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Just Found Out     Print Topic    
User Topic: She's still cheating at work
deceivedguy
♂ Member
Member # 44049
Default  Posted: 11:13 PM, July 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is a continuation of my initial topic,
"She's been cheating at work".
Because this is essentially going to be another DDay.
A month and a half ago, my WW said she cut contact with OM. My gut told me she was lying, but I had no proof.
The VAR gave me the results I was looking for, today.
WW was supposed to cut contact with OM, and I KNEW something wasn;t right. I felt it.

With the advice of my SI family here, I placed a VAR in her car. Today, he walks her to the car. I can;t make out everything, but when she opens the door it's clearly him. He's Russian. She shooshes him, and there's a long silence which sounds like kissing breathing, if you know what I mean.

Now what? I could confront her now or in the morning, or wait until I get a lawyer. I don;t even have a job, I'm a stay at home dad.

[This message edited by deceivedguy at 11:18 PM, July 21st (Monday)]


Me (49), WW (44), 2 Awesome DDs
DDay 6/2/2014 - 16 years married
Possibly new or continuing A, currently.
Worst experience of my life. Still having a tough time dealing with this. I appreciate your support, more than I can express.

Posts: 175 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: illinois
atreides
♂ Member
Member # 44180
Default  Posted: 11:36 PM, July 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Gosh your story is terrible, so sorry.

If it were me, i would not out that you have a VAR. Try pushing her or use "i got word that" but don't out the VAR.


Honestly why do you want to confront for D-Day 2? She has failed you yet again... is there any question here as to what it would accomplish?

I know you need to figure out the lawyer thing, but I am not sure what confronting would add. The cheat is out already, she is just relapsing.

It's up to you as you know what you want from this. IF you decide to confront, don't let in on the VAR. my 2 cents

[This message edited by atreides at 11:37 PM, July 21st (Monday)]


Posts: 99 | Registered: Jul 2014
deceivedguy
♂ Member
Member # 44049
Default  Posted: 11:38 PM, July 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Definitely not mentioning the VAR. I do have the exact time they met, though. As with so many other cheaters, she will only admit to what proof she thinks I have, so having the exact time should cut down on the denial.


Me (49), WW (44), 2 Awesome DDs
DDay 6/2/2014 - 16 years married
Possibly new or continuing A, currently.
Worst experience of my life. Still having a tough time dealing with this. I appreciate your support, more than I can express.

Posts: 175 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: illinois
Lark
♀ Member
Member # 43773
Default  Posted: 11:44 PM, July 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would not confront her yet. Continue getting your ducks in a row. This just confirms why you need to have a firm plan of action so that when you confront her, it's with D papers - and not an argument.

I wonder why the shushing? Is she suspicious of a VAR?


"Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul." - William Ernest Henley

Posts: 511 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: California
deceivedguy
♂ Member
Member # 44049
Default  Posted: 11:47 PM, July 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The shushing sounded like she wanted to shut him up and kiss him. That kind of shush.


Me (49), WW (44), 2 Awesome DDs
DDay 6/2/2014 - 16 years married
Possibly new or continuing A, currently.
Worst experience of my life. Still having a tough time dealing with this. I appreciate your support, more than I can express.

Posts: 175 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: illinois
Badhurt
♂ Member
Member # 41947
Default  Posted: 11:56 PM, July 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Deceived

You have two threads going and should ask the MODS to combine them or everyone will get confused.
I do not agree with those that say to keep your mouth shut until you get yourself financially I'm better condition
If you got a job tomorrow, even a high paying one, it will be some time for you. To be financially independent.
You will go crazy in the meantime .
I still can't believe the court system in a settlement will not make her pay for legal fees
Woman who have never worked a day in their lives get divorced and have an attorney.
I think the time has come when you are going to have to file with an attorney who may not be a legal expert with a big reputation.


Posts: 1097 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Eastern USA
deceivedguy
♂ Member
Member # 44049
Default  Posted: 12:05 AM, July 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Badhurt, I will ask mods to delete or combine topics. I I initially added the second one because I wanted people to know about the update. Thanks

[This message edited by deceivedguy at 12:08 AM, July 22nd (Tuesday)]


Me (49), WW (44), 2 Awesome DDs
DDay 6/2/2014 - 16 years married
Possibly new or continuing A, currently.
Worst experience of my life. Still having a tough time dealing with this. I appreciate your support, more than I can express.

Posts: 175 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: illinois
Salt
♀ Member
Member # 43726
Default  Posted: 12:17 AM, July 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

DG,
I replied to your other thread, not sure if you have seen it.

I am with Badhurt on this. I think you should wait to confront, but not wait until you get another job.

When I confronted ex DG, I had already been to an attorney. I already had a plan, a strategy and I executed on it. I did it before I had a job, I was in a situation similar to you. I hadn't worked in 8 years at the time, although I had earned my mba at the time.

So, start where you are. You can always continue to look for a better attorney, but it's time to move now.

