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New Beginnings Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Haven't been around in awhile
completeshock
♀ Member
Member # 19334
Default  Posted: 7:02 AM, July 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So many new names that I don't recognize!

I decided to take a bit of an SI break last year (not that I was a really frequent poster anyway) so that I could focus on my IRL relationships, but now I'm back looking for your infinite wisdom.

Began dating "B" approximately 6 months ago. Things are/were great. We have a lot of the same interests, respect and trust each other. As we all know, the trust part is the hardest. It just feels so natural with him, I never thought I'd get that back with anyone again.

So why am I here? There is always a "but"...

He dropped a bomb on me yesterday. He told me that while he could see himself with me for the rest of his life, wants to get married, have kids, etc. he doesn't see himself as being able to be with one person physically for the rest of his life. I'm crushed you guys, completely crushed.

He told me he believes in "emotional monogamy" but doesn't believe that it is natural to be with one person physically forever. He said he would never want to hurt me and would never lie to me, but he sees sex as just sex

I told him I didn't feel the same way and then he started to backtrack a bit. I know I mean a lot to him and I know he doesn't want to screw this up, but this isn't something we can compromise on.

I don't know what to do. I can't pretend we didn't have this talk. I can't really confront him right now as I left yesterday for a work trip (right after this came to light.) Ultimately, I will need to end this if we can't agree and my point of view sure isn't changing!

Is this something even worth discussing with him or is it dead in the water? Is this something views can change on once faced with an ultimatum?

I'll be honest when I say that at times in my life I have viewed sex as just sex and I have changed. I don't know, the whole thing just makes me feel sick.


Sometimes you have to forget what you want and remember what you deserve.

Posts: 1740 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: East Coast
cmego
♀ Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 7:08 AM, July 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

completeshock...I'm so sorry.

For me, that would be a deal breaker. It is too bad this topic didn't come up (no pun intended) earlier in your relationship. I simply couldn't handle that. I know people have open marriages and such, and it works for them if both people are on the same page.

Even if he backtracked and said it didn't really matter...knowing how he feels, do you think you could trust him... forever?


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced

"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings


Posts: 4182 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
completeshock
♀ Member
Member # 19334
Default  Posted: 7:13 AM, July 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

cmego, thanks. Deep down, I know you're right. Oddly enough though, this hasn't shaken my trust in him which almost makes it harder. It was never the physical parts of the A that bothered me, it was the deceit.

There is always a "but"


Sometimes you have to forget what you want and remember what you deserve.

Posts: 1740 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: East Coast
stronger08
♂ Member
Member # 16953
Default  Posted: 7:27 AM, July 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sorry CS, but this guy is nothing but a cheater dressed in nice guy clothes. People can and do practice monogamy, he just chooses not to. Like con artists, cheaters fit in with the public very easily. They gain your confidence while raiding your bank account. And after all when you look at it being cheated on is nothing more then an emotional con. You bought what you thought was a diamond only to get a lump of shit instead. Onward and upward my friend. Shake this one off and get back on the horse when your ready. There is an honest one out there waiting for you, I promise you that !!!!


You cant eat soup with chopsticks.

Posts: 5720 | Registered: Nov 2007
lieshurt
♀ Member
Member # 14003
Default  Posted: 7:35 AM, July 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'd be royally pissed off at the guy. You've been together 6 months and now this is something he brings up? Oh no, I think he just found somebody he'd like to shag and so he brings this up to see if you will give him a pass to go have some "fun".

After that discussion, there would be no way I'd be able to trust that he'd be faithful. I'd have to move on.


Walk away from anything or anyone who takes away your joy. Life is too short to put up with fools.

Posts: 13806 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Houston
completeshock
♀ Member
Member # 19334
Default  Posted: 7:47 AM, July 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

To be fair, this has come up before but the context was a bit different. I don't think he's cheating or found someone.

The whole thing just sucks.


Sometimes you have to forget what you want and remember what you deserve.

Posts: 1740 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: East Coast
Sad in AZ
♀ Member
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 7:50 AM, July 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This leopard is not going to change his spots, so don't think you are going to come to a 'meeting of the minds'.


I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.

Posts: 20279 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
completeshock
♀ Member
Member # 19334
Default  Posted: 7:58 AM, July 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So my question now is, do I call him to discuss this or wait until I get back? I feel as though I should do it in person, but I won't be back until next Sat. or Sun. this is driving me nuts.


Sometimes you have to forget what you want and remember what you deserve.

Posts: 1740 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: East Coast
cayc
♀ Member
Member # 21964
Default  Posted: 8:20 AM, July 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

do I call him to discuss this or wait until I get back?

What's to discuss? You can't unhear this comment. He said it because it's what he thinks. You've even acknowledged that he's said it before but you ignored it because of context (i.e. you were making excuses).

Wait until you get back, and then meet up with him somewhere and end it.

I'm sorry.


"The difference between involvement and commitment is like ham and eggs. The chicken is involved, the pig is committed." -Martina Navratilova
"The question isn't who is going to let me; it's who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

Posts: 3119 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Mexico
completeshock
♀ Member
Member # 19334
Default  Posted: 8:28 AM, July 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks guys, that is what I've needed to hear.

