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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Talk to me...feeling down
LA44
♀ Member
Member # 38384
Concerned  Posted: 9:35 PM, July 19th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I haven't written much in the last few weeks. I am still with my boys and staying with my parents. My H left a few days ago to go home (driving) and we will join him this week as we wanted to stay longer.

It's been kind of a crappy time for me. There has been non-stop construction right outside our home - even Sat.'s! The noise is relentless. My parents really don't speak to each other very kindly at times. It really bothers me to watch them and I have called them out a couple times. They are aging and Mom seems very confused. And I did not call my bf. First summer in 8 years. Nor did she call me. She told me months ago that she couldn't muster up the "energy" to have the four of us together (she is still "confused" with her feelings towards my H). I could have met with her solo but didn't feel right to me.

But this sadness I feel is really about me and my H. IDK...something feels different. No. He's not cheating. I just feel as if he has removed himself so far from the A - its left him. He goes on. I still feel hurts and pangs. Afterall, the A took place right under my nose here when we were visiting my family. Just being here is a trigger. Driving by head office is a trigger. I want to throw a brick through the window and have it find her her!

I actually asked him to leave the family trip days earlier too bc I was tired of his lack of presence. He went out one night (with my uncle), fell asleep early the next night. Went out with our friend on night 3, fell asleep early on night 4. WTH?! I got mad. He got mad back. Eventually, he saw the view from my perspective. I was lonely and told him so!

I have to say....I wonder at times if he fought for me bc he didn't want to lose our "family". Our boys. As opposed to me. I wonder if he just didn't want a bad name in our small town. Now that things have settled down between us, I am sensing a....complacency from him. And when I get upset, he gets upset right back. Or says, "I am sorry you feel that way." I never did like that kind of apology. He insists he is trying to connect with me. And while writing that he signs off with a G'night. No, "love you/miss you or even some stupid huggy blackberry icon.

I am not sure what to do right now. With our M. We need help but part of me is afraid to keep going. I go to make an MC appoint and then stop myself. I might feel less hurt in the future if I go at this alone.

[This message edited by LA44 at 9:37 PM, July 19th (Saturday)]


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2445 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
Myname
♂ Member
Member # 23138
Default  Posted: 9:52 PM, July 19th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello.

I'm sorry you're hurting and feeling alone.

Why are you not making the appointment with MC?

[This message edited by Myname at 9:53 PM, July 19th (Saturday)]


DD: 1-14-09 EA/PA OM #1
TT: 5-11&12-09
DD#2: 5-18-09 EA OM #2
5-31-09: Told me she hasn't loved me.
No kids
Me BH: 38
12-08-10: S

Posts: 3066 | Registered: Mar 2009 | From: Inside your computer.
LA44
♀ Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 10:05 PM, July 19th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks Myname. I appreciate that.

At times I just think, Am I ever going to be satisfied? Am I going to want to sit there and rehash and talk and cry and droan on about this or that?

I guess I do if I want my M to work, right?

I feel tired. If I was on my own, I wouldn't feel hurt but a late night, an early night, a missed I love you.


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2445 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
Myname
♂ Member
Member # 23138
Default  Posted: 10:12 PM, July 19th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I guess I do if I want my M to work, right?

This was going to be my other question. Do you want your M to work? I could understand if you didn't but if this is something you are wanting to try and save then MC I would think would be a necessity.

What are H's feelings on MC? Is MC something he wants to try or is he totally against the idea?


DD: 1-14-09 EA/PA OM #1
TT: 5-11&12-09
DD#2: 5-18-09 EA OM #2
5-31-09: Told me she hasn't loved me.
No kids
Me BH: 38
12-08-10: S

Posts: 3066 | Registered: Mar 2009 | From: Inside your computer.
LA44
♀ Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 10:23 PM, July 19th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We did go to MC early on. She was very focussed on marital issues as opposed to the A. It was me who ended it after 12 weeks. I suggested he continue on with IC and I would too. He still goes.

But now. Now, I think we need to go back to MC - and a new MC.

I do want the M to work. And I want to feel good on a more consistent basis. Again. I feel like he put on such an effort in 1.3 years and I was so so impressed. Lately...not so much and it really makes me question what things are going to be like 2, 5, 10 years from now you know?


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2445 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
bionicgal
♀ Member
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 10:28 PM, July 19th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(LA))
We are on vacation, too. It is a weird, happy, kinda needy time for me. I feel sort of the same, "My H isn't doing enough" thing. But, I am not sure if that isn't natural. Travel is stressful, even if you like it. In my experience, men can be very task oriented, and let the nuances of relationships falter when stressed.

I know I am kind of guilty of expecting my H to read my mind, or just figure out what I need. Did you need time alone with him? A date night? To have coffee alone? Just to make time for you? If so, did you ask?

Let us know how you are doing... Keep the faith.

