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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Did everything wrong
stilltryin313
♂ New Member
Member # 43445
Sad  Posted: 12:41 PM, July 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

All the signs were there, 3 different people tried to tell me but I was arrogant and she had prepared me with a BS rumor story and reassurances. I knew something was off but thought it was just a phase and I had married her when she was 22 and now that our DS did not need 24/7 supervision she was just having a good time. I was working and having to travel and when not traveling I was working the night shift. On 2/10/14 I was leaving to go into work for the night and I guess she could not come up with a good excuse as to why she had to leave so I got the song and dance that she just had to get out and go see her female friend. That got the wheels turning and then I was called out to be at a job out of town and that's when the suspicion really kicked in and I started asking the tough questions and began hearing things like I have lost myself and I feel like an obligation and you and DS would be better off with someone else. So I called a close friend whose wife introduced us and began to confide in him. He said I needed to get a PI and unbeknownst to me at the time it was his wife helping my WW cover her tracks and knew the whole story. Well like the arrogant fool I was I thought no way it's another man she's just going through a tough time and has lost her way. Job is done and I am headed home on Valentines day so I stop and pick up a big bouquet of roses and boxes of chocolates for her and DS and make the 2 hour ride home. Walk in the door and she starts crying and confesses to an affair with an old friend from Facebook that lives across the country from us and they hooked up twice when he was in town on business and she is so racked with guilt she could not hide it anymore, she already has a bag packed because she was positive I would kick her out. I ask for the whole story and get the standard it meant nothing, she wants to stay, she is no longer in contact and it was only twice. I fall apart lose 15 lbs, anxiety attacks and no sleep for weeks but her words are not matching her actions. I finally get mad and start playing detective and it was much worse than I thought. I find she was still talking to OM via text and I began seeing another number on the phone bill that did not show up in her contacts and there were never any messages from this number on her phone. I inquire and I am told it is a female friend, I just wait and let a week or so go by and ask again and get another name different from the first. Now I am a dog with a bone and cannot let go and finally confront her and say lie again about who this is and I am gone. It is then revealed it is a mutual male friend but nothing is going on it is just friendly talk about just day to day stuff. I point out close to or over 800 text a month a friendship does not constitute. This was 3/10/14 and she maintained it was an EA up until 5/2/14 when I told her she could either come clean or I would get OMs version of the truth and the enablers version and go with that since she did not want to come clean. That is when she admitted to it being a PA as well. The NC had been sent on 3/10 to both OMs and she swore it was being honored and the phone records backed that up. She wrote a timeline and gave me the version of the events, it had all been over since 11/14 but she just cannot remember all of the details. I take a few weeks off work and she does and says all the right things and I finally feel confident enough to go back to work, job is in the town we own a second home so I will feel safe being there instead of a motel and spring break is coming and her and DS will be coming to spend close to 2 weeks with me. During this time I am still playing detective because at this point I had found SI and knew the signs. I use find my iphone one night on a whim and she is not where she was supposed to be, she gets mad at me for spying and gives me the old song and dance she was just out riding around trying to clear her head. I have no definitive proof so I just bide my time. I quit my job after its completion as I know I can no longer travel because I clearly see I am about to be a single dad if I can't get this worked out and I have no support system for him if she is gone. I come home and begin doing the math on all of the BS stories I have been told with the few nuggets of truth I have mined and pack a bag and tell her I don't know and I don't know what to say are not answers and she can either spill it or it is over. I get a lot more details and this story is matching up to the things I know, she confessed that the PA with OM2 carried on even after she confessed the first affair and that confession was so I would divorce her and they could be together. The hotel rendezvous the money spent on him and the fact she broke NC in 4/14 when I used find my iphone. She swears that was the last contact but I do not believe it and she is now resuming counseling and being forthcoming whenever I question her, she no longer gets defensive when I lash out and has quit trying to pin the affair on me and acknowledges while I do have faults I was far from a bad husband. I hate that it took 5 months to get to this point and I know there is a long way to go and more truth to be told but I am just dumb enough to keep trying. Sadly I am at the point to where in the beginning I was trying to save my marriage for me and DS but now I am thinking more of DS with hopes I can regain the love I once had for his mother. I have informed her that at this point and time I nothing her, I don't hate, pity or love her. I am not optimistic but do not feel I have done all I can to walk away but this time she has to do the work too. I know it will be tough on DS but I am at my breaking point and if I find one more lie I honestly believe I am done. Thanks for reading this and sorry it is disjointed and rambling. I look forward to the advice I will hopefully get and will answer any questions to clarify this mess of a post.


