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Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Not doing enough
ThatGuyNoMore
♂ Member
Member # 42899
Sad  Posted: 7:12 PM, July 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm not doing enough of the work. My BW is frustrated and depressed and feels she's doing way more of the work to heal the relationship. This is one reason among many that she wants me to move out. I'm not doing enough to make her feel safe. I'm not sufficiently demonstrating to her that I'm doing all that I can to fix myself and ensure that I'll never stray again. I'm not initiating enough of the important conversations. I'm not giving her enough quality time, which is her love language.

There are about a dozen other reasons she cites for wanting to separate, at least for a while. What I cite here is my actions/inactions that have cemented her decision to separate.

My BW and I have had many conversations, both in person and via email, in which she has enumerated things I can do for her to show that I care. She's given me as much of a map as she can. But I'm disorganized. I have stuff written down in a journal, on scraps of paper, and in saved emails in two different accounts. None of that crucial information is in the same place. What I need to do is cobble together a single list and post it where I will see it at home, at work, on my phone, anywhere I am frequently. Then I could review it at any time and ask myself, "What have I done on this list today? What have I done on this list this week? What else can I do?" Instead, I have assimilated a few things that my ADHD brain can latch on to, and while I've done those things pretty well, it hasn't been nearly enough--not often enough and not comprehensively. I've let her down by not doing enough of the right things to take care of her. And I've let myself down by continuing to use the same failed coping strategies.

I am afraid it's too little, too late.


Me and BW 48
Married 22 years, 4 kids
D-Day 3/5/14
I lied to everyone, including myself.

Posts: 198 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: US
WalkinOnEggshelz
♀ Member
Member # 29447
Default  Posted: 7:59 PM, July 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She's given me as much of a map as she can. But I'm disorganized.

She won't care if your disorganized, have ADHD, work overtime, or have the flu. What she wants from you is to know that she is a priority, which is difficult when all she is getting is excuses.

If she has given you a roadmap then use it. Then go above and beyond what she has given you because you are already behind if she has to tell you what to do. Those things will hold less impact and appear less sincere because it is coming from her.

You need to kick it into high gear if you want any chance at this point. You have to be proactive. You have to show her that she is the best thing that has ever happened to you, that you love her and only her and want more than anything to fix the broken parts of you so that you can be a good partner.

Sitting looking at sticky notes and various emails isn't proactive. Heck, it's not even active. Don't make excuses. It's either a priority or it's not. That's on you.


Me: WS 42
Him: BH 43(HoldingTogether)
M: 18years, together 22
2 Daughters: 13 and 10
D Day: 7/24/2010; TT to 10/17/10
If you keep asking people to give you the benefit of the doubt, they will eventually start to doubt your benefit.

Posts: 736 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Texas
badchoice
♂ Member
Member # 35566
Default  Posted: 8:20 PM, July 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sitting looking at sticky notes and various emails isn't proactive. Heck, it's not even active. Don't make excuses. It's either a priority or it's not. That's on you.

Could not have said it better myself.

Time to stop making excuses and start just doing it.

Why are you not following that map?


What I need to do is cobble together a single list and post it where I will see it at home, at work, on my phone, anywhere I am frequently.

What is keeping you from doing it?


Me: fWH/BH 46

Separated transitioning to D


Posts: 730 | Registered: May 2012 | From: L.A.
Matilda23
♀ Member
Member # 42807
Default  Posted: 9:56 PM, July 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What I need to do is cobble together a single list and post it where I will see it at home, at work, on my phone, anywhere I am frequently. Then I could review it at any time and ask myself, "What have I done on this list today? What have I done on this list this week? What else can I do?"
You know what you need to do, why haven't you done it? If it's a list like you say, why not make it, and put it in your wallet. You say you do journals, sticky notes, etc. but if that is not working for you find something else that will. One quote that I like that BBF has shared with me is, "if you want it, you will find a way. If you don't you will find excuses", and to me it sounds like a whole lot of excuses.

You are very lucky your BW has given you a road map to R, not everyone gets it. So use it wisely.

Random sticky notes do not work for me, however, I have a list next to my closet that I try to follow every night. I have a kanban board in my bedroom with all the things I am working on and that is helping me.

I am very disorganized, but I found a system that works for me. Keep swinging the bat. If you miss, figure out if its something you did and change it.


WGF - 24
BBF - MercilesslyNuked, 29
DDay 1 - 1/6/14
DDay 2 - 1/23/14

I Am Strong! I Am Beautiful! I Am Smart! I Am Worthy!


Posts: 131 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Colorado
mhca
♂ Member
Member # 41920
Default  Posted: 10:10 PM, July 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is a very simple proposition. You don't need any organization at all. From the moment you wake up, to the moment you go to bed, you should be thinking about your BS and what she needs to heal and doing it.

