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User Topic: It's done.
Jrazz
♀ Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 10:56 PM, July 19th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This sucks so much, but your last post is just amazing. So much strength and the best, and truest perspective. Pissed at YOU for telling OBW the TRUTH, yet had a 3rd party hotline set up for "emergencies" (aka: "If we need to save our asses")? Fucking please.

I know it hurts, but you are going to be a better person as she has less of a presence in your life.

Sending big hugs.


Cherish those who seek the truth but beware of those who find it. - François-Marie Arouet

Posts: 17846 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
mhca
♂ Member
Member # 41920
Default  Posted: 11:02 PM, July 19th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BTW, I didn't post before about outing the OM because WW reads my posts here. But now she knows so I'll say I don't regret it for a second.

The OBW was very grateful. She said "thank you so much, I didn't know what was wrong, I thought I was going crazy." Now she knows a bit more about who she's married to, and as far as I'm concerned, even though I don't know her, I believe she had that right as a matter of basic decency.

I didn't like having that secret and decided that this thing wasn't my fault and I wasn't obligated to protect them at my expense.

Thank you all so much for helping me navigate this shitstorm.

[This message edited by mhca at 1:20 AM, July 20th (Sunday)]


Me: BH 47 STBXWW 47 (Lklb5)
M 19 years, DS 15, DS 11
DD#1: 12/24/2013
TT/Broke NC/False R
DD#2: 4/15/2014
TT 4/23, 4/24, 5/31, 7/19
Divorcing

Sample recovery plan, feedback welcome: http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=539961


Posts: 788 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: California
yearsofpain25
♂ Member
Member # 42012
Default  Posted: 11:04 PM, July 19th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Absolutely what Jrazz said.

You are showing strength.

She's not a safe person for a relationship is saying the least. Does the other BS know that they had "hot line" established?

Sending you continued strength and courage.

yop


25 years and counting of pain caused by mother's infidelity. Aftermath: 1 deceased sibling, 1 lost family, 3 lost souls.
"Each new day I am just glad to be alive and have survived all that I did." Ashland13

Posts: 2200 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast US
mhca
♂ Member
Member # 41920
Default  Posted: 11:06 PM, July 19th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

yearsofpain25: She's not a safe person for a relationship is saying the least. Does the other BS know that they had "hot line" established?

She does now. I didn't recognize the number but I sent it to her in case she does.

Edit: BTW, no google hits on the number, very unusual. It might be a burner phone of OM.

[This message edited by mhca at 11:17 PM, July 19th (Saturday)]


Me: BH 47 STBXWW 47 (Lklb5)
M 19 years, DS 15, DS 11
DD#1: 12/24/2013
TT/Broke NC/False R
DD#2: 4/15/2014
TT 4/23, 4/24, 5/31, 7/19
Divorcing

Sample recovery plan, feedback welcome: http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=539961


Posts: 788 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: California
yearsofpain25
♂ Member
Member # 42012
Default  Posted: 11:11 PM, July 19th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good.

Can't remember.... Do other people know about the A like family and friends? She needs serious help.

Peace to you as well mhca.


25 years and counting of pain caused by mother's infidelity. Aftermath: 1 deceased sibling, 1 lost family, 3 lost souls.
"Each new day I am just glad to be alive and have survived all that I did." Ashland13

Posts: 2200 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast US
mhca
♂ Member
Member # 41920
Default  Posted: 11:16 PM, July 19th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

One sister does (she is a FBW) and a few friends. I think she's been very alone in this and I've encouraged her to reach out more. Shame precluded that I think.

Now with D happening I think she'll be getting some of the help she needs and maybe being away from me will be helpful for her.


