We CAN change!!!! We have to choose differently.
We can, however, choose to have a plan....and repeat that prayer over and over asking for the serenity to accept things we cannot change, the courage to change the things we can and the wisdom to know the difference.
His consequences are underneath and behind closed doors - and sometimes, those are more painful then the public ones.
As for those traffic jams which used to really piss me off, I've learned to keep books on tape in the car now and consider the wait a chance to catch up on my reading.
To give the very short version, these are my issues: I hate his job, I hate the life his job tethers me to, I hate that he hasn't had any significant consequences or losses. He still has his job, his standing in the community, his family and me.
How restricted are you in life b/c of his job...what do you want to change and how can you change it? I do understand the kids come first but as a mom, you have a great responsibility to be happy and productive and be a role model for them and that means being the person you want to be. Taking control of what you can...you.
There is no way for him to experience the kind of pain you have...it is not fair, but nothing is like the blindsided shock of infidelity. But, he DID lose a lot...he may not know it yet, but he did.
This is what I love about SI. Throwing my broken heart out there and having all of you compassionately pick it up and say "yeah...me too. Now let's keep moving forward."
I have such crazy mad love for strangers who I only know as screen names and stories. Thank you all for holding me up in my moment(s) of weakness.
I owe lots of responses but I have this J O B that's getting in the way of that today!! So until then, big hugs to all of you who are feeling the same way and sincere thanks to those of you who have shared your words of wisdom.
Rebreather, Rachel, TG, Blake...you four in particular continually sustain me with your words. And hope. And accountability.
Sharing ones story often times helps another write theirs.
That is what support groups excel at.
Journaling helped me BUILD anxiety...not good. my analytical self would start to journal and then the words flowed into stories with lots of assumptions. Perhaps I could try again and NOT do that...but I learned early on that I must get outside of myself to get healthy. I did my own walling off since my childhood too. SI posting helps me do just that...I get out of myself, especially on those posts where I attempt to comfort others.
"The way of fools seems right to them, but the wise listen to advice." Proverbs 12:15 NIV.
I soooo undervalued and underinvested in fellowshipping with my friends. My first DD brought that fact front and center!
Gentle reminder....watch your boundaries with opposite sex interactions. That "crazy mad love" thing can be a temptation to your own destructive choices. I am projecting here a lot because I think I wrestled with RA more than most BS....but felt like nudging you a bit on this too.
[This message edited by blakesteele at 4:25 PM, July 18th (Friday)]
They got the last laugh and I got stuck picking up the pieces. Covering their A so all the kids involved weren't hurt.
He sold her out on DD. Telling me everythg that could cause her to lose her job. She met w me- she didn't want him. She wants her H who has $. She's not "willing to give up her lifestyle for my H". Her H sucks, so she has affairs to make herself feel good---her words exactly.
I get the choice now. Do I accept a H who wants to R? Or do I call it off and have my kids wonder wth is wrong w me, as our M always seemed good in their eyes.
R is ok 8 months out. We are communicating and closer than ever. He is remorseful and doing everything to show me he wants this M. But.. What if I no longer want to be married to a dishonest man? It's on me. All on me. And lucky me. I not only suffered in a crappy marriage while he had his two yr A, I got a broken heart and this great distrusting feeling of society and now if I choose I can't be with this man, I'll get to watch my children crumble.
Yup, this is the life I live, thanks to two selfish human beings
However, this feeling really does fade over time, with continued work by both of you. Now I'm like, "meh, that sucked." (90% of the time ) It's kinda in the rearview mirror, yknow? And getting smaller.
And he still WORKS with her! So there's hope.
Not much to add, other than to say that while I would never, ever have chosen this path, that we all have trials, and we all suffer. We don't get to pick the painless path. Pain, loss and fear of the unknown find us. I feel like my goal is to learn from what happens, and be the best person that I can.
So, 918, your post sounds to me like you should allow yourself the happy. We are all healing. And I think ya'll are the best.
What do I want to do? And do I think healing would come as a result of leaving?
