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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: My WH "deleted" emails from his AP
Trying297
♀ New Member
Member # 44132
Default  Posted: 4:50 PM, July 19th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The backstory: My husband and I have been married for 2 years, and went through a terrible time for about a year and a half: he changed seemingly overnight, became constantly angry and critical about my faults and my failures, I never knew what was going to set him off, and I was miserable and walking on eggshells around him constantly. He threatened divorce every few weeks. He himself labeled his behavior towards me as being emotionally abusive.

Things had gotten a bit better between us for the last 6 months. About a month ago, my BH asked me to use his phone to navigate as he drove, and he got a text from his ex-wife. As far as I knew, they hadnít spoken in years. He promised the texts were totally out of the blue, but I accessed his phone records and learned that he had been carrying on a full-blown emotional affair with her. Weíre talking hundreds of texts, and 25+ hours of phone calls, every month. During those months, he was barely speaking to me (when he wasnít berating me) but he was spending hours on the phone with the ex wife. He hasn't told me much about what they talked about, but has disclosed that he would complain to her about our marriage, and say negative things about me to her. They exchanged I love yous. Their contact tapered off over the last 6 months, as far as I can tell from records.

We are trying to R, but my WH has been TT for the last month, and I'm getting sick of it. He claimed that they rarely emailed, but I recently asked to him to login to his account in front of me. There are only a few messages between them, but enough to demonstrate that he lied to me about the frequency of their emails. Among them is a message from the AP's BH. He contacted my WH over a year ago, asking him to please end the EA, and he threatened that if my WH didn't leave his wife alone, he had "several emails and phone logs" that he would send to me.

The only emails that my WH still has in his account are from after the BH husband contacted him, so any emails that BH had are from before that point but aren't in WH's inbox - so WH has conveniently deleted them. Now, I don't know why the BH never contacted me to share those emails. I sure wish that he had. He may believe that the EA ended after he confronted my WH, but I have phone records to prove that it continued for at least a year. The BH and my WH's AP are still married, albeit unhappily.

I want to R, but I feel like I deserve to know the full truth about the EA, and since my WH has conveniently deleted much of their communication, he can't give me the truth. I clearly can't trust whatever he tells me. I'm assuming that BH still has those incriminating emails saved somewhere. Since my WH destroyed the evidence, I'm tempted to contact the BH to ask if he'd be willing to share them with me. My WH is adamantly opposed to me having any contact with him - he views this as me being "mean and vindictive" and "trying to destroy their marriage." I suppose he's worried that the BH may ask me what I know in return, which would reveal that his wife contacted my WH as recently as last month. I've told WH over and over that my WH and his AP are the ones who put the marriage in jeopardy, not me. But my WH is staying firm in his statement that he will be totally disgusted if I make contact with the BH.

I may or may not reach out to BH. But I'm wondering: is this actually a vindictive thing to do?


Me: BW
Married for 2 years.
DDay: June 2014
Trying to reconcile, but I'm doing more than my fair share of the work.

Posts: 17 | Registered: Jul 2014
tfkeel
♂ Member
Member # 19517
Default  Posted: 5:31 PM, July 19th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WH is adamantly opposed to me having any contact with him - he views this as me being "mean and vindictive" and "trying to destroy their marriage."

So, let me get this right. His affairs are not "mean and vindictive", nor are they "trying to destroy their marriage", however, your request for information is ?????

But my WH is staying firm in his statement that he will be totally disgusted if I make contact with the BH.

SFW ????

How about YOU ? How "disgusted" are YOU by him ?
A low-down scoundrel who gives himself permission to contact and emotionally engage another man's wife ?

Methinks his "moral high ground" is not too high....

[This message edited by tfkeel at 5:38 PM, July 19th (Saturday)]


Posts: 525 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Pennsylvania
amanda123
♀ Member
Member # 43207
Default  Posted: 10:59 PM, July 19th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Trying, welcome to SI, you have come to the right place for advice, to share your story and vent.
Firstly I have concerns that your WH was threatening divorce on many occasions, why was that? Secondly I have real issues when it comes to my H telling another woman that he loves her, how are you dealing with that one.
Your WH has got a nerve in telling you not to contact the OWs H, why? That is what I would be asking him. Is it that he doesnt want to create dramas for her and her marriage. So it is ok for him to have this ongoing EA with his XW and you are suppose to keep it quiet, HELL NO. He needs to be dancing to the beat of your drum. If he doesnt do as you ask and keep everything transparent, check his emails and phone logs if you can, if there is the slightest hint that he is still in contact with her , I would be telling him that you will spilling the beans to her H loud and clear.

