My WW has told her mom that we are having problems and are in MC. I thought she maybe knew why because the MIL told me something that made me suspect she knew something and the WW needs all the support she can get. So I slipped and mentioned the A.
I asked her mum to keep this to herself for now...and be ready to support her daughter if anything comes out or if she needs her (I want them on her side)
So how bad for reconciliation could this be?
[This message edited by Hopefuldad468 at 7:35 AM, August 19th (Tuesday)]
And I suspect the shit will hit the fan whenWW finds out. Especially if A is over.
Yes, I know it's not your secret to keep. But I do feel sorry for MIL who got drafted into this war.
I don't think you did anything wrong. And, it sounds like your WW has been turning to her mother about your problems..but failing to mention the problems are because she cheated. I think that would upset me. She should be taking responsibility..and accepting the fallout as consequences of her affair. Instead, she has been lying to her mom for sympathy? And justifying her unhappiness by throwing you under the bus? How is that helpful for your R?
Telling the truth is never the wrong thing to do.
ETA...I agree... you shouldn't have asked MIL not to tell her DD that you told her. BUT..I don't think you dragged your MIL into this. Your WW did. All you did was set her straight on the facts.
[This message edited by confused615 at 3:04 PM, July 21st (Monday)]
..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.
I am the WW in my situation. My family knows. My Mother is HPD/NPD and has been cut off. She tried to justify my As to me, for me. Not a healthy choice. I would have been ecstatic if she could have had empathy for my BH.
My BH has only shared with a few limited people. I was informed after the fact, most of the time. Anyone he needs/wants to tell should know. At least, IMHO. I don't need him to keep a secret he does not want to keep.
I might also suggest that you delicately suggest to your WW or to MIL that perhaps your wife should be venting to a counselor. Including my mother in my relationship with BH was a terrible decision.
Appalled by my actions, and the choice to set off several atomic bombs in my life.
But since her mother now knows the truth, it does unfairly burden her trying to keep the secret while still giving advice. I think your wife should know that you told her mother so her mother can speak freely. The truth is what sets everybody free here. And, personally, I would be outraged if my husband was making me look like the bad guy to his family when he was the one having an affair. It's hard enough to have a decent relationship with your in-laws without your spouse sabotaging it by pointing out your every flaw while making themselves look like the perfect spouse.
[This message edited by Hopefuldad468 at 10:29 AM, August 16th (Saturday)]
I told two people after dday outside of my best friend and own mother - one was a coworker who had been through a similar situation and was the only person I knew empathetic to my actual work situation in trying to deal with an affair and work. The other was a playdate mom, and I did *not* wan tot ell her and still regret her finding out - but she was concerned on my absence from everything for a few weeks, I'm a piss poor liar, and she was concerned with a whole bunch of life changes going on. I wound up full on bawling when she asked me about why I didn't seem to know when I was scheduling my daughter for swim lessons I told my husband that I told both of them and he was understanding. He said while he'd rather the playdate mom not know, it's his screw up, not mine, and he hates that I've been put in this "plaster a fake smile on my face" type situation and he will take repercussions of what he's done.
My MIL knows. It was one of my conditions. I think, depending on the parents, it can be useful to have the WS's mother or sibling know if that person is supportive of the WS, the BS, and of the marriage and of any choices that the two people are making. A parent will always love their child even if they're disappointed in them, and sometimes a WS needs that kind of support system. Of course, not every parent is actually helpful to tell.