Do you really think that since I was in an affair that I deserved to unknowingly have naked photos of myself posted online by the OM while he broadcasted our sex life thousands of people, while convincing me that he loved me? Really? Well maybe you should look at yourself and your own version of "empathy to others."
I believe I specifically quoted
No...none of us deserve to be slandered too.
What I said was that you were in A and that in itself was with a man that lies. You went into great detail about the lies you knew he perpetuated before the A was over. I am referring to the fact that you seemed to expect human decency and compassion from a man in a fraudulent relationship. I never once said you deserved it. Just that you appear surprised that a manipulative cheating man would do that to you after everything you already saw him do to his wife and others. I refer to the fact that you appear surprised that he would lie to you too. Like you expected to be treated different. Sorry, but you just come across entitled to a different set of rules and treatment than how he treated others.
When I mean not a "victim". I refer to not being a victim of the A, the OM, or naive. You weren't forced to be an OW, you chose it. You seem as if you are surprised that you are a "victim" of lies from a liar while you were lying. See the difference?
You are most certainly a "victim" of slander and reputation defacement. Like I said...I hope they do close those sites down. You aren't the first AP to post on here about being pinned to those sites. I feel bad that you messed with the wrong BS. But, that is my point...you can't expect human decency and compassion from others when you yourself didn't have that for her while seeing her husband.
I am again not saying anyone deserves it, but I understand it. We WS have no idea what pain the BS are in or are going through. From the sounds of it...you did her favor...the guy is an ass. But, you can't expect to behave indecent and then expect others to behave decently towards you. Society doesn't work that way, most people are an eye for an eye. People choose to behave decent and have grace. Your aren't entitled to it. It usually needs to be deserved or given freely.
If you feel secure enough. Post this in the General section to let the BS's know (though generally SI is strictly against revenge and from what I read the BS on here mostly avoid it though fantasize it):
to hopefully get some people to think twice before going down the road of revenge.
But, I wouldn't mention that:
My post was to inform people that sometimes even the cheater gets used and hurt,
I am using the word naive because yes, during the affair I did think I was "different." OM told me that I was "the one", the perfect match that he had needed his whole life, and that we could live this unconventional, polyamorous life forever. I bought it hook, line and sinker. I don't see myself as "entitled" because of that. Just romantically delusional and absolutely, completely stupid and selfish.
And ironically, because of all that, I CAN feel the pain that my BS and BW are going through. I trusted someone so completely. I thought he was committed to me and loved me. And he was just using me and lying to me the whole time, cheating on me with other women and exploiting me. Just because it was an affair doesn't mean that I don't also feel betrayal. And that makes me feel even more remorse and grief. I know and FEEL what I did to my husband and I can't undo it. I can't take away that pain no matter how hard I try.
I don't know what to say other than hang in there and be your best.
Now, still feeling "love" for this person that betrayed you is another matter. You probably will get bashed for that. Especially since he exploited you too. Though you are fairly new since Dday and still in the "fog" so they like to call it. But, I agree any WS on here that says they didn't love their AP when they were in a LTA for 2+ yrs is lying to themselves. The key is not loving them anymore after realizing they were in a destructive relationship. I am sure that must be very painful for your husband to still hear.
Maybe instead of directing all your anger at the OBS for their backlash, you should be directing that anger to the OM. So you can move on to indifference towards him.
I can't identify with that. I didn't love my AP. I just loved the attention. It could have been anyone.
In a way you make it sound so romantic like those 50 shades of gray books my wife read. "I know there is a good guy in there deep inside. Some poor child that needs rescued." I am sure you probably discuss this need to be a KISA in therapy. I don't know anything about the dom/sub relationship or how they work. But, the guy comes across as the type to just objectify woman not to glorify in their trust and intimacy. He exploited you the whole time during this "trusting" sub/dom relationship.
Truthfully, I can see a perspective of how you are a "victim" in the relationship if it is some Stockholm syndrome thing going on. But, honestly I haven't the slightest clue how that would work. Guess that depends on the abuse you put up with from him that wasn't part of the sub/dom roles.
My wife has been reading these posts and she appreciates the point of view you give on the site thing. She feels a lot of compassion for you and your continued humiliation. She admits there have been times in her greatest pain and despair that she had wanted to post my AP. A "How dare you? Who do you think you are? I will show you not to play with my fire" thing. To warn other woman and ruin her reputation. But, she would never do it. The AP has a daughter and BBF that would have to live with that humiliation as well. Plus she says it is unfair that it can't be taken down. My BW doesn't want to ruin her integrity and "stoop" to her level as she says. There comes a time when you should bury the hatchet she says and you are never going to be given that chance. It just isn't fair.
In addition she is determined to use this experience to grow her character in grace and forgiveness. But, she reads a lot and posts on here.
Maybe the OBS had no healthy ways to heal. How could she with a spouse like that.
