Hearing those words, and knowing what he did has been the biggest struggle I have ever dealt with. This pain i have never experienced in my life. I knew in my heart even after finding everything out that if he wanted to work this out then I did too.
These past three weeks I feel like I have the man I fell in love with six years ago back. He has been patient with my daily struggles and constantly tells me that this was all him and has nothing to do with me.
He ended the A the day I found out. He has explained to me that he has zero feelings for her and he is disgusted with himself for what happened. I honestly believe him. I don't know if I am naive or just plain stupid? Has anyone else started a R so quickly?
I am not saying I trust him. He knows it will take a long time to earn that back. I just feel his genuineness. I feel like we are going to benefit from this horrible experince.
Any advice and good R stories are so welcome. Reading that there is hope helps so much.
his reason? It was "something to do." That is not his reason. What happens the next time he gets bored? Or needs something to do? Why didn't he spend that time investing in his marriage? Why did he turn to another woman? because it was something to do? No. He needs to dig A LOT deeper.
Did he get tested for STD's? Did you?
Is he being transparent? Do you have full access to his phone, email, facebook,etc?
Did he show you what was on that phone, to verify what he was telling you was true?
Is OW married? Boyfriend? Does he know his wife cheated on him?
Did your WH send a NC email or text to OW..one you approved of?
Is he answering all of your questions with honesty and without anger and defensiveness?
If all of this is a "yes"...then you have a very good start to your R.
But the healing will take some time. Usually 2-5 years. There is a roller coaster of emotions you will deal with. This early out, you're likely in a bit of shock..and in the "honeymoon" phase after dday.
If he is consistent, honest, and patient, and there is no TT, you have a great shot at a long, healthy marriage.
[This message edited by confused615 at 8:57 AM, July 16th (Wednesday)]
..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.
When his latest A was revealed, I immediately kicked him out and started the 180 (that was even before I found SI). He said to see the look on my face and our DD's face as he was picking his clothes up out of the yard completely broke his heart like he had never experienced before. BTW our DD is almost 20 so she understands now what has been going on as does our DS. Over the next week I got TT, but then the flood gates released and it all spilled out with the help of his 2nd AP (she called me - neighbor).
That was truly the worst week of my life besides losing my Dad and brother. I did not let WH come back and continued the 180 for the following week. We both started seeing IC's and I watched the man I have known so many years hit his rock bottom. I have never seen anyone in that condition before. At first I thought it was an act, but came to see that he was not wallowing in self pity, but real remorse for what he has done to me and our family. He has finally stepped back and seen what a horrible person he has been and was really living two separate lives.
I write all of that to say, that I am giving my WH one last shot and he knows that. We finally sat down and had the first real talk we have had in 28 years of M. I found out things about his FOO I did not know and that he had been blaming himself for my brother's death for 20 years. That does not excuse his choices, but it does help shed some light on the issue we have always had...Communication.
Moving~ I would tell you if you are really wanting to R with your WH please seek therapy. IC for him and MC for you both (IC for you if you want it). I wish we had sought help 15 years ago, we might not be in the state we are in now. WH been diagnosed with anxiety (not depression as we always thought it was) and he has an addiction disorder (that part still being sorted out - addiction is a common thread in his FOO).
I do not know if this will work out for us, but I have made my own decision to give him a chance to heal and get the help he has needed for a long time. Yes, it is a risk I am taking, but I feel good that I am making that choice on my own and I do not feel pressured by him at all. We hope to start MC soon.
There are sevral other things he opened up about during our talks about why/ how this all started for him. Every single time I have attempted to take blame he has told me it had nothing to do with me, it was all him. That accountability is a huge factor for me.
He has never been the type to communicate, and these past few weeks we have had the deepest conversations we have had in years. It was during one of these talks that I asked him the dreaded "how do you know you will never do this to me again?" Question He said to me that he just knows it will never happen again, that seeing/knowing what he has done to me has made him realize what we really have. He also said he learned his lesson, that it was the worst possible thing he could have done. He was so remorseful and genuine when he spoke, this is not an emotional man, I have NEVER in six years observed him like this. Realistically I know most if us if not all have asked this question, and the truth is that in order to heal and forgive i have to believe until it is proven to be a lie. But on that, I will never move forward or heal if I am constantly accusing him. I couldn't live like that. I chose to begin forgiving and his actions thus far have proven that he is 100% on board with honest R.
