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User Topic: KISA waywards?
Shero
♀ Member
Member # 44041
Default  Posted: 11:20 AM, July 18th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am curious if any of your WHS are the guys everybody loves to be around; charming, seemingly sympathetic, johhny's on-the-spot, all-around good guys?

Posts: 77 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: California
2married2quit
♂ Member
Member # 36555
Default  Posted: 11:49 AM, July 18th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No, but I'm one of "those" guys and I haven't cheated on my wife. However, I always get the psychos attach to me and I have to get rid of them.


BS - Me 43 WS - Her 41
DDAY - June 2012 (found the texts)
DDAY2 - Next Day (found out who) EA
TT- till 9/2012 (some PA)
Married 20yrs. 2kids
Status: in careful R. Sometimes spinning our wheels

Posts: 1397 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: USA
Lalagirl
♀ Member
Member # 14576
Default  Posted: 11:53 AM, July 18th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes ma'am!

My FWH wrote the KISA book

And it wasn't just women...if he could have saved every person on the planet, he would have. It was an obsession. OCD coupled with emotional immaturity and a touch of ADHD. Nice cocktail

He is still "KISA-like" - he will always be who he is as it is part of his personality - he wants to help others...but through IC, he has learned to set boundaries (with both men and women), and learned how to spot "takers"...he keeps his KISA ways limited to me, the girls, my grandchildren and a couple of genuinely good friends...


Me - 49; FWH - 51
Married 31 years 9/2/14
2 grown daughters-30 & 27
5yo GS,22 mo.& 2 mo. GD (DD30) and 2.5 yo GD(DD27). D-day #1 - 1/06; D-day #2 - 3/07
Reconciled! Construction Complete.

Posts: 5079 | Registered: May 2007
Feelthrownaway
♀ Member
Member # 33772
Default  Posted: 12:04 PM, July 18th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yep, that's my husband. It's not that it is always a bad thing. Though he can not tell when he is being used liked with his OW.I had to point it out to him...then he asked "how could I be so stupid?" I replied back... "Good question".


BW- 48
FWH-49
D-day- aug 16,2011
Married 23 years- together 25

What doesn't kill me, scars me.


Posts: 1090 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Down South
Lark
♀ Member
Member # 43773
Default  Posted: 12:09 PM, July 18th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yep, that's my husband.

Everybody loves him. He's actually quite genuine in being charming, wanting to help people. He's that guy who sees an accident on the interstate and immediately pulls over to help. Helps people carry groceries to their house. Volunteering to help any friend move, anybody drive home that needs help.

I always felt rather self-centered compared to him, because while I have similar reactions, they were always much less extreme.

OW1s husband was "abusive" and OW2 was in a "distant" relationship. You can imagine how much he ate both of those up as he swooped in to show them how special they were


“It is our choices, Harry, that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.” - Dumbledore

Posts: 745 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: California
2married2quit
♂ Member
Member # 36555
Default  Posted: 12:12 PM, July 18th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

After reading what you ladies have posted in the past about KISA that I have changed my ways. Also because of the A my FWW had too. I was trying to save her while destroying myself inside. So I no longer am a KISA. Hey, if you have problems, get counseling, get help, get something, but I'm not the one. I have way more than enough issues. An A will change you like that.


BS - Me 43 WS - Her 41
DDAY - June 2012 (found the texts)
DDAY2 - Next Day (found out who) EA
TT- till 9/2012 (some PA)
Married 20yrs. 2kids
Status: in careful R. Sometimes spinning our wheels

Posts: 1397 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: USA
totalheartbreak
♂ Member
Member # 41589
Default  Posted: 12:13 PM, July 18th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What is KISA?


Me: BH (30s)
Wayflost: WW (30s)
"Ever notice those that advocate anything for 'happiness' are perennially unhappy?"
time isn't what you think it is.

Posts: 158 | Registered: Dec 2013
JLyn1128
♀ Member
Member # 41915
Default  Posted: 12:19 PM, July 18th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

KISA (knight in shining armor). That's definitely my WSO. Women always tell me how lucky I am to have such a charming and helpful man. And he is. Just to, apparently, one too many women.


Me BSO 62
Him WSO 62
Together 29 years, living together 17. He's been with her off and on for half of that.
OW - Available. Thinks 'love' is in the way he looks at her.
Status - R and hopeful

Posts: 105 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: CA
RippedSoul
♀ Member
Member # 40055
Default  Posted: 12:20 PM, July 18th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My SLAWH was a Knight in Shining Armor, too--but only with attractive women. Don't know if that's the usual MO or not. His EA started as he tried to show a woman how he wouldn't judge her. She confessed her PA with another man to him and talked about how she'd been excommunicated from her church because of it. He was modeling "unconditional friendship." Right.