Badly beaten but not defeated

Posts: 8 | Registered: May 2014 | From: South Carolina
Ginny
♀ Member
Member # 43196
Default  Posted: 12:57 PM, July 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have no advice, but want you to know you have been heard. I am sorry you are in this situation. It sucks. But, there is hope, there is a future. You may not know what it is going to look like yet, but things will get better. That's my daily mantra!

Posts: 78 | Registered: Apr 2014
seethelight
♀ Member
Member # 43513
Default  Posted: 1:37 PM, July 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

All the signs were there, 3 different people tried to tell me but I was arrogant and she had prepared me with a BS rumor story and reassurances.

You are not alone.

A lot of us betrayed spouses ignored blatant warning signs because we were too trusting.

We also wouldn't hurt our spouses that way, and we trusted that our spouses felt that same way. So the thought of something so sleazy as an affair never was on our radar.

The prepared BS rumor story is what they call gaslighting.

Most of us BSs have been gaslighted, by our waywards, too.


“If two people truly have feelings for one another then they don’t have an affair. They get a divorce and they sort out their feelings. You are accountable for the people you hold hostage in a marriage when your mind and heart refuse to fully commit

Posts: 1147 | Registered: May 2014
Jduff
♂ Member
Member # 41988
Default  Posted: 2:13 PM, July 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would tell your close friend that if HIS wife was helping YOUR wife cover her tracks, he might want to check up on HIS wife as well.

Are you doing the 180?


Divorced - 5/23/14
Already in my New Beginning - :)

Posts: 497 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: texas
Uhtred
♂ Member
Member # 40392
Default  Posted: 3:05 PM, July 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm glad you made it here friend. This shit hurts really bad but am glad you posted. When they give you trickle truth it just makes it that much harder to reconcile. Your trust is already destroyed and just when you think about trying to deal with it you find another detail out that was omitted the first time. This happened to me and I'm sure to most of us here. My give a damn was really busted after I got the rest of the story.

Your wife has a lot of work to do friend and you have to hold her accountable. I don't have time to write more but will be sending positive thoughts your way. By the way blow the affairs into the open. Make sure the other spouses know. This will kill the fantasy and forbidden fruit that the all seen to enjoy so much.


Me: BH 32years old DDay 4-29-13
Her: WW 33 years old
“Yet each man kills the thing he loves
By each let this be heard
Some do it with a bitter look
Some with a flattering word
The coward does it with a kiss
The brave man with a sword”

Posts: 602 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Houston, Texas
stilltryin313
♂ New Member
Member # 43445
Default  Posted: 3:20 PM, July 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would tell your close friend that if HIS wife was helping YOUR wife cover her tracks, he might want to check up on HIS wife as well.
Are you doing the 180?

He knows and his guard is up, I am going to start on the 180 I am just worried how it will affect our son. He is used to me being upbeat and talkative and we spend a lot of time (all 3 of us) together. He knows something is up but if I go to that full extent he will have to be told and if there is any hope I do not want him to know his Mom was ready to walk on him, it would devastate him.


Badly beaten but not defeated

Posts: 8 | Registered: May 2014 | From: South Carolina
1Faith
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Member # 38975
Default  Posted: 4:57 PM, July 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dear Still

Sorry you have found yourself here.

So, there were 2 OM that you know of?

She swears that was the last contact

How many times did she swear that before? Tread lightly on believing her. How do you know this to be true? Her actions will speak louder than words.

Is she remorseful for the hurt and pain she has caused or does she regret the fact that she got caught? VERY BIG DIFFERENCE.

Your WW has to get out of the excuse mode and own her behavior. Own the fact that she lied, continued to lie, continued to cheat and was not acting in the best interest for you, your marriage or your DS.

If there is no true remorse and an understanding of how she allowed herself to cheat in first place then she will most likely continue her behavior.

What is she doing that makes you feel that she understands the devastation she has brought to your lives?

Good luck. Read in the Healing Library and know that there are good kind people here that understand and are rooting you on.


"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it." - Maya Angelou

Posts: 1146 | Registered: Apr 2013
softballmom
♀ New Member
Member # 44171
Default  Posted: 5:15 PM, July 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So sorry you are going through this. Its never easy, and we've all been there. Tread lightly. I wish I had more advice for you, but I do not. I'm new here also, and finding that people do offer good advice. I def suggest checking the 180. Someone recommended it to me and I'm working on it. best of luck to you!

Posts: 12 | Registered: Jul 2014
wk55hn
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Member # 44159
Default  Posted: 6:43 PM, July 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I read a lot of these stories and your wife is unusual because you don't often hear about a woman who is ready to walk away from her child, especially for some old friend from facebook after a couple of months' affair or some other mutual guy who she's only known a few months.

