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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: The biggest trigger - did you conquer it?
Lark
♀ Member
Member # 43773
Default  Posted: 1:59 AM, July 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For those who are well past their ddays and are in R... were you ever able to conquer or move past your biggest triggers?


“It is our choices, Harry, that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.” - Dumbledore

Posts: 724 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: California
Jrazz
♀ Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 2:22 AM, July 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've been able to conquer a LOT of triggers. I think the biggest would be a certain location where my family used to vacation when I was young. I'm actually looking forward to taking it back when I can. It took a ton of time, but slowly I'm getting it all back. Large, mannish blondes with horrendous grammar don't bother me anymore.


Cherish those who seek the truth but beware of those who find it. - François-Marie Arouet

Posts: 17810 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
tfkeel
♂ Member
Member # 19517
Default  Posted: 3:29 AM, July 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No, there have been 28 years and 2 wives since DD, but when my wife admires other men, my insides twist into a pretzel and I want to find the nearest Jack Kevorkian franchise.

Posts: 518 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Pennsylvania
morethantrying
♀ Member
Member # 40547
Default  Posted: 3:38 AM, July 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am working on this now 18 months out.

My biggest trigger is "filing our finances" as that was what I was doing when I found "evidence". I had a hard time today, but after some anguish and misunderstandings we came around how to handle it and others like it as a couple. This seems to help, I think.


Affairs - hard on us both - but love will win.
Me: BS 55
Him: WS 62
Married 32 yrs.
dday TT from 12/2012-2/2013)...

Posts: 305 | Registered: Sep 2013
FixYou71
♀ Member
Member # 42654
Default  Posted: 6:28 AM, July 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

T/J...
Large, mannish blondes with horrendous grammar don't bother me anymore


BS: 43
H: 49
Dday #1 Oct 2007 (Porn for 2 yrs)
Dday #2 May 2013 (Porn for 5 more yrs))
Dday#3 May 2014 (finally admitted to drunk kissing OW in 1994: the 2nd drunken kiss with another woman during our M)
DD 21 and DS 17
Married 1993

Posts: 451 | Registered: Mar 2014
Howie
♂ Member
Member # 41922
Default  Posted: 7:14 AM, July 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

16 years out now and much earlier, able to manage most triggers.Odd, unpredictable spells of pain/anger still well up from time to time, a "new" feature of my life.The frustration - I can't change what happened. But because I cant change it, I do just move on.Still, I ask myself "what did I do to deserve this?" Answer: nothing. Life goes on. And really, life is good.

Posts: 183 | Registered: Jan 2014
Howie
♂ Member
Member # 41922
Default  Posted: 7:14 AM, July 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

16 years out now and much earlier, able to manage most triggers.Odd, unpredictable spells of pain/anger still well up from time to time, a "new" feature of my life.The frustration - I can't change what happened. But because I cant change it, I do just move on.Still, I ask myself "what did I do to deserve this?" Answer: nothing. Life goes on. And really, life is good.

Posts: 183 | Registered: Jan 2014
CelticMomma
♀ New Member
Member # 44187
Default  Posted: 7:36 AM, July 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What did I do to deserve what he did?

That goes threw my mind at least 20 times a day as I'm new and just found out! I am moving and trying to work on things as I have all ducks lined up!
I have so many triggers and refuse to bight my tongue, I talk to him about what I'm feeling when I'm feeling! He knows he deserves what I dish out, he accepts it as my way of working on us.

We didn't do anything to deserve this, we all got put into a bad situation because others didn't think of consequences.

I'm new and I just felt I would drop in and say a few words. I have a long road ahead, I'm glad to see there are people who can get past the betrayal because it gives me hope for my marriage!


Need help with all the abbreviations? Can't find the thread for them.....

Posts: 8 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: Philadelphia PA
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 7:37 AM, July 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No.


Me-BS-60
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 3649 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
stunnedin12
♀ Member
Member # 38141
Default  Posted: 8:09 AM, July 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Not conquered and until he retires, cell phones quit working and computers are obsolete, I'm thinking I'll trigger.


ME - Betrayed Spouse
Him - Wayward spouse
Not sure, but trying I guess.

Posts: 476 | Registered: Jan 2013
SadFlower
♀ Member
Member # 37725
Default  Posted: 8:32 AM, July 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Certain motel chains are still triggers for me. Hampton Inn, Holiday Inn Express, Quality Inn, Comfort Inn, Red Roof Inn... Driving by one will set my stomach lurching.

However, FWH claims that the majority of their trysts were in "no-name" motels in a certain city, different ones every time, several of which were "real dives." It just makes the whole A seem even all the more sordid.

I recently had to book overnight reservations for a short trip we'll be taking in August and finally had to go with a somewhat pricey B&B. Anything that's not a chain, and that's not a dive.


Me: BW, age 66
Him: WH, age 64
Married 19 years
In R.

D-Day: August 14, 2012
9 year LTA with former co-worker and family "friend"/7 years EA+PA, 2 more years EA


Posts: 407 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Connecticut
2married2quit
♂ Member
Member # 36555
Default  Posted: 9:30 AM, July 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

2yrs out and still working on them. Main trigger is going to the location where they messed around. HATE going by there. Some songs just kill me still. I think the mind movies have gotten better.


