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User Topic: I don't see much hope for reconciliation
RN4777
♂ New Member
Member # 44025
Sad  Posted: 2:41 AM, July 19th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In May 2014 while upgrading software on my wife's computer I found photos and videos of her with another man. Devastating to say the least. I confronted her about her year long affair shortly after Mother's Day. To this date the affair continues and we still live together. Why you ask? Because we have two children from our 14 year marriage and for their sake I'm hoping to somehow get her to realize the best thing for the children, me and her is to repair our marriage. I certainly still love her and want her as my own again but every day is a struggle because as time has gone by I have realized and discovered more and more lies and deceit. Over the past year when she was going on weekend trips with friends she was taking trips with AP. When we had a family vacation last March she went to a conference before the children and I joined her and her AP was with her there. All the while funding these trips with the money I've earned as she does not work. To be more precise putting me deeper into debt as her over spending has max'd out our credit cards over the past three years. The level of disrespect, selfishness, and deceit has thrown me for a loop as my wife has always been thoughtful to others and ranted about such things. Maybe the lady doth protest too much. Even after I confronted her she went on a trip with AP and to a concert. Both times she lied directly to me as I asked who she was going with and she told me "girl friends." I know she lied too because since D-day I certainly don't trust her anymore and will take the opportunity to look at her FB when she leaves it open. Please don't comment on invasion of privacy because liars loose that right in my opinion. I feel like I've been ranting and would like to calm things down. While I take no responsibility for my wife's decision to have an affair and will admit and was not the best husband in the past. I am quiet, a thinker, and not very expressive while my wife is quite emotional and passionate. As the years have gone by and the stress of raising children, debt, and life have come upon us our communication has broken down and we've withdrawn from each other losing all intimacy. There was also a tragic event in my wife's life that I did not handle very well and was not there for her emotionally. I see everything going down hill from there. This event occurred in the fall of 2012. She did not tell me about it till early the next year. When she told me about it I now believe I was in a bit of shock and responded coldly. I felt like she wanted me to get angry about what happened but that just didn't happen. I know now that is exactly what she wanted and though the event does angers me it just isn't me to say "I'm gonna kick the guys as who did that to you." (Just FYI I'm not taking about a rape or anything where she came to any physical harm). Shortly, after that we did go to counseling twice but ended it when she said she didn't like the counselor. I've now learned that even before the tragic event she was going out to meet and date other men while she claims she was just making new friends. So, since D-day I've spoken to a counselor, gotten her to do the same, read a lot about marriage and infidelity and realized a lot about why she was unhappy in our marriage and changed how I am in order to continue to show her love as a husband should love his wife. Some days we has a wonderful time as a family and I love being with her. But other days I learn little bits about how she has lied or know she's going to meet her AP when she says she's going to tennis class or shopping for groceries. Yes, she is taking a tennis class, but so is her AP. Well, today is one of later type of days hence the topic title.

Posts: 1 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: Colorado
ZedLeppelin
♂ Member
Member # 40895
Default  Posted: 3:26 AM, July 19th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am going to say something which you may interpret as being insulting but is meant to give you proverbial slap!

Your wife is continuing to cheat because you are allowing her to. It is that simple.

The level of disrespect, selfishness, and deceit has thrown me for a loop as my wife has always been thoughtful to others and ranted about such things.
Correct...and yet you allow her to continue. Think of it from her point of view - she is out stabbing you in the back time after time, and not only do you put up with it but you are actively funding her.

There is not a single thing in your story which indicates that you have dealt any consequences for her behaviour. No consequences = No change. As a result, why should she change?!

1. Go to doctors and get tested for STDs.
2. Go to lawyer and see what your options are in terms of divorce.
3. Cancel her credit card, and get your own finances in order.
4. If your wife wants to continue screwing other men, she can get a job to support herself.
5. If you know the names of the affair partners, expose them to their wives/girlfriends.
6. Expose her to her parents/close family.
7. Initiate 180.