Me: BH 47 STBXWW 47 (Lklb5)
M 19 years, DS 15, DS 11
DD#1: 12/24/2013
TT/Broke NC/False R
DD#2: 4/15/2014
TT 4/23, 4/24, 5/31, 7/19
Divorcing

Sample recovery plan, feedback welcome: http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=539961


Posts: 788 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: California
mike7
♂ Member
Member # 38603
Default  Posted: 11:24 PM, July 19th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

to be honest, I thought her post here indicated that she wasn't 100% in. It somehow seemed too calm. "i thought we had a good weekend...." I don't know. It just didn't seem that she grasped the magnitude of what she did and was expecting a good weekend would satisfy you. That's why my previous post was "brutal" as you described it. I wasn't seeing what I thought was remorse. I saw manipulation. I'm actually very sympathetic to a WS when I feel like they have finally grasped the magnitude of what they've done. I believe that people can change.

until a WS is willing to do absolutely anything the BS needs to heal, (tell the OBS, tell friends, family, counseling, etc.) I don't think R is possible. It's like they're still holding on to some of the cards.

anyway, I think your gut was telling you this too. Now that everything is out in the open you will begin to heal. you will. trust me. once it's all out in the open, you heal, either one way or the other.

good luck friend.

[This message edited by mike7 at 11:28 PM, July 19th (Saturday)]


BH 53
WW 52
Two kids 21, 18

DDay 1/15/2013


Posts: 542 | Registered: Mar 2013
mhca
♂ Member
Member # 41920
Default  Posted: 11:46 PM, July 19th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

mike7: I think you and I were picking up on the same thing. Seems like after you hurt someone as badly as she hurt me, there has to be a vibe of "unconditional surrender," at least in spirit.

Instead I was picking up a bit of defiance and her keeping her real thoughts secret. Maybe even resentment that I insisted on my dignity. She didn't seem worried about D. Something was just...off. And my gut told me so. Hasn't failed me so far, even though everything else has.

Thanks so much.

[This message edited by mhca at 12:40 AM, July 20th (Sunday)]


Me: BH 47 STBXWW 47 (Lklb5)
M 19 years, DS 15, DS 11
DD#1: 12/24/2013
TT/Broke NC/False R
DD#2: 4/15/2014
TT 4/23, 4/24, 5/31, 7/19
Divorcing

Sample recovery plan, feedback welcome: http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=539961


Posts: 788 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: California
Badhurt
♂ Member
Member # 41947
Default  Posted: 11:47 PM, July 19th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mhca
It's time to STOP thinking of her and be selfish and think about yourself. After everything she did she was playing you along , going to MC , telling you you were not doing everything to move on, and all that time she has still been in contact with OM and planning on when and where to go bang him again.

She has made her choice and let her live with it . It doesn't matter what fog bull shit or other nonsense she could come up with. It is not your problem any more and I hope if her OM does dump her to save his marriage that you do not just reconsider taking her back.

This was another DDay after another round of lying and deception
Start detaching , I know it is hard, but every time you get down think about the feeling you just had finding out all this talk of R was going on while she was keeping her affair alive and well with a pre planned way to deceive you some more

Keep posting and try to get some rest


Posts: 1097 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Eastern USA
nuance
♂ Member
Member # 28793
Default  Posted: 12:10 AM, July 20th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Since you're going to D you should ask the mods to change your name here or get a new account. Don't give her ammunition. Also check for spyware in your computers.


Dday May 2000. R'ed.
People suck.

Posts: 1216 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: California
painfulpast
♀ Member
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 5:19 AM, July 20th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The OM has infected her, and she allowed it to happen.

This OM is a pig for sure, but she joined AM without him. He didn't infect her - she's been infected for a long time.

Her character is not what I thought it was.

There is no character at all. A secret 'hot line' so they can tell each other in case something is about to go down? Pathetic. And what kind of person joins AM? Why not just get 'whore' tattooed on yourself?


The stones from my enemies, these wounds will mend
but I cannot survive the roses from my friends

Posts: 1898 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
HobbesTheTiger
♂ Member
Member # 41477
Default  Posted: 7:18 AM, July 20th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi!

So sorry to hear what has happened.

Have you perhaps considered:
- therapy and/or support groups for yourself?
- therapy and/or support groups for the kids?
- contacting the kids' teachers and talking to them about whether they could keep a closer eye on them?
- school counsellor for the kids?

