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Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Genius strikes again
ChoosingHope
♀ Member
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 2:14 PM, July 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Now he's blocking our annual vacation, which has been planned for months. Last spring I bought airplane tickets for myself and the children for the ten-day trip, which now overlaps one of his Wednesday visitations with the kids AND a weekend of his visitation.

We're going to ask the judge to amend the decree to give me a discrete amount of time every year for vacation. I have no idea what will happen about that. But here's part of the latest diatribe, telling me to cancel the children's vacation even though I've offered him all sorts of make-up time. He is just doing this because he wants to force me into switching all weekends going forward indefinitely. And I can't/won't do it:

The Court Order makes no allowance for changes or missed times absent mutual agreement. You have said we need to keep to the schedule for things I have asked. We need to equally keep to them for my days, that includes the period of the CA trip. I expect you not to unilaterally violate the Order and deny me my weekends and Wed.

Further rescheduling during school isn't the same as time during summer.

You will need to reschedule.

I know this may be difficult. I face the same challenge on a number of other times. But, if we are keeping the schedule, we need to keep it.

My children are going to be brokenhearted if we really have to cancel. This is their only real vacation all year, and we go and visit their cousins and friends and extended family.

OH, and here's his reply to the key he stole - and there is NO way he didn't steal it:

As to the key, I'm not lying. I don't have it. Moreover, I'm not stupid enough to have it or even want it. You have exclusive use of the house under the Order. I fully respect the Court's Order. I have no need for a key. Please refrain from accusing me of things.

[This message edited by ChoosingHope at 2:16 PM, July 21st (Monday)]


Posts: 1736 | Registered: Oct 2011
ButterflyGirl
♀ Member
Member # 38377
Default  Posted: 2:48 PM, July 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is where I would say:

FUCK YOU. I'm taking the kids on the vacation I planned FOREVER ago. If you wish to take me to court and let the judge explain to you the definition of "REASONABLE," by all means, go ahead.

You are missing X number of days. Let me know when you would like to schedule your makeup days and I'll see if we can make it work. Thanks.


xBW~ 35
Two DS~ 7-Eleven
"I've wiped the shit off. It can be wiped off you know." ~ asurvivor

Posts: 2648 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Florida, USA
ArkLaMiss
♀ Member
Member # 14918
Default  Posted: 3:16 PM, July 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree, go on your vacation! Let him take you to court if he wants! Show the judge documentation that he knew abt the trip and agreed. Show the judge you offered make up time. The judge will school this clown!


Just HOW stupid do you think I am, exactly?

Posts: 1230 | Registered: Jun 2007
Secrets Kept
♀ Member
Member # 40630
Default  Posted: 3:27 PM, July 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Exactly what "butterflygirl" said.

Have a great vacation!!!


Marriage #1=BW-46 (now)
XWH-Deceased on his 36 bday
Divorced in 1996
Marriage #2= Married in 2003
H-44
2 kids together-DS14 & DD12
"All this time I was finding myself & I didn't know I was lost"

Posts: 223 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Midwest USA
norabird
♀ Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 3:29 PM, July 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This gave me creepy crawlies--my ex uses that same 'oh so reasonable' tone in his emails. Ickkkkk. Pretending to be so fair, trying to take the moral high ground, staying so infuriatingly calm and lying and being a manipulative ass underneath it!


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4203 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 3:54 PM, July 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Please don't let him continue to control your life. I agree with the others. You have documentation that he knew long ago about the vacation. You have documentation that you have tried to accommodate him so he wouldn't miss many scheduled days.

I really think this is an important post-divorce battle that you must win. Lose this battle and he will forever keep manipulating you.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - DIVORCED!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wJgjyDFfJuU

Posts: 10012 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
Tearsoflove
♀ Member
Member # 8271
Default  Posted: 4:08 PM, July 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hope you've installed a motion detection camera on the front of your house. I doubt that his attempts to use the key he didn't steal will be his last issues on your property.


"Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand." ~Homer Simpson


Posts: 4255 | Registered: Sep 2005
deena
♀ Member
Member # 27275
Default  Posted: 6:10 PM, July 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I say go on the trip. Just make sure you get cancellation insurance in case he somehow stops it last minute.
Being controlling using the kids is a low blow. It makes me sick to hear this.

Hope you have fun,!!!


Relationships are like glass. Sometimes it's
better to leave them broken than to hurt
yourself putting it back together.


Posts: 3124 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Canada
ChoosingHope
♀ Member
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 8:09 PM, July 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Please don't let him continue to control your life. I agree with the others. You have documentation that he knew long ago about the vacation. You have documentation that you have tried to accommodate him so he wouldn't miss many scheduled days.
I really think this is an important post-divorce battle that you must win. Lose this battle and he will forever keep manipulating you.

I know. But he hasn't had documentation for ages. He knew about the trip, but the attorneys advised me not to provide him with dates unless he asked - because we were waiting to hear back from the judge with the Divorce Decree.