Posts: 207 | Registered: Oct 2013
Badhurt
♂ Member
Member # 41947
Default  Posted: 5:15 AM, July 19th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What is there to reconcile?? You wife has made a choice that you will be in an open marriage and you have accepted it because of your kids . Most here will totally reject that and there is nothing anyone can give you as advice that will change your situation unless you decide it will stop. Your case is rely simple in that you are not guessing what she is doing but know and accept it.? Why would it stop.?? She enjoys all the creature comforts of home and fucks guys when she wants to and you continue to pay the bills.
I am sorry for being harsh but what can anyone say except that they are sorry you are going through this.
If and when you decide that you want to stand up for your dignity and self respect there is a lot you can do, starting with preparing a divorce fing to present her with after her next date.
You can stop it if you want to but that may get her attention. W
To where you two can have a serious conversation since she will realize her party may be over.
If you want to continue on like you are I suggest you post on some polyamory websites where people can help you mentally deal with being a mono partner to a poly woman. If that does not sound great, then start to follow the advice of the people here and you will be taking steps to help yourself. I am sure you will get some good advice but it only matters if YOU want things to change with or without her because you cannot control her. You can control you and what you will or will not accept.

[This message edited by Badhurt at 5:19 AM, July 19th (Saturday)]


Posts: 1097 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Eastern USA
wk55hn
♂ Member
Member # 44159
Default  Posted: 5:25 AM, July 19th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

RN, I'm sorry you find yourself in this situation.

Does your wife know that you know that she's still cheating?


Posts: 524 | Registered: Jul 2014
somer222
♀ Member
Member # 21377
Default  Posted: 5:31 AM, July 19th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am so sorry you find yourself here. In order to successfully reconcile, the WS must feel genuine remorse and be completely transparent. I'm not reading into your post that either of those elements are present with your WS.

Where are her consequences? It doesn't appear she has had any! My suggestion is to start imposing consequences, right after you have met with an attorney. Gather proof of the affair and her spending. Run a credit report to find out if she has opened any new accounts that you do not know about.

The 7 things listed by ZedLeppelin are essential things you need to do. All of them. Take back your power. Impose serious consequences.

And lastly, find your anger! You should be very angry. Start doing the 180 so you can detach from her. If she is not sleeping in the guest room, that is where she needs to be.

You do not deserve this. You can share blame for any marital problems that may have existed, but she is the one who made the decision to have an affair. That is on her. She doesn't get to call the shots anymore. She has shown very poor judgement, not only in having an affair, but also by maxing out the credit cards. She is the one who has put your children's happiness and security at stake. Not you.

Please keep posting. You will get excellent support and advice. It really helps. Take care.


Posts: 1465 | Registered: Oct 2008
Schadenfreude
♂ Member
Member # 43075
Default  Posted: 6:30 AM, July 19th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

A cardinal,lesson here is no R without remorse by the WS. She hasn't even gone NC yet, so obviously there is not a hint of remorse in her.

She is cake eating at your expense.

The lesson here is that you must start the 180 for your own preservation. It's in the Healing Library in FAQs for BS's above Dr. Phil's face.

Also, you will see important posts for BS' who are new to this sad game. Read and heed.

Zed summarizes your first steps succinctly. Re-read what he wrote.


Posts: 892 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Midwest
stronger08
♂ Member
Member # 16953
Default  Posted: 7:51 AM, July 19th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I totally agree with you that the level of disrespect, selfishness and betrayal is beyond acceptance. So the big question here is, why are you allowing it to continue ? And don't use the old its for the kids sake excuse. You need to dig deep and find the strength to put an end to this situation. And here is a little tip, your WW is not the one who is going to change anything any time soon. She has no reason to even consider it while you sit there letting this shit continue. She gets to eat her cake and hand you the fucking bill. If you want anything to change you have to do it yourself. She is not going to miraculously wake up one morning and realize that she is fucking up many peoples lives. She needs to be smacked upside the head with reality and shown that there are consequences to ones actions.

