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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Do you think about the affair every day???
Doubts
♀ Member
Member # 40209
Default  Posted: 8:44 AM, July 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Every day:( Tired and bored with it, but still falling.
I wonder if W.S. think about A every day and if it is positive or negative thoughts.

Posts: 68 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: CA
SadFlower
♀ Member
Member # 37725
Default  Posted: 8:56 AM, July 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

23 months out, and I think about it every single day. Even with a remorseful FWH and an R that is going well.

But there's some progress: I no longer think about it every single minute of every single day.


Me: BW, age 66
Him: WH, age 64
Married 19 years
In R.

D-Day: August 14, 2012
9 year LTA with former co-worker and family "friend"/7 years EA+PA, 2 more years EA


Posts: 412 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Connecticut
Feelthrownaway
♀ Member
Member # 33772
Default  Posted: 9:45 AM, July 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, every day. It will just pop up. I don't feel pain or hurt anymore when it pops up.


BW- 48
FWH-49
D-day- aug 16,2011
Married 23 years- together 25

What doesn't kill me, scars me.


Posts: 1209 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Down South
Tred
♂ Member
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 9:56 AM, July 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

A little over 2 1/2 years out, still consumes me. Every day.


Married: 17 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 4092 | Registered: Dec 2011
Crushed15Feb13
♂ Member
Member # 38846
Default  Posted: 10:03 AM, July 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

17 months out - still think about it every day, and its on my mind most of the time.

I feel like I am going through life almost out of my body. I don't feel connected to the world much. I just can't wrap my head around my wife having a one night stand, much less letting it progress to a 5 1/2 year affair - which was exposed to the OBS 3 years in and then they STILL kept at it. And finally the OBS told me, and then WW breaks down and cries and says I'm the one she loves and wants to be with, and she'll always be truthful, blah blah blah - and then I find she lies about it for another year after that. WHO the *&#$ does that?! It is almost impossible to believe that I have been married to this person for 32 years. Except that 7 years ago, she threw it all away and never told me about it; and was never going to tell me about it.

Sometimes I think I really don't know who I am or what I am doing. I think I really should've left forever that first week after I found out, and never seen or spoken to her again. I wonder how much pain I'd still be in if I 'd done that instead? I think I will always love her, but the pain I live with now is just unending. I get respites from it occasionally that feel like moments of clarity but basically that's my life right now, and I'm not sure how to make it better.


Me: BH, 54
Her: WW, 54 4 yr LTA
Married 32 yrs, 2 college age boys
DDay #1: 15Feb13 - LTA 2008-2013
DDay #2: 27Jan14 - ONS, same AP 2007 - turns out it was a 6 yr LTA
Trying to understand

Posts: 267 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Colorado
kate0421
♀ Member
Member # 40819
Default  Posted: 10:05 AM, July 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow. I came across this question and I really had to ponder on this.
Yes I do think about it daily, but it has become such a "habit" and new way of thinking that I almost don't realize it. I may still think about it daily but I can tell you the thoughts/feelings and emotions are ALL so completely different. In the beginning I was shocked, then I went a little off the edge. Everyday and moment my heart was cramping and my eyes watering not knowing if I would or could make it through this. I remember having to buy waterproof mascara because I would cry everywhere, house, car, parking lot and public restrooms. The unexpected mind movies, all the songs on the radio. I was in soo much pain constantly.

Now I get up and get my children ready, breakfast and run my errands, listen to the radio (there are still a few songs I will switch over but I don't let it get to me anymore) I don't wonder if I can make it through the day anymore, I know I will. When it does pop into my mind it's almost like I know it's there but it's not making me weak at my knees or bawling over in the fetal position. I have come to terms that I can live with or without him. Either way I will be okay. I also know it's more his loss than mine. When it comes to mind now, it's more of a "oh ya, that happened" and go on about my day. If I have a question pop into mind I can wait till we are sitting down together and ask him, I'm not calling him or thinking about the question every Second which can make a day feel like years. We can easily laugh together and have a good time, but sometimes when we do, it's like my brain is reminding me to slow down and I will remeber what happened. I think it's a natural defense that I hope will dissipate with time. TIME- my least favorite word. I really do believe it's a key ingredient though.
Don't get me wrong, I still have my days where I do cry or get upset or even question wtf am i doing here? but they are getting further apart and it makes the times inbetween more enjoyable. What has really helped me like other posters have said is focusing on myself. Working out, going back to school and joining a mommy and me group. I would have to say that as of right now, when the As pop into mind, I think of how far he has come and how much he has changed over the years (even if he was changing before I knew about what happened).
I believe that if you give yourself time for you, and focus on yourself then it will get better with time, with or without your WH. It will get better. (((Hugs) )) sorry this was so long, like I said this really made me ponder.