I know we definitely have a ton of work to do. He has been extremely supportive every breakdown, his remorse shows every time I cry, ask questions, or even just simply when he says he loves me. I feel fortunate so far in how he has been, especially after reading some of the struggles on here.
Thank you all for your advice and opinions!
[This message edited by movingforward26 at 9:36 AM, July 16th (Wednesday)]
He needs to dig A LOT deeper
I forgave quickly the first two DDs which were years apart. He was remorseful, he tried hard to please me and the honeymoons afterward were like the first years of our relationship and I was fooled. Twice. Turns out, it's HIS need for the excitement and romance of new love that put him back into the same pattern every couple of years. And the affairs did NOT stop until I discovered them. This time I am not fooled. He was dragged kicking and screaming into the realization that there is something in HIS head that makes him do it and HE needs to work on that. The consequences of his failure to curb his actions will be that he will ALWAYS have the 'new love' because this 'old love' will not be available to him. That said.. it also comes with a realization on my part that if I intend to love THIS particular man... my responsibility is to not let myself or our relationship get stale. I made that promise to him, and we work on it every day.
A few things about your post are puzzling. First, you made a comment about what happens when you attempt to take blame. Why on earth are you taking blame for anything? I"m so glad he's not letting you do this, but ??????????????? You aren't to blame for his cheating, at all.
Second, you said
I feel like we are going to benefit from this horrible experince.
Really? At 3 weeks out you think you're going to benefit? Everyone here has a different marriage than they had pre DDay. Some feel that their marriage is in better shape than it was pre DDay. I don't know if anyone feels that this has been a benefit. Am I reading that wrong?
He said it was a relief to be done with them, he had no feelings for them. I found out that he'd had "confessional" moments to close friends and his mother a few times, crying and upset to them that he wanted to end it with the OW. He tried to cut it off with OW1 - though obviously he jumped back in as soon as she initiated again.
The pain is horrible and i feel my entire world is upside down and unreal for the past year. But I do feel very hopeful that he is genuinely remorseful. He had one big TT on June 30/July 1 - nearly a month after I dday, in which he admitted to flirting with OW2 prior to getting involved with OW1.
I would hold off on the "forgiveness" part, though. It is a LOT to process in a very short period of time, and my emotions l have rollercoasted all over the place. I have spent a ridiculous amount of time meticulously pouring through text logs to make a timeline of events. I have asked him hundreds of questions about filling in the small details. I have raged. I have cried. I have sometimes felt such relief in having just "normal" moments.
I am hesitant to say I am anywhere close to forgiving him. For now, I would rather just feel and process and grieve and try to cope. I will worry about those big emotions of forgiveness later, as I can step away. It is very hard to think straight when I'm still reeling from dday and in the immediate aftermath. I would also like to have months or years of watching him still act remorseful to know what IS real.
I told my IC the other day that this is a difficult place for me to be in because I don't know "how to not believe him." It is so ingrained in me to believe what he says. Even when I've been shown quite obviously that he has lied in the most horrible of ways. And trying to process what was "normal" and immediate and completely natural for me to do, I am now grieving and learning to process.
So that is my experience with it. Just trying to feel, process, and cope right now. If he is genuinely remorseful, there will be plenty of time down the road to look at the bigger questions of forgiveness and types of forgiveness. there is no need to rush.
I think there is a lot of WORK that is required to r. Not just apologies, but genuine work to figure out the WS whys, actions. And the BS's feelings. And also the work that needs to be done in the marriage itself.
Have you read the resources in the Healing library? has your WH? We are reading NOT Just friends and it is great at getting to some of the actual work involved.
It is a cheater's dream to be found out, feel apologetic, then move forward. The goal, though, is to do the work to figure out what is going on that led them to their actions - which means a lot of looking backwards and a lot of work.
As far as blaming myself I automatically thought I wasn't satisfying him sexually or emotionally. That is where he came in and squashed those thoughts immediately. This experience has definitely increased my insecurities, I am seeking therapy to work through those.
As far as forgiveness goes, I truly have forgiven him. That does not mean I have forgotten. We talk about my feelings, thoughts and insecurities every day. We talk about how this is truly a day to day recovery. Frankly right at this moment he knows I don't see a future just yet, he has to earn that back.
