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Newest Member: Hurtlostempty (45065)

Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Does WS think about A too?
ihatehim
♀ Member
Member # 35646
Default  Posted: 1:00 PM, July 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have the constant daily thoughts, nightmares & I'm almost 2 years from DDay. I picture graphic details about what their sexual encounters were like, I replay the text messages they sent to each other daily, she is cute and that bothers me as well. I think I'm "crazy". When I ask WH if he thinks about it he says no, he cared about her bc it was a year long but he didn't love her (even though he told her he did) and she is erased from his mind. I get angry bc I don't think there is NO WAY he doesn't think about the affair & I just want him to be honest with me! Does anyone else's WS say they don't think about the A or ow? I don't know what to believe...


Me: 33
Him:31
Ow: 27 (worked together)
Married 6years, 2 kids

Posts: 66 | Registered: May 2012
bionicgal
♀ Member
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 1:07 PM, July 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think you are asking two different questions. Does the WS think of the AP, and does he think of AP fondly. For my H, occasionally he'll be reminded of her by something, but it isn't in a reminiscing way. He doesn't like her "intruding" into our lives.

I think most male waywards spend about .001% of the time thinking about the AP as their females BSes do, to be honest. For most of them, once the fog clears, it is o.v.e.r.


me - BS (40s)
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA then PA
In MC & Reconciling
An affair is more like a mental break than a relationship.

I edit, therefore I am.


Posts: 1999 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
ihatehim
♀ Member
Member # 35646
Default  Posted: 1:12 PM, July 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for the reply. Let me clear it up...I know he doesn't think of her fondly bc after I found out she put both of us through hell. I think about the A/her 75% of my day. So I wonder if he thinks about her at all..like when we are having sex or when we do things that they have done together, or like me...it just pops up!


Me: 33
Him:31
Ow: 27 (worked together)
Married 6years, 2 kids

Posts: 66 | Registered: May 2012
seethelight
♀ Member
Member # 43513
Default  Posted: 1:20 PM, July 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Does anyone else's WS say they don't think about the A or ow? I don't know what to believe...

To answer this question you can ask yourself how often you think of a former boyfriend whom you CARED for.

I think it would be foolish to believe that our waywards never think of the OW.

They likely think of them less than we think, but they likely do think of them from time to time.

This bothers me, too, because I saw all the emails and texts between the Ow and My wayward, and they seemed to be very intimate and romantic with each other.

It may have been a fantasy relationship for the two, but why wouldn't the fantasy be replayed in their minds from time to time.

I don't think they will ever admit to it when asked, though.


ďIf two people truly have feelings for one another then they donít have an affair. They get a divorce and they sort out their feelings. You are accountable for the people you hold hostage in a marriage when your mind and heart refuse to fully commit

Posts: 1220 | Registered: May 2014
TheIrishGirl
♀ Member
Member # 43496
Default  Posted: 1:25 PM, July 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So my response is colored by my experience- 3 mos out from DDay. He had 4 years of intermittent inappropriate online contact with various women, including cybersex with most of them. The last OW he 'spoke' with for 3 months (the longest of any of them).

He says he never thinks of them. He'll think of that period in his life, and what else was going on, and how he should have handled it better. He'll think of how what he did has created such a fallout in our M, he'll think of how he needs to be better and do better.

Some of those thoughts are an outcome of the A, but he swears up and down that he doesn't think of the OW, or the things they said to each other at all. I'm prone to believe him because he has given brutally honest answers to a lot of other questions. But I think it's easier for him to not think about them because no individual one lasted all that long, and he never physically met them.


Me: 31, BW Him: 38, WH
2 children (ours) 7/11 & 3/14
D-day 4/18/14 I saw his 'other' email

Posts: 472 | Registered: May 2014
TheIrishGirl
♀ Member
Member # 43496
Default  Posted: 1:27 PM, July 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hit post too soon.

Also, do you think of you X's very often? Ever while you're in bed with your H? Mine cross my mind occasionally, but really not that much. And our X's aren't a source of shame & embarrassment. The AP is, so you're motivated not to think about it as the WS.