[This message edited by Salt at 12:17 AM, July 22nd (Tuesday)]


BS, 54 Divorced 2012
I read and walked for miles at night along the beach, writing bad blank verse and searching endlessly for someone wonderful who would step out of the darkness and change my life. It never crossed my mind that that person would be me.

Posts: 89 | Registered: Jun 2014
Ginny
♀ Member
Member # 43196
Default  Posted: 1:16 AM, July 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Did she shush him because she suspects a VAR in her car?

Posts: 78 | Registered: Apr 2014
Ginny
♀ Member
Member # 43196
Default  Posted: 1:16 AM, July 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry, double post

[This message edited by Ginny at 5:36 AM, July 22nd (Tuesday)]


Posts: 78 | Registered: Apr 2014
deceivedguy
♂ Member
Member # 44049
Default  Posted: 1:48 AM, July 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ginny, now that i listen to it again, there was weird breathing. They were doing something after that./


Me (49), WW (44), 2 Awesome DDs
DDay 6/2/2014 - 16 years married
Possibly new or continuing A, currently.
Worst experience of my life. Still having a tough time dealing with this. I appreciate your support, more than I can express.

Posts: 175 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: illinois
determinata
Member
Member # 42124
Default  Posted: 2:19 AM, July 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

DG,
What would be the advantage in confronting her now? You said in the other thread that you will need to produce the VAR if she denies it later. No, you don't. The longer you wait, the more evidence you will have because this affair is going to continue.

I suspect that you feel if you confront her now, she'll break down and plead for forgiveness and R. It's not likely and you have your kids and your financial situation to look after. Please, control those impulses and wait to get more info.

Why is it taking you so long to find a divorce attorney? Be honest: Are you self-sabotaging? Can you ask any friends or relatives if they know of a reputable divorce attorney "for a friend"?


M 2007. DDay 2008
~10+ CL Prostitutes in 8 months
Divorcing SAWH "ActionsOverWords"
Me: Early 30s BW (also an adult OC) w Baby DS

6 years of TT, hidden STD & false R
Separated 5 mos+; he will not commit
Someday I will be okay


Posts: 288 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: New York City
deceivedguy
♂ Member
Member # 44049
Default  Posted: 2:22 AM, July 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i'm being honest. The few people I know who have had a divorce, are parents of my DDs classmates. I can't ask them. I've had one referral so far, and this guy was ridiculous. I have to start going through the phone book and internet. I'm just worried about not getting someone good.


Me (49), WW (44), 2 Awesome DDs
DDay 6/2/2014 - 16 years married
Possibly new or continuing A, currently.
Worst experience of my life. Still having a tough time dealing with this. I appreciate your support, more than I can express.

Posts: 175 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: illinois
Salt
♀ Member
Member # 43726
Default  Posted: 3:04 AM, July 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OK DG,
If you have to go through the phone book then do it. You will know the right attorney when you find him/her.


BS, 54 Divorced 2012
I read and walked for miles at night along the beach, writing bad blank verse and searching endlessly for someone wonderful who would step out of the darkness and change my life. It never crossed my mind that that person would be me.

Posts: 89 | Registered: Jun 2014
deceivedguy
♂ Member
Member # 44049
Default  Posted: 3:16 AM, July 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just posted a topic in the divorce forum, asking if anyone knows a good divorce attorney, west of Chicago.
Didn't give my exact location. Asked them to PM me for my county.


Me (49), WW (44), 2 Awesome DDs
DDay 6/2/2014 - 16 years married
Possibly new or continuing A, currently.
Worst experience of my life. Still having a tough time dealing with this. I appreciate your support, more than I can express.

Posts: 175 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: illinois
Salt
♀ Member
Member # 43726
Default  Posted: 3:18 AM, July 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Why not work with someone in Chicago? Why your county?


BS, 54 Divorced 2012
I read and walked for miles at night along the beach, writing bad blank verse and searching endlessly for someone wonderful who would step out of the darkness and change my life. It never crossed my mind that that person would be me.

Posts: 89 | Registered: Jun 2014
homewrecked2011
♀ Member
Member # 34678
Default  Posted: 4:10 AM, July 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, at least see a couple of attorneys,,,do any have free consults in your area? I'd stick with one in my county, too, as they all know the judges better than an outside attorney...

If you have heard that a xyz person at your kids school had a good attorney, you can probably do an internet search of the docket to see which attorney they used. it's public info in my county in SC. If the atty's name doesn't show up, call the family court office and ask them on such and such a date (found on the docket search) which atty did so and so use... Also, I just did an internet search on alimony in Illinios, and it is possibly an option. It also says the judge can take into consideration if someone quit a job or quit school for the kids when calculating alimony. Your WS might also be responsible for your legal fees...

I actually pulled out an old yellow pages and went thru and called each one until I found 3 different attys with a free or cheap inital consult. After each appt, I had more questions to ask the next atty.

Don't say anything until you see a couple of attys. Also, my atty told me NOT to get a job so I could get more child support. In my state, the person who was the primary caregiver got custody.