I guess for me, I was miserable for a month when his A escalated to sexual encounters and he shut down to me. It has been refreshing to know the truth and be able to attempt to move forward. I don't want to focus on the details of the A anymore. It happened. What is done is done. I refuse to spend the rest of my life feeling miserable over it. That is why I have chosen to move forward.
This post came from the back of my head saying maybe I am being gullible? Or too forgiving? But at the same time I feel extremely strongly that if I made the decision to not leave and to work on this with him, I have to do what I am doing? Does that make sense? I really wanted to hear if amyone has felt that way and how they worked through that insecure thought process? Is there anyone who has gone through the R process and just knew from the begginig that they could move forward after the ultimate betrayal and be a better couple for it?
I feel like a few of the posts have been a bit bitter. I know we all hurt, and some of you have had negative outcomes from your attempts at R. I do appreciate all of your guy's words and opinions, I hope you can respect why I feel the way I do currently.
I cant give much encouragement long-term as we are not yet even 3 months out, but if there is true repentance, then the hard work of recovery can begin quickly. There are still many bad days, but forgiveness has never been the cause of any of them.
Just one waywards opinion.
"If you don't eat the elephant in one bite, it might trample you while chewing"
ME: WH HER: BS (holesinmybucket)
no stop sign = BS always welcome
I do not PM with women
Don't rush yourself to forgive, work on healing first.
I may be completely wrong here, but I interpreted what you wrote as saying that if you want to move forward, this is the way to do it - by not looking back, accepting it happened, and moving onwards.
In a way that is rugsweeping.
One way I think of it is something that somebody on here posted about kintsugi. Imagine you have a pot - symbolizing your marriage, who you thought was your husband in this marriage, who you thought you were in this marriage - and watching your husband take that pot and shattering it. Sure you can pick up the pieces and slap some glue on it and say it's ok, it's fixed now.
But if you want to repair that pot so that it doesn't break again or leak, you have to figure out why he threw it to begin with.
and you also have to look at the shattered pieces. You have to feel along the shattered fragments - yes cutting your fingers in the process - in order to see precisely where they fit together. You want to know what those broken pieces are. It is hard, it hurts. But figuring that out is part of repairing it.
And once you repair it - if it can be repaired - it will always show the scars of where it was shattered. always. It will never be that same pot again. It may be even stronger and more beautiful for the healing, but it takes a lot of work and a lot of hurt to get there.
Asking questions and looking at *what* happened is a way of processing and grieving and coping for you. it has a very important role in moving forward, as you both have to face the truth of what has happened so that you can begin to do the work to fix it.
Asking the questions of why it happened are important for him. Or he'll rugsweep and just keep on being the same broken person.
That doesn't inhibit R or forgiveness or anything - it is the work that goes into it for many so that there will be no more throwing of pots.
[This message edited by Lark at 1:03 PM, July 17th (Thursday)]
Even if you feel completely at peace, there is no harm in reading more on it - even if to just affirm you are in the right place.
I have a similar story to yours (as far as my husbands actions towards me after the A was discovered.) I was tipped off by OW boyfriend on July 4th, and my WH still denied and made excuses. Finally on July 18 I contacted OW boyfriend again for proof. Once I had this proof, my WH completely had a melt down. His A ended in early May when she was caught. I do believe that he would have ended it at some point soon after. I am happy he was caught though. I can tell he is completely remorseful and not just having a pity party. He assures me that I am the best thing to happen to him, that it was his own lack of self esteem and being knocked down constantly by his family that caused him to seek out "being someone else" and then eventually going down the rabbit hole. My DDAY was just 5 days ago and we had our first MC session this past Monday (i had scheduled it before the truth came out because I knew more was coming than what he originally admitted to.). How long have you been married? For us a little over a year but my WH has anxiety (diagnosed a year ago) and hasn't taken meds only IC and this has been an extremely difficult year financially/with his school and with his family issues. Not saying that justifies it but it makes me more sympathetic to him which i think is a good thing. I wish you best of luck and so sorry you have to be here working through this. I truly believe like Howie said that you can build something stronger from this wreckage.
"Reconciliation means working together to correct the legacy of past injustice." - Nelson Mandela