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Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Wayward accountability and another question
Actionsoverwords
♂ Member
Member # 41949
Default  Posted: 10:23 PM, July 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My BW and I are not working towards R currently, but rather, I am working on becoming more accountable so that we can have a basis for a functional relationship. I was just wondering if any of you out there (BS and WS welcome)had any experiences with voice activated recorders ("VAR") as an accountability tool? I carried a digital recorder today to account for my whereabouts and my behavior at work, during work hours, and I just uploaded the file to my computer and it is over 500 megs. At this rate, I will be out of hard disk space in no time.

Any one out there have any suggestions for a VAR that has: (1) lots of storage; (2) battery efficient; (3) good voice clarity; and (4) not the size of a brick?

This next question is for SAWH, but spouses are welcome if you all have some insight. I have been on AD's and an anti-compulsive behavior med, but none of it seems to be helping with the fantasizing and urges. Would anyone here have any experience with Depo-Provera, or otherwise known as chemical castration? My psychiatrist has never prescribed it and he seems reluctant as he continually expressed incredulity as he keeps telling me that "You are not a sex offender." I know that I have a problem and although I am concerned about side-effects, I have to take a step towards dealing with my SA.

Any and all responses would be appreciated.


Me: WH, 30's
Her : BW, 30's, (determinata)
Children: An amazing son.
I am a sex addict, working on myself, and facing the wreckage of my actions.



Posts: 257 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: New York City
sorrowfulmate
♂ Member
Member # 43441
Default  Posted: 6:44 AM, July 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Have you considered SA?

As for VARs and other things let's face it. If you are going to do this again there is nothing you will do to stop it.

It comes down to your willingness and surrender to do the things you need to do to save your relationship. If you want to save this then you will have to also become the major proponent of healing in the relationship.

I would suggest the book "Not just Friends" it's opening my eyes to how lousy my boundaries were.


Me-WS 50
Her-BS 50 Questioningall
5 kids
Dday 1 12/12
Dday 2 - 3/14 EAs, 2 ONS, 1 LTA
TT until 7/14 when I gave a timeline
"Good night, Sorrowful. Good work. Sleep well. I can always divorce you in the morning." Dread BW Roberts

Posts: 179 | Registered: May 2014
LostTime
♂ Member
Member # 42018
Default  Posted: 8:53 AM, July 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I struggle with demonstrating or effectively demonstrating accountability in the eyes of my BW as well. In my case, my BW has said she's past checking up on me and refuses to police a 'relationship'. She says it's my life and I'm going to do what I'm going to do.

In the last month I have switched my focus from trying to do things only to appease her or the situation. This is pointless in my case, we are separated and I'm living out of the house now. She has everything with day to day on her plate and I carry terrible guilt over that with me. She doesn't have time for her let alone to check up on me.

So the switch is to living accountable to me and my commitment to her. I asked myself What do I want? Who do I want to be? How can I get there? And most importantly why do I want these things? This has opened my eyes to a new way of attacking change and life.

If she does see this all the better, but at least I can go to sleep knowing I did the best I could today to live up to that promise wholely and be grateful for the chance to change myself.

As for your SA question. I cannot totally relate, but it comes across to me that you are looking for someone else or something to fix this in you. I do not believe that is the answer. SA is an addiction based on a pattern of thinking, choices and actions. If you can be honest with what you were looking for out of those thoughts, choices and actions you can get a starting point as to what you have to change.

I know you are hurting and struggling with this and those emotions will only make dealing with it harder. SAA and SLAA talk about healing physically, mentally and spiritually. In my limited experience so far I have been focusing on the spiritual/mental through meditation. I find this has helped me connect so much better with my feelings and being able to separate or look at them more objectively. I know in hearing other SA talk in meetings, so many struggle with the belief in a higher power or God. It seems they get hung up on defining that or feeling like they have to conform to believing in 'GOD' or religion. I guess for me it's just about believing in something bigger - a higher power. I don't know how you feel about this, but you might want to give meditation a try there's a lot of guided meditations that help focus on your breathing and not trying too hard. I find it helps deal with the anxiety and loneliness and isolation of separation and find my focus when I get overwhelmed emotionally. I hope you do find some peace within yourself and your situation.


Me: WS - 38
Her: Beautiful, amazing BS - 38
5 beautiful amazing kids ages 2 - 14.
Separated and hoping for reconciliation one day.

Posts: 139 | Registered: Jan 2014
Matilda23
♀ Member
Member # 42807
Default  Posted: 11:43 PM, July 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I haven't used a VAR for accountability but BBF and I do other things. I'm always at a computer, so when I'm not helping a member, I email BBF and see how he's doing. We have both installed GPS in our phones so if he needed to see where I was at he could. We also downloaded an app called "Couples" I text him on the app and send pinpoint locations from there. He doesn't want to police me either, but I still do it. And if he feels like something is not right, then he can find me.
he continually expressed incredulity as he keeps telling me that "You are not a sex offender."
My IC told me the same thing, but when I took the questionaire online, I fit the description. I am starting meetings, and right now I'm just getting used to that. Have you tried a meeting? They do do it online, over the phone, in person coed, just men and just women? I know not much of a help, but maybe that's drthjng you could try.