Posts: 204 | Registered: Apr 2014
Trying297
♀ New Member
Member # 44132
Default  Posted: 12:12 AM, July 20th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for the replies.

I absolutely don't understand why my WH has such strong feelings about this issue. Actually, I guess I can't imagine that there are any unselfish reasons for him to feel this way.

Clearly my WH has deleted much of his communication with the OW, and there must be a reason he chose to do that. So if he really doesn't want me contacting the BH to ask for copies of those emails, it can only be because my WH doesn't want me to see them, plus whatever additional "evidence" the BH may have. Right?

In the heat of anger when I first discovered the emails (which is when I saw that WH and OW had exchanged I love you's), I said that the BH deserved to know that his WW had still been contacting my WH as recently as a month ago. That's when my WH really got upset - he said that I had no business getting involved in their marriage, and that I would just be doing it to hurt the OW. I honestly don't care about the OW, I just think her BH deserves to know the truth. And yes, I guess I'm assuming that the OW will be less likely to contact my WH again if the truth is out in the open. Maybe that's what my WH thinks is vindictive?

This is so, so awful. I can't believe that my WH has done this to me and to our marriage.


Me: BW
Married for 2 years.
DDay: June 2014
Trying to reconcile, but I'm doing more than my fair share of the work.

Posts: 17 | Registered: Jul 2014
NeverAgain2013
♀ Member
Member # 38121
Default  Posted: 6:25 AM, July 20th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Do you and your husband live near the ex-W? I wouldn't believe for one single second that it was ONLY email, texting and talking by phone if these two live within a 500 mile radius of each other.

I guess the ex-W's husband was using the threat of telling you about their affair as leverage in the hopes of getting these two to cut all contact.

I do think it's absolutely hysterical that your husband had the gall to call you vindictive and tell YOU to keep your nose out of THEIR marriage!! How did you keep from laughing hysterically right in his ignorant face?

More importantly, how can you even begin to reconcile with such an arrogant, nasty, self-entitled fool when he still doesn't think he did anything wrong and is STILL lying and covering things up?

I would absolutely contact the BH and compare notes. Bet he can tell you a whole lot of things your lying husband sure won't.

Call him - today.


Be careful - that 'knight in shining armor' may very well be nothing more than an assclown wrapped in tin foil.
ME: 50+ years old and cute as a button :-)
Ex-WBF: Just a lying, cheating, gravy-sucking pig - and I left him in 2012.

Posts: 1814 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: USA
painfulpast
♀ Member
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 7:55 AM, July 20th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WH did the same. He was disgusted, it was the stuff that trash-TV was made from, etc. He did NOT want me contacting OBS. I didn't care. I stuck to my guns that I was calling him because he deserved to know. My WH went so far as to say that if I contacted OBS, WH was leaving me. I didn't care. WH backed down.

What this is is your WH defending OW (his ex). You have already said you wish OBS had contacted you. Isn't that your answer? Or are you that concerned that your WH gets his way and helps OW by keeping her secret?


The stones from my enemies, these wounds will mend
but I cannot survive the roses from my friends

Posts: 1898 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
Rubix
♀ Member
Member # 44099
Default  Posted: 8:34 AM, July 20th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So sorry to read this honey. I was with an emotionally abusive man before meeting my present WH. He would talk to other women and sleep with them and blame me for it, but remember you haven't done anything wrong here. He has. Don't let him control you. Thoughts are with you (((trying)))


BW: me (25)WH: him (29-RemorsefulHubby)
kids: mine:DD 5 ours:DS new born.
Married: 6 months now seperated.
D-Day: 13/06/2014 - craigslist account. Secret hotmail account.
D-Day 2: 9/8/2014 find out he cheated a week before our wedding

Posts: 164 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: Northamptonshire
Didact
♂ Member
Member # 42867
Default  Posted: 8:35 AM, July 20th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There is nothing vindictive about it at all. It is the right thing to do. Your BS will be angry, but he'll get over it. OBS deserves to know, and you have a right to know what the truth of your M has been, particularly if your WH won't tell you.

