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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: How to Help Your Spouse Heal From an Affair
♂ Member
Member # 40627
Default  Posted: 8:34 AM, July 16th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm one year out from DDay. Is it "too late" for this book? Like, is it much better suited for dealing with the carnage right after discovery of the affair than dealing with the longer term? Is it, to be completely non-politically correct and with no disrespect intended, fairly balanced and appropriate for a WW and not just a WH?

DDay: July 6, 2013
"not divorcing"

Posts: 85 | Registered: Sep 2013
♂ Member
Member # 36555
Default  Posted: 8:53 AM, July 16th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's a good book at any point. I think it would help even at 1yr out because you can check off what your spouse has done or has NOT done. It also helps the WW/WH realize the damage and ways they can right the wrong. It's pretty hard core though because my FWW had to put it down. She could not bare to read it. It really spelled out to her what she did and the damage she caused. It is also great reference material for a road to recovery. Most books deal with both the BS and the WS. This one is about the WS.

BS - Me 43 WS - Her 41
DDAY - June 2012 (found the texts)
DDAY2 - Next Day (found out who) EA
TT- till 9/2012 (some PA)
Married 20yrs. 2kids
Status: in careful R. Sometimes spinning our wheels

Posts: 1333 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: USA
♀ Member
Member # 42185
Default  Posted: 9:12 AM, July 16th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes it's appropriate for a WW as well as a WH. It can be read at any point and I think it really can help the WS see how detrimental the A is to the BS and ultimately to themselves. There is info for the WS on how to handle the A when it's immediately discovered by the BS. When my H and I read it (a few months post-DDay), he realized how badly he bungled that and how much worse he made things. I think it's appropriate even at a year out for your WW to read that portion and see in black and white how her actions may have affected you. At the very least, it's a good jumping off point for a discussion. And you know, come to think of it, reading it a year out may have its advantages--one being that you are in a much calmer state than you were say a week out. You may be able to have a calmer, less emotionally topsy turvy discussion about your feelings.

BW: me (38)
WH: 43
OW: false "friend"
D-Day: 11/29/13 (4 month EA discovered); 12/19/13 (discovered was also PA); TT thru 2/14
Married: 2001; Together for nearly 20 years
2 beautiful young kids

Posts: 492 | Registered: Jan 2014
♂ New Member
Member # 44073
Default  Posted: 10:57 AM, July 16th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just ordered the book for my W. It's been 18 months since DD and from an EA (distant colleagues but possible physical from a conference early on in the relationship, which she adamantly denies). I've always said she is not giving me what I'm asking. I believe it's over, although he sends the occasional text, and since she feels it's over, we move on and not dwell on the past. "I need to get over it". We have been seeing C and it's all about sharing eachother's fears and feelings. She is remorseful for the hurt and letting herself get caught up in the OM's advances, but I have a hard time knowing if I've been told everything. I told her I ordered the book, so I'm hoping the light bulb goes off in her head. We're both educated and she is always reading about health, how to best raise kids, etc, but when it comes to this, she avoids any publications about affairs, except books that our counselor suggested which was more on relationship building (5 Love Languages, Legacy of Divorce) than actual consequences of affairs and how to recover.

Posts: 39 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: Canada
♀ Member
Member # 43876
Default  Posted: 11:04 AM, July 16th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think this is a great book. I am a BW and thought it was good for me. WH really got something from it and mainly that he needed to be honest. He did read it after our truth blow out, but he now knows honesty is really the best policy!!

The other day at a store we saw the last OW (used to be one of my good friends) and I was triggered horribly. I moved off to the side of the exit (we were all leaving at the same time) to let her leave, WH stood right beside me and showed the most concern and understanding I have ever seen from him. He apologized and said we could stand there as long as I needed to. He really gets how upsetting this is and it is really this book that helped him see the BS side of things. So glad I bought it.

BW - 46 (me)
WH - 47
M - 28 yrs
Together - 30 yrs
2 kids - over 18
3 A's - 2000, 2012 and 6/14
Hopeful for R (lots of therapy!!)

Posts: 84 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Southern US
♀ Member
Member # 19197
Default  Posted: 1:03 PM, July 16th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Great book whenever you get it, however, it wouldn't have been put to good use by my H until he was actually committed to ending the A (that is likely true of any book though).

Me: BS
Him: FWH
Married 30 yrs. w/ 2 grown kids
Dday 1: Very early 2007
Dday 2: Mid 2008 (same MOW, 14 month false R)
The affair was the aberration, not the marriage or the man.

Posts: 814 | Registered: Apr 2008
♀ Member
Member # 43773
Default  Posted: 1:34 PM, July 16th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This was the first book my husband and I read. It was very very helpful. It's also a fast read but has a LOT of material in it. So my husband's approach was to read it cover to cover, then he re-read it slower. And then read it 2 more times in the next week. He still references it. It really helped him gain perspective and also changed his communication. For the first few days, when he'd start to lock up, I told him a couple of times "you need to go re-read that book." And we'd take a break while he'd go and start re-reading, and it would help him.

Now that we are in IC and MC, the book is STILL useful as it lays everything out clearly. he feels the book is accurate from his perspective and helps him gain insight into what he's done. I feel the book is accurate from my perspective and understands what I need to feel safe.

I think it'd be a good book to keep referring to over the months and years.

"Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul." - William Ernest Henley

Posts: 509 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: California
♀ Member
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 1:36 PM, July 16th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My spouse read it four years out. It's never too late to learn more strategies to get through this.

Him WH
2 ddays in '07
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6421 | Registered: Jan 2011
♀ Member
Member # 37725
Default  Posted: 5:01 PM, July 16th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In anticipation of D-Day, I sent away for the book and read it myself first. Then I handed it to him the day after D-Day and he read it. It must have relieved him a little to read that he had instinctively done the right things (agreed to NC, expressed remorse, did not blame shift, took full responsibility...), yet at the same time it drove home the main points in a direct, unvarnished, un-sugar coated manner.

And here's the thing--during the NC phone call to OW, he actually recommended it to her, quoted from it, and urged her to confess to her BH.

I think this is an excellent book, certainly one of the best.

Me: BW, age 66
Him: WH, age 64
Married 19 years
In R.

D-Day: August 14, 2012
9 year LTA with former co-worker and family "friend"/7 years EA+PA, 2 more years EA

Posts: 394 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Connecticut
♀ Member
Member # 41193
Default  Posted: 8:32 PM, July 16th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I bought it for my WH 5 months after Dday. Got what (in hindsight) was the first TRUE apology the following day.

Our MC was so amazed at the change in my WH, he ordered the book and tells my WH to go back and reread certain chapters.

Unbeknownst to me, my WH had taken his affair underground for the 5 months after Dday 1. Reading the book apparently brought him out of his fog and he broke it off with her two days later.

We also liked "Not Just Friends". Now I'm looking for another book for him...perhaps titled "I'm a Complete Asshole".

Me: 58
Him: 65
Married: 21 years (well, we'll say 19 now!).
One son: 19, 2 adult stepdaughters
DDay: Oct. 14, 2013
18 month EA/PA with COW
Dday #2: 4/16/14 - took it underground for 5 months.
Haven't decided on outcome.

Posts: 428 | Registered: Nov 2013
Topic Posts: 10

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