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Getting a Start on the End

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ChangeMaker posted 7/19/2014 08:01 AM

I have decided to end my relationship with my WW.

The discussion last night was more premature and more heated than I would've liked, but that can't be helped now.

She has been spending nights at her mother's (or wherever) for the past two weeks, and we've been caring for our two young daughters (6 and 3) according to a rotating agreement brokered by a counselor.

I suggested that she rent a place, and I would carry the house until it sells, but she's having none of that. She basically just wants to carry on as we are until the house sells.

Anyway, I have an appointment with a well respected lawyer on Monday (which WW doesn't know about). I will need to discuss separating finances (right now please!) as well as how to divide assets and any support that I may end up paying. We are not legally marrried, but have been living in a common-law relationship for about 7.5 years. In the province where I live, common-law relationships are not handled the same as legal marriages when they breakdown. One issue that will likely come up is that she is not necessarily entitled to 1/2 the equity in the house because I contributed more financially during the entire length of our relationship.

I am very eager to hear what the lawyer has to say. I really feel like I need to separate our finances ASAP, but I'm not sure how we continue to pay bills after doing so. Do we pay the family bills 50/50? Do we pay them based on our incomes (where I pay more because I make more)?

I have divorced before from a legal marriage, but I was very young, the divorce was very amicable (we are still great friends), there were no children, and there were no assets or debt of any consequence, so it was very easy.

I'm feeling very nervouse and anxious about this, especially since I'm only 6 weeks out from DDay.

Gemini71 posted 7/19/2014 08:43 AM

Your first step should definitely be the lawyer. An amicable divorce and a divorce from infidelity are two VERY different things. Add to that the fact that this is a common-law union, and you really need a specialist to help you.

As you know, the actual divorce/separation is a business arrangement. You and your WW are way too emotionally involved in the situation to think in terms of a business deal. You need someone to advise you of your rights and to be your advocate.

Who's counselor brokered the rotating agreement? Are you or your daughters still seeing this counselor? If not, I would definitely check into IC for you and the kids.

Good luck.

ChangeMaker posted 7/19/2014 08:51 AM

I am seeing a psychologist, but the agreement was brokered by a counselor provided by my employer's Employee Assistance Program.

The kids are not seeing any counselor, but that may be in the future.

ChangeMaker posted 7/19/2014 17:59 PM

I am feeling so awful today. We had a huge confrontation last night, and I lost control a bit, hurling a few insults and names. I didn't want it to go down that way. Anyway, we were very clear with each other that the marriage is over.

I'm just filled with anxiety over what is to come over the next several months. I wish I could just curl up and go to sleep through it all.

ChangeMaker posted 7/20/2014 07:27 AM

Today (Sunday) is the day when we are supposed to have dinner together as a family, then bathe the girls and put them to bed.

Usually she would come here at around 4pm, but today she says she's coming at about 11am to do some cleaning, with the aim of getting the house ready to sell.

After our blowout of Friday night (when I lost control of my temper more than I meant to), I must remain detached and unemotional.

I have no idea how to proceed here, so I am very anxious to see the lawyer tomorrow to get some advice and guidance. This sucks.

dmari posted 7/20/2014 15:06 PM

You have a solid plan for today which is to detach. Please do not engage in any conversation with her unless it has to do with the children. If you feel your temper rising, take a walk or just step outside and take some deep breaths. You need to tread carefully until you see your lawyer tomorrow. What will you be doing today? Reading, taking the girls out to the park? What are your plans to limit contact with WW?

traicionada posted 7/20/2014 15:21 PM

Please avoid confrontation, especially around the children. I'll even suggest calling the EAP hotline again,just to get some of the words out of your system. Wishing you peace & healing.

ChangeMaker posted 7/20/2014 15:31 PM

Thank you everybody. I took the girls out for most of the day, then I went for a good run. I'm cooking supper now, then we will bathe the girls, and put the youngest to bed. At that point I'll tell STBXWW she can hit the bricks.

Thank you again for your support. It's good to know there are people out there who understand.

dmari posted 7/20/2014 17:10 PM

Yay!! You did it. You made it through the day. Now to get through from now until she "hits the bricks". Don't engage. You can do this!!!

ChangeMaker posted 7/21/2014 07:13 AM

Last night went well.

