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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: I mentioned ow's name on date with wife
Apple3point14
♂ Member
Member # 39035
Default  Posted: 10:11 AM, July 16th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was on a date with my wife, went to Home Depot and we were looking around. We came across some mugs that were cute, they had peoples names on them. I was reading the names aloud and I said it. I said OW's name that was written on the mug.
How could I do this. My wife has been through hell with my affairs, and I can't think enough not to say her name.
I was reading aloud and didn't even put two into together until after it came out of my mouth. but I don't think that matters. I want toBe safe for my wife, I love her very much, I don't think this was safe.


Posts: 81 | Registered: Apr 2013
seethelight
♀ Member
Member # 43513
Default  Posted: 10:13 AM, July 16th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No. It will not make your wife feel safe.

It will appear in her mind that on some unconscious level the OW is still on your mind, and that you miss her and desire her.

Also, why do you think you picked up that particular cup?


“If two people truly have feelings for one another then they don’t have an affair. They get a divorce and they sort out their feelings. You are accountable for the people you hold hostage in a marriage when your mind and heart refuse to fully commit

Posts: 1369 | Registered: May 2014
Apple3point14
♂ Member
Member # 39035
Default  Posted: 10:23 AM, July 16th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I didn't pick up a cup I literally read three or 4 cups of sitting next each other and her name was in one of them.

Posts: 81 | Registered: Apr 2013
seethelight
♀ Member
Member # 43513
Default  Posted: 10:26 AM, July 16th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Have you asked yourself why you felt the need to read the names on the cups?

Were you triggered unconsciously by seeing the OW's name in your peripheral vision?

How did you wife take it?

If she hasn't said anything. I would just let it go, unless and until she brings it up.

If you harp on it, she make think you're obsessing about the OW.

If she is angry about it, you need to find a way to show her that you no longer care about the OW.


“If two people truly have feelings for one another then they don’t have an affair. They get a divorce and they sort out their feelings. You are accountable for the people you hold hostage in a marriage when your mind and heart refuse to fully commit

Posts: 1369 | Registered: May 2014
JanaGreen
♀ Member
Member # 29341
Default  Posted: 10:29 AM, July 16th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ouch, I'm cringing for you.

I know that was unintentional. I also know it probably went over like a lead balloon.

Did you guys talk about it afterward.


We're both in our 30s. One awesome 4-year-old daughter.

Posts: 6808 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Somewhere in the South
JLyn1128
♀ Member
Member # 41915
Default  Posted: 10:34 AM, July 16th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This post really got to me. Mainly because it's an insight into the WH mindset. I can only speak for myself, but I have a feeling I'm not alone... I think he thinks about the OW all day, every day. It doesn't matter what the reality is. Because I think about her all day, every day. Everything reminds me of her. Her name, tv shows with people having sex in cars..even the music station we were listening to the other day when there were FIVE SONGS in a ROW that sang about her blue eyes... baby blue eyes...big blue eyes....deep blue eyes. WTF is it with men and blue eyes???? I can usually let the triggers go by and out of my head as fast as they came in... but 5 songs in a row blew the whole day for me. But I didn't let him know it. He wants me to feel safe, too. The fact that I don't is not something he can change over night. Nothing he can say or do will make it go away any faster than it will. I hope it's just a time thing. You didn't say how she responded to hearing you say her name. I guess the question in my head, whether or not I verbalized it, would have been... DO YOU think of her? Was is a subconscious thing that you were drawn to the mugs because you saw her name? I'm told feeling safe again can only come in time. I hope that's true. You can only keep trying to treat her with respect and assurance. But only time will tell. And we know that.


Me BSO 62
Him WSO 62
Together 29 years, living together 17. He's been with her off and on for half of that.
OW - Available. Thinks 'love' is in the way he looks at her.
Status - R and hopeful

Posts: 95 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: CA
Apple3point14
♂ Member
Member # 39035
Default  Posted: 10:45 AM, July 16th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for your responses.
STL, I wasn't triggered, I didn't initially see her name, it was several cups down and it just came out. I address it to my wife right there in the hardware store.
I absolutely never think about old W.
I sometimes speak faster than my brain works, I think sometimes I want to date to go so well that I just want to talk. I am looking into that.

