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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Do you think about the affair every day???
PinkJeepLady
♀ Member
Member # 37575
Default  Posted: 12:55 AM, July 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for asking, made me think about that. Actually, at just over 2 years out I can say I do have entire days where I don't think about it. I don't think I could say it would be a week at a time yet, but entire whole days here and there for sure.

Today something at my work was a trigger and I felt sad (maybe a little mad too). When I got home I tearfully told FWH about it, we dealt with it and moved on to dinner and a movie. So I would have to say today yes I did think about it, but it didn't ruin my day. It felt more like we were dealing with it together, which is major progress for us!

For at least a year and a half I was completely obsessed with it on a daily basis. I tried some advice about giving myself permission to take a break from it for awhile. Maybe at first for a few hours or an evening. Then a dear SI friend encouraged me to take a holiday break and just full out enjoy Christmas and not obsess about it. It wasn't easy but I tried. I told myself I could go back to obsessing in January. Crazy as that sounds I did find relief and had a nice, peaceful Christmas for the most part.

I hope you are able to take little breaks from the craziness and find a bit of peace and relief now and then. I hope even if you do think about it everyday you also find some joy and laughter everyday! Hang in there, you can survive this!


Me: BW-54. Him-FWH 54. DDay June 1st 2012 cheating with prostitutes overseas
R-ing
"Not everything that counts is counted. Not everything that is counted counts." Albert Einstein

Posts: 484 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Out West
Ginny
♀ Member
Member # 43196
Default  Posted: 1:13 AM, July 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nine months out, I still think about it every.single.day multiple times each day. I still cry everyday. It sucks.

Posts: 78 | Registered: Apr 2014
morethantrying
♀ Member
Member # 40547
Default  Posted: 3:42 AM, July 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh, Ginny! I was the same way for over a year. I do cry now but not every day, (but a bit each week perhaps) but a LOT LESS now. Go ahead and cry. I can't think I could have stood the stress any other way.


Affairs - hard on us both - but love will win.
Me: BS 55
Him: WS 62
Married 32 yrs.
dday TT from 12/2012-2/2013)...

Posts: 284 | Registered: Sep 2013
struggling16
♀ Member
Member # 33202
Default  Posted: 7:28 AM, July 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes. At 3 1/2 years from Dday the thoughts no longer have the power to bring me to my knees.

The A and its consequences have resulted in changes in behavior for both of us that are very positive for the M. The fact that it took his A to cause those changes makes me sad several times a day.


Posts: 713 | Registered: Aug 2011
10yearsafter
♂ Member
Member # 43139
Default  Posted: 7:53 AM, July 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

After about 3 to 4 years I got to the point I rarely thought about the A. If I did happen to think of it I was not bothered by it.

Our R had gone really well and by 5 years I never thought about it.

Then at the beginning of the 10th year she had been traveling for work a lot. Then she got a personal cell phone She has a company iphone.

I started to trigger and get that gut feeling so I looked through her work phone and found a text conversation with her boss. They were out of town and at 10:00 pm he is asking if she wants to meet in the hotel bar for a glass of wine.

I went off the deep end because given that she had a LTA with a coworker, she should never ever have drinks with another man. Especially at 10:00 pm.Or any other time for that matter.

Since I never got the why answer as to how she brought herself to have the A in the first place then I was sure history would repeat.

I continued to watch and monitor both of her phones and look at her ipad for evidence of an affair but thankfully there was none.

I asked her about the meeting for drinks and she was upset I would think that after 10 years. But then she told me that that there were several other people from work there and that she had meet with a group of them on a few occasions.

Well I told her that her boss texting her to have a drink is inappropriate.

So now I am back in IC and IC says I need to ask her the why question so I can get over this all over again.

So now 10 years later I think about it everyday.
It is not as bad as it was 10 years ago.

When you have been betrayed and you R you will always have that doubt. Even if your are fully recovered. And you may go back to square 1.


