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Newest Member: Calmisgood (45060)

Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Labels
wanttounderstand
♀ New Member
Member # 33819
Default  Posted: 8:37 PM, July 15th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There is a thread on JFO that has me reeling. I don't want to break any rules so I won't be specific, but it is someone who is being incredibly abused in her relationship and yet she is still trying to figure out how to make the relationship work.

I am a WW and she is a BS. Yet, I can relate to her pain and dysfunctional thinking. And most of all, I can relate to her inability to break free from the unhealthy relationship she is in. I read her story and it is, for me, like yesterday – 4 decades ago.

Really, what is the difference? Isn't pain and unhealthy thoughts and destructive patterns universal? Why is the BS's pain superior to the WS' pain?

This woman is fucked up and so was I - for decades. Does that make one of us better than the other?

WS or BS ? Why do we need labels? Isn't the issue getting healthy?

Does putting on a label, predispose an outcome?

Would love some feedback.


Posts: 47 | Registered: Nov 2011
MovingUpward
♂ Guide
Member # 14866
Default  Posted: 9:36 PM, July 15th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Really, what is the difference? Isn't pain and unhealthy thoughts and destructive patterns universal? Why is the BS's pain superior to the WS' pain?

I don't think that anyone has said that the BS's pain is superior. We often talk here about WS needing to own their decision to cheat but that the other issues of the marriage are to be shared as no one is perfect. So maybe what you are seeing is on this site is WS being held accountable for their choice to cheat and the associated pain that choice inflicted on their spouse and that is translating to the impression that the BS's pain is superior.

This woman is fucked up and so was I - for decades. Does that make one of us better than the other?

I think trying to compare anyone with an other can be quite destructive. We can convince ourselves we are ok (when we aren't) by selecting someone near rock bottom. We can go to the other extreme and tank our self esteem by comparing ourselves to someone at the height of their game. The best thing to do is to work on being the best person that you can be. You compare yourself to you. You learn from your mistakes to make less of them in the future. We all have this capability.

WS or BS ? Why do we need labels? Isn't the issue getting healthy?

The goal for this site is to help everyone become healthy. It means looking into the mirror and actually seeing what looks back. This is true for everyone here. Labeling is something that we do all the time and it is useful. It can hold us accountable. While dealing with my aftermath there were many labels that I had to deal with. And once dealt with I could discard. Labels of codependent, depressed, timid, conflict avoidant, etc. Not great things to have to face but I could have thrown a label away and not addressed the issue underneath. The goal is to address these labels and issues and move beyond them. Having healed from many of those labels I can talk about them honestly. I can admit my past failures for I learned from them to be a better person.

Does putting on a label, predispose an outcome?

I don't think so. We all have the ability to choose things. We will change when we want to change. I know many here that were WS at one time. If you met them today, you'd never known. A label can be outgrown. Once upon a time we were probably all stupid teenagers, we've outgrown that label. It isn't how people see us today.


AKA Moo

Think of the haters in your life as sandpaper; they’ll scratch you up time and time again but in the end you’re polished, smooth, and spotless..while they end up useless

We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give.


Posts: 52320 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Big Blue Nation
Topic Posts: 2

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