As usual, we gave Genius something to use against me.

I'll have to wait and see what the judge says.


Posts: 1736 | Registered: Oct 2011
gonnabe2016
♀ Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 8:10 PM, July 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Now he's blocking our annual vacation, which has been planned for months. Last spring I bought airplane tickets for myself and the children for the ten-day trip

Stop talking to him and take the pre-planned trip with your kids. However, this will only work if you *have* the kids at your scheduled departure time.
Since everything is now final, if he doesn't like it he'll have to file a motion through the court that you were in contempt by *keeping* the kids from him during *his* time. Let him.
Go *silent* now about ANYTHING regarding your trip.

What is your L saying about this new wrinkle?


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 8181 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
SBB
♀ Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 8:17 PM, July 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm with BG too.

What does your L say? Can he make you cancel it?

Was this 'his' weekend when you booked it? I notice you say "now overlaps". Do you have a record of informing him of this trip?

I shut this shit down quickly - I'll set out what isn't going to happen (so in this case it would be "Returning early or rescheduling is not an option.") and list the options that ARE available (e.g. Your options here are to either nominate make up dates by INSERT TIME/DATE or forfeit this visitation time altogether). I refuse to enter into any further discussion on the topic.

I think you should not respond any further as you have already made your position clear here. From now on your emails/texts need to be written as if a judge were reading them.

You have offered several alternatives - he is just being a big bully. I think its awful that he doesn't give a shit that he's impacting the kids here. I'm all for sticking to the schedule but there are times when everyone needs to be flexible.

He has no good reason to be this obtuse. He is being completely unreasonable here and will be spanked in court for it. Even if you were doing the wrong thing I doubt he could stop your trip. Again, talk to your L in case there's something we are all missing here.

Hold your nerve and don't let him rattle you.

The sad clown and I have had a few skirmishes like this. We had a dispute about FRR because I offered FRR for him to pick the girls up after school/daycare as I had a work event to attend.

He came back saying he would pick them up from me later. This did not suit my plans at all. I stood my ground and said the FRR was for pickup after school - if he didn't accept I would make other care arrangements. He jumped up and down and said he was going to show up with the cops to get his FRR. Nothing came of it but he did speak to the police then sent me a veiled threat about how our arrangement was 'unenforceable' i.e.: he could start not doing any of it. He seemed to snap out of it but we'll see what drama he stirs next time he wants some ego kibbles.


There are ambiguities like this in every decree. You can't possibly cover every situation you'll face over the next 10+ years in a single document. The court expects everyone to try to work with each other.

No reasonable parent would be demanding what he is demanding.

I bet your agreement doesn't specify handover locations? As a last resort I would go on the trip and offer for him to fly out to pick them up if he wants to insist on that. I don't think it will come to that.

Don't cancel your trip and try not to stress out about this. He can huff and puff all he likes but you're no longer in a house of straw, you're in a house of bricks now.

((CH))


I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 5656 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
ChoosingHope
♀ Member
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 8:21 PM, July 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks Gonnabe.

My attorneys are filing a Motion tomorrow to Amend the Divorce Decree in three small ways. One of them is to get me official vacation time with my children. It's not in the Decree/Order right now, and everyone seems to think it's an oversight.

Other than that, they seem to think that I just needed to send him the official dates and offer him make-up time, like I've done for the past three years of our S/D. I did that late last week. Then I wrote him a quick reply to his nasty note, saying that the children would be devastated (so sad and true) and offering him make-up time again.

He won't accept it, but I want it to be part of the record.

After this, I will not address it again.

I fully expect him to file a MONSTER MOTION to amend everything in the divorce decree, from switching the weekends, to CS and SS amounts, to whatever. As usual it will be a doozy because he's an attorney representing himself, so it's free to him and devastatingly expensive to me. It's why he's been sending me dozens of emails in the past week, accusing me of parental alienation and his favorite phrases "making unilateral decisions." He's trying to set me up.

He has until tomorrow at 4:30 to file.

Stay tuned. I'm sure the circus will continue.

After tomorrow, he only has 20 more days to appeal the whole divorce. That's my next milestone. After that, I should feel more free and clear, maybe like I'm actually divorced.


Posts: 1736 | Registered: Oct 2011
ChoosingHope
♀ Member
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 8:26 PM, July 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The sad clown and I have had a few skirmishes like this. We had a dispute about FRR because I offered FRR for him to pick the girls up after school/daycare as I had a work event to attend.

He came back saying he would pick them up from me later. This did not suit my plans at all. I stood my ground and said the FRR was for pickup after school - if he didn't accept I would make other care arrangements. He jumped up and down and said he was going to show up with the cops to get his FRR. Nothing came of it but he did speak to the police then sent me a veiled threat about how our arrangement was 'unenforceable' i.e.: he could start not doing any of it. He seemed to snap out of it but we'll see what drama he stirs next time he wants some ego kibbles.

