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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: How Likely is it to R after D?
MakingMyFuture
♀ Member
Member # 43530
Default  Posted: 12:04 AM, July 17th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel like I have to divorce my husband (just discovered online affair from 1 1/2 years ago was actually PA, and during R until april of this year he was still reaching out to her/pining for her). I gave him every oppty to come clean/rebuild and made it clear i could handle it/not break if it had really been a PA, but if I discovered later that he had still lied it would definitely be a D.

So now here I am. I feel like for either one of us to respect me, I need to carry through on what I said. At the same time, there is still a small shred of hope that we could R.

So I'm thinking, maybe D on paper to get a clean start, but not tell anyone (especially kids/family) and let him live here and completely start from scratch on relationship and then decide if we want to remarry again in the future?

Is that crazy? Or once you go down the path of D and it's finalized is it pretty much a done deal? I don't want to start the process and have that kill what little hope there is for us, but I also can't and don't want to let this latest bullshit go.

[This message edited by MakingMyFuture at 12:05 AM, July 17th (Thursday)]


When people show you who they really are, believe them - Maya Angelou

DDay 1 - 1/13, False Recovery Discovered more + Broken NC so DDay2= 7/14

9/9/14: filed for divorce

BW: 42 (me)
WH: 40 (him)
DD-10, DS-8


Posts: 102 | Registered: May 2014
sunvalley
♀ Member
Member # 42952
Default  Posted: 5:10 AM, July 17th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think you need to do what works for you. I have seen others on here who chose to D, but still R. For them it was a clean slate of sorts and starting over, I totally get that but in my case wasn't willing to go through the process of D and the cost so it's just personal choices. My only concern is if the D will be enough for him to be truly remorseful and want to R properly with you. Even if you D, it does not guarantee that he will 'get it'. You had a 2nd Dday in April, has he shown signs of remorse or are you expecting the D to be the trigger for him to wake up? I think if he isn't showing true signs of remorse, and you feel D is the way you need to go, then you have to do it with no expectations. IF he is willing to R, IF he is truly remorseful, then you can work together on R after D. It has been done before.


Dday July 2013
Me: BW mid 30s
Him: WH mid 30s
4PAs, multiple online As

Posts: 703 | Registered: Mar 2014
bionicgal
♀ Member
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 7:52 AM, July 17th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If you have kids, and your husband is willing and capable of fixing his issues, then why go through the face-saving divorce thing, unless you are certain that is what you want? I mean, you are not punishing a child for errant behavior.

Instead of the wasted time, energy and expense of a divorce that that is "just because you said you would," how about working hard for a year to figure out if you still want to be married to this guy? And if you don't, then divorce him cleanly, neatly, and somewhat happily. The rest sounds like games and ego stuff to me, quite frankly. Just my opinion.


me - BS (40s)
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA then PA
In MC & Reconciling
An affair is a personal crisis, not a relationship.

I edit, therefore I am.


Posts: 2081 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
lynnm1947
♀ Member
Member # 15300
Default  Posted: 10:28 AM, July 17th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

A European friend of mine walked in on his wife with OM. He publicly divorced her; everybody--friends, family--knew why. After several years apart, they have been back living together (apparently happy; he e-mailed me yesterday lovely photos of their latest vacation) for probably 10 years. So, yes, it can be done, though I know of no data on how common/rare the situation is. They have NOT re-married, though.


Age: 64..ummmmmmm, no...............65....no...oh, hell born in 1947. You figure it out!

"I could have missed the pain, but I would have had to miss the dance." Garth Brooks


Posts: 7306 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Toronto, Canada
MindMonkey
♂ Member
Member # 41679
Default  Posted: 11:29 AM, July 17th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm seriously thinking about the same thing.

WW cheated on me twice and after the first time I told her I'd divorce if she did it again. And here I am not divorcing, like a chump.

I'd do it to save face and ensure she won't take half my pension. Sad as it is, that was a reason for not D right away. She swears she won't touch it but the only way to know is to get a signed divorce decree.

But I would tell people. And I don't think I would re-marry the GFXFWW. How much would that suck to add another W in front of all that?


BH, 35, CoD, Military...sober since 6/17/14
FWW, EA/PA (x2) different OM coworkers
Reconciling since 8/1/13
100% ready to file at next dealbreaker...don't test me.

Posts: 209 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: NoVA
Bigger
♂ Member
Member # 8354
Default  Posted: 11:41 AM, July 17th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Doubt it’s realistically feasible.

You need to go through all the legal hassle of dividing debts, assets, pensions, arranging custody and all that. Even with mediation and amicable attitudes then it’s going to cost a lot. Plus it could impact health insurance, benefits, access in case of medical issues, and inheritance in case of death…

Instead – if you want to be with him – I would suggest a post-nuptial agreement more or less outlining a division of assets and divorce conditions.