You should be thinking and doing this all the f--king time.

Because she is hurting. All the f--king time.

Every moment. Every day.


Me: BH 47 STBXWW 47 (Lklb5)
M 19 years, DS 15, DS 11
DD#1: 12/24/2013
TT/Broke NC/False R
DD#2: 4/15/2014
TT 4/23, 4/24, 5/31, 7/19
Divorcing

Sample recovery plan, feedback welcome: http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=539961


Posts: 784 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: California
lovemywife4ever
♂ Member
Member # 42834
Default  Posted: 6:42 AM, July 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Do lists help? I find that lists help me to get through what needs to be done. Maybe adding things she needs to your list will help.


Me-WS
Her-BS (deena04)
Upper 30s and kids at home (hers/mine/ours)
Cheater-me 2.5 years into relationship, 2 months before engagement, 1.5 year before M...this is not an excuse but a timeline of our life

Posts: 193 | Registered: Mar 2014
DrJekyll
♂ Member
Member # 43618
Default  Posted: 7:31 AM, July 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

pocket notebook $.79 pen $.25 keeping them in your pocket and using them - invaluable

there is a psychology to writing things down. when you write things down you commit to them. Write down you list and contemplate them. write down your thoughts.

if you have a google account, you can keep the list updated on google drive. I can access that from any computer or my smartphone.

GET OUT OF THE BOX. The box is what helped you get into this mess.


Moving from Jekyll the destroyer to Jekyll the rebuilder.

"If you don't eat the elephant in one bite, it might trample you while chewing"

ME: WH HER: BS (holesinmybucket)

no stop sign = BS always welcome
I do not PM with women


Posts: 699 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: United States
somethingremorse
♂ Member
Member # 42047
Default  Posted: 9:22 AM, July 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WOES is 100% right.

For me, I carried a notebook with me back and forth to work, IC, and MC for the first 5 months. I carried a pocket notebook everywhere with me until last month.

BW wanted to see changes in me. Even when I thought I was getting better, BW didn't see anything. I had to prove it to her, in very obvious ways. Even if those things were not natural to me.

FWIW, I don't carry around that little notebook all the time anymore. With all that practice of writing out my feelings, I have actually (I think) gotten better about understanding them and sharing them immediately. So a notebook can be a training tool, not a permanent fixture.


Me: WH (42)
DDay 11/03/13
In MC and IC

Posts: 625 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Pennsylvania
TrulySad
♀ Member
Member # 39652
Default  Posted: 1:40 PM, July 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As a BGF, and a BW in the past, the way I see it is... if my WBF/WH went to ALL the trouble to seek out other women, cover their trail, basically make endless amounts of effort to betray me, if they want a chance at R with me, they have zero excuses for not finding the time and creativity to make it happen.

It may seem harsh, but it's the blunt truth. Affairs certainly take effort. Not only that, it's effort for something shallow, disgusting and selfish.

Maybe you could start turning things around in your head, telling yourself the efforts made now for your beautiful W are meaningful, sincere, and something your want to be excited about.

I'm currently in the same situation with my WBF. He is all about himself, and I just want to give up. We talk about the issues, and it always turns to poor him. I never see him concerned about how things affect me, what could trigger me, or the toll this has taken on my health. Could he be doing more? Absolutely. Would it save us? I have no idea. But if he keeps doing nothing to change it, we will never find out. I'm ready to move forward without him.

If you want a different outcome, quit thinking of the work as difficult. I'm not saying it will be easy, but if you think about it as something you truly want to do, maybe you'll have a better ending.


Me: Sad, but I will survive

True Love: What I have for my beautiful children.


Posts: 455 | Registered: Jun 2013
Imabrokenman
♂ Member
Member # 43886
Default  Posted: 2:15 PM, July 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ThatGuy -

Not to pile on, but you should feel lucky that you have gotten that road map. Some of us are doing everything that books, blogs, therapists tell us and are not making very much headway. Whether it is too soon after DDay, or too little too late, I find myself trying and trying to help my BS heal, only to be rebuffed.

And I've let myself down by continuing to use the same failed coping strategies.

Isn't the definition of insanity "doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result"?

If you know the issue, you have won half the battle. Change what you are doing, stop using the same failed coping strategies. Organize your thoughts. Journal regularly. Keep a notebook with you at all times to jot things down in, and refer back to those notes several times per day. All day, every day.

YOU are the only one who can change this. You can take advice from SI all day long, but YOU are the one that has to make it work.

Good luck.


Me: WH (49)
Her: BW (48)
DDay 1: June 9, 2014
DDay 2: June 23, 2014
Married: 19 Years
No children

Currently living apart, unsure of reconciliation. In IC.


Posts: 69 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Richmond, VA
Topic Posts: 10

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