For me, OBS and I still have an agreement to contact each other in the even of any attempted contact. We don't really like each other (mostly because I can't understand how she stays with OM, and she hates my WW -- who is the OW to her). Even with that animosity, we are allies in keeping NC intact. Fortunately, all four parties are really interested in keeping the A dead, most importantly my wife.


No matter how painful, life either adapts or it dies.

BH (Me) 49
WW 48
Married 1985
D-Day Mar 19, 2014
1 year passionate EA/PA, ended by me on d-day.
Attempting to R


Posts: 235 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: United States
wk55hn
♂ Member
Member # 44159
Default  Posted: 8:50 AM, July 20th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I may or may not reach out to BH. But I'm wondering: is this actually a vindictive thing to do?

By definition, vindictive means "having or showing a desire to hurt someone who has hurt or caused problems for you," so if you are not doing it for that reason, then it's not "vindictive."

I want to R, but I feel like I deserve to know the full truth about the EA, and since my WH has conveniently deleted much of their communication, he can't give me the truth. I clearly can't trust whatever he tells me. I'm assuming that BH still has those incriminating emails saved somewhere. Since my WH destroyed the evidence, I'm tempted to contact the BH to ask if he'd be willing to share them with me.

This quote seems to say you want to contact the other woman's husband to get the truth, not out of "a desire to hurt someone who has hurt or caused problems for you," therefore, by definition, it is NOT vindictive.

My advice is to save yourself a lot of wasted time and aggravation waiting for your husband to tell you the truth and just contact the other woman's husband and get the truth for yourself. Don't waste any more time arguing about it with your husband about it, just do it. Some cheaters will lie until the evidence is sitting on the table staring them in the face, and some others still will continue to lie even then. It sounds like your husband might fall into one of these categories.

My opinion is that your husband's motivation possibly could be that he still is able to be in contact with his affair partner and if you contact her husband, contact might end for good.


Posts: 373 | Registered: Jul 2014
wk55hn
♂ Member
Member # 44159
Default  Posted: 8:56 AM, July 20th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The backstory: My husband and I have been married for 2 years, and went through a terrible time for about a year and a half.

...

During those months, he was barely speaking to me (when he wasnít berating me) but he was spending hours on the phone with the ex wife.

This makes it sound like he's been horrible to you for three-quarters of your marriage. I'm sorry. I hope you are able to find the truth and some peace.


Posts: 373 | Registered: Jul 2014
Trying297
♀ New Member
Member # 44132
Default  Posted: 10:32 AM, July 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks again for the replies, everyone.

The OW does live halfway across the country in a city where we used to live, so I'm not concerned that he's seeing her in person right now.

However, he used to take frequent (monthly) business trips to that city during the time that I know they were having an EA. My struggle right now is that, based on the facts, it's hard to believe that they weren't also having a physical affair. It hurts SO badly to think that's true.

I've asked him directly if they ever met up in person, or had sex. He denies it. I can't trust him, and I can't prove anything. Where do I go from here?


Me: BW
Married for 2 years.
DDay: June 2014
Trying to reconcile, but I'm doing more than my fair share of the work.

Posts: 17 | Registered: Jul 2014
veronique12
♀ Member
Member # 42185
Default  Posted: 11:37 AM, July 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You go straight to the AP BH and tell him what you know and what you suspect. He may be able to fill in some blanks for you. Or you may be helping him confirm his suspicions. He may be able to tell you if his WW went on trips at the same time as your WH.

It's the right thing to do--for his sake and for yours. Your H is not your friend right now. Please look out for your interests because he obviously isn't.


BW: me (38)
WH: 43
OW: false "friend"
D-Day: 11/29/13 (4 month EA discovered); 12/19/13 (discovered was also PA); TT thru 2/14
Married: 2001; Together for nearly 20 years
2 beautiful young kids

Posts: 553 | Registered: Jan 2014
wanttogoforward
♀ Member
Member # 29912
Default  Posted: 12:33 PM, July 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hon... your H is simply not being honest with you.... he has a really big horse in this race and since it is very likely a PA as well he thinks if he can keep you from talking to the other spouse you will go on believing it was only an EA.....

Contact the other spouse asap! He has information that you do not have that will help put the pieces together.... dates he was in their city.... where his wife was.... he knows about some of this and deserves to know about all of it.