In the meantime, what do I do when he calls/texts? We check in with each other multiple times a day. Do I just act as though nothing has changed? I don't really want to get into this over the phone, but I dont' know if I can hide my disappointment.


Sometimes you have to forget what you want and remember what you deserve.

Posts: 1740 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: East Coast
brokeninfl
♀ Member
Member # 21896
Default  Posted: 8:40 AM, July 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just wanted to say that I'm so sorry. I cannot imagine how hard this is for you. I also wanted to say how great it is that you are seeing this as a deal breaker and acting on it. Its easy to want hide your head in the sand about something like this. (or well, it would be easy for *me* to want to hide my head in the sand)

[This message edited by brokeninfl at 8:41 AM, July 21st (Monday)]


"On the other side of fear lies freedom"

Me - 36 BS
Him - doesn't matter
2 DS
DD 11/08
Divorced.


Posts: 1074 | Registered: Dec 2008
Williesmom
♀ Member
Member # 22870
Default  Posted: 11:34 AM, July 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((completeshock))

This sucks. Really, how did he ever think that this would be OK with you, knowing your past? He may not be cheating now, but was just looking for permission, imho.

I'm sorry.


You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister. -George Costanza
There is a special place in hell for women who don't help other women. - Madeleine Albright

Posts: 7761 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Western PA
completeshock
♀ Member
Member # 19334
Default  Posted: 11:53 AM, July 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He doesn't know my past.

I've been working so hard to leave the past in the past that I never mentioned it, he has no idea.

[This message edited by completeshock at 11:53 AM, July 21st (Monday)]


Sometimes you have to forget what you want and remember what you deserve.

Posts: 1740 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: East Coast
meaniemouse
♀ Member
Member # 10798
Default  Posted: 7:06 PM, July 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think you don't have to read past your tagline to know the answer. It's right there. So sorry this turned out this way.


Act as if what you do matters. It does. William James

Posts: 2125 | Registered: May 2006 | From: Midwest
gardenparty
Member
Member # 12050
Default  Posted: 7:34 PM, July 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh this hurts my heart to even read. I would definitely want to have a face to face conversation with this man before I made any decisions but I would never have a child with somebody who freely admits that they have no intention of being monogamous.


divorced!

Posts: 2710 | Registered: Sep 2006 | From: newfoundland
Myname
♂ Member
Member # 23138
Default  Posted: 7:57 PM, July 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Even if he said that he would stay in a monogamous relationship with you this would always be in the back of my head.

he doesn't see himself as being able to be with one person physically for the rest of his life.

I'm really sorry completeshock.


DD: 1-14-09 EA/PA OM #1
TT: 5-11&12-09
DD#2: 5-18-09 EA OM #2
5-31-09: Told me she hasn't loved me.
No kids
Me BH: 38
12-08-10: S

Posts: 3064 | Registered: Mar 2009 | From: Inside your computer.
shiloe
♀ Member
Member # 1224
Default  Posted: 8:02 PM, July 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think he just found somebody he'd like to shag and so he brings this up to see if you will give him a pass to go have some "fun".

^^^this. This is the first thing of thought.

I am so sorry.


But remember, good love is hard to find . . -Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers
BS - 54
Cheater -54
Married 26 yrs
DD - 21 DD -19 DS-17
A#1 2000 with married ho-worker/neighbor ow#1
A#2 2007-? OW#2 LTA with yet another married ho-worker. Kicked h

Posts: 615 | Registered: Mar 2003
persevere
♀ Member
Member # 31468
Default  Posted: 11:10 PM, July 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

THIS:
I think you don't have to read past your tagline to know the answer. It's right there. So sorry this turned out this way.

((Completeshock))


Me: BW-44
Him: XWH-44
Together 9 yrs
DDays: 1/10/2011
Status: Divorced 4/27/11

Above all, be the heroine, not the victim. - Nora Ephron

It is our choices...that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.
- J. K. Rowling


Posts: 4607 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Texas
hummingbird8
♀ Member
Member # 25086
Default  Posted: 2:38 AM, July 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree. I think he brought this up at this time for a reason. You are out of town, he has someone he is interested in, he told you he's not physically monogamous, so to him it's not cheating.

I wouldn't meet face to face or have some big long discussion. I would just say this relationship doesn't work for you and wish him the best. You deserve better.


Posts: 507 | Registered: Aug 2009
hardtimesinlife
♀ Member
Member # 10468
Default  Posted: 11:34 AM, July 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't post much in NB but just had to tell you that X said basically the same thing early on. He followed it up with "You may really really like steak but you don't want to think about eating it every night for the rest of your life".
He followed that up with "but I haven't closed the door on that. I could change my mind".

I stupidly believed that what we had was soooo special.


Ddays 2004 & 2007
I cut my losses mid 2013
Feeling happier every day :)

Posts: 6132 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Florida
Topic Posts: 25
Pages: 1 · 2

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