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New Beginnings Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: "Friend" sent me flowers....
brokeninfl
♀ Member
Member # 21896
Default  Posted: 12:20 PM, July 20th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So, my friend, who I went out on three dates with before my whole life exploded sent flowers. It's a beautiful bouquet.

And... I'm mad. I was clear about where we were at. He agreed. He understood. He said he didn't want to add any more stress.

Honestly, when the florist came to the door yesterday my first thought was my ex, and I had a little mini-freakout before I read the card.

Am I over reacting? I'm just all over the place right now. I know that part of my reaction is stemming from feeling like someone else in my life isn't listening when I tell them no. The card just said "Thinking of you" -- so it wasn't some declaration of love or anything --but it's not a friend thing to do. (or am I just crazy?)

I haven't talked about it with him at all. He's somewhere deep in the woods in GA this weekend camping and fishing.

Ugh. Part of me wants to metaphorically hide my head under a pillow and ignore it. Part of me thinks i'm over reacting and I should just say "Thanks" and leave it at that.

Blech. And you know what really sucks?? This is seriously the 5th time in my life that I've gotten flowers. (yeah, 13 years with my ex and I got flowers three times) Its should be a nice thing. Not something that is stressing me out. Oh hell, maybe it is a nice thing and I'm just being crazy.


"On the other side of fear lies freedom"

Me - 36 BS
Him - doesn't matter
2 DS
DD 11/08
Divorced.


Posts: 1074 | Registered: Dec 2008
sparkysable
♀ Member
Member # 3703
Default  Posted: 1:20 PM, July 20th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

From what I hear, I like this guy. I know you feel that all this shit exploded with your ex because you started dating, but really, that's your ex's bullshit. This guy had nothing to do with your ex viewing you as his personal possession that nobody else is allowed to touch.


D-day OW#1 2/2004; R for 6 years; D-day OW#2 5/2010

Marriages that start this way, stepping over the bodies of loved ones as the giddy couple walks down the aisle, are not likely to last.


Posts: 3350 | Registered: Mar 2004 | From: NY
cmego
♀ Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 1:22 PM, July 20th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Honestly, it simply sounds kinda...supportive. I'm guessing he knows you aren't in the mental place to do this right now, but maybe in the future?

Just say "thanks" and enjoy the flowers.

Only address it if he does something that crosses the line. I've had my girlfriends send me flowers or fruit or something before, so it isn't out of the realm of just being friendly and supportive.

Remember, you are still jumpy and triggering from the last few weeks...


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced

"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings


Posts: 4146 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
Sad in AZ
♀ Member
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 3:47 PM, July 20th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes; you're over-reacting, but you're in a bad place, so it's somewhat understandable. Someday you'll understand that not everyone in world has bad intentions and/or a demented personality.

Till then, breathe and try to go with the flow. Being on high alert is going to mess with your body big time.


I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.

Posts: 20178 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
norabird
♀ Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 4:08 PM, July 20th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sure part of why he sent them is wanting you to know that when you're ready, he's interested in more than friendship; but I think it was meant as a kind gesture after what you've been through. Try and accept is as such and enjoy them, though it's okay that you are set off by even nice things right now. Maybe both let him know that and try to let yourself enjoy those nice things too.

(((Brokeninfl))))


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4172 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
Williesmom
♀ Member
Member # 22870
Default  Posted: 4:24 PM, July 20th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Shut up and enjoy the flowers.

Really. Don't forget to say thank you.


You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister. -George Costanza
There is a special place in hell for women who don't help other women. - Madeleine Albright

Posts: 7656 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Western PA
brokeninfl
♀ Member
Member # 21896
Default  Posted: 4:38 PM, July 20th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you guys -- for the support and talking me off the ledge.

I hate that i'm *that* girl now. ugh.

Shut up and enjoy the flowers.

This just made me laugh. Thanks for that too

I'm going to call in a bit to say thanks. He should be on his way back to town now.


"On the other side of fear lies freedom"

Me - 36 BS
Him - doesn't matter
2 DS
DD 11/08
Divorced.


Posts: 1074 | Registered: Dec 2008
caregiver9000
♀ Member
Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 5:47 PM, July 20th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was clear about where we were at. He agreed. He understood. He said he didn't want to add any more stress.

If I remember he wasn't all that agreeable to the decision but seemed to respect your need to make that particular decision? I would like him less if he pulled a "yeah, ok, too hard, POOF" after being your friend for so long.