Me: 31, BW Him: 38, WH
2 children (ours) 7/11 & 3/14
D-day 4/18/14 I saw his 'other' email

Posts: 472 | Registered: May 2014
BrokenButTrying
♀ Member
Member # 42111
Default  Posted: 1:53 PM, July 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi, WW here.

Do I think about the A? Yes of course, every day. We're seven months out from his Dday and I identify mainly as a wayward. I think about it every few minutes. It's strange, I don't think about the A in itself but the consequences of it, if that makes sense? I am very proactive in my healing so I am constantly reading, checking my boundaries, practicing mindfulness etc etc. So my healing process from my A is what I think about, constantly, all day every day and I doubt that will ever change.

Do I think about the AP? No, never. It wasn't about him so he is insignificant.


Me - 27
Him - 27
Madhatters

My Ddays - 01/10 & 12/04/14
His Dday - 23/12/13

Chin up. Unwavering. Fight. I can do this.


Posts: 1235 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: UK
MissesJai
♀ Member
Member # 24849
Default  Posted: 2:01 PM, July 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I get angry bc I don't think there is NO WAY he doesn't think about the affair & I just want him to be honest with me!
Well, what makes you think he's not being truthful about it? If he's been truthful and transparent about everything else, and I'm assuming that includes the ugly stuff, why wouldn't he be truthful with you about this? I know this seems like a stupid question given his history, but I prefer to stay in the present. Could it be that you want him to think what you're thinking, feel what you're feeling, and do what you're doing, each & every time? If so, you're pushing a boulder up-hill and you should stop immediately. You are only setting yourself up for endless disappointments. Let me ask you this - if he had said yes, what would you have done?


FWW - 41
"Don't think first about the risks of speaking up. Think first about the risks of not speaking up." ~ Kerry Patterson

Posts: 5936 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: So Cal.....
LadyLove
♀ Member
Member # 40664
Default  Posted: 4:19 PM, July 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WH tells me he never thinks of AP unless I ask him something that pertains to her, and even then he doesn't like to think and remember anything about her.. says it disgusts him. He says when he thinks of his A he thinks in terms of how much he hurt me and the damage it has wreaked on our marriage. He says he doesn't think fondly of her or the A, he says all he feels is disgust at what he did...


BW - 46 (me)
WH - 48 Ladyslove
Don't know if I can live with it.

Posts: 86 | Registered: Sep 2013
whattheh
♀ Member
Member # 40032
Default  Posted: 4:32 PM, July 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My fWH never thinks about A or OW unless I bring it up. OW put thim thru hell with blackmail and threats and then us both thru hell after OW sent me texts and pics. I believe that he has repressed the A and its aftermath to protect himself. He answered questions when I asked thruout the process and I clearly understand he grew to hate and despise OW.

I know I prefer not to think about things I've done or mistakes I've made so I believe he doesn't think about A or OW. He has agreed to tell me if he ever has any thoughts or memories about it. Sometimes I would even ask if he had anything to tell me. So I believe him about this but I don't totally understand it.

[This message edited by whattheh at 4:35 PM, July 21st (Monday)]


BW- mid 50's (me)
fWH-late 50's
M 33 T 35
DD-Early 2013 PA 2010
In R but I have PTSD...

Posts: 545 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
ihatehim
♀ Member
Member # 35646
Default  Posted: 7:00 PM, July 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks everyone, these responses helped me gain new insight. I guess I didn't believe him bc they seemed so "in love" but on the other hand he dropped her like a rock when I found out.
I really don't think about my ex's much...maybe 1. I repressed the thoughts of them. One of them purely makes me nauseas. So I guess he could feel the same way. I too suffer from PTSD & anxiety. After reading your posts...I told him today it helps if he didn't just respond "no", but if he tells me what he IS feeling & thinking about. It would help me feel like he is more remorseful & humble about the situation...restarting counseling again.


Me: 33
Him:31
Ow: 27 (worked together)
Married 6years, 2 kids

Posts: 66 | Registered: May 2012
runningtothrive
♀ New Member
Member # 44135
Default  Posted: 9:50 PM, July 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The responses have helped me too and I feel better after reading them. Like other BS, I'm consumed with thoughts of the A, night and day. If my fWH says something even remotely associated with the A, I give him a dirty look like, I can't believe he just said something so insensitive. But this thread has made me realize that he can say those things because he's not thinking of the A and re-living it constantly like I am.

