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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: The price you pay for the live you live
Alex CR
♀ Member
Member # 27968
Default  Posted: 10:48 AM, July 18th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Almost five years out....and H's public and professional life haven't changed at all due to his five year LTA, in fact he is at the top of his career. Our marriage was blown up and my life, or what I thought was my life, was forever changed.

We CAN change!!!! We have to choose differently.

Blakesteele has it right though. I strongly believe we control our destiny through our own thoughts and actions. We are in the driver's seat and it's up to us how we view our lives --which road we go down. Whether people we love hurt us, the people we work with talk behind our backs or we're stuck in that traffic jam that makes us late, how we choose to respond can determine whether it will break us, make us stronger or be an opportunity to learn something new. We can scream and yell and beat our heads.....we can swear at the cars slowing us down, but in the end, it doesn't change anything.

We can, however, choose to have a plan....and repeat that prayer over and over asking for the serenity to accept things we cannot change, the courage to change the things we can and the wisdom to know the difference.

His consequences are underneath and behind closed doors - and sometimes, those are more painful then the public ones.

My H felt like a fake for a long time. When other people complimented him he would talk to me about the embarrassment, the shame he felt. I think, like Undefinabl3 said above, they are living with the knowledge inside that they've done something awful and potentially unforgivable. We choose or choose not to live with the fallout of their actions, but they have to live with themselves, day in and day out.

As for those traffic jams which used to really piss me off, I've learned to keep books on tape in the car now and consider the wait a chance to catch up on my reading.


BS Me 61
WS Him 62
Married 33
Together 40
DD 11/16/09
The future looks good....

Posts: 1723 | Registered: Mar 2010
hopefull77
♀ Member
Member # 43221
Default  Posted: 10:51 AM, July 18th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When they say this is hard they are right....2-5 years....I believe it! But that being said there are lots of good times to be had when both parties are on board....
my H was a miserable man during his A...he is no longer miserable...dday for him was a relief.....he was not strong enough to end it on his own...he would also be the first one to say he didn't get away with it...he's embarrassed and ashamed...and extremeley remorseful ....this helps me. I don't want to live in the past...
I have read veterans here write about how they have overcome triggery places and things....I feel this happening slowly but surely...
Stay the course...I totally understand how you feel....let's just not get stuck there! Life is for the living!


me-BS
him-WS
3 adult children 1D 2S
married-1977
LTA 06-2010 - 11-2012
D-day - 11-11-2012
status - reconciling and very hopeful
"Let Go of Control; Let God's Life Flow" ...Richard Rohr



Posts: 676 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: sunny california
Rebreather
♀ Member
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 11:12 AM, July 18th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

AlexCR, nice.


Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Recovering.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6643 | Registered: Jan 2011
crossroads2010
♀ Member
Member # 30213
Default  Posted: 11:14 AM, July 18th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

To give the very short version, these are my issues: I hate his job, I hate the life his job tethers me to, I hate that he hasn't had any significant consequences or losses. He still has his job, his standing in the community, his family and me.

How restricted are you in life b/c of his job...what do you want to change and how can you change it? I do understand the kids come first but as a mom, you have a great responsibility to be happy and productive and be a role model for them and that means being the person you want to be. Taking control of what you can...you.

There is no way for him to experience the kind of pain you have...it is not fair, but nothing is like the blindsided shock of infidelity. But, he DID lose a lot...he may not know it yet, but he did.


Posts: 618 | Registered: Nov 2010
918Mama
♀ Member
Member # 37756
Default  Posted: 12:24 PM, July 18th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh my...

This is what I love about SI. Throwing my broken heart out there and having all of you compassionately pick it up and say "yeah...me too. Now let's keep moving forward."

I have such crazy mad love for strangers who I only know as screen names and stories. Thank you all for holding me up in my moment(s) of weakness.

I owe lots of responses but I have this J O B that's getting in the way of that today!! So until then, big hugs to all of you who are feeling the same way and sincere thanks to those of you who have shared your words of wisdom.

Rebreather, Rachel, TG, Blake...you four in particular continually sustain me with your words. And hope. And accountability.

Thank you.


Surrender to what is. Let go of what was. Have faith in what will be. -- Sonia Ricotti

Posts: 600 | Registered: Dec 2012
blakesteele
♂ Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 4:21 PM, July 18th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Your welcome. You are one of the original brat pack members...joined SI about the same time, similar paths.

Sharing ones story often times helps another write theirs.

That is what support groups excel at.

Journaling helped me BUILD anxiety...not good. my analytical self would start to journal and then the words flowed into stories with lots of assumptions. Perhaps I could try again and NOT do that...but I learned early on that I must get outside of myself to get healthy. I did my own walling off since my childhood too. SI posting helps me do just that...I get out of myself, especially on those posts where I attempt to comfort others.

