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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Away for work and finding thoughts turning to separation...
MJane
♀ Member
Member # 40571
Default  Posted: 3:55 AM, July 16th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Been away several days for work and it has been the first time in a long time I have had more than a few hours to think - being a mum to young kids and getting in with everyday consumes so much daylight time that I have struggled to get quiet time to really pause and think. I have waited for 10 months for my WS to declare his love in dramatic unequivocal terms and for me to get to some real feeling of security but the reality is I think neither is happening ... I wonder if I am settling for a man who doesn't truly love me and for a life that will always have me looking over my shoulder. I am starting to wonder, like an earlier post on the site, whether I would be better off having a period of separation - despite all the practical difficulties involved given young kids and lack of family close by. I expected to have more certainty of his feelings for me and mine for him at this stage but I think he still excuses his actions based on our M communication issues and has yet to truly look in the mirror or realise what he almost threw away. I wonder if I made it too easy to stick around rather than making him work to be back with me and or family after treating me so very badly for almost 2 years- anyone else felt any of this still 10 months out???

Posts: 253 | Registered: Sep 2013
tfkeel
♂ Member
Member # 19517
Default  Posted: 5:21 AM, July 16th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wonder if I am settling for a man who doesn't truly love me and for a life that will always have me looking over my shoulder.

This can very well be the case. It was, for me, starting about a year past DD.

And, it happened when I got alone with my thoughts and recognized that her affair was a "symptom" and not the disease. The disease had always been there, and was intractable, because of her unwillingness to challenge it.

It was not that you made it "easy". In order to have successful marriages, cheaters have to take their own bull by the horns, and seek the help they need to overcome their sickness.

It's not governed too much by external factors.

And, I found that to remain physically in the home was a choice that was the lesser of the evils in terms of the difficulty of splitting the home up.

But, I had to do it from a position of strength, and not of weakness.

[This message edited by tfkeel at 5:23 AM, July 16th (Wednesday)]


Posts: 514 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Pennsylvania
MJane
♀ Member
Member # 40571
Default  Posted: 5:59 AM, July 16th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks tdkeel - what boundaries did you put in place to help you feel you were staying from a position of strength? I wonder if I am doing enough to safeguard what is important to me and what I need to stay healthy in getting through this. I wonder if I have set enough expectations and limits to be respected...for example I don't have full transparency with my H's communications - he got very upset the other day when I wanted to look through his phone - I actually don't think he is in touch with OW at all but his indignation and telling me he didn't want to live with a W who needed to snoop on everything made me realise he really doesn't get how deeply he betrayed me and that the distrust I feel is entirely caused by his actions - I was never a jealous W or a prying person - frankly I hate the suspicion I feel and the mistrust....part of me wonders if at points like that I shouldn't be making ultimatums and standing my ground rather than accepting his lack of full disclosure ....it shows to me he is far from true R and has yet to deal with how much he devastated me.

Posts: 253 | Registered: Sep 2013
blakesteele
♂ Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 6:55 AM, July 16th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((MJane)))). I have known this feeling. Away at a business conference recently and felt this. I am "busy by nature". I sometimes wonder if I am because I feel this way when I am still....wonder just how long I felt this way. That feeling was there before wife's A.....just not sure how long.

Important note!!!! We are talking about feelings....not hard facts. IC has helped me see very clearly that our own bias influences how we feel....and that can be very different than reality.

recognized that her affair was a "symptom" and not the disease.


Adultery is a fruit harvested by a way of living....not a singular choice. My wife made choices all throughout our M that are tied to her ability to harvest the crop she did. We reap what we sow. When you fear intimacy like we both do....we sow seeds that grow plants that produce intimacy blocking and intimacy killing fruits. Yeah, I did too.

We have much sowing to do.....and our harvest is a ways off.

It is a scary, nervous feeling.....I sometimes wonder if the feeling you are describing, that I feel at times, is a throw back to old patterns? Maybe it is us thinking we could get to a harvest faster if we could just move to a new farm?


Try to feel those feelings without choosing an action. Often times this reveals a surprise.....


God is with us all.

P.S. Get and read Boundaries In Marriage by Henry Cloud. It talks both about boundaries AND how to apply consequences when those boundaries are violated....in HEALTHY ways.


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 3947 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
blakesteele
♂ Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 8:22 AM, July 16th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

made me realise he really doesn't get how deeply he betrayed me and that the distrust I feel is entirely caused by his actions - I was never a jealous W or a prying person

Most waywards hate conflict, avoid painful feelings at all cost. It is highly likely that your husband does not want to face what he has done....doesn't want to accept the very real consequences of his very real actions. I observe the same behavior in my wife. Adultery is the ultimate fantasy that a persons problems are outside of themselves. A "see....I just knew it wasn't ME being the problem. Look how GREAT I feel when I am with OM.....it WAS my husband that made me miserable!!!!" rationale.

As a wayward becomes healthy they will see their sin as it is....a reflection of them, not a result of another.

Your husbands response is a combo of his reluctance to accept responsibility for his solo actions and his desire to see just how much of his old coping mechs he can bring with him as he learns to accept the gift of R. Short answer? None.

Those old coping mechs are what grew adultery in his life's journey.

"Adultery is not a symptom of a broken M....a broken M is a symptom of a person who can choose adultery."--therapist.

Peace.


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 3947 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
tfkeel
♂ Member
Member # 19517
Default  Posted: 8:17 AM, July 18th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

what boundaries did you put in place to help you feel you were staying from a position of strength?

No sex, no intimacy. I take care of the finances, you take care of the house. We share the kids.

You can have all the affairs you want. But, not here in this house, and the kids will have NO CONTACT to the AP AT ALL.

We are divorced. No paper says we are, but de facto, we are. We are setting the rules, the courts aren't.

Interestingly - the affairs stopped. When she was "allowed" to have them, she didn't want them anymore. As, if she can't hurt me by it, there's no need to do it.

However, she was unrepentant.

....doesn't want to accept the very real consequences of his very real actions.

Exactly.

This was not the "best" choice, it would have obviously been better if the marriage could have been worked on, salvaged, and put back together in a functional way for both of us.

However, the consequences would have had to be gone through. She would have had to face her demons and cast them out.

Revenge was one of the motivators in her adultery.
She wanted it more than her health.

[This message edited by tfkeel at 8:25 AM, July 18th (Friday)]


Posts: 514 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Pennsylvania
Topic Posts: 6

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