BS - Me 43 WS - Her 41
DDAY - June 2012 (found the texts)
DDAY2 - Next Day (found out who) EA
TT- till 9/2012 (some PA)
Married 20yrs. 2kids
Status: in careful R. Sometimes spinning our wheels

Posts: 1397 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: USA
Hatemyhusband
Member
Member # 41633
Default  Posted: 10:20 AM, July 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, his lover was heavily involved in our lives bc she was y friend. Triggers? There are thousands but some BIG ones. I'm 8 months out but I took my triggers head on. What do I mean? I went to every place they had sex. Yup, even got a room in the crack motel. Walked in and walked out. Sat in lot
The two beaches they went to. The abandoned home. The cemetary. Her school

Any where I thought I would freak out, I tackled. I hit it head on. Let myself cry and I took the places back. (Some I didn't want) but beaches I did. Screw her and him. No one will stop me from doin or going anywhere

Triggers. None make me cry anymore. The affair pops in my head. I push it out many times. I no longer want to cry. I went three weeks wo a tear and broke pms days. Now I determined to not let this chick take any more time from my beautiful life.


Posts: 352 | Registered: Dec 2013
notanavrageangel
♀ Member
Member # 44154
Default  Posted: 12:02 PM, July 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am still new here. DDAY #1 was July 4th, when I was contacted by OW spouse telling me my husband was having an affair with his lady. DDAY 2 was when my husband finally admitted to it, just this past Friday July 18th. Its been rough. Lots of highs and lows. I have been having lots of sex with him i think as a way of feeling close to him, and because I want him to see that I can be enough for him. It's sad. I have cried after, and he holds me and cries too. I know he is remorseful. We started therapy yesterday, so I have a positive outlook for the future. I love reading the stories of marriages that become stronger in the wake of the devastation. I already felt like our marriage and communication could be improved prior to this. WH and I both come from broken families an have no good examples of what a marriage should look like. It's slow going I am angry and sad, and I can tell he is sad for what he has done to me, says it wasn't because of me and I didn't deserve this hurt. I saw pictures of OW unfortunately so I get flashes and have had dreams of them being together and woke up crying. It's been rough but we are both committed to building a stronger marriage where this hell could not possibly become a reality again and that gives me hope.


Me: BW, 28
Him: WH, 28
DDAY 7/4/14 TT till 7/18/14

"Reconciliation means working together to correct the legacy of past injustice." - Nelson Mandela


Posts: 228 | Registered: Jul 2014
Rebreather
♀ Member
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 12:19 PM, July 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Conquered? Eh... I don't let it hinder me from doing what I want and go where I want. Usually I get a little moment of pause, but push through.

I have a weirdness that just started though. Last summer I drove very close to her house, which is a bit over 2 hours away. I didn't realize it at the time, until I was close, then it really shook me up. I'd never been there before. Ever since, I have a desire to go there and look at it. He stayed there with her almost weekly for many months. 98% of me says that I don't care, I'm over it, I'm done, it's pain shopping, don't do it. But that 2% is very vocal in my brain. But what am I gonna do? Drive 2.25 hours and sit there and look at it? Take a crap on her lawn? Bring my two big dogs and feed them fast food and leave them in the car for 2 hours until they have explosive diarrhea on her yard? I don't know why my revenge fantasies all involve poop.

Anyway, other than THIS, I would say I'm pretty well conquered.


Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Recovering.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6549 | Registered: Jan 2011
DixieD
♀ Member
Member # 33457
Default  Posted: 12:24 PM, July 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My husband was my biggest trigger and yes, I'd say I conquered that.

t/j
@ Jrazz

But what am I gonna do? .... Take a crap on her lawn?

I'd pay to see that.


Growing forward

Posts: 1767 | Registered: Sep 2011
Jrazz
♀ Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 12:35 PM, July 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ohhhhh Rebreather!


Cherish those who seek the truth but beware of those who find it. - François-Marie Arouet

Posts: 17810 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
Its Better Now?
♂ Member
Member # 34802
Default  Posted: 12:47 PM, July 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For me it's blue Chevrolet pick ups of a certain year model range (OM's truck). If I meet one in on coming traffic , I have a baby trigger. If one comes up behind me or stops at a red light beside me, major trigger.


OK; It's Brass Tacks Time

Posts: 124 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Lost and Wondering
Lark
♀ Member
Member # 43773
Default  Posted: 12:54 PM, July 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My husband sold his truck, so I think that would've been one of the biggest triggers and am glad we are rid of it. Every time I do see one on the road, though, I feel my stomach turn.

His "thing" with OW1 was the moon. She was moon obsessed. Moon nicknames. Taking daily pictures of the moon. Writing poetry about the moon. When her husband found out and it went to only emotional, it was short stories about the moon. He took pictures of the moon on our family camping trip (to celebrate 5 years married), at Disneyland for our daughter's birthday, and on many other outings when he was out with me and the girls. He had a moon cycle app as the main widget on his phone to show up in the background. Sickly, my children love the moon as well (the baby's first word was moon), and I would take pictures of it and send them to him as a "hey look what your kids are excited about right now." One time, I sent it while he was on his "date" with her, in the middle of them having sex.

How on earth do I even start to try and get past that whether I'm with him or not? It makes me so furious and sick and everything.


“It is our choices, Harry, that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.” - Dumbledore

Posts: 724 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: California
ascian
♂ Member
Member # 40304
Default  Posted: 1:10 PM, July 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Almost one year out, and yes. That's not to say that here, in the midst of "affair season" I don't have rough spots or bad days, but they don't rule my emotions now.

I was a bit...aggressive with my triggers, though. I really didn't like the fact that my wife's choices could dictate life-long negatives for me, so I basically stared down every trigger I could. And those I couldn't I talked down with my therapist or with my wife, and continue to do so as things come up.


Me - BH 39
Her - FWW 36
D-Day: 8/13
Working on R

Posts: 301 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Midwest
Topic Posts: 31
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