BW: 49; SLAWH: 46; M: 23 yrs
DD#1--11/30/12 (prostitute #1)
DD#2--1/29/13 (AP, escorts #1 & #2)
DD#3--9/13 (trolling MILF site)
DD#4--10/8/13 (EA with AP cont'd)
DD: 20; DD: 18; DS: 16; DS: 14
PS: I've NEVER NOT edited my posts

Posts: 461 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: California
hopingforhappy
♀ Member
Member # 29288
Default  Posted: 12:31 PM, July 18th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My FWH describes it as having the "lost dog" syndrome. If someone shows up acting lost and needing help, his immediate response is to step up. He has learned his lesson the hard way that not all of those lost dogs are in geniune need of help. Plus, some of them bite.


Me--BW (56)
Him--FWH (53)--5yr. LTA--OW probably BPD
Married 20 years
DS-18, DD-15
Reconciling--but boy is it hard!

Posts: 1334 | Registered: Aug 2010
Lalagirl
♀ Member
Member # 14576
Default  Posted: 12:41 PM, July 18th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Check this out - in the psychology world, it's called White Knight Syndrome (from "Psychology Today"):

After carefully reviewing the cases that met our definition of a white knight, we created a list of traits and behaviors that characterize the white knight. Typically, white knights have a history that includes many of the following:
• Self-defeating behavior that may involve substance abuse
• Heightened awareness in childhood of a parent's hardships
• Childhood neglect
• Childhood emotional, physical, or sexual abuse
• Loss or threat of loss of a significant caregiver in childhood
• Repeatedly finding partners who need rescuing

A white knight typically has many of the following character traits:
• Fears emotional distance
• Is very emotionally vulnerable and sensitive
• Has a tendency to idealize the partner
• Has an extreme need to be viewed as important or unique
• Tends to be self-critical or reactively blames, devalues, and manipulate others
In relationships, a white knight tends to show many of the following behaviors:
• Is attracted to a needy partner or a partner with a history of trauma, loss, abuse, or addiction
• Fears being separated from the partner, losing the partner's love or approval, or being abandoned by the partner
• Engages in controlling behavior, often under the guise of helping
• Maintains or restores connection with the partner by being extremely helpful or good
• Responds ambivalently to the partner's success
• Describes a sense of "oneness" with the partner
• Fails to recognize the partner's manipulative behaviors
• Is seduced by the sexual or dramatic behavior of the partner
• Evokes strong feelings in the partner in order to avoid his or her own emotional discomfort
• Maintains hope for a gratifying relationship by denying the reality of the partner's issues

Identifying these commonalities among white knights led us to create subtypes of rescuers based upon dominant clusters of personality characteristics and behaviors. Our next post will introduce these white knight subtypes and the balanced rescuer.


Me - 49; FWH - 51
Married 31 years 9/2/14
2 grown daughters-30 & 27
5yo GS,22 mo.& 2 mo. GD (DD30) and 2.5 yo GD(DD27). D-day #1 - 1/06; D-day #2 - 3/07
Reconciled! Construction Complete.

Posts: 5079 | Registered: May 2007
Feelthrownaway
♀ Member
Member # 33772
Default  Posted: 12:46 PM, July 18th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My husband only has three on those lists.


BW- 48
FWH-49
D-day- aug 16,2011
Married 23 years- together 25

What doesn't kill me, scars me.


Posts: 1090 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Down South
Tearsoflove
♀ Member
Member # 8271
Default  Posted: 1:47 PM, July 18th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow, Lala. That's an awesome list. It looks like my husband was the model for it.

substance abuse- check
heightened parent hardship awareness- check
childhood neglect- check
emotionally abused as a child- check
lost father to drunk driver- check
repeatedly finding partners who need rescuing (every girl before me)- check

I could then go down the other list but I won't bother. He fits most of them. At least I know how his FOO issues fit in now.

Very interesting. Thanks.


"Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand." ~Homer Simpson


Posts: 4149 | Registered: Sep 2005
OutoftheDeep
♀ Member
Member # 42601
Default  Posted: 2:05 PM, July 18th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good list, but I think it left off something really important:

once someone gets smart about these KISA tendencies, the KISA will turn them off towards that person and become the exact opposite. In other words, once you are onto them they can become mean, unhelpful, etc - the exact opposite of a KISA. There is no grey area with them. That's typically what happens to the BS of these people. You'll rarely see a KISA type continue to display their KISA traits of charm, helpfulness, etc to a spouse who's no longer impressed with their act.

These people can't be KISAs without a damsel-in-distress (or a dude-in-distress ). A person who doesn't need them in that sick way, they have no use for. And it is about use. I think of them as needing fuel in the form of a DID (damsel/dude in distress). KISAs are unwilling to relate to most people on a regular, equal level - it's either they are someone's "everything" or they have no use for that person.

I don't know if I put that very eloquently, maybe someone else can chime in. But it's important to recognize this trait.


Me - maybe BW 40s
He - maybe WH 40s
My mother was always the OW
ExWH in first M had lta.
Current marriage:
2/'13 out all night with an ow
2/'13 busted at strip club
4/'14-? bad boundaries w/howorker

Posts: 377 | Registered: Feb 2014
TheBestMe
♀ Member
Member # 39476
Default  Posted: 2:36 PM, July 18th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Only to females....for males not so much. My H gets his ego kibbles from women. Some serious FOO issues going on there.