ME: BS
HIM: WS
Together over 10yrs
2 children
DDAY 9/23/2013- 2 ONS (2009-2010)
TT. 5/14/2014- slept with OW1 twice

Posts: 280 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Florida
karmahappens
♀ Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 10:11 AM, July 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We are approaching 7 years out next month.

I am here quite a bit so I think about affairs and reasons and R but within the context of other people's questions.

The A and the OW have finally left me. Although I considered us R at about 5 years I still had a hard time with OW thoughts and other issues.

I worked really hard in IC, my husband has been on board and completely supportive with my healing and recreating our marriage.

So now, no...it no longer invades my thoughts or dominates my time. I am free.

If I come across an A related issue that once bothered me there isn't any pain or hurt now, it's more of a hmmm...

Eventually it does go away, but time alone doesn't do it, it is important to use the time to actively heal and create a new you, them and M.

(((hugs)))


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3858 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
Brokenworld
♀ Member
Member # 15293
Default  Posted: 10:32 AM, July 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am many years out, and yes I still think about the Affair just about every day, but not so much in the same frame of mind as I did initially. In the beginning it was all-day every-day. Over time my thoughts were often somehow connected to the Affair, but it was more often tied to my fears that it might reoccur. Eventually you will become stronger, but the trigger symbols will still exist and once you stumble upon something that reminds you of what happened, you can't help but reflect upon what happened.

Now I have to accept what happened as an unwanted ugly chapter in my life that I did not ask for, but that I had to deal with.

I now have a new motto to describe my life; I can't change the past; but the past has changed me.


Me: BS
Him: FWH LTA 10+ years
Married:32 years; Together 34
In R I pray
1 Daughter; 1 Son
D-Day 7/2003
Confrontation 8/2004
Relapse 8/2006
Reconciliation...2008

Posts: 144 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: SE US
2married2quit
♂ Member
Member # 36555
Default  Posted: 10:47 AM, July 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't know about you guys but 2yrs out and I'm tired of thinking about it, I could not imagine 5yrs out and still obsessing. I'd get a divorce. What's the point to live with the inner suffering?


BS - Me 43 WS - Her 41
DDAY - June 2012 (found the texts)
DDAY2 - Next Day (found out who) EA
TT- till 9/2012 (some PA)
Married 20yrs. 2kids
Status: in careful R. Sometimes spinning our wheels

Posts: 1417 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: USA
kate0421
♀ Member
Member # 40819
Default  Posted: 10:57 AM, July 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Brokenworld - I love that motto, thanks!


ME: BS
HIM: WS
Together over 10yrs
2 children
DDAY 9/23/2013- 2 ONS (2009-2010)
TT. 5/14/2014- slept with OW1 twice

Posts: 280 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Florida
Crushed15Feb13
♂ Member
Member # 38846
Default  Posted: 10:57 AM, July 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't know about you guys but 2yrs out and I'm tired of thinking about it, I could not imagine 5yrs out and still obsessing. I'd get a divorce. What's the point to live with the inner suffering?

I don't know that I still wouldn't think about it everyday after the divorce; I don't know that separating would end my inner suffering.

Like you 2M2Q, I feel the pain everyday in my chest.


Me: BH, 54
Her: WW, 54 4 yr LTA
Married 32 yrs, 2 college age boys
DDay #1: 15Feb13 - LTA 2008-2013
DDay #2: 27Jan14 - ONS, same AP 2007 - turns out it was a 6 yr LTA
Trying to understand

Posts: 267 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Colorado
seethelight
♀ Member
Member # 43513
Default  Posted: 11:00 AM, July 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am also two plus year out, and not a day goes by that I am triggered by something innocent to think of his affair.

It is very upsetting.

I also have dreams about it.


“If two people truly have feelings for one another then they don’t have an affair. They get a divorce and they sort out their feelings. You are accountable for the people you hold hostage in a marriage when your mind and heart refuse to fully commit

Posts: 1516 | Registered: May 2014
Shayna71
♀ Member
Member # 42105
Default  Posted: 11:16 AM, July 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

A HABIT: thinking about it has become a HABIT. You can't break a habit but you can form new ones. I am working on forming new habits where if my mind strays, I think of the things I am BUSY WITH. It is a lot of work to form a new habit. I hear it takes about 45 days in all...I keep at it.

Morethantrying - Thanks, I'm gonna give it a shot. 10 months out and I still think about it every day. Recovery seems to be going quite well. Husband doing and saying everything right. Trust isn't back yet, that's why I say "seems" to be going well. BUT I did just realize that I missed the 10 month antiversary! it was yesterday! That's a good sign I think. it doesn't consume my every waking and sleeping moment anymore, and it doesn't keep me from being able to function like it used to. I'm determined to get this out of me head at some point. I can't let the very worst part of my marriage be the one thing that hangs around the longest and the hardest...not if I'm going to be happy.