"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

Posts: 5565 | Registered: Sep 2005
Rebreather
♀ Member
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 11:51 AM, July 17th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just don't understand this at all. I mean, I get it. You feel like a chump and you are angry and it's nightmare. But divorce is a serious thing. And to have it be a quiet divorce nobody knows about? That seems like a lot of effort for no particular reason.

Wouldn't your time and energy be better spent devoting it to a healthy recovery? You can learn ways to manager your pain and anger. And it will lessen over time. Your wayward can atone for his terrible choices and become a strong, true, authentic partner.

Pride really has no place in reconciling. If you want to reconcile, then reconcile. If you want to divorce him, then divorce him. But a fakey divorce is bizarre to me. But your spouse has a TON of work to do on himself to make him a safe partner for you.

That said, if I found out my spouse was lying to be about something significant these many years later, I would divorce him in a split second.


Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Recovering.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6569 | Registered: Jan 2011
seethelight
♀ Member
Member # 43513
Default  Posted: 11:53 AM, July 17th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Makingmyfuture:

I think YOU need to do whatever you think will make your future feel more secure to you.

I have read of many people who have ONLY been able to reconcile after divorce.

It seems the cold reality of the actual divorce and living apart is often exactly what the wayard needs to snap him back to reality.

It will cost money, and it may be inconvenient, but in the end, sometimes, it is the only thing that will show the wayward that you mean it when you say infidelity is a deal breaker.

Sometimes, I see here that the waywards that are forgiven too easily slip right back into there old patterns of thinking.

It may take five years, ten years or six months, but they are back at misbehaving by disrespecting the marriage and the faithful spouse.

I think sometimes a divorce is a cold splash of water that finally wakes them up to real love and a real life marriage.

Also, IMO, divorcing and remarriage is the only way to regain a sense of power for some people.

Then, it is THEIR decision to remarry the wayward.

Sometimes it seems, after reading cases where the spouse continues to cheat or break NC, that they think the faithful spouse is a sucker that they can continue to disrespect.

I think if you feel it's the best path, then trust your gut.


“If two people truly have feelings for one another then they don’t have an affair. They get a divorce and they sort out their feelings. You are accountable for the people you hold hostage in a marriage when your mind and heart refuse to fully commit

Posts: 1457 | Registered: May 2014
ILINIA
♀ Member
Member # 39836
Default  Posted: 12:30 PM, July 17th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh honey, I struggle with this as well. It is ALWAYS in the back of my mind. I realize now that from the beginning WH spent a lot of energy hiding himself from me and eventually that turned into viewing me as a parent figure and then resenting me for years. I thought we were good, better than average! I married him only knowing a fraction of him and what he wanted me to see. I get those were his coping skills and I know neither one of us was perfect, therefore, without going into our entire history, I don't feel attached to our previous marriage nor am I really attached to the idea of marriage anymore.

I would suggest just talking to a lawyer if you haven't. I think even being educated on the process and the laws is helpful, because then you really know what is involved and how expensive and messy it can get. You may decide it isn't worth it and decide to just focus on R.

After we talked to lawyers, we did a postnup. I know there are many who don't think they will hold up in court, but the communication process and talking about all scenarios was freeing for me. Also, it brought me a sense of peace. Our postnup is pretty simple and helps to ensure that my financial situation will be relatively the same if we D or if we D and stay living together. I didn't want to feel pressure to stay together or not based on finances. Also, there is a trust factor involved, so if he was willing to do this for me that meant that he was trying to rebuild the trust that was lost.

As for the head, heart and gut....man I long to D, so I can just shut the door and start over with no pressure. Also, I have a hard time knowing I am legally attached to him and his decisions. He choose to do something without one thought of how it would impact our family, finances, and future. WH had an A with a much younger COW who was his mentee, therefore, there was a possibility that this could have gotten really ugly and public. There could have been a lawsuit and everything could have been in jeopardy. It is hard for me to let that go. Since I can only control myself and not him, there are lingering feelings of mistrust and feeling unsafe. We are 13 months past dday, so I don't think that is too abnormal. D seems like a way to add a level of protection and security for me that I never knew I needed before.

We have two kids (8&9) as well, so like you, it isn't a simple decision. WH and I have discussed many scenarios ranging from R, D or S, under the same roof or not, going public or keeping it private, D or just doing an end of marriage ceremony, and if we D would we remarry or just recommit?

I know not everyone thinks or feels the same way and I know some people are going to read this and wonder why I put so much energy into thinking how I should end a marriage, only so so we can only go forward....I get it, it does sound crazy.

I think we are searching for peace, security, and to regain some control and we don't know if D or S will help, but sometimes it seems safer than just R. Again, I'm at 13 months and I have thought about this a lot, but I have no idea if this feeling will subside at some point.

Sending you strength!

[This message edited by ILINIA at 12:39 PM, July 17th (Thursday)]


Entering R slowly and cautiously...