My advice would be to seek legal advice. Find out where you stand legally and financially should things be taken to the extreme and end in D. Cut off the financial Tit that she has been abusing. Close down all joint accounts and place your salary in an account she has no access to. In short, no more of your hard earned money going to support her and/or her A. Expose this A and her behaviors to anyone and everyone. You are under no obligation to keep her dirty little secrets Bro. Let her experience the shame that goes along with being a cheat. Lay down the law and demand the A stop and give her your requirements for R. Its then up to her to accept them or not. Most likely she will do anything to keep things as they are. At first she will try to use threats and anger to manipulate you into allowing her A. She will threaten to D you, take the kids, keep the house etc etc etc. Newsflash, she is already gone my man. If she threatened D, tell her to go file. Matter of fact file yourself. Then she will go the hysterical, snot running down her face, crying her eyes out bullshit to get you to back off. Then the dangerous anger stage will appear. Its at this point you must be at your most vigilant. Its happened many times with many of us here myself included that a WS will use a claim of false DV to get what they want. And don't think that the law is on your side because its not. A WS is a skilled liar and lets face it a man is going to get fucked over by the law when it comes to a DV claim. Its imperative you document any and all interactions during this stage. Carry a VAR at all times and turn it on when the shit gets heated. Try and have witnesses around to verify claims. Just be smart and don't think a WS is past anything. If she does not accept your terms you must pull the trigger and file for D.

The trick here is to follow the advice of those who have been there. Be tough and don't take any shit. Don't show fear or sadness, a WS eats that shit up and gains power over you from it. Its basically a battle of wills. She is content making a fool out of you and continuing her A. She has no problem using you as a financial tool to cheat and unless she has motivation to change she will not. You have to take the perspective that infidelity and its subsequent fallout including the D process is comparable to war. Its a balls to the wall test of will where you can show no mercy, give no comfort and aid to the enemy. There can be no quarter asked and none given. Its a balls to the wall fight where whoever has the best battle plan and fortitude will win. She already started this war by firing the opening salvo and that was entering into and starting the A. Its now up to you to win the war. And wars are won employing a strong and unstoppable offense. Do not dig in or pull back to rest and evaluate your position. The key is to overwhelm her with the weight of what's going on and what's going to happen because she cheats. As I said earlier she needs motivation to stop her A. And the best motivation is to allow her to experience the consequences of cheating. Truth and reality are the best weapons in your arsenal right now and must be used with zest and vigor. I suggest you start today with this plan brother. Please keep posting and reading. We are here to assist and support you through this mess.

ETA: LedZep summed it up nicely. Follow his streamlined instructions and you cant go wrong.

There is not a single thing in your story which indicates that you have dealt any consequences for her behaviour. No consequences = No change. As a result, why should she change?!

1. Go to doctors and get tested for STDs.
2. Go to lawyer and see what your options are in terms of divorce.
3. Cancel her credit card, and get your own finances in order.
4. If your wife wants to continue screwing other men, she can get a job to support herself.
5. If you know the names of the affair partners, expose them to their wives/girlfriends.
6. Expose her to her parents/close family.
7. Initiate 180.

[This message edited by stronger08 at 7:55 AM, July 19th (Saturday)]


You cant eat soup with chopsticks.

Posts: 5828 | Registered: Nov 2007
Schadenfreude
♂ Member
Member # 43075
Default  Posted: 8:15 AM, July 19th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You have a choice. D or open marriage. No other choices now. Well, maybe separation , too. But your marriage is over. She must be very deep into the A and herself to keep those "home movies".

You confronted in May. July is more than half over now. And she's financially ruining you. My guess is that she has mental issues that you can't see.

How is staying in this hellish marriage good for kids?


Posts: 892 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Midwest
nomistakeaboutit
♂ Member
Member # 36857
Default  Posted: 3:59 PM, July 19th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So, since D-day I've spoken to a counselor, gotten her to do the same, read a lot about marriage and infidelity and realized a lot about why she was unhappy in our marriage and changed how I am in order to continue to show her love as a husband should love his wife.

One of the most difficult things to realize and accept is that our spouses don't cheat on us because of something we did, or,something we were or were not. Your wife chose to cheat on you instead of taking other honorable paths. That is 100% on her and 0% on her. You cannot change you as a way of fixing her.

She's continuing her affair. You don't want an open marriage. Dude, theirs not enough room in your double bed for the three of you. No hand wringing needed here. File for divorce. If that doesn't wake her up, nothing will. Demand respect. Isn't that what you would advise one of your children to do if they were one day in this situation?