ME Doing Better
WH Trying As Best He Can
Married 23 years
Status: Working towards friendship
D Day #1 - 2007 My gut told me
D Day #2 - 2010 His D told me
D Day #3 - 1/11/2013 OW Confirmed
LTA 7 years

Both feet pointed forward; positive


Posts: 451 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Inner Peace
tremble
♀ Member
Member # 43170
Default  Posted: 3:29 PM, July 18th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I see several of these tendencies in my WBF. I fact I know a big part of the appeal of OW was how needy and dependent she was. She would tell him how only he understood her and he was so very special and smart and attractive, etc. He felt sorry for her and wanted to be her friend and neither one of them was content to leave it at that. That she had an unhappy childhood, that this and that had happened to her. I remeber him telling how he felt sorry for her because of what she had gone through in her life. I reminded him that I have one friend that was sexualy abused by her uncle, another that was raped by her exhusband, and that I was raped and beaten as a teenager so why didn't any of us get the special treatment? I guess you have to weak to be a damsel.


You can't stop the waves, but you can learn to surf. Joseph Campbell

Posts: 72 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: United States
Lalagirl
♀ Member
Member # 14576
Default  Posted: 12:10 PM, July 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

once someone gets smart about these KISA tendencies, the KISA will turn them off towards that person and become the exact opposite. In other words, once you are onto them they can become mean, unhelpful, etc - the exact opposite of a KISA. There is no grey area with them. That's typically what happens to the BS of these people. You'll rarely see a KISA type continue to display their KISA traits of charm, helpfulness, etc to a spouse who's no longer impressed with their act.

These people can't be KISAs without a damsel-in-distress (or a dude-in-distress ). A person who doesn't need them in that sick way, they have no use for. And it is about use. I think of them as needing fuel in the form of a DID (damsel/dude in distress). KISAs are unwilling to relate to most people on a regular, equal level - it's either they are someone's "everything" or they have no use for that person.

You're absolutely spot-on, Out...


Me - 49; FWH - 51
Married 31 years 9/2/14
2 grown daughters-30 & 27
5yo GS,22 mo.& 2 mo. GD (DD30) and 2.5 yo GD(DD27). D-day #1 - 1/06; D-day #2 - 3/07
Reconciled! Construction Complete.

Posts: 5079 | Registered: May 2007
Ginny
♀ Member
Member # 43196
Default  Posted: 1:28 PM, July 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My FWH's COW called him "Prince Charming" constantly. She definitely saw him as her KISA. Her husband is not very "evolved". She is desperately unhappy in her marriage and thought she found her ticket out, even though she was my "friend".

FWH has had KISA tendencies over the years and many FOO issues I see in the list above. He is the guy who can't say "no" to anybody (except me). He told me he knew he wanted out of the affair for a long time but he didn't want to hurt her feelings. We are now reading "No More Mr. Nice Guy". I believe his picture is on the cover.

He is the husband that all of my friends are so jealous of. Just last week two of my friends that don't know about the affair were talking about how good looking he is and how lucky I am.
I believe deep down that he IS a good man that just made a HUGE mistake which he is trying desperately to make up for, but at the time I just wanted to


BW49
FWH50
DDay 11-02-13
Married 30 years
2 month PA/EA with COW
DS28
Trying to R

Posts: 98 | Registered: Apr 2014
Shero
♀ Member
Member # 44041
Default  Posted: 1:32 PM, July 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ginny, my husband is described the same way by some of my friends, too! One dubbed him Saint (insert husband's name here) :). Used to make me feel proud of him, now it makes me doubt him.

Posts: 77 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: California
StillGoing
♂ Member
Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 1:35 PM, July 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

However, I always get the psychos attach to me and I have to get rid of them.

I think of myself as socially incompetent and moderately introverted, but that happens to me also.

I think I give off "I AM SAFE TO BOTHER" vibes.

Not just to women, either. Every single show with one exception we have gone to, the craziest, drunkest fucker in the crowd of 10,000 decides >I< am the guy he has to be friends with. Like, screaming a conversation I'm desperately pretending I am not the recipient of, 20 stalls down the line in a bathroom so full of guys passing beer that the floor smells like budweiser on a hot summer day, and every single guy in there is looking at me with varied expression and I just wanna be like "Look, I just need to piss, I dunno that dude" but while I have never tested this hypothesis I suspect that being impolite to the craziest, drunkest fucker out of a crowd of 10,000 is likely to cause an altercation of some sort, so I just try to employ my I'm-now-invisible stuff and disappear into a group of people, hopefully where I am not stopped by someone else that just WONT GO THE FUCK AWAY even if I take out all my frustration from the other dude on her.

Sorry. This probably had almost nothing to do with the OP.


"You have insulted my footwear."

Posts: 7488 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
Topic Posts: 27
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