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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: yesterday
Neverwudaguessed
♀ Member
Member # 41884
Default  Posted: 9:41 PM, July 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I
have heard you say that if he agreed to move you don't know that you would want to. So I am not sure how much of a sticking point it really is for you. I believe that you are extremely reluctant to put both feet in at this point, because you don't feel that he has felt your pain enough.

^^ This is what I was getting at regarding the fact that you might just be ok if he was willing to talk about the move and that if he agreed, that just may be enough that you might not even need to follow through. I don't get the feeling that it is the actual move as much as it is the idea that it is not even on the table for your husband while he knows that this is an important issue for you. Your conversation with your individual counselor is to me, the crux of the matter:

My IC said I need more reassurance from him and to accept where I am right now. That if he meets some of my emotional needs that I will start to heal faster. I need to ask him what his priority is and what exactly that looks like to him. I said shouldn't people do anything to make amends? She said yep.

The moving or not moving is a symptom of you not feeling valued. If you felt more from him in the way of having your emotional needs met, you may be able to take the importance of the move issue and bring it to a lower status.

I think that it is precisely because he sits right where you do that may be the challenge; but it is because you have both been hurt and both of you need more healing. But it can be done if you are both motivated to get there, and it sounds to me like this is the case.

The question of why you would fight for a marriage where you do not feel cherished at the moment is not a hard question to me. You love him and he loves you; you are both hurt and have both done work to stay. That does not mean that it is easy and that the work is done, and while you do not have the result currently that you desire, this does not, in my opinion mean that you will never get there. What does your gut tell you?


BW: 44 Me
WH:48
DDay1 9-9-13 (18th Wedding Anniversary) 6 wk EA, 1 wk PA
DDay2: 10-25-13 EA/PA with same OW 12 1/2 years ago for 3 months
OW: XGF Predator who never stopped pursuing WH
DS 13
DD 11

Posts: 745 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: New York
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 5:28 AM, July 24th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I believe that you are extremely reluctant to put both feet in at this point, because you don't feel that he has felt your pain enough.

Bingo! But how could this be? He's a BS too?

I'm doing some writing about all this and will give it to him.

We did talk last night. I asked for more reassurance. He does really want to be married to be becasue he loves me. He said I have changed a LOt.I said you really haven't. You were never a douche before.
I said I measure hm against my own WS yardstick.
But I said if I didn't reach for the A coping mechanism during the last 2.5 years of bullshit I'll never reach for it. He repeated that three times under his breath


his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

“Follow your intuition. Be smart, be brave. Tell the truth and don’t take any shit.”


Posts: 5532 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 5:45 AM, July 24th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Never woulda- exactly!!!
I'll respond more later!


his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

“Follow your intuition. Be smart, be brave. Tell the truth and don’t take any shit.”


Posts: 5532 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
Topic Posts: 63
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