And you are staying with her for the sake of your son, which in most cases I completely understand, but in yours, I don't understand.

What kind of mother is she?


Posts: 305 | Registered: Jul 2014
wk55hn
♂ Member
Member # 44159
Default  Posted: 6:46 PM, July 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Were the other men married?

Was she cheating on other man #1 with other man #2?

Walk in the door and she starts crying and confesses to an affair

So, she confessed in order to get you to divorce her and those were fake tears?

If her plan was a divorce, why didn't she just file, why did she need you to do it?

[This message edited by wk55hn at 6:51 PM, July 21st (Monday)]


Posts: 305 | Registered: Jul 2014
TrustedHer
♂ Member
Member # 23328
Default  Posted: 8:53 PM, July 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't read stories that are not broken into paragraphs because I don't have the patience. But I skimmed yours, and i also am one who did everything wrong.

The 180 is the only approach for dealing with an unremorseful WS. You need separation. You need a chance to reflect, without bullshit explanations. You need a chance to decide who you are, and what you want.

I did the opposite of the 180. I begged, pleaded, and sucked up to her.

For my payment, she seduced yet another OM.

Be strong. Decide who you are. What you need. And whether she can provide it. Or not.


Take care of yourself. There's a great future out there. It won't come to you; you have to go to it.

Posts: 5156 | Registered: Mar 2009 | From: DeepInTheHeartOf, TX
stilltryin313
♂ New Member
Member # 43445
Default  Posted: 9:21 PM, July 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How many times did she swear that before? Tread lightly on believing her. Oh I heard it every time I caught her in a new lie.


How do you know this to be true? Her actions will speak louder than words.

I do not know if it is true but I have not stopped looking and checking the story, I have bank, phone and other records. This is the first time her actions have matched her words but I am still super wary.

Is she remorseful for the hurt and pain she has caused or does she regret the fact that she got caught? VERY BIG DIFFERENCE.

She is now starting to show signs of remorse but I am still wary as it is very recent, beforehand it was regret and she was very defensive and blame shifted but that has changed but like I said it is recent and we will see if it holds. She set up an appointment with a counselor unprovoked and asked if I would go back to MC and she is willing to sell some things I know she holds dear to pay for it. While I find this a good first step I have informed her I at this point nothing her, I do not love hate or pity her I just feel nothing and feel that I will earn my way out and try everything until I have no more to give.

What is she doing that makes you feel that she understands the devastation she has brought to your lives?

She is reading SI and getting books on the subject, she listens when I lash out and does not try and turn it around on me. I do not think anyone who has not been through this can understand the devastation but at least she seems to be trying.


Badly beaten but not defeated

Posts: 8 | Registered: May 2014 | From: South Carolina
stilltryin313
♂ New Member
Member # 43445
Default  Posted: 9:33 PM, July 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I read a lot of these stories and your wife is unusual because you don't often hear about a woman who is ready to walk away from her child, especially for some old friend from facebook after a couple of months' affair or some other mutual guy who she's only known a few months.

Sorry I wasn't clear, we have known the mutual for our entire marriage and he is a real POS. There was a drug and alcohol element that started when the affair did. She has stopped both and I have a tracker and do searches everyday, so far so good.

And you are staying with her for the sake of your son, which in most cases I completely understand, but in yours, I don't understand.

What kind of mother is she?

For the first 13 years she was a great mother and everyone that knows are just as baffled as I am, she volunteered at his schools all the way through middle school and was a great attentive mother. The last year has been hell and the last 5 months have been worse but he does not see it and I do not want to remove those blinders unless I have to. She truly was a great wife and mother and with help and staying clean hope she can be again, I come from a home broken by a cheating mother and my Dad just walked away and did not fight or give her a chance and I am not saying she deserved it but I went to 13 different schools and was basically a ping pong ball and do not want that from him. I will walk if I have to but want to give her a chance because she was my mothers primary care giver through a 3 year battle with Leukemia and she did things for her that I could not. I want to believe that women is still there and she will get back to us but if not I will do what is best for me and DS.


Badly beaten but not defeated

Posts: 8 | Registered: May 2014 | From: South Carolina
Badhurt
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Member # 41947
Default  Posted: 9:37 PM, July 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry this has happened . I simply cannot understand after reading your story why you want to be with her now. But that is your call.-
If you stay with hr , be prepared to be in detective mode for more hours than you can imagine. And in your case if you do not demand lie detectors tests periodically you better get a CIA training course.

