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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: MC when I'm not ready for it??
WabiSabi
♀ Member
Member # 43489
Default  Posted: 8:32 AM, July 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Skan… Thank you. That's exactly right. I feel like a prisoner of war. I say that with no intended disrespect to true prisoners of war. I clearly understand the difference. But I definitely had Stockholm Syndrome. For me, what is at stake is more than my broken heart. It's my survival on a level that is so beyond screwed up the whole thing, looking back on it, is beyond comprehensible. So, I told the details in all their horror to one therapist and I hit the jack pot with her. I REALLY do not want to do it again and with another person who may or may not be good for me/us.


Wabi Sabi… the beauty in imperfection. Struggling every day to find it.

Me: BW (45) Him: fWH (48) 3 kids M 21 yrs
7 mths INTENSE Sexting A w/COW (they sickly fantasized about ME)
D-day: 9/2/13
TT: Until 12/2013 (I read their deleted texts/Vomitted)


Posts: 116 | Registered: May 2014 | From: Midwest
WabiSabi
♀ Member
Member # 43489
Default  Posted: 8:42 AM, July 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

FixYou… the problem is that one day later (yesterday) he said something so clueless and insensitive that I felt a wham of disappointment slam into me. We were laying in bed and he said he hoped I could sleep. I said me, too. (Because I don't sleep or I have nightmares). I let out a big sigh of overwhelm… I know that's not a noun, but I made it one since overwhelmingness is too long. He said you know what your problem is, you're glass half empty. Look at the good. Good? I'm 10 months out from him just raping me repeatedly for seven intense months (10,000 text messages) with another woman where they turned me into a complete lesbian whore and the two took turns f**king me fantasizing me doing hideous things to them. All the while they f**ked each other. While sitting next to me and our children in our home. I wanted to scream that to him, along with you have got to be kidding me!!! Instead I just blurted out I wish I could redo my life. He started crying. I laid there thinking this whole thing is a pile of shit. But what's different now than it was in the previous months and days since Sept. 2nd is that I feel removed by it a bit. Like it's his pile of shit. Not mine.


Wabi Sabi… the beauty in imperfection. Struggling every day to find it.

Me: BW (45) Him: fWH (48) 3 kids M 21 yrs
7 mths INTENSE Sexting A w/COW (they sickly fantasized about ME)
D-day: 9/2/13
TT: Until 12/2013 (I read their deleted texts/Vomitted)


Posts: 116 | Registered: May 2014 | From: Midwest
devasted30
♀ Member
Member # 39439
Default  Posted: 8:56 AM, July 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow, I just read all of this post and , wow.
First off, I am so glad the MC was so good for you. I am sure your WS is finally getting it. But, please do not expect it to last. Having not been there, they cannot comprehend what kind of pain we are going through. In your case, it was physical abuse as well and that's a whole different ball of wax. But, it is a start. Every MC session will bring things out and make it a little clearer for both of you. If you both want this M bad enough, with hard work, you will get there. This WS of yours was a POS for so long and probably because many times he was intoxicated might not necessarily remember a lot of the really horrible stuff that you do or at least the way you remember it. That being said, he is trying to be a better man. And he is feeling things. His crying showed you that. Remember, this is a marathon, not a sprint. I know you know that, but remind yourself that from time to time. You are trying to recover from years of abuse. I find it incredible that you still care so much for your WS. There must be some good there or I think you would be gone. I think he will fully understand some day or at least come close to understanding. It's hard to fully accept that you have done stuff so horrible to another person. That you could have been such a abuser or betrayer. It's a very hard thing to face. At least I think it would be that way. I have a hard time looking back at some of the things I have done in my life (though nothing like that) and it's hard to admit that maybe I was wrong. Maybe I am not the perfect person I want to be. Imagine how hard it must be for him. Baby steps are what is happening here. Two steps forward and one step back. I think you are both incredibly brave and courageous. Good luck.


And remember Murphy is right. Nothing is so bad that it can't get worse!!!

Posts: 1318 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Ontario, Canada
FixYou71
♀ Member
Member # 42654
Default  Posted: 12:55 PM, July 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WabiSabi, Damn him. He's definitely not there yet. That is so infuriating.
You should write down the things through the week that show he doesn't get it and take them to MC. Let your MC explain to him what it looks like when he says them and how HE should really be seeing all of this. That is one good aspect of a third party. Sometimes we can express things and they don't absorb them until someone else says the same thing. Hopefully an MC explaining his faulty thinking and actions to him will help him get past that kind of disrespectful perspective.