Best wishes to you and the kids!


BxBf, 26
Lots of FOO&other issues, working it through therapy
Legal profession

Posts: 242 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Continental Europe
jb3199
♂ Member
Member # 27673
Default  Posted: 7:55 AM, July 20th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The OBW was very grateful. She said "thank you so much, I didn't know what was wrong, I thought I was going crazy." Now she knows a bit more about who she's married to, and as far as I'm concerned, even though I don't know her, I believe she had that right as a matter of basic decency.

I didn't like having that secret and decided that this thing wasn't my fault and I wasn't obligated to protect them at my expense.

This speaks volumes, my friend. Besides doing what you felt was right, you are no longer keeping any of their "secrets" stuffed deep down inside.

Good luck moving forward. It sucks when all that you want at this point is for your spouse to understand your pain and devastation...and are simply met with another method of betrayal. It is cruel beyond words.


BH-47
WW-44
2 boys-17 & 20(special needs)
Married 21yrs.(together 27yrs.)

All work and no play has just cost me my wife--Gary Puckett
D-Day: 9/18/09 D-Day#2: 2/19/10 The Marriage Killer: 6/6/11
Heading for D


Posts: 2072 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: northeast
RomanticInnocenc
♀ Member
Member # 43041
Default  Posted: 8:14 AM, July 20th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

mhca I am absolutely gutted for you! I find the biggest insult to be the pretence of wanting your marriage whilst still keeping secrets and an open line to OM! That is just pathetic and despicable. If she did in fact ever want your marriage it was going to have to be on her terms and unfortunately how are worth so much more than that! I am so angry on your behalf. How dare she? You offered her such a gift, TWICE, the opportunity to show she was capable of being the woman you deserved and she still held the OM above you!

Sad to say I think your stbxww is going to wake one day and wonder what the hell she has done and mourn a series of stupid mistakes that led to her losing you! Why can't these waywards at least have the dignity to be honest and spare us the rollercoaster if they are not all in! What has happened to you is my worst nightmare! You are doing so amazingly well! Take care of you, post often and let us know how things are going. Look in the mirror and remember that you gave every opportunity to a woman you loved, that you are not to blame for her crap and no matter what happens, you will have those beautiful kids and the chance at a life living your way, with respect, love, kindness and the chance to build new dreams! Happiness is in the future, keep looking that way and don't look back at the car crash you have been so strong to survive!


Me: BS 31
WH: 29 (theseseatsRtaken)
DS: getting close to 1
Together 10 years, married 2.
DD1: 8th of Jan 2014
DD2: 10th of Jan 2014
NC: 8th of Jan
In hopeful R!

Posts: 326 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Australia
Didact
♂ Member
Member # 42867
Default  Posted: 8:23 AM, July 20th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

mhca,

There will come a day when she will thank you for outing the A. It won't be today or this week. In my case, with a remorseful (but still somewhat foggy at first) wife, it took three months.

You did the right thing.

Now, work on you. NC save for the kids and finances - logistical stuff only. Hire good experts that you trust (IC and atty) and then trust them.

At some level, it has to feel good to know that you are on a path that will lead to a much better relationship, even when you don't yet know who that partner is yet...

Good luck!

[This message edited by Didact at 10:27 AM, July 20th (Sunday)]


No matter how painful, life either adapts or it dies.

BH (Me) 49
WW 48
Married 1985
D-Day Mar 19, 2014
1 year passionate EA/PA, ended by me on d-day.
Attempting to R


Posts: 235 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: United States
Badhurt
♂ Member
Member # 41947
Default  Posted: 8:50 AM, July 20th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This OM is a pig for sure, but she joined AM without him. He didn't infect her - she's been infected for a long time.

The above says it very clearly. The OM is not important. he just wants to get laid. That could not happen if SHE did not go on AM all by herself.

Let's also remember that MHCA told his WW about the site and she has been reading and can still read what all of us are posting. Not that we give a shit what she thinks in her little devious mind. But any advice you give here might be going right to her as well.

She probably is NOT bothering any more since she is most likely now free to revive things openly with her latest fuck buddy.