It was helpful when seethelight asked how often do we BS reminisce about former BFs. For me at least, not at all!

If I'm in a good mood, I can ask myself what do my fWH's actions today say? They say he's thinking of me, prioritizing me, helping me and our marriage these days. As difficult as reconciliation is, he's here pushing through it at my side. This is something I continually have to remind myself.


BW - late 20's (me)
WH - late 20's
Married - 2010
DDay - Dec. 2013
NC - Jan. 2014
Giving reconciliation a chance

Posts: 24 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: Untied States
peaceBmine
♀ Member
Member # 44060
Default  Posted: 9:57 PM, July 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

LadyLove and Whattheh....I felt like I was readj g my husband's words. He only think of OW when I bring it up...oh, how I wish I could do that.


Me (BS)- 42
Him (WS)- 44
Married 21 years
3 beautiful daughters (18,16,14)
DDay- 4/23/14- 6 month EA turned PA just before DDay

Posts: 183 | Registered: Jul 2014
overandone
Member
Member # 39162
Default  Posted: 8:13 AM, July 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

from LadyLove ...My WH tells me he never thinks of AP unless I ask him something that pertains to her, and even then he doesn't like to think and remember anything about her.. says it disgusts him. He says when he thinks of his A he thinks in terms of how much he hurt me and the damage it has wreaked on our marriage. He says he doesn't think fondly of her or the A, he says all he feels is disgust at what he did...

Puts it perfectly. And for someone who was a genius compartmentaliser, never felt romantically involved in his LTA partner (as confirmed by e-mails), finished it himself and repeatedly told her it wasn't going to start up again, I think he's telling the truth.


Me - BW (54)
Him - fWS (61)
kiddies - daughters 22 and 27,son 22,
d-day - April 18 2012
R - but lots of bumps in the long road

Posts: 227 | Registered: May 2013 | From: uk
Lostcat
♀ Member
Member # 43940
Default  Posted: 3:43 PM, July 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WW here. In the very beginning (when my head was still in the "fog" I did.) since we have been R it's different. Now I think about the A a lot, really a lot. Why I did it, the pain and trouble I caused, how I can make myself a better person. It's more feelings of regret and remorse.

Honestly I do think about OM sometimes but it's in quite a detached way - not in an I miss him way at all. And certainly not during sex.


Me WW 40
BH 38
2 kids 4 & 7
DDay 06/01/13, false R til 01/06/14
S til 03/23/14, now in hopeful R
So grateful for this chance

Posts: 57 | Registered: Jul 2014
SecondHelping
♂ Member
Member # 36796
Default  Posted: 9:19 PM, July 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My fWW says he doesn't and "can't afford" to think about the AP or A. She says she only thinks about it when I bring it up too.

The think I don't get is she says she 'would like to appologize to him for getting him into this mess'. I don't know how to take this. She says she isn't going to break NC but that's the only thing she wishes she would have done before NC.

On the other hand, I still think of the A, emails and mind movies dozens of times a day. Some days less...some days more.


D-Day 1: Feb 1990 (2 yrs into M, kissing and a hickey)
D-Day 2: 3 Sep 2012 (3 month EA/3 week PA)
BS 49- Me, fWW 43- Her (Amibroken)
OP- Deputy Chief of Police from the town next to us! (Age 37)
Married 25 Years, Together 28
3 Kids (17, 14, 11)

Posts: 487 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Delmarva
Feelthrownaway
♀ Member
Member # 33772
Default  Posted: 9:31 PM, July 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My husband says he doesn't and didn't unless I brought it up. When I did it made him feel extremely ashamed. He didn't get good memories . He said the first thing he sees when the affair is brought up is the pain on my face on dday and knowing he put it there.


BW- 48
FWH-49
D-day- aug 16,2011
Married 22 years- together 25

What doesn't kill me, scars me.


Posts: 1039 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Down South
Topic Posts: 17

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