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New Beginnings Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Loss of a spouse from death vs infidelity
♀ Member
Member # 25557
Default  Posted: 1:44 AM, July 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Before Dday the greatest loss I had ever experienced was losing my father. I was an only daughter and the baby of the house. If you looked up daddy's girl in the dictionary you would find my picture.

My father died of a massive and unexpected heart attack, he had never been diagnosed with heart disease. As shocking and devastating as my fathers death was to me the loss of my marriage was worse. I was comforted and still am by knowing that my father would of never left me for as long as he had breath in his body. My XH chose to hurt me, he chose to leave me for someone else. After 28 yrs together he chose her. The hurt, and soul crushing pain of that choice is a pain I will carry with me forever, and although I have healed and I have rebuilt my life, that is a hurt that I will always carry with me. Unlike a widow I have to hide 28 yrs of pictures and memories, and I can not sit with any of my friends and family and just remember the good times.

He tainted all those memories as well. Not to mention the shame and embarrassment I felt anytime I ran into someone at the store or at church. Widows do not have to hide in shame, they do not have to wonder if people are blaming them for the loss. For myself it would have been easier if he had died, but for my sons sake and for the sake of our future grandchildren I am glad he is not dead.

[This message edited by Embers2Fire at 1:54 AM, July 22nd (Tuesday)]

BS - me 49
XWH - him 48
DDay 05/08
Married 25 yrs, 2 sons 28/23
2nd Marriage 11/1/13 livng the dream

God has breathed new life into me fanning my fading Embers into a brightly burning Fire.

Posts: 421 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Land of the healed and home of the grateful
♀ Member
Member # 38154
Default  Posted: 7:10 AM, July 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow, this is timely. I just got back from a get together for my brother in law who passed away in May from a brain tumour. He and my sister were just shy of their 33rd wedding anniversary. He didn't want a funeral so she got everyone together at their cottage for an afternoon, It was great and for her, very cathartic.
I've been spending a great deal of time talking with her and letting her get all her feelings out without any guilt. While her friends and family support her one hundred percent, she feels that she can't "let it all hang out" like she does with me. I am the only one in the family who is divorced and she tells me that she feels I can relate.
The hurt, the betrayal, that I experienced was devastating. After four years, I can finally say that I'm on my way. But she is so devastated right now, it's all so raw. I think our experience is pretty much the same - I was where she was four years ago, she will likely be where I am four years from now.
At the end of the day, it sucks that both of us had to go through it at all.

M - 25 yrs
DDay - August 5, 2010
Divorced - December 12, 2011
He married the OW 35 days later
"Fall seven times, stand up eight" - Japanese proverb

Posts: 82 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Canada
♀ Member
Member # 43792
Default  Posted: 9:16 AM, July 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My sister lost her husband very suddenly 9 years ago and she did have a lot of support from friends and family but after awhile tht slowed down and stopped completely.

I was there when the God awful gut wrenching sobs escaped her soul and I believe that no matter how we lose our H our grief and the process is the same.

My father passed away month after my STXH left me and she actually cried for me. She also is getting support from family and friends. I have found my true friends and family are here to help me. What is really strange is that my mother nd I are facing many of the same things, just for different reasons. Opening accounts, changing registration, insurance, and the list goes on. Plus we are both grieving the loss of our H. My parents were M 48 years and she is struggling with her loss. I was M 23 years, together 28 and am also struggling with my loss og my H but also my father who I miss everyday.

Posts: 333 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: East coast
♀ Member
Member # 36869
Default  Posted: 6:11 PM, July 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, as the widow of a cheating husband, I got to "lose" him twice: once to the OWs, and the second time to death. I found it immensely ironic that some of the people who knew and even actively supported his two affairs were some of the most sympathetic to me when he died. They made me sick. Everything connected to that life was tainted - the neighborhood, the social groups, etc. That's why I auctioned the house off ASAP to stay in my little old house that H always hated - it's nowhere near those memories. I keep his pictures out, same as I do my familiy pictures, but sometimes there are thoughts of the hurtful, mean things he said and did that creep into my brain. I have fond memories of him, but they'll always be tainted. And there's no more answers or apologies that I can get now either. When my first husband and I had been divorced for 6 years, I had to undergo brain surgery. He actually visited me from another state to check on me and apologize for his part in the marriage - I can NEVER get this from my late H. Death is the final silence.

Be careful what you wish for the most - you may get it.

Posts: 410 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: VA
Topic Posts: 24
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