I also think it was a bad idea to have he reading your posts and our responses because she is not going to get a lot of sympathy here and she will then use that as justification for her actions and become mad at you for posting .

She deserves no privacy from you but you deserve privacy from her.

Others will have to address R in your situation. I can't fathom it and child is not a reason . Millions of kids grow up fine in D and you wil find someone who will not behave like a whore that will be a better example


Posts: 1097 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Eastern USA
stilltryin313
♂ New Member
Member # 43445
Default  Posted: 10:02 PM, July 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Were the other men married? One was the other is not


Was she cheating on other man #1 with other man #2?

Yes but neither cared enough about her for it to matter to them. OM #1 just wanted a booty call when he was in town and OM #2 wanted her money.

So, she confessed in order to get you to divorce her and those were fake tears? Yes she says they were not but what followed says different. I now look at actions instead of listening to the BS

If her plan was a divorce, why didn't she just file, why did she need you to do it?

So I would be the bad guy I guess I cannot get a straight answer on this one and believe me I ask.


Badly beaten but not defeated

Posts: 8 | Registered: May 2014 | From: South Carolina
stilltryin313
♂ New Member
Member # 43445
Default  Posted: 10:07 PM, July 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry this has happened . I simply cannot understand after reading your story why you want to be with her now. But that is your call.-
If you stay with hr , be prepared to be in detective mode for more hours than you can imagine. And in your case if you do not demand lie detectors tests periodically you better get a CIA training course.
I also think it was a bad idea to have he reading your posts and our responses because she is not going to get a lot of sympathy here and she will then use that as justification for her actions and become mad at you for posting .

She deserves no privacy from you but you deserve privacy from her.

Others will have to address R in your situation. I can't fathom it and child is not a reason . Millions of kids grow up fine in D and you wil find someone who will not behave like a whore that will be a better example

I do not understand myself but as you said it is my call and I may regret it but if the day comes I have to D I will be able to tell my son I gave her every opportunity and then some and it was not enough. Also I do not care if she reads this or the replies because if she does and gets mad or tries to use it as justification it will be further proof she does not get it and I will do what I have to do.


Badly beaten but not defeated

Posts: 8 | Registered: May 2014 | From: South Carolina
MissWhoKnew
♀ New Member
Member # 43580
Default  Posted: 11:49 PM, July 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with seethelight. The BS often doesn't recognize the signs because we trust our WS too much. We continue on until one day that gut feeling is so strong we can't ignore it any longer.

NO ONE can understand the total devastation and hurt the BS endures every hour of every day, unless they have gone through it themselves. Prior to Dday I had been so sure nothing like this would happen in my marriage. My little section of the world was safe and secure.

The hardest thing for me to wrap my head around is the fact that nothing will ever be the same again. My WH changed our lives without too much thought. The betrayal of trust has forever altered my view of our lives together and the world in general.

I hope this is an once in a lifetime thing for me. The lessons I've learned so far are enlightening. I hope you have a positive outcome with your WS.


Me:BW 51, Him:WH 56
DS 26, DD 24; Dday: 4/19/14
Married: 29 years
Reconcile: A work in progress...
Dday: 4/2014 TT for over a year.
------------------------------------
You're not alone in how you've been, everybody loses we all got bruises

Posts: 35 | Registered: May 2014 | From: Land of Oz
norabird
♀ Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 11:26 AM, July 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's hard, so hard, to do this 'right'. But you seem to be getting there. Keep focusing on building up strong boundaries and knowing that you are worth more than this treatment, and you will be able to move towards something healthier. And know that you are not obligated to stay with your son's mother for him. R is a gift--she has not earned it yet.


(((stilltryin))))


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4168 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
stilltryin313
♂ New Member
Member # 43445
Default  Posted: 12:28 PM, July 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just want to say thanks to everyone who has replied. I appreciate all the supportive post and I need the ones telling me I am being crazy because I know I need that advice as well. I am going to start IC next month and maybe I can gain some more insight on why I am allowing myself to be treated this way. I am going to have to start the 180 and stick with it for me and my son.


Badly beaten but not defeated

Posts: 8 | Registered: May 2014 | From: South Carolina
Jduff
♂ Member
Member # 41988
Default  Posted: 12:56 PM, July 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am going to start IC next month and maybe I can gain some more insight on why I am allowing myself to be treated this way.

Explore codependency. It's a common trait among us BS in suffering through the abuse our WS dish out.

With drugs and alcohol in the mix of her A, you have quite a challenge to face ahead. Know that we are all here to help you, and even your WW if she chooses to seek it here.


Divorced - 5/23/14
Already in my New Beginning - :)

Posts: 497 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: texas
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