This sounds like Genius. Vintage Genius. I spent a good bit of time lately begin angry at myself for all the times I did NOT call the police on him in the past. Like when he shoved me across a room when I had his cellphone in my hand and I could see the text messages from OW for the first time. Or when he showed up drunk for visitation and locked me and DD out of the house -with him and DS inside.

I've always been too mortified to call the police. But not anymore, esp. considering he's probably trying to beat me to it.

thanks, sbb.


Posts: 1736 | Registered: Oct 2011
homewrecked2011
♀ Member
Member # 34678
Default  Posted: 8:31 PM, July 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yeah,, I wouldn't have told him anything about the key, etc.

Just fly under the radar.

Our vacation says I get 2 weeks each summer and I provide the dates to him by May 1 on Even years and he has to give me his dates by May 15 those years.. then it switches. It doesn't matter in the summer whose weekend it is.

I am actually happy the D spells out your weekend, you don't have the argument I have had when he didn't show and claimed it was my weekend.

Try not to live in the future. Don't tell the kids about possibly no vacation, wait til it doesn't happen, but I think you'll get your way....quit trying to work with him and explain things, he's insane, in my opinion and just wants to argue with someone --- preferably you. He's grabbing at straws, so let him.

Truthfully, he is so much like my XWH. Acting like he cared about the kids, but now hasn't seen them in a month.

[This message edited by homewrecked2011 at 8:33 PM, July 21st (Monday)]


Keep Calm and Happy On!

me BS 52
him - 46
married 15 years DIVORCED 10 31 12
children - ds15 ds12
d-day 12-19-11
I gave a 24hour ultimatum then went to attorney next day
Divorce filed


Posts: 2322 | Registered: Jan 2012
gonnabe2016
♀ Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 8:36 PM, July 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Are you going to get this in front of a judge before your departure date?


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 8181 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
ChoosingHope
♀ Member
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 9:25 PM, July 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Are you going to get this in front of a judge before your departure date?

Yes, tomorrow. We file to amend the decree and give me some vacation time each summer. Attorneys think it was an oversight by the judge.

Yes, everyone, I will start to try to fly under the radar more. It's hard when the lawyers want me to reply to every accusation. I have to learn a whole new way of dealing with him.

Thanks, everyone.


Posts: 1736 | Registered: Oct 2011
gonnabe2016
♀ Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 9:35 PM, July 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Attorneys think it was an oversight by the judge

Most likely, since your ex is such a chaos and drama type of guy -- it would be easy for something to fall through the cracks.


It's hard when the lawyers want me to reply to every accusation

Reply *silently*.
For every accusation he makes, print it out and write your rebuttal on the page.
Your divorce is final. Everything's decided. So he can tantrum all he wants, but it doesn't matter unless/until he takes you back to court.

Your crazy ex is counting on you replying to him...it's part of his *make CH crazy* agenda. Don't feed the beast.


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 8181 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
SBB
♀ Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 9:55 PM, July 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Why do the lawyers want you to reply? Have you explained NC and NPD? Do they have any advice in terms of the astronomical costs of dealing with an NPD who is a lawyer?

Is there anything you can do about him forcing frivolous legal action just because he can represent himself?

I would be visiting the local legal body (its the Law Society here in Australia) to find out what measures they have in place for this kind of legal harassment. He is abusing his law licence.

I would DEFINITELY call the police in future as he may need a wake up call by way of a threat to his practicing certificate.

I contacted the accountant body and they were very helpful. They told me what actions would result in a risk to his membership. That would fuck him up all kinds of Sundays. I hope I never have to use it but it is a good card to have in your deck.


I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 5656 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
ChoosingHope
♀ Member
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 10:35 PM, July 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Is there anything you can do about him forcing frivolous legal action just because he can represent himself?

I would be visiting the local legal body (its the Law Society here in Australia) to find out what measures they have in place for this kind of legal harassment. He is abusing his law licence.

OH, the judge wrote in the Divorce Decree something like, "EX testified without any apparent remorse or consciousness of guilt that he destroyed evidence, etc. EX is willing to lie when he is under oath and it suits his purposes."

In other words, Genius could lose his law license over it all, but he doesn't care.

Similarly, OW showed up inexplicably in court to spew venom and lie. She's an attorney too. The judge pointed out in the decree that she impeached herself too!

Yet they fight on. You can't make this stuff up.

Everyone here who advised me to LET IT GO whenever possible is right. I need to learn how to do that and stop living in fear that I'll "get in trouble" or "people will believe his lies." It's really a form of abuse.

I think that the only way to escape him to to fly under the radar screen and IGNORE whenever possible and try to live my life and let go of some of the debilitating worry.


Posts: 1736 | Registered: Oct 2011
caregiver9000
♀ Member
Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 11:08 PM, July 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think that the only way to escape him to to fly under the radar screen and IGNORE whenever possible and try to live my life and let go of some of the debilitating worry.

I am tempted to assign 100x for homework.

How about a YES! and a That's the spirit! instead.


Me: 44, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 13 DS 10
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 5906 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
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