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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Do you think about the affair every day???
StillStanding1
♀ Member
Member # 40144
Default  Posted: 1:17 AM, July 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Every. Single. Day.

Sigh. 17 months out. It is definitely better the busier I am. I like MTT' s suggestions above. Time for me to kick this habit. 45 days? I'm going for it!!!!


Me: 40s BS, Him: 40s WH
M 21 yrs - 3 teens
LTA = 2+ yrs, Dday = 2/10/13, he moved out, he officially moved back in 1/25/14 and our work continues...

Posts: 710 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: MidWest
RidingHealingRd
♀ Member
Member # 33867
Default  Posted: 1:30 AM, July 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Every Single day - 1,297 thus far. I do not believe that there will ever be a day that I do no think about it and this horrifies and disgusts me. Fortunately, the thought no longer crushes my soul.


ME: 54 BS
HIM: 61 WH
Married: 28 years
D'Day: 10/29/10
in R 4 years and it's working but he is putting 200% into it (as he should) to make it right again.

The truth hurts, but I have never seen it cause the pain that lies do.


Posts: 2121 | Registered: Nov 2011
SMSA925
♀ Member
Member # 43955
Sad  Posted: 2:19 AM, July 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, everyday.. AND OW is same AP from 25 yrs ago, which I totally had gotten over and NEVER thought about, now I think about the A from 25 yrs ago EVERY F&#KING day, too.


Me: BS; 55
Him: WH 61
Together 32 yrs, Married 20
DDay April 17, 2014

Posts: 100 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: Phila. PA
Elpis
♀ Member
Member # 34118
Default  Posted: 2:21 AM, July 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

2 1/2 years since DDay and ya, every day.

It gets really tough when I see WH speak and act in what I call, "Affair mode." Times I see him reverting to silence. No sharing of thoughts. Verbal outbursts of how our family fails him. I don't like that person. It is not the man I married. Every non-spoken thought makes me think of the affair. Every selfish word (He wants perfection) is a red flag that tells me he could cheat again.

Note: His lashing out is not communication.

[This message edited by Elpis at 2:23 AM, July 21st (Monday)]


Me, BS
Hubby, WS
DDay Fall 2011

Posts: 94 | Registered: Dec 2011
confused girl
♀ Member
Member # 10649
Default  Posted: 2:53 AM, July 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yup, every single day. Eight years out. Very successful reconciliation. Strong marriage to my best friend.

It doesn't hurt anymore but I still think of it. Probably like I would think of it if I had a dread disease like cancer. There is my life before the affair and after the affair.

I knew I would never forget. That was one of the things I considered when we reconciled.

I can't even say I have triggers anymore and it doesn't hurt. It is just a passing thought.


Love always hopes.

Posts: 1382 | Registered: May 2006
Mac4
♂ Member
Member # 43122
Default  Posted: 3:32 AM, July 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

every day, every damn day


BS me 41
WW 42
Married 11 years
R for now I guess
DD 9 & DS 8
DDay 2 (PA) - March 3rd, 2014
DDay 1 (EA) - July 2nd, 2011

Posts: 99 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Midwest
Want To Wake Up
♀ Member
Member # 31583
Default  Posted: 3:56 AM, July 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Every. Single. Day.


Me 54
WH 54
Met 1978
Married 1981
DDay 2009
Latest TT... Nov 2013 (yep, 2013... not a typo!)


One man’s “fruitless conflict” is another man’s “meaningful discussion”


Posts: 477 | Registered: Mar 2011
morethantrying
♀ Member
Member # 40547
Default  Posted: 4:33 AM, July 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Inspired myself...tired of thinking of it...doesnot change a thing and only keeps me in pain....I don't need his help, I need MY help.

Stillstanding: a habit takes about that long. So, I realized that I must first IDENTITY WHEN I most likely think of it...cleaning house, driving, cooking...starting with those three I will pick something to think instead...wonder what would be good?