Posts: 183 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Texas
justpeace
♀ Member
Member # 30804
Default  Posted: 8:00 AM, July 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am about 7.5 yrs out from D-day....There are days that I don't think about A. However,I still think about it VERY often (xAP lives next door). Biggest difference is that it doesn't pack near the punch that it used to or take up as much time in my head like it did. I also found over the yrs that when it pops into my mind at inconvenient times- I can turn it off, whereas I used to not be able to stop obsessing over it from morning till night, day in, day out. When I think about A, it doesn't hurt and make me angry mostly it make me a bit sad. I acknowledge my feelings, let it be and get on with the day. It was an ugly time in my life and I hope to never go to that place again. I feel for everyone going through those horrible dark days, it does get better, but it takes patience, work and sorry to say- TIME. Hang in there!


BS(me)-late 40's
FWH-late 40's
3 teens
M-20+yrs
DDay 1/07

MOW- WAS my friend,STILL my neighbor.

Posts: 67 | Registered: Jan 2011
Ascendant
♂ Member
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 9:35 AM, July 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yup. Every single day. Probably at least once an hour.


I refuse to let a wound ruin me.
**Guts over fear.**

Posts: 2065 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Illinois
pizzalover
♀ Member
Member # 38336
Default  Posted: 3:43 PM, July 24th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm a WW...I hope it's okay that I respond. Today is our 1 1/2 year antiversary. I think about my actions and what I have done to my BH EVERY SINGLE DAY. There's not a day that goes by that I don't think about what I have done to the man I love. I'm sure it will always be on my mind. You can't inflict this kind of pain and not have it seared into your brain.


Repulsed daily by my actions

Me - WW 39
Him - BH 39 (mpb1974)
2 Furrbabies - sweet cats

Met - 8/13/99
Started dating - 9/11/99
Moved in together - 3/03
Engaged - 6/5/09
Married - 8/21/10
D-Day - 1/24/13
Affair started 5/09


Posts: 442 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: PA
aero1122
♀ Member
Member # 41575
Default  Posted: 10:08 PM, July 24th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Every fricking day!

I pray for the day to come that I won't think about it.


Me-35
WH-36
Together 18 years
Married 7 years
2 kids
D-day 12-7-13
Both currently in counseling
Trying to R

I am a warrior!
I will survive and thrive!


Posts: 101 | Registered: Dec 2013
1owner
♂ Member
Member # 41157
Default  Posted: 8:30 AM, July 25th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes.

Just over a year since dday, and the betrayal is still always in the back of my mind, sometimes in the front.

Sometimes I think I am a fool for giving a second chance. If she did it once, will she do it again?

Betrayal by the one closest to you, your spouse. Permanent ouch. Nothing cuts deeper.

I'm not really a drinker, but I have considered getting a bottle of whiskey and checking into a hotel for a weekend, getting drunk and seeing if I have a little time without it on my mind when I wake up. But, I know that is not a healthy way to cope. And, I don't really like hotels. Camping is more like it.

I don't have anyone IRL to talk to, so I read on SI and post some.

Some days are better than others, some are worse, but the betrayal is always in my mind somewhere.


Posts: 197 | Registered: Oct 2013
needfriendshere
♀ Member
Member # 43350
Default  Posted: 9:06 AM, July 25th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Crushed15Feb13, I agree with you. I think about it every day too - sometimes all day. And I, too, have considered getting a divorce, but only briefly. I realize that being divorced will still keep those thoughts in my head and I'd be going through it alone! I won't have the support of my FWH to help me through it as he does now.

The way I see it, my FWH and I are in this together. And, together, we will deal with ALL of the ramifications of his LTA. If that means he has to comfort me when I wake up crying from the continuous nightmares, that's the way it has to be. It is like a disease that needs constant treatment. A disease HE gave me.

It has only been just over 5 months and I imagine that, in time, it will get better. I am encouraged by those of you who say that, yes, you still think about it, but it no longer has any power over you.

This is a good thread. Thanks for posting!


Me: early 50's
WH: early 50's
Married: 23 years
DS: 21 years old
Other DS: 18 years old
D-day: 2/14/2014
H's AP lasted 6 years, but we are both trying hard to R.

Posts: 399 | Registered: May 2014
krsplat
♀ Member
Member # 43242
Default  Posted: 9:14 AM, July 25th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think about it every single day, sometimes all day. I don't cry every day anymore, and I laugh often. I think I'm holding my own.


Me & WH: 48, married 22 years, 4 kids
DDay: 3/5/14, 7 yr LTA plus multiple ONS
Status: Back on the coaster. Who knows?

Posts: 339 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Virginia
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