[This message edited by bionicgal at 10:29 PM, July 19th (Saturday)]


me - BS (40s)
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA then PA
In MC & Reconciling
An affair is a personal crisis, not a relationship.

I edit, therefore I am.


Posts: 2058 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
LA44
♀ Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 10:36 PM, July 19th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks bionic. I did speak up. After a terrible day last week I blurted out...You have either been out or asleep and I miss you! I am lonely!

We had 2 dates and another night out with friends in 14 days. I think I kept waiting to feel this..... thrill - this deep happiness. Like last year which was awful and energizing and really lovely all at once. But this year...its not like that. He's back home now. I am here. He is talking about the back deck looking great when I arrive and his golf tourney. I am going, "Great. How about you just say,'I miss you.'

[This message edited by LA44 at 10:37 PM, July 19th (Saturday)]


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2445 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
Myname
♂ Member
Member # 23138
Default  Posted: 10:37 PM, July 19th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I did MC for a while too and our MC refused to talk about the A too. MC only wanted to talk about my failures. Even WW was confused by the MC not wanting to talk about the A.

A different MC sounds like a good idea. I don't think it would be good to go back to that first one.

I feel like he put on such an effort in 1.3 years and I was so so impressed. Lately...not so much and it really makes me question what things are going to be like 2, 5, 10 years from now you know?

As Bionicgirl said, have you tried verbalizing exactly what you need from him?



DD: 1-14-09 EA/PA OM #1
TT: 5-11&12-09
DD#2: 5-18-09 EA OM #2
5-31-09: Told me she hasn't loved me.
No kids
Me BH: 38
12-08-10: S

Posts: 3066 | Registered: Mar 2009 | From: Inside your computer.
LA44
♀ Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 10:47 PM, July 19th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I haven't done this in a while Myname. Early on our MC had us write out our Wants/Needs/Values. I would look at my list which I kept in my purse and marvel at how "on it" he was.

He was making great progress. Taking great care. By George, we've got it! But in a matter of months it seems like things are changing and this is something I need to re-visit. And I kinda resent that I even have too.


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2445 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
Myname
♂ Member
Member # 23138
Default  Posted: 10:58 PM, July 19th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think that would be good to do a little refresher course on the wants/needs/values list.

I know for me it was hard for me to show affection. I had to consciously make the effort to do it. There would be times that I would get focused on other things and just forget to do the things that my WW needed. My feelings didn't change I just forgot to show her how I felt in the way that she needed.


DD: 1-14-09 EA/PA OM #1
TT: 5-11&12-09
DD#2: 5-18-09 EA OM #2
5-31-09: Told me she hasn't loved me.
No kids
Me BH: 38
12-08-10: S

Posts: 3066 | Registered: Mar 2009 | From: Inside your computer.
LA44
♀ Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 11:00 PM, July 19th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks Myname. This has been helpful and so too is this...
My feelings didn't change I just forgot to show her how I felt in the way that she needed.


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2445 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
Myname
♂ Member
Member # 23138
Default  Posted: 11:04 PM, July 19th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Have you ever read the 5 love languages? I'm sure you've heard of it. If you haven't read it you and H should read it.

He may be showing you he loves you in "his love language" by making you coffee in the morning but you need to hear it verbalized because that is the love language you speak.


DD: 1-14-09 EA/PA OM #1
TT: 5-11&12-09
DD#2: 5-18-09 EA OM #2
5-31-09: Told me she hasn't loved me.
No kids
Me BH: 38
12-08-10: S

Posts: 3066 | Registered: Mar 2009 | From: Inside your computer.
LA44
♀ Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 11:10 PM, July 19th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, we actually read it and took the quiz. Both of us had Affirmation as #1 and then Physical for him was #2 and my #2 was Gifts. I love the little gifts that say, "I know you" like a fav piece of chocolate, coffee or magazine. I haven't rec'd one in quite a while.

It also made me think that perhaps I have not been that complimentary of him lately so the past few days I have been working on that.


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2445 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
Myname
♂ Member
Member # 23138
Default  Posted: 11:13 PM, July 19th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Initiating I love you's and things like that may spark him to reciprocate back and even initiate himself.


DD: 1-14-09 EA/PA OM #1
TT: 5-11&12-09
DD#2: 5-18-09 EA OM #2
5-31-09: Told me she hasn't loved me.
No kids
Me BH: 38
12-08-10: S

Posts: 3066 | Registered: Mar 2009 | From: Inside your computer.
LA44
♀ Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 11:15 PM, July 19th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

and I know initiating is hard for me. I doubt myself and I see my DS doing it now too. Okay. this is a good thing to bring up in MC.

Well...past midnight here and this gal needs some sleep.

G'night and thanks again for the feedback.


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2445 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
Myname
♂ Member
Member # 23138
Default  Posted: 11:17 PM, July 19th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Goodnight. It's sleepy time for Myname too.