I want to live a happy, healthy life. I do think I would heal if I left because it would be a chance to start over, likely with someone new in the future. However, I recognize that leaving introduces a whole new set of hurts that come from broken and blended families.
To FixYous point, I do find that I live a much more authentic life now so that is a major benefit. Could I continue that on my own? Absolutely.
(((StunnedMullet))) it really sucks.
Flatlined. You summed it up perfectly. I do feel like it's a life sentence and it's so suffocating sometimes.
(((Itsaclimb))) I'm sorry you feel the same way. :-( also, you totally nailed me on my tag line. I busted out laughing!! Oh irony!
Rachel - I relate to your posts so much. I feel like the life you have is what mine looks like in the future. You also raise an interesting point. I just think about getting my kids grown. But it's hard to think of leaving after that too, for the reasons you raise. Someone else getting to enjoy the time with them as adults that isn't me. And to punish ourselves further for something someone else did seems unfair too. Is it enough for me? Probably not.
Neverwuda...if we were in the same state, I'd swear we have the same therapist. All valid points.
Blake...your comment about good roommates vs committed marriage partners is what I worry about. I see us getting to that point. I honestly feel less married and more that we are just on the same team, playing toward the same goal. Sometimes it feels more like an arranged marriage than anything. I know it's more on my side than anything. My husband is very loving and passionate towards me. I just don't always reciprocate those feelings. Poor guy.
TG...I know you're right but it absolutely afforded him the opportunity and he's still there. I equate it to an alcoholic running the bar. There's just too much opportunity and he hasn't proven himself trustworthy to handle it.
Undefinabl3...my MC and I have been working through these same issues for two years. She extends a lot of compassion. She also sees me stuck and is trying to get me unstuck. The rest of your comments your spot on about. It's the fairness factor for me. I want him to hurt, I want him to bleed, I want him to pay. And you're right about his consequences. My husband has said he's merely in the landscape of the marriage because of the choices he's made. I know he does feel pain. Just not like I do.
Rebreather...you left me speechless. And encouraged. Thank you. I think I must be on the five year track as well. I love the imagery of the pearl. And your tag line...the cure for the pain is the pain. Indeed. I wish you could fast forward us too!
Shero...I've thought the same about that song. I certainly was completely unprepared for the realities of marriage. Oh, to go back and do it over with what I know now!!
Alex...you're exactly right. And they have to live with themselves.
Crossroads...he's a police officer tied to his job for a couple of reasons - he's older, so starting over would be hard. He's in a retirement system that wouldn't transfer to another dept/state so he would essentially have to start his 20 years over. And because of what he's done, he likely wouldn't get hired by another dept because it shows a serious lapse in judgement. So, I'm stuck. Until he retires. I can't take the kids because we would have shared custody. And SO many people in the dept know so I feel like I'm just labeled as "the wife that got cheated on by another cheating officer" and will be as long as he's in that dept. Plus that's where the OW are. Yay. :-( I have put myself first but there's only so much control I have over the direction of my life because we share children.
Blake...thanks for the reminder. I do need to always watch those boundaries!!
HMH...yes to all of what you wrote. There are no good options. It's so frustrating.
ITIC...can't wait to get to the "meh". :-)
Bionicgal...I think you summed it up beautifully. And I hope you are enjoying your vacation!!!
Yes! My IC helped me discover my Short Term Energy Relieving Behaviors (STERBS)… things that I compulsively do to mute emotional pain. Mine was isolation. Now I know what I'm doing when I do it and try hard to stop, but it's hard. Being isolated in my house and in my own head is not good for me. SI has helped me so much with this. The people you named and others have been my Emergency Room so many times and they don't even know it. I sit and cry sometimes and wish I could hug them and pour out my gratitude.
Meaning in Suffering… the people on SI (and creators of SI) helping each other are giving the gift of healing to so many others.
I'm sorry I t/j a bit. I just wanted to second what you said, 918Mama.
And I'm glad SI has been so cathartic for you as well!!