Posts: 81 | Registered: Apr 2013
Apple3point14
♂ Member
Member # 39035
Default  Posted: 10:47 AM, July 16th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Jana, it didn't go over well. Just because it's an accident, you don't do it on purpose that doesn't mean it's okay. I need to think faster than I talk.

Posts: 81 | Registered: Apr 2013
Schadenfreude
♂ Member
Member # 43075
Default  Posted: 10:51 AM, July 16th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It doesn't have to be OW to set it off. One time I casually mentioned to W that she and exGF (whom she'd met) had the same birthday. I'd been thinking of W's upcoming birthday,,but she didn't se it that way. She thought I'd been hi king about exgf. It was a chilly few days, and I don't know that she ever believed me that it was spontaneous "what a coincidence" type,of thought.

Posts: 892 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Midwest
Apple3point14
♂ Member
Member # 39035
Default  Posted: 10:52 AM, July 16th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

J lynn,
When she heard me say that she was obviously upset. And I don't blame her. I feel as a W. H is my job to not make fuck-ups like that. There just is no excuse,

Posts: 81 | Registered: Apr 2013
Apple3point14
♂ Member
Member # 39035
Default  Posted: 10:54 AM, July 16th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

schadenfreude- I hear
Where you're coming from. But as a W. H. Is my responsibility to think I head that way.

Posts: 81 | Registered: Apr 2013
Apple3point14
♂ Member
Member # 39035
Default  Posted: 11:10 AM, July 16th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't think the problem is that I spoke her name. It's that I didn't process before I spoke her name. It went from eyeballs to mouth with no thought in between. I do want to be safe for my wife, how could I have let this happen

And this reminds her of my affairs. I didn't think about her during my affairs, it was poor impulse control and only selfish actions.
I believe that she is worried that I didn't think of when I was cheating, during the drive over to her house I thought of nothing. When I should've been thinking of the hell I'm bringing on the family. This is the type of disconnect from mouth to bring that she is concerned about. That I am concerned about. I believe I need to slow down.


Posts: 81 | Registered: Apr 2013
Summerluv123
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Member # 43876
Default  Posted: 11:12 AM, July 16th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Apple~ I would have triggered me, but I am getting better at talking about things like this with my WH.

What is bad for me is that my WH's last A was with a woman that has the same name as a popular fast food restaurant - think of a girl with red hair and pig tails - just don't want to type her name...
That is a place we like to eat and if WH suggests there to eat, it turns my stomach. It will probably be a long time before I eat there again. It does make me think he is thinking about her, but I really think he is not. He is pretty ashamed that he even had an interest in her now that he is out of the fog.

I would say just talk about it, just don't over-talk about it.


BW - 46 (me)
WH - 47
M - 28 yrs
Together - 30 yrs
2 kids - over 18
3 A's - 2000, 2012 and 6/14
Hopeful for R (lots of therapy!!)

Posts: 84 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Southern US
Apple3point14
♂ Member
Member # 39035
Default  Posted: 11:18 AM, July 16th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Summer,
I imagine that your husband meant nothing when he suggested to go to that restaurant.

Things like that May not seem like a big deal, but if one is really trying to be careful and be safe for their spouse it might not happen.

[This message edited by Apple3point14 at 11:20 AM, July 16th (Wednesday)]


Posts: 81 | Registered: Apr 2013
Apple3point14
♂ Member
Member # 39035
Default  Posted: 11:20 AM, July 16th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Or at least it will stop happening

Posts: 81 | Registered: Apr 2013
painfulpast
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Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 11:33 AM, July 16th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Apple3point14. One thing I'm noticing in this thread is that it's all about how YOU feel about this. YOU want to make her safe. YOU need to slow down. Even when asked how your BS reacted, you gave a very high level answer.

My point? I think right now your thoughts should be on actively making your wife feel safe, meaning telling her you're sorry for this. Explaining that you didn't even see that name as you were reading the cups. Maybe getting a cup with your BW's name on it, fill it with flowers, and give her a note saying something like "the only name I ever want to say', or something else to address and try to turn the situation around for your wife. Do you need to make your wife feel safe? Yes, and it's great that you're concerned with that - but if it were me, I'd want more than my WH's acknowledgement that he needs to slow down. I'd want him to actively try to make this 'not so bad' if that makes sense.

