I'm a newbie here and am so glad to have found this forum. I am struggling right now with everything I did last year and am really hoping for R.
I had a 3 month PA with someone I met through work. He is D but in a long distance relationship with the OW who he left his XW for. I know right, what a guy to get involved with.
BH found out in a terrible way - I went to a party where AP was and we stayed out drinking until about 5am. BH was worried about where I was and tried to find me through my phone and discovered my secret email account. I feel so terrible about the pain i put him through that night.
We tried R but I was in a crazy fog, I didn't know if I loved BH. I broke NC when AP first got in touch with me after a month. I broke it again a month later, again a couple of months afterwards when things were really bad between BH and me and this time I had sex with AP. Things were really bad because I was still thinking about and sporadically in contact with AP I know. BH also had a ONS at this time, which i totally understand him doing given my awful behaviour. We finally separated in January 14 when he found out I had another secret email account and had met AP for a drink. The terrible thing was I knew I wanted to cut everything off with AP in November but I was too weak to do it.
We went to MC during this time but looking back she concentrated a lot on BH's anger and not so much on what I had done. I don't think it actually helped us that much.
Writing all this down in black and white is horrible. It really brings it home to me again what I was and what I did.
We were separated for 2 months. In that time I realised how awful I had been and I really woke up. I did have an email exchange with AP at a time when I thought there was no hope for R but then I realised for once in my life I had to do the right thing and I stopped it totally and haven't looked back.
Since then I have been working hard on myself, going to IC and working on what led me to this. I feel like I'm a different person to what I was last year. I know that was me who made those terrible choices again and again but i feel like it was the darkest parts of me, not the whole me. I love BH and my kids and I never want to go down that road again. I feel so much shame and remorse for what I did and who I became. I wish I could turn back time but I cannot and can only mend myself and do the things I should have been doing a year ago. I'm just so sad
AP recently got in touch. I told BH and he wanted to phone him so I ended up telling him about the last time I slept with AP, which he didn't know about. I couldn't let him phone AP not knowing everything. Now I feel like R is back to square one if not worse than before. I'm just so sad that I broke our marriage.
I'm so grateful that BH is still here although at the moment I know he's not really here in spirit. He doesn't want to touch me since he found out about the last time with AP. I understand. Last night I read the whole thread on ICR about respect for WW and it really depressed me...
So that's my long and horrible story. I just hope we can get through it.