"The way of fools seems right to them, but the wise listen to advice." Proverbs 12:15 NIV.

I soooo undervalued and underinvested in fellowshipping with my friends. My first DD brought that fact front and center!

Gentle reminder....watch your boundaries with opposite sex interactions. That "crazy mad love" thing can be a temptation to your own destructive choices. I am projecting here a lot because I think I wrestled with RA more than most BS....but felt like nudging you a bit on this too.

Peace.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 4:25 PM, July 18th (Friday)]


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 4041 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
Hatemyhusband
Member
Member # 41633
Default  Posted: 6:40 PM, July 18th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It sure sucks. I could not agree more! The suckiest part is I did not get to live a fantasy life, escaping reality for two years but I'm now living with a broken heart. I now have the burden to accept H's A or divorce, which ultimately will severely damage my children.
I busted my butt as a stay home mom for 5 years (never my first choice but did for good of family). I went back to work as soon as kids entered school, bust my butt to bring in great $, hold the health insurance for family. I attend every school function. I provide healthy food for us all. I am attentive and all the kids are happy and thriving.
My H is a fabulous dad. I will never doubt that but he was a sucky H. Our M had no communication and was soley for kids. We had no family help.
As unhappy as we both were, I held true to my values and marriage vows. I did the right thing as a role model to my kids. He chose the opposite, taking time off work to screw my "friend". My sons' friends mom. Two years of secret meetings, texts calls. Many during her teaching time and his work time. While he owns his own business and has flexibility, I thought he was working an hour more each day since kids got selves off bus now. Nope. He met her in her classroom 15 mins after students left. He met her on her way in ( he went in hour late here and there). He met her Sat mornings (crack hourly motel) when I thought he was estimating a job or buying oil, etc
It was played out well by both, I must say.
I hosted parties where our children could play (and they could sit and chat). I made her dinners to go (I love to cook). I invited them for holiday dessert. ( we got to know each other's family)

They got the last laugh and I got stuck picking up the pieces. Covering their A so all the kids involved weren't hurt.

He sold her out on DD. Telling me everythg that could cause her to lose her job. She met w me- she didn't want him. She wants her H who has $. She's not "willing to give up her lifestyle for my H". Her H sucks, so she has affairs to make herself feel good---her words exactly.


I get the choice now. Do I accept a H who wants to R? Or do I call it off and have my kids wonder wth is wrong w me, as our M always seemed good in their eyes.

R is ok 8 months out. We are communicating and closer than ever. He is remorseful and doing everything to show me he wants this M. But.. What if I no longer want to be married to a dishonest man? It's on me. All on me. And lucky me. I not only suffered in a crappy marriage while he had his two yr A, I got a broken heart and this great distrusting feeling of society and now if I choose I can't be with this man, I'll get to watch my children crumble.

Yup, this is the life I live, thanks to two selfish human beings


Posts: 383 | Registered: Dec 2013
I think I can
♀ Member
Member # 17756
Default  Posted: 6:50 PM, July 18th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think this is absolutely a year 2 thing. Because it's NOT FAIR! You have two shitty choices.

However, this feeling really does fade over time, with continued work by both of you. Now I'm like, "meh, that sucked." (90% of the time ) It's kinda in the rearview mirror, yknow? And getting smaller.

And he still WORKS with her! So there's hope.


I'm not the winner, I'm the prize.

Posts: 8845 | Registered: Jan 2008
bionicgal
♀ Member
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 8:04 PM, July 18th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Such a great, thoughtful thread, that I am posting on vacation to reply!

Not much to add, other than to say that while I would never, ever have chosen this path, that we all have trials, and we all suffer. We don't get to pick the painless path. Pain, loss and fear of the unknown find us. I feel like my goal is to learn from what happens, and be the best person that I can.

So, 918, your post sounds to me like you should allow yourself the happy. We are all healing. And I think ya'll are the best.


me - BS (45) - DDay - June 2013
A was 2+ months, EA/PA
In MC & Reconciling
"Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point to move forward." -- C.S. Lewis.

Posts: 2143 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
918Mama
♀ Member
Member # 37756
Default  Posted: 10:54 PM, July 18th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Okay...lots of questions, here are the answers...

What do I want to do? And do I think healing would come as a result of leaving?

I want to live a happy, healthy life. I do think I would heal if I left because it would be a chance to start over, likely with someone new in the future. However, I recognize that leaving introduces a whole new set of hurts that come from broken and blended families.

To FixYous point, I do find that I live a much more authentic life now so that is a major benefit. Could I continue that on my own? Absolutely.