Good Book
working coming up
my cat


Affairs - hard on us both - but love will win.
Me: BS 55
Him: WS 62
Married 32 yrs.
dday TT from 12/2012-2/2013)...

Posts: 304 | Registered: Sep 2013
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 4:37 AM, July 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Every day. And it's why I'm up in the middle of the night right now- haunting anger but mostly wondering if I have the truth. And He's being great but were back from vacation now and he goes back to work today so probably triggering over that.
I go an hour without thinking of it. If we're with friends, busy with work, family, exercise...
I go to a bootcamp workout place and for that hour I think of nothing but surviving the workout. That helps!!

My friend 6 years out thinks of it every day. Hubby thinks of it every day and tries hard to distract himself.

Hugs to everyone!!!


his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

The conditions we face do not define us. They remind us of who we are and who we want to be.


Posts: 5230 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
frigidfire86
♀ Member
Member # 32324
Default  Posted: 5:07 AM, July 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

3 years out and I think of it every single day.


Me: 28
Him: 29
Married 8 years
Daughter, 7 yrs old
D-Day: 05/08/2011

Posts: 628 | Registered: May 2011 | From: Germany
SusanR
♀ Member
Member # 29368
Default  Posted: 5:34 AM, July 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am about 15 months out from my third DDay. Stii awaiting a formal SA and then plan on starting couples counseling to restart our marriage on new footing. I still don't know for sure that we can do it but, I will try.

The only reason he is getting a 4th chance is because our counsslor says he acted out of an addiction. A sex addiction, and, the counselor says my WS is working on it and is not likely to cheat as long as he remains in SA therapy.

However, I have to put a lot of faith in what the counselor says.

I do think of the A every day and it still hurts. I try to tell myself that was the past and to move on but I was so devastated by it. i don't think I'll ever completely get over it. I am learning to accept it but, my life, my dreams, my expectations seem to have beemn permanently altered and I doubt there will ever be a day I don't think about it.


Posts: 1952 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Midwest
neecee
♀ Member
Member # 43523
Default  Posted: 6:12 AM, July 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow! Thanks for all the responses. Unfortunately, they are making me feel worse!!! Lol! Thinking I should schedule an appt for that lobotomy!!!


What doesn't kill me.....better run cause when I get back up I'm gonna kick some ass!!!
me 44
WH 46
married 19 years
together 28 years
3 children 16,14,7
OW-lucky to be alive!!!!
D-Day 5/8/2014

Posts: 138 | Registered: May 2014 | From: new york
wk55hn
♂ Member
Member # 44159
Default  Posted: 6:43 AM, July 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow! Thanks for all the responses. Unfortunately, they are making me feel worse!!! Lol! Thinking I should schedule an appt for that lobotomy!!!

I don't think of it every single day. Sometimes I lose track of how long it's been since I thought about it. And sometimes when I do think about it, it's really brief and passes quickly.

You are getting a skewed response. People posting on a forum like this are likely to be the ones still thinking about it.

When I felt I knew everything, why it happened, how it happened, and that my wife was all back in and really was completely and truly sorry and felt that it would not happen again, that's when I stopped thinking about it every day.

The commonly accepted time frame to reach that point that I've read about is 2-5 years. It happened for me at a little less than 2 years. Unfortunately, there are no guarantees that it will ever happen.


Posts: 364 | Registered: Jul 2014
WabiSabi
♀ Member
Member # 43489
Default  Posted: 7:16 AM, July 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

At almost 11 months out I still think about it every moment of the day. What's hard is when my IC says I need to stop thinking about it all the time and move forward, focusing on me. I get it. And I am focusing on me. But I'm also thinking about my fWH's horrific immoral 7 month journey with another woman at the same time. At home I get pressure from my fWH to start having fun and enjoying life again…to stop thinking about it. I'm starting to have moments of fun again, but not with fWH. The problem is that I can't help thinking about it every single freaking moment of every single freaking day. I don't love thinking about it. I don't enjoy thinking about it. I can't help it!! So, the last thing I need is to have others not in my head tell me to not think about it, adding shame to the fact that I can't stop thinking about it. I refuse to feel anything but acceptance for where I'm at. I work to understand it, but I let it be what it is. My mind and heart are sorting through the pain and I'm not messing with their efforts.