Best case scenerio, you hire an atty (mine was $2500 retainer I borrowed from my bro), you serve her with papers and tell her to get her ass out the door, the judge gives you temp support, etc. Sometimes this really wakes up the waywards.....

[This message edited by homewrecked2011 at 4:11 AM, July 22nd (Tuesday)]


me BS 52
him - 46
married 15 years DIVORCED 10 31 12
children - ds15 ds12
d-day 12-19-11
I gave a 24hour ultimatum then went to attorney next day
Divorce filed

Posts: 2111 | Registered: Jan 2012
wk55hn
♂ Member
Member # 44159
Default  Posted: 5:28 AM, July 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sorry you're in this situation.

I think you should just let her go. Look at this advice. I don't know who wrote it, but to me it makes a lot of sense.

Just Let Them Go

The end result?

The end result is to respect yourself in the end, let go of the people that don't value you or respect you.

That is the end result.

The quickest way to get a cheating spouse back is to let them go with a smile on your face wishing them the best in life and hoping that everything works out in their relationship with their affair partner.

Seriously, the quickest way to get them back.

Nothing else works better or quicker.

Let them go.

Agree with them and their feelings, "you should be with the OM, I hope he makes you happy, good bye."

Wouldn't that be true love?

If you really loved your spouse, and wanted them to have what they really want in life which is the other person they're in love with, wouldn't letting them go be the approach if you really love them?

Why focus on the affair or the drama associated with it? Just let them go. Give them their freedom.

You can take a good hard look at yourself in the mirror everyday and improve yourself but do it for you, not for someone else, the changes will never stick when it's done for someone else, do it for your benefit and you will probably make those changes last much longer if not indefinitely - because it's for your benefit and you realize the importance and value in that benefit because YOU are involved.

I will never tell someone to change to entice a WAW back when she's been cheating on him. I don't care how bad a marriage, there is never an excuse for cheating. That is a personal decision that someone makes to cheat on their spouse. If a marriage is really bad, leave, get a divorce, speak up to your spouse and tell them flat out "this marriage sucks and if things don't change I'm going to leave you and find someone better" and if things don't improve, leave that person.

But cheating, no excuses.

Think about cheating.

A wayward spouse who cheats on their spouse goes behind their back, secretly, telling lies, feeling guilty, getting angry at their spouse for getting in the way of their fantasies but never owning up to their actions, never admitting what they're doing. If a person who cheats on their spouse felt justified in their actions, why hide and go behind their spouses backs when they start cheating, why lie, why make up excuses about late nights at work and going to a friends place and sleeping over because they drank too much and any other such nonsense?

Deep down, the cheating spouse knows there is something inherently wrong with their actions otherwise they wouldn't lie about their actions and hide what they're doing.

Fighting the affair? For what reason? To compete with the OM or OW for your spouse? What message does that communicate to your wayward spouse? They have lots of value and you have none because now you have to compete with another person for their love? Competing with your wayward spouse's affair partner never works, it just prolongs an ugly drama-filled process.

The easiest way to show you will not tolerate cheating in your relationship is to let that person go. That is the easiest and most effective way to show this.

"Look wife/husband, I won't be in an open relationship with you, I won't give you X number of days, weeks, months to make your mind, if you really feel like you need to sit on the fence on this decision and can't decide between your affair partner and me well I will make the decision for you, you can be with them because I'm no longer an option. I love you and wish you a good life with them and hope it works out for you because it didn't work out for us. Now the best thing we can do for each other is to make this process as graceful and peaceful as possible for us and our children, I'll contact a lawyer/mediator and get started on the process of our legal separation/divorce."

You give them what they want.

You don't fight them on this issue.

You agree with their feelings, they want to be with the other person, fine they should be with the other person, let them be with the other person.

You will never convince a person to change their feelings with your arguments and logic. You can not find one member on this website in a situation where they are dealing with infidelity where they got their spouse to change their mind about how they feel about their affair partner.

You can't say "don't love them, love me instead," you can't say "look at me, I'm better in every way compared to your affair partner, pick me instead of them," you can't say "you took marriage vows, you promised to love me."

You don't have to make it easy for your wayward spouse to have an affair, but when you let them go, "lovingly detach," you don't have to worry about making it easy for them. It's no longer your concern, they can have you or them but not both and not at the same time and since they've chosen to have an affair, they've made their choice, there is no profit in fighting that decision. Let them go and move on with your life, that is the quickest, easiest way to get them back.

You definitely don't support them financially and enable them, that would be weak, wussy, clingy, insecure behavior - something in you telling you that you need to support them financially while they're having an affair, hoping they'll realize how nice you are and come back to you.

Just let them go, have them move out or you move out and live a good life without them.

[This message edited by wk55hn at 5:32 AM, July 22nd (Tuesday)]


Posts: 288 | Registered: Jul 2014
Deeply Scared
♀ Administrator
Member # 2
Default  Posted: 6:28 AM, July 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Please use this thread per DecievedGuy.

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=535590


"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.


Posts: 197699 | Registered: May 2002
Topic Posts: 19

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