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Newest Member: JRconfused (45363)

Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: My radar is up with WH over a man!
CatchyUsername
♀ Member
Member # 39415
Default  Posted: 7:11 AM, July 16th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OK - this is the one that is making me think I am going insane...

We are one year+ since DDay. WH has been wonderful. No contact with OW. Remorseful. Attentive. Transparent.

About 9 months ago he joined a club and met a guy that he is now "best friends" with. They spend a ton of time texting. Joking. We have hung out with them as a couple. At some point we started referring to him as WH's "boyfriend" as a joke.

Well, now I am really uncomfortable with their relationship.

On one hand I should be happy he is making good guy friends. With guys that are in stable marriages.

On the other hand, something is just creeping me out.


Posts: 191 | Registered: Jun 2013
deb3129
♀ Member
Member # 30315
Default  Posted: 7:37 AM, July 16th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I could have written this, as I am going through the same thing right now. On one hand I feel like an idiot for being concerned about another guy, but on the other hand I have learned that when I have these 'hunches' there is usually a reason. I am just not sure how to approach this one!


I am pessimistically optimistic


Me- 43
WH- 36
Married 14 years, together 17. Two kids together, boys age 9 and 10.
DDay-11/29/2010
I never knew that something could be this painful and not kill you.


Posts: 791 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Southeast Texas
brokensmile322
♀ Member
Member # 35758
Default  Posted: 7:39 AM, July 16th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Two thoughts run through my now tainted mind….

One: The number he is texting IS the husband's number and not the wife's, right?

(I know, I know…. but, as I said, I am tainted. It would be the first thing I check these days. )

Two: I am all for friendships, etc… But I do think most (primary) of our emotional energy needs to be spent on our spouse/significant other. Any person- friend, parent, sibling, coworker- that starts to take on the primary role in the M is a threat. They call that triangulation.

If you are feeling second, it needs to be discussed, IMHO.

How are things going otherwise?


Me BS 42 Him WS 44
OW Coworker DDay April 7, 2012
EA on a slippery slope...

When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves. ~Viktor Frankl

"When you are happy, you can forgive a great deal."


Posts: 1544 | Registered: Jun 2012
TheIrishGirl
♀ Member
Member # 43496
Default  Posted: 7:47 AM, July 16th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Even if it's not romantic, this new BFF is getting all his attention and emotional energy. Even a fair amount of his time. That's what makes you uncomfortable.

And to PP's point about maybe he's in touch with the wife- I know a family that split because the wife was joining another couple in bed, so I can only assume her H thought everything was fine with her and the wife being BFFs until he learned that she was hopping in bed with both if them. Any possibility that's the case?


Me: 31, BW Him: 38, WH
2 children (ours) 7/11 & 3/14
D-day 4/18/14 I saw his 'other' email

Posts: 585 | Registered: May 2014
confused615
♀ Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 8:07 AM, July 16th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

..or he could be into guys, as well as girls.

It happens.

Even to those of us who never..in a million years...would have thought the man they had been married to and in love with..for more than a decade...would cheat on us..with a MAN.

I know I was sure surprised.

However..if Im honest? A few months before Dday..I met my husband's best friend..a man he met on a hunting forum..a man he had gone to several archery tournaments with(sometimes my kids went too)...and from the moment I met him, I felt "off." My first thought was he was fooling around with my husband. Then I quickly realized what an ABSURD thought!

Then...2 months later...dday..he cheated with a man.

I never had a clue. Awesome sex. Passion. He loves me.

But he did it.

Listen to your gut.

Listen closely.


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciling?

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7696 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
CatchyUsername
♀ Member
Member # 39415
Default  Posted: 8:44 AM, July 16th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I talked to him about it and he is emphatic that it is nothing more than friendship. I feel like I must now start snooping again. UGH. I totally don't want to do this. He is VERY involved in this club. There is a weekend away thing this weekend and I am heading elsewhere and he had to make some major arrangements to still be able to attend this event. Is it because the event means a lot to him or because this guy means a lot to him? I don't know. It is really bugging me.

Posts: 191 | Registered: Jun 2013
confused615
♀ Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 8:45 AM, July 16th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Listen to your gut.


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciling?

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7696 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
CatchyUsername
♀ Member
Member # 39415
Default  Posted: 9:42 AM, July 16th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So how do I got about this? (the figuring it out part) It is not like with a woman - if I caught him alone with a woman or arranging to hang out with a woman I would immediately call foul. BUT - it is a guy and they are friends. Hanging out is normal, right? Do i hire a PI? Do I stalk them?