Posts: 501 | Registered: Jul 2013
seethelight
♀ Member
Member # 43513
Default  Posted: 12:38 PM, July 17th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know not everyone thinks or feels the same way and I know some people are going to read this and wonder why I put so much energy into thinking how I should end a marriage, only so so we can only go forward....I get it, it does sound crazy.

I think we are searching for peace, security, and to regain some control and we don't know if D or S will help, but sometimes it seems safer than just R. Again, I'm at 13 months and I have thought about D since day one, but I have no idea if this feeling will subside at some point.

Sending you strength!

^^^^Well said:

I am two plus years out and I think of divorcing still.

I just don't feel safe in the old marriage and many times I think the only way to really begin with a new marriage is to actually divorce, date, and then decide if he's the one I want to grow old with.

I, too, have young children.

I, too, want to send you strength.


“If two people truly have feelings for one another then they don’t have an affair. They get a divorce and they sort out their feelings. You are accountable for the people you hold hostage in a marriage when your mind and heart refuse to fully commit

Posts: 1457 | Registered: May 2014
heartbroken0903
♀ Member
Member # 27879
Default  Posted: 1:31 PM, July 17th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have read of many people who have ONLY been able to reconcile after divorce.
It seems the cold reality of the actual divorce and living apart is often exactly what the wayard needs to snap him back to reality.

Yep, this was us.

We have been divorced for 4+ years, reconciling for 2+. Remarrying soon. It can be done and I think this marriage will be very different from the previous.

That being said: our divorce was out in the open, as was the reason for it. We also didn't have kids or financial connections. Things would not have been so neat & tidy were that not the case.


Me: XWS, 30s, 5-month EA/PA in '09-'10
Husband: XBS, 40s
No kids

Married 2.5 years
D-day 3/6/10
Divorced 5/14/10

Remarried.


Posts: 2247 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: the cat's meow
MakingMyFuture
♀ Member
Member # 43530
Default  Posted: 2:01 PM, July 17th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My Second DDay was actually two days ago. I found out AP had been in area twice during online affair staying at hotel near my house (they moved thousands of miles away). I confronted and found out that yes, for Dday 1 which I thought was just email, photos, videos, and phone sex (because of distance) was actually physical. So there is the lie/escalation of what had happened previously. In that same conversation I found out well into recovery, they had set up another email account and sent ILY, can't stop thinking about you messages to each other until April of this year. So affair actually stopped in April (which coincidentally is when we really stared doing a lot better).

So he was making half assed effort since DDay in 1/2012. Since Underground communication stopped in April he has been amazing. We have really started connecting, talking, etc. and I had finally gotten past so much of the hurt/anger. Now I find out that until just a few months ago he was still reaching out to her.

So is he remorseful? yes, is he willing to do anything and everything to save our marriage now? Yes. He feels like shit because he is finally totally invested. I sent him to hotel the last two nights, despite us having $, he slept in a car 'because I don't deserve a hotel' . So yeah, real remorse, says he was completely crazy at the time, didn't really love her, disgusted by what he's done blablabla.

I said, you make it sound like you were a mess, confused, crazy back when full blown affair was going on, but you JUST EMAILED HER 3 MONTHS AGO!

I can't imagine having to share custody with my kids and not growing old together with him and all of that. But at a personal integrity, self worth, etc. level I feel like I have to divorce him. But with everything that had already happened, I knew he had issues and was in some ways a POS. so frankly, finding this out hasn't hurt as much as I would have thought, I'm more hurt that I feel like I have no choice to divorce because he has backed me into a corner, and there is only so much forgiveness and tolerance one person can offer...I feel like if I offer forgiveness again, it would make me pathetic.

I can't stand the idea of telling my kids and having to force them to live through our divorce.


When people show you who they really are, believe them - Maya Angelou

DDay 1 - 1/13, False Recovery Discovered more + Broken NC so DDay2= 7/14

9/9/14: filed for divorce

BW: 42 (me)
WH: 40 (him)
DD-10, DS-8


Posts: 102 | Registered: May 2014
1Faith
♀ Member
Member # 38975
Default  Posted: 2:09 PM, July 17th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel like for either one of us to respect me

^^This...

If nothing changes, nothing changes.

I can't stand the idea of telling my kids and having to force them to live through our divorce

Your WH should own this as it is HIS actions that have brought you to this possible outcome.

I am sorry you are here again. I am sorry your WH did not accept your gift of R.

Stay strong. You deserve more/better.

[This message edited by 1Faith at 2:17 PM, July 17th (Thursday)]


"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it." - Maya Angelou

Posts: 1222 | Registered: Apr 2013
momoftana
♀ Member
Member # 17383
Default  Posted: 6:39 AM, July 18th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So I'm thinking, maybe D on paper to get a clean start, but not tell anyone (especially kids/family)

I see things differently than a lot of people. There's no way I would subject myself & children to the process of divorce and keep his dirty little secrets. The light of truth needs to be everywhere, or IMO reconcilliation is doomed.


Posts: 170 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: florida
Topic Posts: 14

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