As was posted, she probably bailed out of any R because the advice MHCA was getting here had her pegged and she was not fooling anyone, which kept him from falling for her shit. So that spoiled her little party she had devised to keep both her marriage and her AM friends around.

MHCA, you probably got good advice from previous poster to switch your information if you care to.
Although if I were you I would not entertain any more conversation about her other than when you are getting rid of her, financials that can't be handled by your attorney, and stuff for your kids.

I hope everyone forgets about any more comments on analyzing her problems. She is the worst of worst so you should be done with her even though it hurts.

You can do this.


Posts: 1097 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Eastern USA
gonnabe2016
♀ Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 9:09 AM, July 20th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She says she's given it her all

If what she has given you over the past 3 months, after blowing up your world, is all that she has to give.....then you'll be better off without her.

At the end of one of my particularly cruel false R's, I was also demanding to be treated with respect. Monster decided to pack his shit and leave. He sent me a text saying that the past couple of months had been "all about me" and he couldn't do that anymore because, well, what about *him*?
Good riddance, bubs.

I'm sorry, mhca. I know it's a shock to you right now, but you'll get through this and you'll be okay. Living without all of the drama that a cheating person brings into your life is really kinda nice......


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 8085 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
wk55hn
♂ Member
Member # 44159
Default  Posted: 9:38 AM, July 20th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey mhca, I just read your profile. I'm really, really sorry man.

Sometimes people change, and sometimes not for the better.

I have two sons, too, similar in ages to yours. Something I think about once in a while is, and your story made me think of it again, is how do you think your wife would feel if her sons married women who did to them what she did to you?

How are your boys doing?


Posts: 373 | Registered: Jul 2014
jo2love
♀ Moderator
Member # 31528
Default  Posted: 10:08 AM, July 20th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((mhca))))

I'm so sorry. Sending you strength.


Posts: 35898 | Registered: Mar 2011
mhca
♂ Member
Member # 41920
Default  Posted: 10:31 AM, July 20th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

nowiknow23, cantaccept, Jrazz, yearsofpain25, LosferWords, shiloe, traicionada, simplydevastated, FrmrBH80124, GabyBaby, mike7, Badhurt, Shero, HurtingandLost, HobbesTheTiger, jb3199, RomanticInnocenc, Didact, gonnabe2016, wk55hn, jo2love:

Thanks all for your kind thoughts. Also I wanted to respond to some of the comments that I hadn't responded to before.

Badhurt: Don't stop posting: you will get the emotional support here from a lot of people that have bee where you are today

It's happening already. What a great community.

yearsofpain25: I hope Lklb5 stays too and starts posting and making her own threads over in wayward.

I think it would help her, as it would have helped before, but I don't expect her to do it. I think she will end up hating SI for helping me finally grow some backbone.

simplydevastated: It sounds like she was more concerned about protecting her image and the OM than she was about protecting you and the marriage.

mike7: It's sounds like your wife was still more concerned about her image and OM than you and her family.

Yeah, or something like that. Her behavior has been very difficult to understand. She has been very upset when I questioned her priorities (me and the M vs. everything else).

mike7: my prediction is that over the next few weeks, the OM will try to fix his marriage and throw your WW under the bus. She will then have a "revelation" that she made a mistake and ask you for a second chance. it will be up to you what you do at that point, but I would have a hard time being a plan B.

Not sure what that would mean right now. I don't think they were in active communication until the OM informed my STBXWW about my exposing them. OBS tells me he's out late every night which means he's already moved on to other AM partners. In any event, I will not be plan B, ever. I look in the mirror and like what I see, clearly I like it better than she likes me.

I think you should move out with divorce and start planning the best life you can for you and your boys. completely detach from her with the exception of talking about your boys and finalize the divorce. there's a world of good women out there. when you're ready, you will find someone to share your life with.

