says, SA usually escalate. It is a mental illness and if they cannot get the same high/escape from what they usually do, they will try something else. That is why some men who are SA will have sex with other men even when they are not gay. Just for the difference in experience. My SA was caught with underage girls from time to time (which I didn't find out about until I started asking questions when I found him on dating sites and craigslist).
Also, if he does have some sociopathic traits, he won't care about the damage he does to others. He will just be concerned with his own feelings/emotions/issues/needs/wants.
It was a terrible shock to me when I finally realized I had been used by my WS. I loved him. I thought he loved me, but once I dumped him, it was so easy for him to move on to his next victim. He also left me financially bankrupt. The financial part has been difficult, but I am still so extremely glad to be away from him that I am willing to deal with whatever financial repercussions I have to deal with.
BTW...Your baby is beautiful! So adorable! When you are feeling low and depressed, that is your reason to carry on until those feelings finally fade........
ETA: Please stick with the IC until you realize that you are lovable and valued. With all you have undergone, that will take a while, but you will get there. I have. It is worth all the work.
[This message edited by NaiveAgain at 10:11 PM, August 7th (Thursday)]
Oh, honey, I hear your pain, too. I, too, had a shitty childhood, abusive bfs although not as horrid as yours! I can't explain why you wound up with losers, I do think there are many sickos out there, too many.
But I don't doubt that AOW loves you as best he can. But he isn't really capable of adult love. No addict is. Again, not your fault. The tragedy of addiction and abuse is that we, the spouses, wind up forgetting how to love ourselves because we have been traumatized by their crap. That, my dear, should be your next goal, learn to love the beautiful person you are.
Listen to me. Pot meet kettle, lol.
Hug that Bean. And maybe find daycare near the new job. Visit at lunch!
Hugs. You will survive and thrive!
And not to raise your voice. Wow. Incredible strength.
I am not in a position to offer advice. But I just wanted you to know I am sending you strength and there is somebody here in Britain (me) who admires and respects your tremendous fortitude and courage.
One small bit of information, may help. My ex was sexually abused by his dad. And he never in a million years EVER used that fact to abuse or hurt another. He remains one of the most honest, gentlest, sanest people I have ever had to honor to know. And his sexuality was normal, loved sex, but never in sick ways, hated porn, yelled at his one man-friend he knew who went to prostitutes. Being sexually abused does not create monsters. The person also must want to BE a monster.
It isn't for him. It is for you. You discuss only kids and finances. There is no need for him to tell you about his night, nor of you to tell him of yours, sadly, he no longer is that guy.
It's hard. And I know there is some need for you to keep track of him because of baby's safety. But, for now, since he is doing visitation at home, kids and finances only. Don't engage him or let him engage you in the pity party.
You may or may not be familiar with the AA saying, "Poor me poor me, pour me a drink!" Any excuse. Addict-speak. It's all full of horse crap.