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Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Compliments
pizzalover
♀ Member
Member # 38336
Default  Posted: 7:13 PM, July 15th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The other night my BH was telling me how beautiful that I am. He then recounted something that I had said a long time ago (probably early 2000's) which I don't remember saying. My brother was in a band and we were at one of his shows. Apparently my brothers band mate said to him that I was hot and my brother told me. I apparently said "I needed to hear that." Why in the world has attention and compliments from other people been so important to me? My BH didn't understand why I would need to hear from another man that I was hot - why it wouldn't have been enough to hear it from him. Obviously this pattern of thinking long pre-dates my affair. It sickens me that I need attention so much and that I needed it from my AP, whose opinion shouldn't have mattered one bit to me. I am learning to only care about my BH's opinion of me and believe what he is saying is true - that I AM beautiful.

To repeat what I posted on Alyssamd24's thread last week: My BH's compliments are only the ones that matter to me anymore to me too. I light up when he compliments me. I realized that I was relying too much on other people's compliments to make me feel good about myself. I also have learned that I don't always need a compliment from BH. When I am feeling kind of crappy, I sometimes solicit a compliment from BH, but I am learning to not rely external validation - I need to learn to love myself.


Trying to rebuild each day

Me - WW 39
Him - BH 40 (mpb1974)
2 Furrbabies - sweet cats

Met - 8/13/99
Started dating - 9/11/99
Moved in together - 3/03
Engaged - 6/5/09
Married - 8/21/10
D-Day - 1/24/13
Affair started 5/09


Posts: 493 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Pennsylvania
Macsecond
♀ Member
Member # 43972
Default  Posted: 7:37 PM, July 15th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is an issue I'm questioning in myself too. My BH has asked my the same thing: "Why was my opinion that you're beautiful not enough for you?"

I am learning to not rely external validation - I need to learn to love myself.

I think this is really key.


Me - WW (38)
Him - BH (36)
Married 14 years.
2 young kids
DDay - July 4, 2014 (I confessed to 5 month OEA)
In IC and MC, working on R.

Posts: 195 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: Canada
DrJekyll
♂ Member
Member # 43618
Default  Posted: 7:33 AM, July 16th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

for myself, I was told over and over by my brother growing up. "you are fat, ugly, and stupid." this is where mine started. so no matter how many time my BS told me otherwise. I needed to hear it more. That is where my root started. So find your root and heal it.


I am no longer Dr. Jekyll or Mr. Hyde. I am me, and they are both part of me.

"If you don't eat the elephant in one bite, it might trample you while chewing"

ME: WH HER: BS (holesinmybucket)

I do not PM with Women


Posts: 750 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: United States
BrokenButTrying
♀ Member
Member # 42111
Default  Posted: 8:27 AM, July 16th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Completely agree with DJ.

I was in an abusive relationship during my teenage years. He would tell me I was fat, ugly, unlovable, disgusting, lucky that he was with me. There wasn't a part of my body or personality that he didn't criticise or put down.

I believed every single word. Whenever H complimented me I thought he was lying because he was too polite to tell me the truth. Nothing he said would ever be enough because I didn't believe it about myself. Like someone telling you over and over that the sky is orange. You know it is blue so no matter how much they tell you, you are never going to believe them.

That's my root. Knowing that and working with my IC has helped me to re-frame my thinking.
I don't think I'm ever going to think I'm drop dead gorgeous but I don't think I'm ugly and I know I am enough. Now, when I get compliments I'm just able to say 'thank you.'


Me - 27
Him - 27
Madhatters

My Ddays - 01/2010 & 12/04/14
His Dday - 23/12/13

Chin up. Unwavering. Fight. I can do this.


Posts: 1260 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: UK
tangledknot
♀ Member
Member # 43927
Default  Posted: 8:37 AM, July 16th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can completely relate. Before my affair, I remember moments thinking to myself how much I wished other men could be attracted to me. It wasn't enough that my BH found me attractive and complimented me. I just brushed his compliments off. My craving to be admired is limitless. That is one of the many things that upsets BH about my affair, that I was so gaga about OM's attention and his attention was disregarded.

It's only been a couple weeks since Dday, so I am still grappling with this stuff.


Posts: 176 | Registered: Jun 2014
pizzalover
♀ Member
Member # 38336
Default  Posted: 9:01 AM, July 16th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

for myself, I was told over and over by my brother growing up. "you are fat, ugly, and stupid." this is where mine started. so no matter how many time my BS told me otherwise. I needed to hear it more. That is where my root started. So find your root and heal it.