Posts: 191 | Registered: Jun 2013
BrokenButTrying
♀ Member
Member # 42111
Default  Posted: 9:49 AM, July 16th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Even if it's not romantic, this new BFF is getting all his attention and emotional energy. Even a fair amount of his time. That's what makes you uncomfortable

I agree with this.

Assuming that your WH is not hiding things about his sexuality from you, I think you are picking up that he has created a situation where his boundaries may be tested.
How much is he discussing the M with this friend? Do they discuss women, sex, previous sexual parters etc? Is he sharing too much? Is he telling his friend stuff he should be talking to you about? Is he now putting the emotional energy he put into the A into this new friendship?

It is not insane that you feel this way. Talk to WH, explain your concerns and discuss what can be done to ensure you feel safe.


Me - 27
Him - 27
Madhatters

My Ddays - 01/2010 & 12/04/14
His Dday - 23/12/13

Chin up. Unwavering. Fight. I can do this.


Posts: 1253 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: UK
2married2quit
♂ Member
Member # 36555
Default  Posted: 9:51 AM, July 16th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Since DDAY, my FWW has had women hitting on her. There's one in particular she likes and they have talked about playing a bit. At first it was the "male fantasy" then later it bothered me. Now it doesn't, but she's been over the table with the whole thing and it's not daily. The point is that in my case, the A opened her up to her sexuality in a huge way. Her lesson was to NOT hide it from me.

So you two need to talk and set new boundaries.


BS - Me 43 WS - Her 41
DDAY - June 2012 (found the texts)
DDAY2 - Next Day (found out who) EA
TT- till 9/2012 (some PA)
Married 20yrs. 2kids
Status: in careful R. Sometimes spinning our wheels

Posts: 1397 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: USA
confused615
♀ Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 10:33 AM, July 16th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hanging out is normal. And that is all it could be. I don't think, because of what happened in my marriage, that every man secretly wants to hook up with another man. That would be ridiculous. However, you are uncomfortable for a reason. And I think you really need to figure that out. The best advice on here is to listen to your gut. If you want to investigate, just to set your mind at ease, put a VAR in his car one day when you know they will be together. If it turns out it's just a good, healthy friendship, then you will feel better. if it turns out there *is* something else going on, then you will have information you absolutely need...for your health, your life, and your marriage.


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciling?

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7696 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
FixYou71
♀ Member
Member # 42654
Default  Posted: 5:24 PM, July 16th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree that you should have a conversation with your H about the type of conversations they have and discuss boundaries. There should be boundaries in place that respect you, your marriage and that would prohibit conversations about other women, past sexual encounters etc. Some men are pigs and some would never go there. Friends tend to become more like each other.
I also agree that his main focus should be your relationship and, while healthy, responsible friendships that can include accountability etc. are good, they should never be taking away from building and nurturing the marriage.


BS: 43
H: 49
Dday #1 Oct 2007 (Porn for 2 yrs)
Dday #2 May 2013 (Porn for 5 more yrs))
Dday#3 May 2014 (finally admitted to drunk kissing OW in 1994: the 2nd drunken kiss with another woman during our M)
DD 21 and DS 17
Married 1993

Posts: 451 | Registered: Mar 2014
Rebreather
♀ Member
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 5:48 PM, July 16th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What are their text message about? What is the tone of their conversation and interaction?

Something is bugging you. It could be just the fact that he is devoting any energy at all into a new relationship with 100% of that should be directed at you. Or, it could be something else.

You could always do the VAR.


Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Recovering.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6549 | Registered: Jan 2011
Holly-Isis
♀ Member
Member # 13447
Default  Posted: 5:56 PM, July 16th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It doesn't sound like the same situation but xOw1's "B"H used to have a relationship like that with MrH. He'd joke about MrH being his "Buttercup" (think Three Amigos).

Turns out he was testing MrH through that behavior- and other things- to see if he would be open to partner swapping and/or threesomes. Apparently he figured MrH was because he did ask.

Male/female and gay/straight- boundaries are important.


"Being in love" first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. *CS Lewis*

Posts: 11229 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Just a fool in limbo
painfulpast
♀ Member
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 6:13 PM, July 16th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't think I'd bring it up again - but I would do the VAR, and I'd start checking the text messages, etc. to see for myself the nature of the relationship. He's going to insist it's just a friendship even if it's not. There aren't many men that are going to admit a sexual/romantic relationship with another man, no matter what.


The stones from my enemies, these wounds will mend
but I cannot survive the roses from my friends

Posts: 1898 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
Topic Posts: 15

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