Thanks. D is starting. No hurry on the rest of course, but it is interesting being able to daydream about other women. Whole different perspective.

what will she do? she will have to lie. When she starts the dating scene, she won't be able to tell men that she's a member of Ashley Madison and that she hooks up for sex. Men won't like that, so she won't say it. and when they ask her why she's divorced, she won't say because she cheated and signed up for sex with random men, she'll say the two of you "grew apart." But then she'll worry. If she develops a serious relationship, will you or one of her boys ever let out what she did? She'll be restarting her life with lies. Not something I'd want to do.

Her burden to bear now. You're right, I don't envy her going back to the dating pool with that history.

yearsofpain25: I really really empathize with those kids of yours. She really did blow more than your world apart.

Damn straight. We both want to protect them the best we can but there's no complete shielding them from the hurt that's coming.

Badhurt: You should feel relieved at some point that you did not set yourself up for another big surprise down the road.

I do. I also feel relief at not caring who she's communicating with any more. The part of inquisitive detective was exhausting and painful.

Jrazz: This sucks so much, but your last post is just amazing. So much strength and the best, and truest perspective. Pissed at YOU for telling OBW the TRUTH, yet had a 3rd party hotline set up for "emergencies" (aka: "If we need to save our asses")? Fucking please.
I know it hurts, but you are going to be a better person as she has less of a presence in your life.

Thank you so much. I think you're right that things will get better. Hard to see now of course. I suspect that things will be better for her too, some day. I have hopes that this will be a catalyst for her to make needed changes for herself. It won't be my business anymore, but now I have that hope.

Badhurt: It's time to STOP thinking of her and be selfish and think about yourself...It is not your problem any more...Start detaching...Keep posting and try to get some rest.

All good advice. I feel my caring about the thoughts that have obsessed me these past six months has already started to dissipate. I expect I'll ruminate quite a bit more, but that it will be reduced to background noise soon. Already starting to think about who I am as a person and what I want out of life. It's a strange, free kind of feeling.

painfulpast: This OM is a pig for sure, but she joined AM without him. He didn't infect her - she's been infected for a long time.

Very true. I was thinking more that her attachment to him is an infection of sorts in her brain. It has little to do with him, and all to do with her choices and her original decision to start playing on Ashley Madison.

And what kind of person joins AM?

That's the strange part, isn't it? The first time I saw the site I was disgusted. She, conversely, was excited. I can't wrap my head around that, but of course it's moot now.

HobbesTheTiger: Have you perhaps considered: - therapy and/or support groups for yourself? - therapy and/or support groups for the kids? - contacting the kids' teachers and talking to them about whether they could keep a closer eye on them? - school counsellor for the kids?

Definitely therapy for all. School help will have to wait since it's summer vacation.

RomanticInnocenc: Sad to say I think your stbxww is going to wake one day and wonder what the hell she has done and mourn a series of stupid mistakes that led to her losing you!

I kept thinking she would do that but never did from what I could tell. Regret, not remorse, as they say.

Didact: There will come a day when she will thank you for outing the A. It won't be today or this week.

Maybe so. I'd be shocked if she thanked me to my face. Shocked.

Badhurt: As was posted, she probably bailed out of any R because the advice MHCA was getting here had her pegged and she was not fooling anyone, which kept him from falling for her shit.

Good theory. And certainly if that's the case there's no question that D is the right response.

gonnabe2016: If what she has given you over the past 3 months, after blowing up your world, is all that she has to give.....then you'll be better off without her.

I agree. I think there's no question about that.

wk55hn: How do you think your wife would feel if her sons married women who did to them what she did to you?

I hope she'd be shocked and disgusted. But I have no way of knowing for sure.

How are your boys doing?

Same since we haven't told them. Planning to sit them down in the next couple days and and have "the talk" together. DS15 first, then DS10 after.


Me: BH 47 STBXWW 47 (Lklb5)
M 19 years, DS 15, DS 11
DD#1: 12/24/2013
TT/Broke NC/False R
DD#2: 4/15/2014
TT 4/23, 4/24, 5/31, 7/19
Divorcing

Sample recovery plan, feedback welcome: http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=539961


Posts: 788 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: California
Topic Posts: 73
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