DD: 1-14-09 EA/PA OM #1
TT: 5-11&12-09
DD#2: 5-18-09 EA OM #2
5-31-09: Told me she hasn't loved me.
No kids
Me BH: 38
12-08-10: S

Posts: 3066 | Registered: Mar 2009 | From: Inside your computer.
needfriendshere
♀ Member
Member # 43350
Default  Posted: 11:41 PM, July 19th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

LA44, I hope today is a better day for you. I know about the ups and downs and the wondering why our H's did any of the things they've done. Try to speak his love language. It has helped us to draw closer to each other. You deserve to feel special.

Hugs!!


Me: early 50's
WH: early 50's
Married: 23 years
DS: 21 years old
Other DS: 18 years old
D-day: 2/14/2014
H's AP lasted 6 years, but we are both trying hard to R.

Posts: 423 | Registered: May 2014
Exhausted in OH
♀ Member
Member # 34340
Default  Posted: 12:01 AM, July 20th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just feel as if he has removed himself so far from the A - its left him.

This is where I'm at as well. It still affects me so deeply - not constantly, but deeply - and I just don't think he gets it anymore. It's so far in the past for him, it's just a distant memory. And I wonder - maybe it's on me to stop picking the scab. And then I read here, and I remind myself that's it's normal to still be healing....

I have to say....I wonder at times if he fought for me bc he didn't want to lose our "family".

This has been the niggling thought in the back of my mind since the beginning of the shitstorm. He vehemently denies it. But who knows?

I'm sorry you're feeling so low - you are usually so positive. But as you know, it's a roller coaster, and the downs are a necessary evil. It's great that you expressed yourself to him. Now it's his job to figure out how to help you.


BS 42(now 45), WH now 46
Married 15 (now 18!), together 22, 3 great kids - 15, 13, 10
DD Sept 2011 - 4mo PA; on DD also admitted to ONS in 2007
R going well
And now I realize...- Me OEA - old college friend
No longer exhausted nor in OH

Posts: 439 | Registered: Dec 2011
918Mama
♀ Member
Member # 37756
Default  Posted: 1:22 AM, July 20th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((LA))

One thing I've noticed recently...once the constant trauma and survival post affair is over, and reconciliation is underway, the original marital issues might still be there under the surface.

I'm all for leaving and being happy...except that I feel like what you might be experiencing is less affair related and more male/female related.

If that's the case, those issues will exist in any relationship. A good MC will help you two work through that and get back in sync. Make the appointment!

Then, if you feel the same way, at least you will know you've tried.


Surrender to what is. Let go of what was. Have faith in what will be. -- Sonia Ricotti

Posts: 585 | Registered: Dec 2012
morethantrying
♀ Member
Member # 40547
Default  Posted: 1:52 AM, July 20th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

918mama: One thing I've noticed recently...once the constant trauma and survival post affair is over, and reconciliation is underway, the original marital issues might still be there under the surface.

I think this is soooo true. And it is hard not to let the marital fight trigger deeper hurts of the affairs. I struggled with this very recently.

LA44: I have some advice if you would allow me as this has really helped us: If you can get yourselves to a JOHN GOTTMAN couples therapy workshop weekend it is soooo worth it. John and Julie Gottman do an excellent job and you get to see them interact as a couple...even work out a fight right up on stage. It is informative,very funny, fun and very worth the rather low price for what it is.

We flew from a foreign country to attend and it was the single best thing we did for our love and our marriage. It does not take away the hurt or the struggles (at 18 months I still struggle almost daily), but it DOES give a new perspective and focus both husband and wife on the same page and a bit more positively. I cannot recommend it enough. If you have money for MC, than you perhaps can afford this...It was hard for us financially, but we decided our marriage does not have a price tag.

The weekend is with other couples and you see them as well (though you do not have to interact or even talk to them in any way....we didn't) all session you just find a corner and talk with your spouse and practice newly-learned relationship techniques--- it is truly worth it. In Gottman, BTW, you learn how to "keep the good changes going"...so important as you seem to indicate in your post you two are struggling with that. Also follow up research shows good maintenance rate with MC follow up after that...we do it at home too. A Relationship isn't just "fixed" and now we are done...it is a life-long commitment and a daily one. Not for the faint of heart, IMO!

We all want to be connected with one special person, feel loved and understood and happy. For us,Gottman (30 years of research BTW) really did work and it was worth it to give it all we have....only one life...and I DECIDED to go through this life with him...for better or worse...it is getting better now...actually a lot better than it has ever been. (going through one of my better days today

[This message edited by morethantrying at 2:07 AM, July 20th (Sunday)]


Affairs - hard on us both - but love will win.
Me: BS 55
Him: WS 62
Married 32 yrs.
dday TT from 12/2012-2/2013)...

Posts: 305 | Registered: Sep 2013
Topic Posts: 38
Pages: 1 · 2

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