Wabi Sabi… the beauty in imperfection. Struggling every day to find it.

Me: BW (45) Him: fWH (48) 3 kids M 21 yrs
7 mths INTENSE Sexting A w/COW (they sickly fantasized about ME)
D-day: 9/2/13
TT: Until 12/2013 (I read their deleted texts/Vomitted)


Posts: 116 | Registered: May 2014 | From: Midwest
Daisy312
♀ Member
Member # 36813
Default  Posted: 7:32 AM, July 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just over 2 yrs and I unfortunately think of the A, or OW every stinkin day! It's o exhausting! :(

Posts: 278 | Registered: Sep 2012
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 7:47 AM, July 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

One thing our MC suggested that I've tried to implement is a morning ritual of thinking about it as a mini-funeral. Doing some grieving for 10 minutes, saying to yourself how awful it is/was, allowing some grief and pain to go through you and 10 minutes later set it aside. When thoughts pop up during the day you say to yourself, "I already thought about that today so I don't need to anymore." It worked a few times for me.

This is how trauma works. We replay it over and over in our head. Sometimes it makes sense, other times it does not. We need to feel safe and this is a natural control mechanism so that we're on guard because our world, as we know it, is or has been in danger. Folks - be easy and kind with yourself!


his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

The conditions we face do not define us. They remind us of who we are and who we want to be.


Posts: 5230 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
sudra
♀ Member
Member # 30143
Default  Posted: 7:49 AM, July 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I will be four years out on Sunday. I think about it several times a day.

It's not crushing anymore. It's tolerable. It doesn't stop me and bring me to my knees anymore. But my gosh, who knew how painful and long-lasting it would be before it happened to us?


Me (BW) (55), Him(SAWH) (58)
Married 22 years, 1 son (19), 1 stepdaughter (27)
DDay #1 January 2004
DDay #2 7-27-2010 7 month EA/PA (became "engaged" to OW before he told me he wanted a divorce)
Working on R

Posts: 1492 | Registered: Nov 2010
2married2quit
♂ Member
Member # 36555
Default  Posted: 7:51 AM, July 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

2yrs out and yes, but it is not this tormenting vision that pops into my head and kicks me down. Well, somedays yes, but not as bad as early one. You're pretty recent since DDAY so it is completely understandable.


BS - Me 43 WS - Her 41
DDAY - June 2012 (found the texts)
DDAY2 - Next Day (found out who) EA
TT- till 9/2012 (some PA)
Married 20yrs. 2kids
Status: in careful R. Sometimes spinning our wheels

Posts: 1391 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: USA
starstruck
♀ Member
Member # 29547
Default  Posted: 8:00 AM, July 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Four years out and I still have thoughts of the A every day. Not as much pain with those thoughts but they still surface at odd moments in the day.

I believe this is my new reality.


DDay 7/29/2010
Am hoping to reconcile!! Am I crazy or what?
If we all did the things we are capable of doing we would literally astound ourselves-Thomas Edison

Posts: 323 | Registered: Sep 2010 | From: Pa
ILINIA
♀ Member
Member # 39836
Default  Posted: 8:07 AM, July 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

At 13 months, yep. I do feel like it is fading and as others said, they don't have the same hold on me.

I would like to somehow get rid of all the imaginary conversations that go on in my head like what I wish I would have said differently to the COW or how I wish I could redo this conversation with WH before the A or what would i say if I ran into the OW now. Gosh, my brain has spent so much energy on these fictional conversations and I know it is such a waste of time and energy, argh.

[This message edited by ILINIA at 8:09 AM, July 21st (Monday)]


Entering R slowly and cautiously...

Posts: 491 | Registered: Jul 2013
Topic Posts: 72
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