Me: BW 46
Him: WH 42
3 month EA and PA w/a mutual friend
DDay 09/20/2013
Married over 20 years
DS 26, DS, 19 DD, 18
Currently in R

Posts: 130 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Indiana
NoGoodUsername
♂ Member
Member # 40181
Default  Posted: 12:49 PM, July 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In looking through this thread, it seems like mostly the betrayed spouses who have replied. As a wayward, I want you guys to know that I think about it every day, too. We're a year out from dday.

The memories aren't good at all and I wouldn't go back to my AP for anything under any circumstances. I have bad dreams about infidelity. My BW and I are both working very hard to fix ourselves but it still hurts even on the good days.


Me: WH
Her: BW
Dday 7/11/13
"May you be protected from hearts that are not humble, tongues that are not wise and eyes that have forgotten how to cry."

Posts: 256 | Registered: Aug 2013
seethelight
♀ Member
Member # 43513
Default  Posted: 1:29 PM, July 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

n looking through this thread, it seems like mostly the betrayed spouses who have replied. As a wayward, I want you guys to know that I think about it every day, too. We're a year out from dday.

The memories aren't good at all and I wouldn't go back to my AP for anything under any circumstances. I have bad dreams about infidelity. My BW and I are both working very hard to fix ourselves but it still hurts even on the good days.

Well, thank you for being brave enough to post that.

I can only hope my wayward feels the same way.

I also hope you have told your wife how you feel. She needs to know.


“If two people truly have feelings for one another then they don’t have an affair. They get a divorce and they sort out their feelings. You are accountable for the people you hold hostage in a marriage when your mind and heart refuse to fully commit

Posts: 1516 | Registered: May 2014
Tearsoflove
♀ Member
Member # 8271
Default  Posted: 2:26 PM, July 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am 11 years out from the first one and 4 years out from the second. I don't think about them every day anymore. In fact, sometimes I go for long periods without them crossing my mind and I rarely remember the anniversaries until after they happen anymore. Even when I do think about them, it almost feels like they happened to someone else. There isn't a lot of pain anymore. When I remember specific little hurts, I can shake my head and think "I can't believe he did that" without actually reliving the pain of it.

Time really does heal wounds. It leaves scars but, just like with actual wounds, the scars fade over time. They are always there but now I have to actually look for them to notice.

And I agree with karmahappens. It isn't just the time, it's what you do with the time. In the same way that not taking care of a wound will allow it to heal but it will be ugly, not taking care of yourself will allow you to heal but you will be bitter and jaded.

[This message edited by Tearsoflove at 2:38 PM, July 21st (Monday)]


"Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand." ~Homer Simpson


Posts: 4276 | Registered: Sep 2005
LadyLove
♀ Member
Member # 40664
Default  Posted: 4:32 PM, July 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Every. Damn. Day.

And it sucks.. 21 months out..

Only difference is I don't care to talk about it as much anymore. We can go 2-3 days without mentioning it.. but it's forever on my mind.. and WH knows it.. and he is always receptive to talk about it - but is just as happy not to..

[This message edited by LadyLove at 4:33 PM, July 21st (Monday)]


BW - 46 (me)
WH - 48 Ladyslove
Don't know if I can live with it.

Posts: 93 | Registered: Sep 2013
neecee
♀ Member
Member # 43523
Default  Posted: 7:34 PM, July 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for all the posts. I just pray that someday this will be a distant memory and WH does all the right things to make me feel secure and we can rebuild a better marriage than we had before. Just knowing how long it will be in my head is daunting. I can't believe this is my life now. What a horror show.


What doesn't kill me.....better run cause when I get back up I'm gonna kick some ass!!!
me 44
WH 46
married 19 years
together 28 years
3 children 16,14,7
OW-lucky to be alive!!!!
D-Day 5/8/2014

Posts: 178 | Registered: May 2014 | From: new york
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 9:30 PM, July 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

A little over 2 1/2 years out, still consumes me. Every day.

Tred- no! Really? If true then I'm sunk...


his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

“Follow your intuition. Be smart, be brave. Tell the truth and don’t take any shit.”


Posts: 5535 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
knolls
♀ Member
Member # 39242
Angry  Posted: 11:10 PM, July 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wish I could say I don't, but add me to the list

He's her boss, so you know he sees her everyday. H just got a promotion, and 2 thoughts crossed my mind Did she congratulate him, and now she's more secure that she's golden at the job...

We no longer talk about it. But I have to see her fairly often, so that means I have to think about it

We have done everything as best we can for R and I'm actually very happy at this point in my life, but it's the one thorn in my brain that is always there somewhere


I am stronger than the storm.
I take every experience in my life, no matter how horrendous it was, as a learning experience

Posts: 67 | Registered: May 2013
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