AFTER 17 MONTHS:
I am going through a rough patch after discovering the porno looking (though promised not too) this kind of habit is hard to break I know. Even the mMC cautioned me that it may happen again...and it did...it was just looking when stress. Since then we have thingsin place that block the stuff...at least it is hard to get at and he seems to better understand what it feels like to me.
In the mean time I have been so busy with work and hadn't really time to digest it all. I have had emotional breaks over little things (he said something the wrong way or something little I just couldn't let go) and they have turned into big cries and I know it is because I am still at 17 months very hurt by the affairs. I wish it would all go away and I could just feel natural with him again...but I also know that we are doing well in R and I would never want to do back to the not 100% marriage of before the A,s.
I get tired of struggling with my feelings all the time. I want to let the little stuff go ...that is just normal life kind of stuff...and I do not want to make everything about the As...I am having trouble controlling that but I want to because in the end it just keeps ME sad...
I am working on trying to respond rather than react. I need a way to get the emotions out of the little stuff and not let them spiral in to sad and angry thoughts of the As...this just leads to emotional outbursts....
I almost feel like I am back sliding. Just after the A's I was all ready and willing and taking action to get counseling and read and try and love him and go on, but I am in a strange rough patch now...it is so much better, and we are going on, but that "going on" somehow just doesn't feel right....I feel afraid that he will leave me and give up, though rational mind says that this will not happen, emotions are quite another story.
I want to move on more, just to love him, really let it go, be happy...not so happy now..did all that "gratitude thing"...it never seems to END...does it end? Am I strange still going though these emotions after 17 months?
Things that I would NEVER had been suspicious of before, suddenly my imagination takes over...I get lost in my "what if he is and I don't know again" pattern...(not affair, porn this time)....so tired of not feeling trust where I felt it so NATURALLY before.
Can I control, calm emotions more....how to do this?