Me: BW (45) Him: fWH (48) 3 kids M 21 yrs
7 mths INTENSE Sexting A w/COW (they sickly fantasized about ME)
TT: Until 12/2013 (I read their deleted texts/Vomitted)
I am sure your WS is finally getting it. But, please do not expect it to last.
That's it. It never does. And the circularness of it is making me insane!!! I feel a break through moment and I almost collapse in relief that FINALLY he gets it!!! And then his little self-defense mechanism kicks in and diminishes in his mind how horrid he actually was. He can't sustain that state of mind. The biting reality debilitates him. Never mind that he could launch me across the room in a drunken rage or pound through the house screaming my name because he can't find me and I'm in a corner in the study crouching and crying praying he doesn't find me, shaking with the shock and pain of having flown into a 7 foot armoire, and praying he doesn't wake up the children. That biting reality can be permanently burned into my psyche, and shred me to pieces but his head just can't take even the story telling of it. He's not strong enough.
This WS of yours was a POS for so long and probably because many times he was intoxicated might not necessarily remember a lot of the really horrible stuff that you do or at least the way you remember it. That being said, he is trying to be a better man. And he is feeling things.
That's the thing. He was a POS for so long and with such escalating and complete abandon. I'm just stunned that I was so deeply immersed in it I didn't consciously see it for what it was. I knew in my core I was being abused, but it didn't connect to any active part of me that was making decisions and taking action. I have an absolutely huge understanding and appreciation for battered women, now, and their hellish world. It took my H's affair to launch me out of my insane stupor and into cold reality and in a way it saved my soul. OMG. If I hadn't busted him when I did the sky is the limit for the immoral direction his disgusting and filthy compass was pointing him. And the sky is the limit for the continued damage that I would have continued being subjected to. Continued = I allowed it. Never, never, never again. Of course, it's easy to put my foot down when I'm awake and not in love with him. I love him and there is a lot of good in him or I wouldn't be trying. But the in love part is gone. No idea if I will get it back.
Like FixYou71 said, "Damn him". This sucks! I love him and I hate him.
FixYou71… I told him this evening that as he cycles through not getting it I cycle through deep fantasies of divorcing him. I don't want to get divorced, but oh do I fantasize about it. It's my pride screaming how the hell could you stay with a man who did all of that to you!!! We'll see where therapy takes us. And time. And H's efforts on nurturing the evolution of this new wonderful man he swears he is.