DJ, I was made fun of in elementary school. My mom was (and still is) very heavy. They would call her names and that made me very sad. In middle school kids would call me 4 eyes and bookworm ( now I think of this name as a compliment!). Around age 15 I started developing gray hair (it's hereditary - my mom was gray early on). I have a like a patch of gray that sort of looks like a stripe. In the 90's I wore a lot of hairspray. Kids would call me greaser and skunk. Obviously these comments made me feel like shit about myself. There are probably more examples of being picked on. I think these things led to be not believing positive things about myself and needing endless compliments from people, especially men.

Now, when I get compliments I'm just able to say 'thank you.'

I am working on this as well!

I just brushed his compliments off. My craving to be admired is limitless. That is one of the many things that upsets BH about my affair, that I was so gaga about OM's attention and his attention was disregarded.

Tangledknot, I wonder if my BH feels the same way.


Trying to rebuild each day

Me - WW 39
Him - BH 40 (mpb1974)
2 Furrbabies - sweet cats

Met - 8/13/99
Started dating - 9/11/99
Moved in together - 3/03
Engaged - 6/5/09
Married - 8/21/10
D-Day - 1/24/13
Affair started 5/09


Posts: 493 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Pennsylvania
Wayflost
♀ Member
Member # 41583
Default  Posted: 9:58 AM, July 16th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just brushed his compliments off. My craving to be admired is limitless. That is one of the many things that upsets BH about my affair, that I was so gaga about OM's attention and his attention was disregarded.

Tangledknot, I wonder if my BH feels the same way.

I know this is one of the things that my BH struggles with. He always thought I was beautiful, and always wanted me. I often would brush him off or ignore his stated needs. But any OM says something and it was off to the races for me.

One of the things I told him about why is that I wasn't sure he said because he felt it, versus feeling obligated to say nice things. He's always maintained that he only ever gave me compliments or admired me because he does. He says there is no obligation. And you know what? I believe him.

When he compliments me now, which is understandibly less often, I treasure it.


Me: WW
Him: BH (totalheartbreak)
Both: 30s

Posts: 428 | Registered: Dec 2013
DrJekyll
♂ Member
Member # 43618
Default  Posted: 10:14 AM, July 16th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wasn't sure he said because he felt it, versus feeling obligated to say nice things

I totally get this, I do not know if it is the same for you guys. But I projected my own distrust onto my BS. ie. knew I was deceitful and lying about things. so I assumed my BS was also. I even set out at one point to tell my BS (in the worst of behavior) everyday that she was beautiful. Is she beautiful absolutely, then why is this relevant. I told her everyday because I knew that if I didn't tell her that somebody else would and it might draw her in. The reality, my BS was often given compliments. did they blow her head up? NO she was not broken like myself. She took them for what they were....compliments.


I am no longer Dr. Jekyll or Mr. Hyde. I am me, and they are both part of me.

"If you don't eat the elephant in one bite, it might trample you while chewing"

ME: WH HER: BS (holesinmybucket)

I do not PM with Women


Posts: 750 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: United States
tangledknot
♀ Member
Member # 43927
Default  Posted: 12:38 PM, July 16th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That is very interesting about projection in regards to compliments. I know that I would often compliment my BH because I knew it was what he wanted to hear. I knew he needed to be built up and I knew his insecurities. I wasn't lying, but I certainly did it out of obligation and not because I actually felt moved to admire him.

So, I assumed he was doing the same thing. Whenever he complimented me, I was like, yeah, yeah, yeah and rolled my eyes.


Posts: 176 | Registered: Jun 2014
steppingup
♂ Member
Member # 42650
Default  Posted: 2:42 PM, July 16th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I will never understand why my compliments to my WW are responded to with, "oh thanks" but if anyone especially a man tells my WW anything like, "you look good" she lights up like a roman candle. If anyone can explain to me why my compliments are worthless but others get her full attention and then some please private message me for a dialogue.

I'll never undestood this...I always have told her how beautiful and sexy she is but from others it is like heroin.


Her (WW 40s) Me (BH, 40s) very young DS & DD

“Whatever follows after DD is much more crucial than the infidelity action itself” Quote by SI Member Melian40

"I'm a good man, not an option" - Steppingup


Posts: 519 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: CALI
pizzalover
♀ Member
Member # 38336
Default  Posted: 8:55 PM, July 16th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When he compliments me now, which is understandibly less often, I treasure it.

I treasure them too.


Trying to rebuild each day

Me - WW 39
Him - BH 40 (mpb1974)
2 Furrbabies - sweet cats

Met - 8/13/99
Started dating - 9/11/99
Moved in together - 3/03
Engaged - 6/5/09
Married - 8/21/10
D-Day - 1/24/13
Affair started 5/09


Posts: 493 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Pennsylvania
Topic Posts: 11

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