I think the injured party should have the right to decide if they want to or not. In the case where there are two having an affair and both are married, this wouldn't probably help very much, but when there is a single AP involved it could be very satisfying.
I would have loved to slapped AP with a lawsuit. If they can tack on pain & suffering to an accident victim suit, why not in the case of an affair? How much pain & suffering were they a party in causing the BS? And the WS shouldn't be exempt either.
If there were more to fear than just getting caught, maybe there'd be less cheating. (Apparently, I was a Texas lawmaker in my previous life..lol)
[This message edited by Schadenfreude at 5:56 AM, July 21st (Monday)]
Problem with lawsuit for money is that it encourages collusion
By h & w against accused OM. Didn't you know my wife had A with Bill Gates and I'm heartbroken?
Many years ago many states abolished these suits along with breach of promise to marry suits because they were breeding grounds for perjury.
While I understand the reasons why these laws were abolished i would just like to say that i actually empathize with the issue flatlined has raised. I myself have said for a time now (6 months out from dday) that in my observation, the pain, suffering and trauma caused by infidelity is so pervasive, long lasting and crippling, it would appear to outweigh the repercussions of many crimes for which imprisonment is regularly dealt as the punishment.
For example, you can go to jail for stealing someones DVD player, or for forging their signature, but the wounds caused by those acts are relatively easier and somewhat simpler to close. Whereas the hurt i have caused my BS by stealing from her the happiness she should have had during her first born sons first 6 months of life, is devastatingly difficult to recover from and the happiness itself, impossible to replace. She cant just go out and buy another 6 months with her new born. She cant just go out and buy another wedding day with me.
I tend to agree that in this way, it seems our societal acceptance of infidelity, perpetuated greatly by the media, movies, tv shows and music, is really unjust.
When WH told me that one of the reasons he cheated was because I wasn't giving him the sex he wanted, I responded with...well, if you didn't have the car you wanted or the house you wanted would you steal to get the money to be able to purchase them and he said no. When I asked him why not, he said because he could go to jail. When I asked if it could have stopped him from cheating if he may have had to go to jail, his response was "probably".
Apparently a very few states still have this law on the books.
I wonder how many BS actually filed. Seems it would be very embarrassing....for all parties.
I am learning as I go along and believe me there is much to learn.
from 09/11 - 05/13
2 ONS, 10 sexting partners, 1 LT EA/PA
??/06/13 DD/1 - admits to LT EA, begin false R.
01/13/14 DD/2 - LTA was PA.
01/18/14 DD/3 - sexting 5 guys.
01/19/14 DD/4 - 2 ONS with different guys
I'm in favor of there being some sort of legal something for breaking a contract. After all, marriage is really a legal state, it protects money. We call it a religious state, but the government looks at is as a legal one (protects inheritance, taxes, etc).
But, the emotional element is what causes problems.
eta: I could also claim fraud since my ex is now gay. I'd LOVE to see this as a prosecutable offense, trust me.
[This message edited by cmego at 7:49 AM, July 21st (Monday)]
"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings
I mean hell, I live in a state where if you get so many DUI's, you have to have a very noticeable special plate on your car, so bring in the scarlet letters!
[This message edited by Secrets Kept at 9:11 AM, July 21st (Monday)]
..not only was the OM my 'best friend' for 25 years, he also acted as our lawyer on a few ocassions, House and cottage transactions.
..he conducted 15 years of the affair from and thru his law office.. on his phone pressuring my wife to come down for lunch and a bj..
..he even went so far as to purposely miss my wife's signature on documents so he could get her back to his office.
..the Law Society of UpperCanada I think would frown upon his breach of professional ethics and conduct while acting for clients.
..his secretary no doubt booked him off for extended lunch hours with Mrs. Somanyyears.. would I love to see his appointment book for those years... to confirm the frequency of their 'arrangement' !!!
..a breach of all the rules of conduct, morally and professionally.
..sadly, I only learned the whole, disgusting truth 3 years after he died, including the news that he'd died! a whopping brain tumour at 57..
..way better than a law suit, I'd say!! God sued his ass right off the face of the planet.
*psalm 109 tells the story right down to the 2 sons wandering fatherless ..
..I probably could have sued the entire law firm..5 partners in the office..
..any lawyers out there who want to weigh in on this one???
I think I like the scarlet letter idea.....
Me- BW, 28
Him- fWh, 34
Mostly R'd, minus a few scars...bought a house and got a puppy...And baby makes 3! She arrived August
It would probably be difficult to prove though.
I've become more and more in favor of a scarlet A tattooed on their foreheads
I understand the pain and anger. Many cheat as youngsters and out grow it other make a mistake (or many) but wake up and make the changes necessary to be better people. And while I'd love it if there was some magic way to ensure that I'd never be cheated on again. Alas there isn't. There isn't a way that I can be sure that past behavior is indicative of future performance. I have seen so many WS turn the corner and leave those ways behind that I would hate for them to bear a tattoo forever.
The pain exists no matter what happens. I don't think monetary gain would have helped me heal. I don't think making my XW suffer would have helped me heal. I wish I knew the answer to less cheating but the only thing I can come up with is to talk with our kids as they are starting to date and what marriage vows mean and how to deal with voids, conflicts, and urges within a marriage and not stray to fill them. Encouraging an environment of right and wrong. Discussing with our spouses or SOs and kids the "wrong" behaviors that we see Hollywood glorify.
Think of the haters in your life as sandpaper; they’ll scratch you up time and time again but in the end you’re polished, smooth, and spotless..while they end up useless
We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give.
No longer together
"To be loyal to myself is to allow myself to grow and change, and challenge who I am and what I think."
The years of IC that was needed as a direct result if the A. I emotionally could no longer live in that state so I sold my house at a loss as well as my business. 4 years later with a new business I'm still not making what I did back then.
I've lost 100's of thousands of dollars as a direct result of the A. Never mind the pain and suffering.
I've always felt I should have been compensated by someone for this. Either WW or OM or both.
It is what drives me to build a bigger and better business now. So I do try and use it for a positive.
Yes, I think affairs should be prosecutable.
The issues of fraud relating to them regarding collusion and such can pertain to any crime.
I really don't understand why theft of marital assets is not a crime.
Also, married people have to get a license, why bother it the license is not enforceable.
The no fautl divorce laws are ludicrous, too. If someone cheats, the faithful spouse should keep all the leftover assets.
My husband had several hidden bank acounts and a hidden credit card. All the statements were going to his office.
When, I first found out about the affair, he told me he spent maybe $400 during the LTA.
I later hired a forensic accoutant and found the hidden accounts and credit card.
I found out that he spent far more on the affair partner than he admitted to.
It was money we really did not have. And, meanwhile, while the two were out on the town or on vacations living it up, I was sitting at home juggling bills.
He and the affair partner were both stealing from their spouses and children.
The AP had bought my husband gifts, and since she never worked a day in her life, she had to use her husband's money to pay for it.
That money was theft of assets from the spouse and children.
It is so sickening.
Not to mention the 3rd party knowingly trying to break up your family (or at least your partnership) that you've invested years of your life/time/income into.
Why is prostitution illegal and being a whore is not.
With prostitution, if caught, both the "john and the prostitute can be charged.
Both can spread disease.
In my situation, the OW was a serial cheater. She was very expereienced at cheating and was instructing my husband how to cheat without getting caught, based on the emails and texts I found.
She was also describing in graphic detail a few one nighters she had engaged in.
I was appalled that my husband would be insane enough to touch her, knowing that.
Yes, she could have given my husband a deadly disease and he could have passed it to me.