For what it's worth, and from someone much farther out than you and your BS, accidents happen. Soon enough, you'll almost have a 'block' on that name. I wouldn't worry too much about slowing down. Anything OW related will just be removed from your vocabulary all together. I don't say this because I think you're still hung up on her and that when you aren't these things won't happen. I say this because, after a couple of these incidents, your mind will be on autopilot to NOT let such things just come out of your mouth.


The stones from my enemies, these wounds will mend
but I cannot survive the roses from my friends

Posts: 1898 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
Lark
♀ Member
Member # 43773
Default  Posted: 11:41 AM, July 16th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Did you guys talk about your wife's feelings?

I think those kinds of situations - not this in particular but some kind of situation where the WS will F* up and do/say something unintentionally that triggers - will happen in any relationship that is trying to R after an affair.

My co-author and teammate has the same name as my husband's OW2. Every time I see her name in my email, I cringe. Every time I relay something to my husband about what she has said/done for our research, I cringe and my husband cringes. We have talked about it, I have snapped at him that he "should have chosen a F*buddy who didn't share a name with someone I work with.."

But what, realistically, can I do? We talk about it, we're triggering together and trying to work through it, but importantly - he asks how I feel about it and tries to make me feel safer.

As a side note, my father had multiple names while married to my mother - I happen to have the same name as the woman he was cheating on my mom with at the time that she was pregnant with me (my mom picked my name, though). I can only imagine how hard that was for my mom after finding out and having a child named it


“It is our choices, Harry, that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.” - Dumbledore

Posts: 724 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: California
kiki1
♀ Member
Member # 37184
Default  Posted: 11:46 AM, July 16th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

While this could have been an avoidable situation, I dont think never mentioning ow's/om's name again is possible.

I sometimes cringe when I hear wh say either ow's name, but we know more than one person with those names. I'll hate those names for the rest of my life, but i cant avoid using them.

Unfortunately, when dday hit, my boss shared the same name as ow#1. Ugh. I could not call her that. I often wonder if she was curious as to why I suddenly started to call her "boss" and not her real name. Yuck. I hate those two names. But i cant avoid either using them or hearing them.

I mentioned to wh last night that someone was angry at work due to being "cheated" and he became upset, claiming i was throwing it out there to be mean. Really? I have to avoid certain words to protect your feelings? i dont think so. I suggested we make a list of words each of us would like to avoid. I'm guessing mine would have more than "cheated" on it.

Its most of the time unavoidable and unnessacery. Its better to be able to speak freely and get past it than try to dance around particular words.

Apple, the most you can do is apologize for your flub. Is your bw responsive and accepting of that?


Posts: 617 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: new york
Apple3point14
♂ Member
Member # 39035
Default  Posted: 12:05 PM, July 16th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

PAINFUL PAST.this should be a bout my wife. I have told her how sorry I am And told het it was an accident, and over that with her. I know that she believes me, but I wish I had a better filter. I wish I could foresee hurting her better.

These things are very painful to her. She doesn't care about hearing the name, she cares that I didn't have enough fore thought to not say it. Im working hard in this.

[This message edited by Apple3point14 at 12:33 PM, July 16th (Wednesday)]


Posts: 81 | Registered: Apr 2013
Lovedyoumore
♀ Member
Member # 35593
Default  Posted: 12:08 PM, July 16th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The one whose name shall not be uttered in my presence....

Once, just once, after DDay, my H said her name. It felt like fiery poison coming from his mouth, hearing him say her name. I gave him a very visceral reaction of true disgust and forbade him to ever use her given name. We chose a name that rhymes with her actual name from a Harry Potter movie to use when referring to her.

Even innocent slips can hurt like hell, but know you know better, do better. Own it, learn from it, and move on. Let your wife know that while you understand her reaction, you are less confident in your own reactions to anything A related. I think you probably were just being thoughtless, as in, no thoughts about it at the time. From now on, think and have a thought before blurting out.


Me 52
WH 52
Married 30+ years
Together trying to R

I tell people I am tired but really my heart is broken and I am sad.


Posts: 1526 | Registered: May 2012 | From: Southern, bless your heart
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