I even asked if she could take care of the kids for six days so I can go on a trip to see a sick family member out of town (pancreatic cancer), and she agreed, and was quite pleasant.

Shortly after she left she began texting me, asking me when we were going to list the house and that she hoped to have it done and be in her own place by September! I did not provide any solid answer. Then she started asking about finances. Again, I provided no solid answers. I am glad she is so eager on this front; I see a lawyer today, and if I can present a separation agreement to her quickly enough, she is likely to sign one that is more favourable to me.

Anyway, lawyer in a couple of hours. Wish me luck.

stronger08 posted 7/21/2014 07:19 AM

Now this is not the end. It is not even the beginning of the end. But it is, perhaps, the end of the beginning.

Winston Churchill

Churchill summed it up nicely here. I have always found the parallels of war and divorce to be interchangeable. And IMHO infidelity and the D that follows must be treated as the same. Take no prisoners and show no quarter. You didn't start this war, but you certainly can finish it. Just keep in mind that with all wars there will be casualties. Expect them, prepare for them and you will be OK. Good luck bro !!!!!

[This message edited by stronger08 at 7:20 AM, July 21st (Monday)]

cvs2kkids posted 7/21/2014 07:32 AM

As you know, the actual divorce/separation is a business arrangement. You and your WW are way too emotionally involved in the situation to think in terms of a business deal. You need someone to advise you of your rights and to be your advocate.


Think of it this way, if you were trying to buy a home from a 3rd party, would you negotiate by hurling insults and yelling? Hopefully not! The more amicable you can be, the better off the negotiations will go.

In my case, my lawyer advised me I could be on the hook for a split of marital assets plus $600-$700 alimony per month.

As it is, I played nice the whole time, kept the house, have primary custody of DD15 and she gets $3,000 payout.

The truth was, it wasn't just money that motivated me. The M is over, the less head space she consumes the better I am. By letting go of the anger early (and in my case, letting God control my emotions), I feel good. I am not depressed, just looking forward to a new beginning.

Power and strength to you.

ChangeMaker posted 7/21/2014 11:29 AM

Just got back from the lawyer. Some good news, some bad news. It all really depends on the STBXWW. I'll have to see if we can get an agreement drawn up quickly, since that seems to be what she wants. I really don't want to pay any spousal support, and I've got a couple of negotiating chips on my side in that regard.

I will talk to STBXWW tonight to tell her I will be cancelling joint credit, and to discuss living arrangements moving forward.

norabird posted 7/21/2014 11:32 AM


You've got this. Just keep swimming and focus on the end goal.

norabird posted 7/21/2014 11:32 AM

double post

[This message edited by norabird at 11:35 AM, July 21st (Monday)]

ChangeMaker posted 7/21/2014 21:26 PM

Had a good meeting with STBXWW. She is definitely in a hurry to get the deal done, and as a result we have a somewhat tentative deal on the table that sees me paying the standardized CS payment demanded by the Province, and no SS at all.

I need to move quickly to get her to see a lawyer and sign this off. She is hell bent on selling the house and getting her own place, so I hope she will disregard anything the lawyer tells her about SS.

Fingers crossed.

EDIT; I forgot to mention that when we were finished talking, I was at the kitchen sink having a drink of water and she came up behind me and gave me a hug. I pulled her hands apart and told her I didn't feel like a hug from her. WTF?

[This message edited by ChangeMaker at 9:31 PM, July 21st (Monday)]

ChangeMaker posted 7/21/2014 22:22 PM

By the way; the VAR continues to yield interesting results. Heard her trying to turn some mutual friends against me with lies.

Badhurt posted 7/22/2014 13:48 PM

Keep theVAR going

ChangeMaker posted 7/23/2014 13:05 PM

I have drafted a separation agreement (which will be the final agreement because we are not legally married), and will leave her a copy to review tonight. It contains everything that we spoke about the other night, but I still think that when/if she brings it to a lawyer, the lawyer will show her what she could get in spousal support and she will change her mind about letting me off the hook for it.

Like I said to her, if she goes for spousal support, everything else is back on the table and I will go to war on each and every issue.

I'm the worst kind of bastard... smart.

Commanche1 posted 7/23/2014 19:09 PM

ChangeMaker, she still wants to be friends, this is so that she is not the lying cheating backstabber that killed the family unit,If you want a peaceful separation agreement, then keep that to yourself until the ink's dry

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