I smiled at "shut up and enjoy the flowers" too!

I think it was a lovely thing to do. Thinking of you is not a pushy statement. It says "hey, don't forget about me." He can't be physically present since you have said that is too much, but he isn't going away either. I like him.

I wonder if the trigger of adrenaline from thinking it was stalky ex sending flowers didn't get transferred to him? Not blaming you, just making an observation. That fight or flight response to everything is not really the right reaction to flowers from a friend who obviously cares for you.


Me: 44, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 13 DS 10
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 5824 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
caregiver9000
♀ Member
Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 5:50 PM, July 20th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am going to repeat your signature line back at you... (I saw it after I posted)

On the other side of fear lies freedom.

When you get through this fear response, the freedom to "feel" all those other lovely scary things is there. I think he is encouraging you to cross that bridge.


Me: 44, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 13 DS 10
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 5824 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
brokeninfl
♀ Member
Member # 21896
Default  Posted: 8:39 PM, July 20th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wonder if the trigger of adrenaline from thinking it was stalky ex sending flowers didn't get transferred to him? Not blaming you, just making an observation. That fight or flight response to everything is not really the right reaction to flowers from a friend who obviously cares for you

I think you might be right Care. I was so freaked initially I had a hard time "coming down"

I like him.

Me too.

I called and thanked him for the flowers. We talked about our weekends, work etc. At the end of the call he brought up XWH. He said he wanted me to know I could talk to him about everything - and he wanted me too - but that he was trying not to bring it up because he wanted me to have a break from the whole thing.

He really is a good guy. A really good guy.


"On the other side of fear lies freedom"

Me - 36 BS
Him - doesn't matter
2 DS
DD 11/08
Divorced.


Posts: 1074 | Registered: Dec 2008
Williesmom
♀ Member
Member # 22870
Default  Posted: 8:41 PM, July 20th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yay. I'm glad you shut up and enjoyed them. Sometimes, it's that easy.

I'm also glad that you weren't offended by my advice, blunt as it was.


You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister. -George Costanza
There is a special place in hell for women who don't help other women. - Madeleine Albright

Posts: 7656 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Western PA
brokeninfl
♀ Member
Member # 21896
Default  Posted: 9:03 PM, July 20th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm also glad that you weren't offended by my advice, blunt as it was.

Ha! Not at all. I needed a good kick in the butt. I appriciate you caring enough to give it to me.


"On the other side of fear lies freedom"

Me - 36 BS
Him - doesn't matter
2 DS
DD 11/08
Divorced.


Posts: 1074 | Registered: Dec 2008
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 6:27 AM, July 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My opinion is not the majority.and my situation sometimes clouds my judgement. That being said:

You dated three times, your XH was going nuts stalking you during that time. You called it quits with friend, because you feared XH's reactions. You didn't want any more drama.

He goes away for the weekend, and the delivery guy shows up with flowers!

I think your original reaction is spot on. He didn't respect your boundaries. Your XH was stalking you and watching your house when you were on dates with this guy. This guy thinks it's ok to have flowers delivered to you knowing it's going to drive your XH to more drama.

It smells of a turf war and you're the turf.

There are other less noticeable ways to let you know he was thinking of you. Ways that wouldn't set your XH off and keep your XH's drama away.

JMHO. I would trust your first instinct. Keep your eyes open to his actions and your feelings. If he doesn't respect your wishes again. Please next him.

Hugs,
K


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 5105 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
Sad in AZ
♀ Member
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 7:52 AM, July 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Isn't the X in jail?


I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.

Posts: 20178 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
brokeninfl
♀ Member
Member # 21896
Default  Posted: 8:17 AM, July 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Keep your eyes open to his actions and your feelings. If he doesn't respect your wishes again. Please next him.

Thanks for your perspective K -- I will keep my eyes open. I do understand where you are coming from - and that was my initial feeling. I felt much less so after talking to him. I will remain cautious though - and I will continue to keep getting advice here if my anything trips my instincts.

Isn't the X in jail?

Not now. He was in for 48 hours for violating the TRO originally, but he's out (and has been out)

Actually our first supervised visitation is tomorrow. (not excited)


"On the other side of fear lies freedom"

Me - 36 BS
Him - doesn't matter
2 DS
DD 11/08
Divorced.


Posts: 1074 | Registered: Dec 2008
Topic Posts: 15

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