Thought provoking question about whether I "still" love my OM. I believe that if you truly love someone, you can't "unlove" them. Romantically, you can be "not in love" with them. And you can also accept that some relationships are destructive and even if you care about someone that you CANNOT have them in your life. I have a family member that is this case.
I actually talked about this in IC today and made a good realization. I know that my OM and his wife may separate. A few months ago, I would have been sobbing over this. Worried sick about OM and how he was feeling, and where he would go, and how upset and hurt he must be etc. Today when my therapist asked me how I felt, I said, "Well...surprisingly...nothing." I feel sad that his marriage may not work out. I feel sad for his BW and all the turmoil that she has been through. But I really have no concern about OM's feelings. That seems like pretty good progress, right?
As for your comment about anger toward the BW - well I don't actually have any. Even about cheater site. It isn't anger. It's just frustration. And I'm mostly frustrated because she continues to believe some pretty ugly lies about me. I have to learn to let that go, because she will never believe me anyway. I did hate her in the beginning after D-Day. She attacked me pretty severely for a while, and I finally sent her a mean message back. After I finally let go of my OM, my anger went away. I started seeing how much he used and abused me, and that she could have him for all I cared. Now I just feel very sorry for her and her pain.
And say thanks to your wife ZZ. I'm glad I could give her a new point of view, and I am grateful for her understanding. I know we OW make life awful. I'm sorry.
[This message edited by BecomingMe at 9:19 PM, July 22nd (Tuesday)]
And ironically, because of all that, I CAN feel the pain that my BS and BW are going through.
I wish I had that ability. Because as hard as I cried, as hard as I wished my husband wouldn't kill himself, as hard as I wished the pain on me that he was suffering through...I only had a fraction of an indication of what my husband was dealing with.
I'm glad you were able to reach down in an area and feel that even though you didn't experience it on their level.
I trusted someone so completely. I thought he was committed to me and loved
Yes, I understand. even though he is married you believed he was committed to you. That makes perfect sense. No, not really. Yes. NO!..yes ...(Eddie Izzard humor there.)
Look, you came here with good intentions, I believe that, I really do. I just wish you would stop focusing on his marriage and his wife and instead, focus on you and what you're feeling.
You get defensive when others point out certain things. Well, we're all going off what *you* have provided us here. I'm sorry that you feel your life is ruined by his wife posting things about you. I felt the same way...but I moved past it and nothing catastrophic happened to ruin my life anymore than I already had by cheating.
You'll survive. You'll be ok. I promise
My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.
I CAN feel the pain that my BS and BW are going through.
I do not think this is possible. Sure you may feel some of the betrayal. But your BS and your AP BW got none of the pleasure that you did. All they got was the hurt. IMO if you really "got it" you wouldn't be all "hey BS the AP has feelings too" You would "Get" that the BS is angry and considering revenge. And if you "Got it" then you would understand if they are wanting revenge, than a plea from an AP would make no difference.
Take what you want, and leave the rest.
"If you don't eat the elephant in one bite, it might trample you while chewing"
ME: WH HER: BS (holesinmybucket)
no stop sign = BS always welcome
I do not PM with women
I liked the attempted humor. I get it and feel the same way. But when you're in a polyamorous mindset IN the A, it seems to makes sense. He said his marriage to her was all but over, that she was a roommate, but he needed to stay for the kids. At times we fantasized about being a true polyamorous couple, where we could tell her and have a group marriage. Yes, I know NOW it all sounds like nonsense. Those things can only work with honesty, and we were living a lie all around.
DrJekyll (aka my AP twin) I DO "get it" that BW is angry and has a right to want revenge. I've already talked about that in my posts. I am not mad at her for doing what she did. I am simply sharing MY feelings about how the cheater site is affecting me and my husband. And yes, hoping that other BSs might read it and see the damage it can cause, especially to another BS.
And I know I'm going against the grain with the idea that cheaters have a right to feelings. Most SI members have a certain philosophy, and I am just not a conformer on some things. Luckily, my husband sees things the same way that I do, so that's really all that matters to me.
But I don't mind shaking things up around here a bit. Y'all certainly did wear me out yesterday though!
I thought he was committed to me and loved me. And he was just using me and lying to me the whole time, cheating on me with other women and exploiting me
My AP cannot compete with the deception of yours, but I too felt duped. He made claim after claim on how I was the one, he moved across the country and got a job where I lived and yet when I finally got serious and told him I couldn't sneak around any more and we needed to decide if we want a future or not. He said something to the effect of, "how can we, we're both married" My mind still spins trying to make sense of all he said and did before that conversation. In some ways it helps to turn him into a slime ball who just wanted a f* instead of someone I loved, but the truth might be both, or something in the middle. My IC told me short of bringing AP into a session, we were never going to understand his motivation. More productive would be to own my feelings in the A. Turns out it's irrelevant if he loved me or not, I thought I loved him, I grieved the loss of him, right or wrong they were all feelings I had to work through. I'm guessing you have these same feelings, along with a big side of betrayal. Even if they originated from a place of stupidity you still felt them.