Me: BH 58.........Her: WW 45
DD: 8..........DS: 5
Married for six years.
DDay: 12-25-11 Divorced: 7-15-12
...................................
"It's like a nightmare within a nightmare, which in and of itself is a nightmare!"

Posts: 966 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: U.S.A.
Brandon808
♂ Member
Member # 35619
Default  Posted: 4:22 PM, July 19th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Why you ask? Because we have two children from our 14 year marriage and for their sake I'm hoping to somehow get her to realize the best thing for the children, me and her is to repair our marriage.
If this was happening to one of your kids in their marriage what would you want them to do? I can tell you from experience that no child wants one parent to put up with such lies, disrespect and abuse just for the children's sake. They know that you love them. They need to know through your example that tolerating cheating and lies is not acceptable. Otherwise they may well do that themselves or be subjected to it later in life.

So, since D-day I've spoken to a counselor, gotten her to do the same, read a lot about marriage and infidelity and realized a lot about why she was unhappy in our marriage and changed how I am in order to continue to show her love as a husband should love his wife.
Except that nothing in your behavior made her cheat. That is her choice. You cannot change her choices with your behavior. She could have asked for separation. She could have asked for MC.

Please consider also this isn't just her betrayal of you as your wife. She spends time, money and energy on her A's. All things that should be directed towards her family (i.e. her kids). She is neglecting them in favor of this secret life.

You can't fix this.
Even though you say you don't take responsibility you keep citing things about yourself.
Not to be too blunt but your WW was not a perfect spouse. It is not a question of you being a terrible husband and her being the martyred wife who never did anything wrong in the M until she turned cheater in response to you. No, it doesn't work that way. She chose this. She is continuing to choose this.

You need to choose to not accept it any longer. You need to show your kids that this behavior any spouse should tolerate.
And no, I do not think you told your kids what your WW is doing. It doesn't matter. Kids find out other ways. They sense when something is wrong even if they don't have the details. They know.


xBH
D final 8/2012

Posts: 4101 | Registered: May 2012 | From: southeast
happyman64
♂ Member
Member # 33212
Default  Posted: 5:27 PM, July 19th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

RN

You have gotten some great advice. The nonsense will not stop until you make the necessary changes.

How old are you?
How old is WW? Her AP?
Is the AP married?
How old are your kids?

I would file for D to show your wife you mean business. D takes months.

I would add one other suggestion.

Sure you should lock up her credit so that debt is on her.
Secure your paycheck.
Expose her adulterous behavior.

But do one other thing.

The day you have her served at home have a realtor come put a "For Sale" sign on your home.

That will rock her world. She deserves it. She needs it.

Reward her behavior with tough love/consequences....

HM


Posts: 972 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: New York
brkn_heartd
♀ Member
Member # 30396
Default  Posted: 9:48 PM, July 20th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

RN,
It is so hard when you love someone and see them hurting you to draw the line in the sand. For me, I loved him so much, that I was hoping he would come to his senses. It didn't happen. It wasn't until I realized I deserve more than that and asked for a D I rocked his world. I am also an RN and we by nature like to "fix" things (and people). You cannot fix her. You cannot fix your marriage. It is broken. Only if you jerk the rug out from under her is there any hope for anything. However, there is no hope while she is outright disrespecting you and your family.

You have received some great advice. Until you are ready to step up and end the the disrespect, she will continue. You have given her no reason to stop.


Me-51 BS
Him 58-WS
Married 31 yrs, together 34
Affair Aug-Dec 09
official D-12/14/09
broke NC 1/31/10
second D 3/19/10

Posts: 1683 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Northwesten US
tfkeel
♂ Member
Member # 19517
Default  Posted: 10:12 PM, July 20th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

They need to know through your example that tolerating cheating and lies is not acceptable. Otherwise they may well do that themselves or be subjected to it later in life.

This is truth. I thought I was doing the "best" thing for the kids by remaining in the home.

My elder son grew up to marry a woman just like his mom. She not only cheated, she left him in the hospital with 12 stitches in his face. He is living with her yet today after 15 years of marriage.

There has been no end to the heartache this woman has caused him.


Posts: 585 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Pennsylvania
Topic Posts: 13

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