WGF - 24
BBF - MercilesslyNuked, 29
DDay 1 - 1/6/14
DDay 2 - 1/23/14

I Am Strong! I Am Beautiful! I Am Smart! I Am Worthy!


Posts: 125 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Colorado
Actionsoverwords
♂ Member
Member # 41949
Default  Posted: 8:20 PM, July 24th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Have you considered SA?
As for VARs and other things let's face it. If you are going to do this again there is nothing you will do to stop it.

It comes down to your willingness and surrender to do the things you need to do to save your relationship. If you want to save this then you will have to also become the major proponent of healing in the relationship.

I would suggest the book "Not just Friends" it's opening my eyes to how lousy my boundaries were.

I'm currently in SA, SAA, SRA, SCA, seeing a CSAT and a therapist. You are absolutely right that nothing will stop me from my addiction if I choose to engage in it and I recognize that. The VAR isn't a deterrent for me to not act out. It's so that everything that I do, good, bad, safe, unsafe, is recorded and logged and that BW can listen to at any time.

I struggle with demonstrating or effectively demonstrating accountability in the eyes of my BW as well. In my case, my BW has said she's past checking up on me and refuses to police a 'relationship'. She says it's my life and I'm going to do what I'm going to do.
In the last month I have switched my focus from trying to do things only to appease her or the situation. This is pointless in my case, we are separated and I'm living out of the house now. She has everything with day to day on her plate and I carry terrible guilt over that with me. She doesn't have time for her let alone to check up on me.

So the switch is to living accountable to me and my commitment to her. I asked myself What do I want? Who do I want to be? How can I get there? And most importantly why do I want these things? This has opened my eyes to a new way of attacking change and life.

If she does see this all the better, but at least I can go to sleep knowing I did the best I could today to live up to that promise wholely and be grateful for the chance to change myself.

As for your SA question. I cannot totally relate, but it comes across to me that you are looking for someone else or something to fix this in you. I do not believe that is the answer. SA is an addiction based on a pattern of thinking, choices and actions. If you can be honest with what you were looking for out of those thoughts, choices and actions you can get a starting point as to what you have to change.

I know you are hurting and struggling with this and those emotions will only make dealing with it harder. SAA and SLAA talk about healing physically, mentally and spiritually. In my limited experience so far I have been focusing on the spiritual/mental through meditation. I find this has helped me connect so much better with my feelings and being able to separate or look at them more objectively. I know in hearing other SA talk in meetings, so many struggle with the belief in a higher power or God. It seems they get hung up on defining that or feeling like they have to conform to believing in 'GOD' or religion. I guess for me it's just about believing in something bigger - a higher power. I don't know how you feel about this, but you might want to give meditation a try there's a lot of guided meditations that help focus on your breathing and not trying too hard. I find it helps deal with the anxiety and loneliness and isolation of separation and find my focus when I get overwhelmed emotionally. I hope you do find some peace within yourself and your situation.

determinata has said the same, she is not my warden and has no interest in policing my life. I think letting go of the outcome and letting go of control and being "selfish" and working on me is key to recovery, but control is a humongous issue with me and being selfish usually means acting out sexually.

I am not looking for anyone or something to fix me. My question about meds was simply so that I can stop these compulsive thoughts and diminish my sex drive enough so that I have the head space to work on me.

Thanks for sharing your experiences with meditation, I have to get back to it and really sit with those feelings of being uncomfortable.

I haven't used a VAR for accountability but BBF and I do other things. I'm always at a computer, so when I'm not helping a member, I email BBF and see how he's doing. We have both installed GPS in our phones so if he needed to see where I was at he could. We also downloaded an app called "Couples" I text him on the app and send pinpoint locations from there. He doesn't want to police me either, but I still do it. And if he feels like something is not right, then he can find me.
he continually expressed incredulity as he keeps telling me that "You are not a sex offender."
My IC told me the same thing, but when I took the questionaire online, I fit the description. I am starting meetings, and right now I'm just getting used to that. Have you tried a meeting? They do do it online, over the phone, in person coed, just men and just women? I know not much of a help, but maybe that's drthjng you could try.

Yep. I have been attending a number of meetings, since 2008 (although I wasn't really in recovery then). I'm in the middle of a 90/90, and I am ahead. I'm a part of SAA, SRA, SA, SCA.


Me: WH, 30's
Her : BW, 30's, (determinata)
Children: An amazing son.
I am a sex addict, working on myself, and facing the wreckage of my actions.



Posts: 257 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: New York City
Topic Posts: 5

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