BS: 43
H: 49
Dday #1 Oct 2007 (Porn for 2 yrs)
Dday #2 May 2013 (Porn for 5 more yrs))
Dday#3 May 2014 (finally admitted to drunk kissing OW in 1994: the 2nd drunken kiss with another woman during our M)
DD 21 and DS 17
Married 1993

Posts: 451 | Registered: Mar 2014
WabiSabi
♀ Member
Member # 43489
Default  Posted: 7:19 PM, July 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

devasted30…
I am sure your WS is finally getting it. But, please do not expect it to last.

That's it. It never does. And the circularness of it is making me insane!!! I feel a break through moment and I almost collapse in relief that FINALLY he gets it!!! And then his little self-defense mechanism kicks in and diminishes in his mind how horrid he actually was. He can't sustain that state of mind. The biting reality debilitates him. Never mind that he could launch me across the room in a drunken rage or pound through the house screaming my name because he can't find me and I'm in a corner in the study crouching and crying praying he doesn't find me, shaking with the shock and pain of having flown into a 7 foot armoire, and praying he doesn't wake up the children. That biting reality can be permanently burned into my psyche, and shred me to pieces but his head just can't take even the story telling of it. He's not strong enough.

This WS of yours was a POS for so long and probably because many times he was intoxicated might not necessarily remember a lot of the really horrible stuff that you do or at least the way you remember it. That being said, he is trying to be a better man. And he is feeling things.

That's the thing. He was a POS for so long and with such escalating and complete abandon. I'm just stunned that I was so deeply immersed in it I didn't consciously see it for what it was. I knew in my core I was being abused, but it didn't connect to any active part of me that was making decisions and taking action. I have an absolutely huge understanding and appreciation for battered women, now, and their hellish world. It took my H's affair to launch me out of my insane stupor and into cold reality and in a way it saved my soul. OMG. If I hadn't busted him when I did the sky is the limit for the immoral direction his disgusting and filthy compass was pointing him. And the sky is the limit for the continued damage that I would have continued being subjected to. Continued = I allowed it. Never, never, never again. Of course, it's easy to put my foot down when I'm awake and not in love with him. I love him and there is a lot of good in him or I wouldn't be trying. But the in love part is gone. No idea if I will get it back.

Like FixYou71 said, "Damn him". This sucks! I love him and I hate him.

FixYou71… I told him this evening that as he cycles through not getting it I cycle through deep fantasies of divorcing him. I don't want to get divorced, but oh do I fantasize about it. It's my pride screaming how the hell could you stay with a man who did all of that to you!!! We'll see where therapy takes us. And time. And H's efforts on nurturing the evolution of this new wonderful man he swears he is.


Wabi Sabi… the beauty in imperfection. Struggling every day to find it.

Me: BW (45) Him: fWH (48) 3 kids M 21 yrs
7 mths INTENSE Sexting A w/COW (they sickly fantasized about ME)
D-day: 9/2/13
TT: Until 12/2013 (I read their deleted texts/Vomitted)


Posts: 116 | Registered: May 2014 | From: Midwest
WabiSabi
♀ Member
Member # 43489
Default  Posted: 7:52 PM, July 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

By the way, it wasn't always like this with fWH. He pursued me my freshman year of college and we were inseparable once I saw some growing maturity in him and he was consistently super wonderful to me. We dated for six years, were in heaven when we could finally afford to get married, and we continued to be happy until I started having babies. Then it sloooowly crept down hill and I know I allowed the increasing bad behavior and drinking, because I had quit my job, had little babies and I was vulnerable. Things I would have been more aware of before were slipping by me as I was becoming increasingly imprisoned in my world. Happy with my children, but my H was busy increasing my isolation and making it permanent. Then filling me with bullshit about how he doesn't want me to leave him because he loves me so much. Of course, he could leave me and go get drunk with his friends and sneak over to the strip bars. And justify it because he was with other husbands and THEIR wives were cool with it. I was a f**king bitch. No, I was a sobbing crying destroyed wife who had been lied to and deceived. And in 27 years I have never once gone out with girlfriends and come home drunk. Ever. Now he feels enormously horrible when the therapist points out how wretched all of his behavior was. And he sees my seething resentment. Now he gets it. I told him after D-Day that I wish I had the man that I married right now, because that man would kick his ass and he would be dead. He tells me repeatedly that that man is back and he did kick his ass and he killed that immoral drunk dirtbag that posed as my H for so many years. We'll see.


Wabi Sabi… the beauty in imperfection. Struggling every day to find it.

Me: BW (45) Him: fWH (48) 3 kids M 21 yrs
7 mths INTENSE Sexting A w/COW (they sickly fantasized about ME)
D-day: 9/2/13
TT: Until 12/2013 (I read their deleted texts/Vomitted)


Posts: 116 | Registered: May 2014 | From: Midwest
Topic Posts: 26
Pages: 1 · 2

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