Your H gets no say in what you need to do.... his input is gone- do what you need to- you are not responsible for the fallout in HER marriage, and your H should not be one bit invested in the outcome for their marriage!

I truly feel your H is hiding a PA and hoping you will never know..... be prepared for what you may find out.... it may be very ugly, but at least you will know the truth... you deserve the full truth!

NOW.... what are the boundaries? What if it was a PA? What do YOU want? Has he been transparent since?


Posts: 1184 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: still lost
seethelight
♀ Member
Member # 43513
Default  Posted: 1:03 PM, July 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Trying:

Can you bring the computer to an computer store to see if the deleted emails can be resurrected?


ďIf two people truly have feelings for one another then they donít have an affair. They get a divorce and they sort out their feelings. You are accountable for the people you hold hostage in a marriage when your mind and heart refuse to fully commit

Posts: 1392 | Registered: May 2014
seethelight
♀ Member
Member # 43513
Default  Posted: 1:08 PM, July 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

trying

Also, please tell the other spouse of the OW.

I found out about my waywards affair through anonymous letter.

Despite the pain of knowing he cheated, I am still glad that I know.

As for your wayward husband not wanting you to out the OW to her husband. That is a standard response.

My wayward said almost the same words when I threatened to tell the OWs husband.

It was painful to see him so concerned about her wellbeing while I was so devastated and he seemed to be somewhat annoyed by being discovered rather than remorseful.

So, sharing my experience to let you know that I understand your pain.


ďIf two people truly have feelings for one another then they donít have an affair. They get a divorce and they sort out their feelings. You are accountable for the people you hold hostage in a marriage when your mind and heart refuse to fully commit

Posts: 1392 | Registered: May 2014
notanavrageangel
♀ Member
Member # 44154
Default  Posted: 1:18 PM, July 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I had been contacted by OWs BH 2 weeks ago about my WH affair with his spouse. I was in such shock and denial that I deleted his messages and let my WH convince me that the OW must have had an affair with someone else and was blaming him for it. He basically said to me that he would lose trust in me if I reached out again to the OW BH to get more information. Well, I did anyway and the information I gathered lead to DDAY. Yes he was upset I had contacted this other person, but only because his lies had to unravel at that point. I honestly think its the best thing I could have done. Although hurt by the information, at least I wasn't living trying to convince myself to trust my WH when deep down I knew the truth. If he truly loves you and wants R, then he may be upset at first that you got the information, but through therapy he should be able to learn and understand why you had to go to those lengths.

The first advice I received from people on here really hurt me, but some of it has turned out to be true. I just had to pick and choose what I was ready to read because some people are a little bitter about their own situations, and not all of our stories are the same or have the same ending. WH and I have been to our first MC appointment yesterday, and I have hope that this devastation will eventually help to make us stronger and allow us to learn how to create a better marriage in the future.


Me: BW, 28
Him: WH, 28
DDAY 7/4/14 TT till 7/18/14

"Reconciliation means working together to correct the legacy of past injustice." - Nelson Mandela


Posts: 230 | Registered: Jul 2014
seethelight
♀ Member
Member # 43513
Default  Posted: 2:02 PM, July 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WH convince me that the OW must have had an affair with someone else and was blaming him for it.

Oh brother, this must be right out of the cheating 101 handbook because the husband of the OW told me the wife, initially told him the same excuse.

The OW told her husband that my husband was most likely having an affair with someone else and I had her confused with that women.

But I had emails, texts, and porn videos of herself she had sent my wayward.

She couldn't spin her way out of it once he saw that evidence.


ďIf two people truly have feelings for one another then they donít have an affair. They get a divorce and they sort out their feelings. You are accountable for the people you hold hostage in a marriage when your mind and heart refuse to fully commit

Posts: 1392 | Registered: May 2014
notanavrageangel
♀ Member
Member # 44154
Default  Posted: 5:45 PM, July 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

seethelight,

yea must be. I didn't believe him but I wanted to. If only that were the truth.


Me: BW, 28
Him: WH, 28
DDAY 7/4/14 TT till 7/18/14

"Reconciliation means working together to correct the legacy of past injustice." - Nelson Mandela


Posts: 230 | Registered: Jul 2014
Topic Posts: 18

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