(((StunnedMullet))) it really sucks.

Flatlined. You summed it up perfectly. I do feel like it's a life sentence and it's so suffocating sometimes.

(((Itsaclimb))) I'm sorry you feel the same way. :-( also, you totally nailed me on my tag line. I busted out laughing!! Oh irony!

Rachel - I relate to your posts so much. I feel like the life you have is what mine looks like in the future. You also raise an interesting point. I just think about getting my kids grown. But it's hard to think of leaving after that too, for the reasons you raise. Someone else getting to enjoy the time with them as adults that isn't me. And to punish ourselves further for something someone else did seems unfair too. Is it enough for me? Probably not.

Neverwuda...if we were in the same state, I'd swear we have the same therapist. All valid points.

Blake...your comment about good roommates vs committed marriage partners is what I worry about. I see us getting to that point. I honestly feel less married and more that we are just on the same team, playing toward the same goal. Sometimes it feels more like an arranged marriage than anything. I know it's more on my side than anything. My husband is very loving and passionate towards me. I just don't always reciprocate those feelings. Poor guy.

TG...I know you're right but it absolutely afforded him the opportunity and he's still there. I equate it to an alcoholic running the bar. There's just too much opportunity and he hasn't proven himself trustworthy to handle it.

Undefinabl3...my MC and I have been working through these same issues for two years. She extends a lot of compassion. She also sees me stuck and is trying to get me unstuck. The rest of your comments your spot on about. It's the fairness factor for me. I want him to hurt, I want him to bleed, I want him to pay. And you're right about his consequences. My husband has said he's merely in the landscape of the marriage because of the choices he's made. I know he does feel pain. Just not like I do.

Rebreather...you left me speechless. And encouraged. Thank you. I think I must be on the five year track as well. I love the imagery of the pearl. And your tag line...the cure for the pain is the pain. Indeed. I wish you could fast forward us too!

Shero...I've thought the same about that song. I certainly was completely unprepared for the realities of marriage. Oh, to go back and do it over with what I know now!!

Alex...you're exactly right. And they have to live with themselves.

Crossroads...he's a police officer tied to his job for a couple of reasons - he's older, so starting over would be hard. He's in a retirement system that wouldn't transfer to another dept/state so he would essentially have to start his 20 years over. And because of what he's done, he likely wouldn't get hired by another dept because it shows a serious lapse in judgement. So, I'm stuck. Until he retires. I can't take the kids because we would have shared custody. And SO many people in the dept know so I feel like I'm just labeled as "the wife that got cheated on by another cheating officer" and will be as long as he's in that dept. Plus that's where the OW are. Yay. :-( I have put myself first but there's only so much control I have over the direction of my life because we share children.

Blake...thanks for the reminder. I do need to always watch those boundaries!!

HMH...yes to all of what you wrote. There are no good options. It's so frustrating.

ITIC...can't wait to get to the "meh". :-)

Bionicgal...I think you summed it up beautifully. And I hope you are enjoying your vacation!!!



Surrender to what is. Let go of what was. Have faith in what will be. -- Sonia Ricotti

Posts: 600 | Registered: Dec 2012
918Mama
♀ Member
Member # 37756
Default  Posted: 10:56 PM, July 18th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just realized there's a typo in my title. I hate how illiterate my iPhone makes me!!!


Surrender to what is. Let go of what was. Have faith in what will be. -- Sonia Ricotti

Posts: 600 | Registered: Dec 2012
WabiSabi
♀ Member
Member # 43489
Default  Posted: 9:24 AM, July 19th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

918Mama… "I have such crazy mad love for strangers who I only know as screen names and stories. Thank you all for holding me up in my moment(s) of weakness."

Yes! My IC helped me discover my Short Term Energy Relieving Behaviors (STERBS)… things that I compulsively do to mute emotional pain. Mine was isolation. Now I know what I'm doing when I do it and try hard to stop, but it's hard. Being isolated in my house and in my own head is not good for me. SI has helped me so much with this. The people you named and others have been my Emergency Room so many times and they don't even know it. I sit and cry sometimes and wish I could hug them and pour out my gratitude.

Meaning in Suffering… the people on SI (and creators of SI) helping each other are giving the gift of healing to so many others.

I'm sorry I t/j a bit. I just wanted to second what you said, 918Mama.


Posts: 116 | Registered: May 2014
918Mama
♀ Member
Member # 37756
Default  Posted: 11:01 AM, July 19th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wabi...that's really great insight from your IC!! Thanks for sharing :-)

And I'm glad SI has been so cathartic for you as well!!


Surrender to what is. Let go of what was. Have faith in what will be. -- Sonia Ricotti

Posts: 600 | Registered: Dec 2012
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