I have wanted to post a number of things and I am trying to make light of my situation in the title.
It was suggested in one of my earlier posts that I'm not really in limbo. And I think I have come to accept that there is truth to it. Here is an update:
I have been living on my own out of our house for a little over two months now. While it sucks I am learning to look at it as an opportunity and am grateful because over the last two weeks I feel like there's been a big shift for lack of a better word.
I struggled hard and was wallowing in self-pity, self hate, shame and was punishing myself. I realize now I was just distracting myself from seeing the truth. The truth about my actions and truth about the disgusting person I had become.
I had immense fear before of letting go of the outcome, but I think realizing the truth has helped me to let go of the outcome. I wrote to my BS today that how could I have any expectations of an outcome after seeing the breadth of everything and just how I have been living? So I guess I realize that I'm not really in limbo, but I'm not working towards R either, but I'm also not D yet. So I guess this is an opportunity or 'limbotunity' to be the best person I can be, find my path, work my ass of and embrace it with faith that everything will work out in the end.
Here is my plan for now as it stands:
- I am meditating daily morning and night
- I am reading and writing specifically breaking down my faulty beliefs and distorted thinking
- Writing out my goals for who I want to be and what I want to change
- Trying to break down each faulty belief and f'd up way of thinking what it caused and what to replace it with.
- Trying to open up and communicate with my BS about all of this without fear of backlash
- weekly IC
- running a lot
Here is where I'm struggling. I am having the daily gut check. I am in NC with my BW and I am trying to find ways to be accountable and show her I care and am thinking about her constantly. This is hard when the majority of what I say is met with contempt and anger. I deserve this reaction and I am trying to be mindful and patient. It is a long fight especially after these f'd up ways of thinking and acting and reacting are so deeply ingrained.
I think the hardest thing is finding self acceptance. I have attached my self worth to the acceptance of others for so long I need to fill that void with self love. That's why the anger and responses set me back every time, because I project greater meaning onto them and take them into myself instead of accepting them and understanding where they are coming from.
I want to thank everyone here for being here. To everyone who has shared their thoughts, encouragement and insights. I am here for the long haul and have a lot to learn from all of you.
(ETA - I wanted to add my coined phrase 'Limbotunity' ;) )